RSS

Monthly Archives: May 2006

Dazed & Confused


Hey, what’s up? How was your weekend? I never ask that of you. I always just go into my rants which like the last one deserves to be destroyed. A hard-back man like me complaining over three pounds. Hmmmp I should be ashamed of myself.  Anyway enough about you. Let me tell you what happened to me this weekend.
 
I consider myself a liberal person (well within reason). I am up for new things, events and experiences. So when I got an email inviting me to an event called Spontaneous Combustion on Saturday 20 May, I was up for the outing. The event was described as a short, partly improvisational work performed by an ensemble of actors, musicians and dancers. It is therefore an experimental form of art. Being new to the craft of acting, I took this email as an opportunity to experience something new and possibly learn from the actors at this event.
 
So, I attend the event and on entering, I am greeted with a person covered in a sheet at the entrance to the seating area. Hmm "How strange!" I say to myself. Well I then realise that the audience was not allowed into the seating area until they saw the first part of the piece. OK, Fine so far. "This is going to be exciting", I thought to myself.
 
A girl in a wedding dress then comes out and starts humming and placing colored stones around the person covered with the sheet. Then she starts making more noises and then runs off. The person under the sheet starts to stir and then manages to pick up one of the colored stones and move it around in their hand. (Ok a dance piece–I thought).  On rising to a seated position on the floor, the girl looks around and then utters the phrase…."Don’t Mess With The Cow. That’s What She Said"  (Uh OK). While I am concentrating on her, I don’t realise that the person standing next to me, whom i thought was just peeping over my shoulder, is actually in the piece  and she starts moaning and looking rather schizophrenic. Then she repeats the phrase, "Don’t Mess With The Cow"…. Then she looks directly into my eyes….."That’s What She Said"
 
At this point, my heart is racing as i think that I have stumbled into some sort of voodoo ritual or mental asylum group therapy session. After making eye contact with both women, I started praying. Actually no, I started uttering the phrase, "The Blood Of Jesus. The Blood Of Jesus. The Blood Of Jesus"  To all those non religious people reading this, hard luck. I was scared and there wanted some protection from any unseen forces that may have been lurking. The girl in the bridal dress screaming without sound also didn’t help matters.
 
Well the actors/dancers moved finally into the stage area and there we met a girl who face was almost entirely covered but kept dancing around the audience and a guy just looking spaced out who started to type and mutter the cow phrase.  ("I must be mad to still be here", i thought to myself).  All of a sudden i look at the seat directly in front of me and there it is…A Cow…well a cow icon/idol (Actually it was a cow toilet paper dispencer but still not the point). None of the actors are paying attention to it but after being told multiple times about not messing with the cow, I decided to change seats.  I sat far away from the cow and so did three other patrons on noticing their proximity to it.
 
I don’t know anything else that transpired because these people kept coming near to me  and crawling away. They dropped more colored stones of the stage and then formed a circle and started humming a bit.  I was lost as to any meaning that could be derived from this. I just knew that as soon as it was over that I was leaving. It ended 45 minutes later.
 
Could we leave? No, the performers had a question time after. They asked the audience what did they interpret from the performance. Well i had nothing to say as my mind could not fathom what the hell i just witnessed. Some girl spoke and described the piece as one involving the struggle to be heard and to be individualistic in a world that does not let people be themselves. She went deeper than that in her analysis, but I just tuned out when I realised that she was talking out of her ass. (I should’ve walked with some toilet paper for her to wipe her mouth).
 
Anyway, they talked about the piece being a dream state and that each performer had only a basic outline when they met for the first time, an hour before the show. They thanked everyone for coming and invited some audience members to try their hand at an improvisational piece. The cameraman from the TV Station Gayelle went up along with another woman and they were given a topic called "Lost Marbles" and were told to use the props on stage to express themselves.  What transpired was a bit bi-polar for me and bordered on the insane, but somehow it started to make sense about how people express themselves.
 
I must point out that the cameraman wasn’t the most eloquent speaker of the night but his piece was easier to understand for me and much more expressive. Strangely enough, the journalist who was there with him, said that he is normally a quiet and very shy person so it was out of character for him to do that. Hmmm, a mentally unstable person finds a forum for his rantings…..
 
Oh well, I left soon after his piece was over and vowed to not venture back to such events. A normal play will do. My intellect cannot decipher these forms of art expression. I am still a bit linear in my thinking so I think that i will stick within the realms of artistic expression that don’t leave me with a headache or a need to burst into prayer.
 
