Over the weekend, I came to the realisation that no matter how many times I tell myself that I will stop doing something..I end up doing it and regretting it as usual afterwards.
Sicily 1938….no actually Port-of -Spain March 24th 2006. I get a call from an RBTT teller I met during Carnival. She wants to go out tonight and I am dog tired from the play. So what do I say????? "Give me Half an hour and I’ll pick you up"… Steups. Why did I do this? Within 10 minutes of that call, i get another one telling me that I also need to pick up two other friends of hers (A boy and girl). I smile and say "Sure no problem".
Now the weird thing is that I am not interested in her as she is also hanging out with a good friend of mine and I know that she and my friend have been intimate. I also called my friend and told him about the meeting tonight (only to be informed that he suggested they call me as he can’t make it). Hmmmm me smells a set-up here. Alas they have already been intimate so I guess my friend is ready to move on. LOL
Anyway, I go out with them and have a lousy time. I see people that I would rather not interact with and to top it all off, there is a stabbing within ten minutes of me walking out and going to my car. Trust me when i say that my exit was out of sheer boredom or was it my "spider sense" tingling me? We will never know, but it just dawned on me for the "ump-teenth" time in 2006…….Why do I extend such hospitality to people that I honestly don’t have an interest in?
The answer lies in the deep seated need for attention or to be liked by everyone in the process. Picking up her friends and they proclaiming my high level of "coolness" is so juvenile and soooo circa-1985 that it is shameful. Her kissing me goodnight (on the cheek sensually) and hugging me for carrying them clubbing just wasn’t worth the price of admission nor the lack of sleep i suffered as a result. Plus there is also the fact that people from work saw me with this person and have been asking questions non-stop and quoting HR policy manuals to me. PUHLEESE as if I haven’t slept with junior staff in my past already…LOL No but seriously..nothing is going on nor will it start at any point.
Of course, that night I vowed to no longer to succumb to the whims and fancies of the "Young and Hot" but then i made it specific and just told myself: "Stefan, if you are tired, DO NOT go out under any circumstance". Alas, another cop out once more. What is wrong with me? Does anyone know of a pill for this??? These bloody self help books have too many exercises for me to complete. I feel as if I am in school all over again. A drug is faster and requires less introspection on my part.
I won’t go into the other girl whom can’t seem to take no for an answer despite all my sarcastic responses and snide remarks to her. Why are people gluttons for punishment? I should know, it seems I apparently prefer being beaten daily than actually learning from my mistakes. And it is not even the good kind of torture. You know, the belts, whips and chains, the paddle etc….sigh memories…. Nope, I seem to need mental and emotional torture in order to function.
OK. WAIT! HOLD UP. Why am I doing a number on myself? Why am I bombarding you with this?
I discovered a website the other day while listening to Alanis’ song called " Unsent" and what this website does is allow you to post letters to people and basically deal with your issues without the inconvenience of actually having to tell the person. I haven’t tried it yet but in reading some of the letters, I felt better immediately. I also realise that the only person I need to write to is me and tell myself…to get a Flipping clue!!!
Here is the website:
Hope you have fun with it. It is strange the avenues that one can find to deal with things you can never say to others. Not even to your best friends.