Hope you had a good weekend as well.
 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 22, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

BREATHE!!!!


Weight: 225lbs Current)
Previous Weight: 228lbs
Target: 190lbs
Height: 6 feet
BMI Reading: Overweight (Clinically)
My Reading: Big boned (Just a little Pudgy)
Mood:  Yuh have to ask????
 
Well, life is just not fair. After trying on three scales in different sports stores and using the one at the home of my friend Jeunille…it is official…I have gained three pounds. How is this possible????  I have been a good boy. I HAVE been eating OATMEAL for goodness sake. Where did I go wrong? My meal portions are smaller, my water intake is up and I am sweating everyday like a whore in Mecca or like Whitney Houston in Concert (only a few ppl will get that one) and still I GAINED THREE POUNDS!!!!!
 
OK OK I am breathing and not really that upset but i am going to make an effort next week and then will i decide whether or not to sod it all and just do liposuction when I turn 35 (Yes, a Nip and Tuck). I don’t understand it. While in London, I lost weight easily and there was no exercise happening then.  i can only assume that my weight loss then had to do with the fact that i was studying at the time  and therefore was too preoccupied to bother with it. WAIT!! Does that mean I am going to have start studying again in order to lose this weight????? There must be an easier way.
 
Right now my knees are sore from playing tennis last night and other parts of my body still ache from earlier this week and I still gained weight?????
 
While i am not going to go all postal on anyone, i needto point out that my first instinct is to buy a CD to deal with the sad stat of affairs and not to run to Donut Boys or a Doubles Vendor to relieve my stress. This is not i my nature. alas i can’t even buy a CD as i think i have bought enough for the past two weeks already. Here is a list of the CDs bought in the last two weeks:
 
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers – Stadium Arcadium – 7/10
  • Jamie Cullum – Catching Tales  – 8.5/10
  • Lalah Hathway – Outrun The Sky – 6/10
  • Various Artistes – Killer Queen: A Tribute To Queen – 7/10
 I am also doing pretty well in curbing my CD buying habit. To date only 34 CDS have been purchased for the year with an entire 33 day period with no Cd purchases being recorded.
 
So I guess small victories can be claimed despite my pending endorsement as the new Pillsbury Dough Boy. Jeez, just had one of those flashbacks where some said to me that I shouldn’t lose weight because I would no longer be cuddly. Cuddly???? At the time of that statement, I remember smiling to the person and saying the "Our Father" in head. Somehow that memory got surpressed, just like portions of my teenage years. Too bad they seep out sometimes and force you to install a tougher security system in your head to prevent any further moments like those.
 
Nothing much to say otherwise. Will head to cinema this weekend to view "The Da Vinci Code" and see if the critics are correct or full of bovine excreta as they normally are.
 
Safe journeys til then.
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 19, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

It Hurts Like Hell


Holy Paul Keens Douglas, Olivia Newton John and any other three named celebrity!!!
 
I AM IN PAIN!!!!
 
My arms are in pain, my legs hurt and yet still there is no pain in my abdominal region. I have been working on that harder than any other part of my body. Why is that? I have  once again discovered new muscle tissue in areas I thought none existed and yet these bloody abs feel no pain or tension whatsoever.
 
So I must confess that this week has so far been a good week for me. Exercisewise that is.  I have been to the gym everyday since Monday and I even played tennis on Tuesday evening after my gym workout. So I feel good about this measure of a routine. However (you knew it was coming), I am cut from the impatient cloth and therefore I think that if i am sweating more than usual, then some signs of weight loss should show. How crazy is that?? Is it really??? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No signs whatsoever of my impending hotness factor reaching to any level higher than it is right now (low digits on the 1 -10 scale).
 
I have watched episodes of "The Biggest Loser", "Celebrity Fit Club" and all those diet commercials and I know that within the space of one week there can be some measure of improvement. Nothing.  In those reality based shows, the male contestants always lose alot of weight in the first week.  Me?? Not One ASS!! I have been chomping down on Quaker Oats every night to ensure that my meals at night are sensible and not heavy in the least. Still Nothing.
 
Now I like quaker oats but how long can a person eat this and not wonder if they are preparing for some kind of war-time rationing.  I would have opted for soup instead but that is a sure-fire way of opening up my already extra-large appetite. How big is my appetite? Well let me tell you a story.
 
Picture this! Sicily…no Laventille 1991! I am at my grandmother’s home and she is baking bread (My granny can bake up a storm, but then again who in the Caribbean can’t say the same about their grannies?). Anyway, I see one of the loaves she has just extracted from the oven and it looks like heaven. I say to her that I am in the mood to eat that entire loaf. She looks at me and tells me to go ahead. I then fill it with cheese, lettuce and pepper sauce and proceed to eat the entire thing.  Fifteen minutes later, it is done, I am full and my grandmother stares at me in shock and then picks up the phone and calls my mother. I assume she is going to abuse my mother for not feeding me properly but instead i hear her mention that I may need "a good cleaning out" and that she has never seen anyone eat an entire loaf that she has made and not even break out in a sweat. Further comments about the possible tapeworm inside of me and the fact that she now prefers to clothe me than feed me follow on for awhile. All in all she was pleased at my appetite and started calling me "Lambkin" (This was the name of an old boyfriend of hers in St. Vincent who ate three smoked breadfruits in one sitting and then proceeded to look for more food).   I could never figure out why she was so shocked as I had stated my intention of eating the entire loaf and my appetite is well-known throughout my family. I guess she underestimated me.  Did I mention that I was really skinny back then? Time is a cruel master.
 
Anyway, I digress..this was just meant to show how big an appetite I have or can have and why it takes so much will power not to munch down on more food at night.  I know that all of it is for the greater good so I am making a huge effort at it.  Will Power, don’t fail me now!!!
 
I haven’t weighed myself since my first blog commencing the start of the diet (Well actually I have, but the scale was just lying at the time. Plus it was a gym scale which one can never trust as it has been either abused by fat people or adjusted by management to make you stay longer at their establishment. Yes, it is a conspiracy.)
 
Later on today I will visit a sports store and use one of their scales. Those I know these scales haven’t been altered for personal gain. Yes yes I am cheap so sue me.
 
BTW: Bengay and Absorbing Junior..WASTE OF TIME. Aleve and Ponstand (500Mg) – MY NEW BEST FRIENDS.
 
 
Laters for now………………
 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 18, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

The Workout Plan….


has gone to POT!!!!! Yes, already.  After a valiant attempt by me in joining the gym, I haven’t been back to it since then. Did I ever mention that gyms intimidate me? They do and therefore I find it hard to stay in them. Every piece of gym equipment I approach seems to be complicated. Me, yes me , who actually knows how to bypass a firewall, can’t seem to get a handle on gym equipment.  I always end up staring at it until i see someone actually use it.
 
I think my problem with Monday was that I chose the wrong time of the day to go to the gym. People in my office told me that i chose the “posers period” to go to the gym. The “Posers period” is the time of the day when all the people who know that they are hot and have the seriously hot bodies, come to the gym to workout.  They have absolutely no need to be there but they come at this time to check each other out and size up their competition. Alas no one was checking me out. The body I presented to them belonged to that of a pregnant woman in her second trimester (this is where she is now starting to show a stomach and looking a bit chubby).
 
I spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike building up the courage to go to another part of the facilities. When I finally got off my lower torso felt firm from the workout. Too bad it had me walking like a penguin for a least five minutes.  I then worked my way over to an area called “The Circuit” and stayed there for 30-40 minutes using every machine in intervals. This portion wasn’t bad until a crew of loud women decided that they needed to jump on any machine they liked and continue to talk with each other. I explained to one of them that i was using the circuit system and that she was interrupting my flow. She eyed me up and down and steupsed (sucked her teeth). I then asked her if her education level prevented her from being civil. With this remark she got up, called me some name i couldn’t decipher (enunciation didn’t seem to be her strong suitat all) and walked across to another one of her friends. I then thanked her for allowing me to use the machine, finished up my set and then ran out of there before the cast of “The Parkers” came after me.  Overall, it was a good workout.
 
 
Since then, I haven’t been back to the gym. Tuesday I saw MI-3 (Good Movie despite my dislike of Tom Cruise). Yesterday, there was a football match on in the stadium and so i opted to go home and rest (What??? You thought that I actually attended the match??? Dream On!) Today is Thursday and i don’t think that i am going today either. I have a meeting all day tomorrow in Tobago and so I was hoping to get a haircut before then (which only leaves today to do it). I really should venture back to that unholy place of terror but I just lack the will power to do such.  I know that I must return (to pick up my membership card) but i need to pace myself and hopefully avoid a potential beat down
 
 
Hopefully the weekend will bring a renewal of my efforts plus it is a fact that less people use gyms on weekends, so it will be relatively empty.
WISH ME LUCK!!!
 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 11, 2006 in Fitness

 

Tags: , , , ,

Physical


Monday May 08, 2006
 
Weight: 225lbs Current)
Target: 190lbs
Height: 6 feet
BMI Reading: Overweight (Clinically)
My Reading: Big boned (Just a little Pudgy)
 
So it begins today. My new weight loss program is off and running. While it has taken me 8 days into May to begin, I am happy to start today. Today will be my first day in the gym, my first day in attempting not to eat any complex carbs or carbs in general and today is the first day to a slimmer, trimmer and much leaner me. YEAHHHHHH
 
So how am i doing? I am miserable. Had Oatmeal this morning and now I am hungry as ever. There is no "in between" snacking, so I am drinking water to curb the stomach rumblings. Result: I have the bladder capacity of a 5 year old, so I keep running every 10-20 minutes to the bathroom.  Anyway, today is just a start and i am committed to this fight and control over my weight. No longer will calls of "chubby" or "fat boy" be met with polite stares and imaginary clubbings of the commentor but with the calm and collected response of "where are they?"
 
One promise to myself is that I will get "abs" during this process. A goal that has alluded me for many years( two decades to be precise). A gigantic task I must admit but it is time i take control of my body and the shame I feel when others comment on my weight.  While I admit that I will never be able to please the masses,I will have a sense of accomplishment in the face of all the stresses of this world. I am taking on my fears one at a time and ready to conquer them. Actually agreeing to join the gym is a big step as i detest the sight and sound of these places and the element it attracts. I will resist the urge to hit someone with a barbell (if I can lift it) should i hear them groan during their work out. 
 
Strength and Patience is all I ask, LORD. All That I Ask of Thee.
 
I was thinking of getting a Personal Trainer to help the process be more effective, but on window shopping I realise that I can’t afford them. $800.00 A month?? Are these people mad?? I am not paying someone $800.00 a month to abuse me three times a week (my tennis coach does that for less than half that price). They better be washing my car daily as well if I am going to pay them that kind of money.  The nerve of some people.
 
So i pray you wish me luck on my quest. Hopefully I will send you pictures of the before and after shots. No it won’t be like the Celebrity Fit Club pics but close. LOL
 
Onwards to better health and a killer bod.
 
 
 
 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 8, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

That I Would Be Good


That I would be good, even if I did nothing
That I would be good, now that the play is over
That I would be good, after 33 perormances and a nice paycheck
That I would  be fine, at my brother’s wedding last saturday
That I would be good, even if everyone told me that ‘love will come my way soon" (Die Infidels DIE!!!)
 
That I would loved, even when I continually ignore my relatives
That I would be good, despite the best man being 45 minutes late (Not Me)
That I would be good, even when I saw my brother crying during the ceremony (It was touching)
That I would be good, even when I’m emotional
 
(I’m getting a little verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves..I’ll give you a topic: Children today are intentionally hedonistic despite the presence of deadly diseases. Discuss.)
 
There all better.
 
That I would be good, even if i gained ten pounds (I’d cry actually)
That I would be good, even if my coach calls me chubby once more.  (He has used up his annual quota of jokes )
That I would be fine, as I truly do love myself.
That I would be good, even if  I long to move back to London
That I would be fine, even if I never have another cool job.
 
That I would be good, as I think i have a nice collection of close friends
That I would be fine, even if i see some of them only via MSN
 
 
 
 
All in all, life is good…..Thanks Alanis for inspiration albeit not as lyrically moving or poetic as yours.
 
 SONGS CURRENTLY ON HEAVY ROATATION
1.  Come Undone – Robbie Williams
2.  These Are The Days – Jamie Cullum
3.  The Reason – Celine Dion ( It caught me on a low day)
4.  Make Me Wanna Holler – Nona Gaye
5.  Get Your Number – Mariah Carey ft. Jermaine Dupri
6.  Say Something – Mariah Carey ft. Snoop Dog
7.  One More Chance – Madonna
8.  No Worries – Simon Webbe
9.  It’s About Time – Jamie Cullum
10.Like A Star – Corinne Bailey Rae
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on May 3, 2006 in Uncategorized