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Monthly Archives: July 2006

Tarzan Boy


It is the belief that each person is blessed with certain attributes that make them unique and which helps them to be able to survive certain events that they will encounter in their journey through life. I, however seem to like to push these limits.
 
I like to think of myself as an all-round individual. I pride myself on being able to adapt to different situations and survive within all environments. Over this weekend, I realised that I am just fooling myself. Let me explain:
 
SITUATION ONE: My Big FAT Semi-Blind Date
Now those who know me well, know that I don’t like surprises. It’s just not my thing. The unknown doesn’t scare me but I prefer to get some kind of advance notice so that I can condition my psyche to expect the unexpected within the realm of my imagination (Yes it sounds weird but trust me, in my little world it works).
 
Anyway, I was talking with a female co-worker earlier that week and she asked me if I wouldn’t mind being “set-up” with someone. Not having anything really to do I nodded. She then asked the question that signalled my only chance of escape.  “So do you have a type?”  To which I replied, “Nah, I just like my women intelligent and with a drive to succeed”.  Now relax, i wasn’t trying to enter a beauty pagent or anything, I just didn’t want to hurt my co-worker’s feelings since describing what wasn’t my type would involve describing her to a certain extent. So I agreed to meet with her and her friend on Friday evening at “Jenny’s On the Boulevard”.
 
I arrive there on Friday and  I see three women: My friend and two other ladies. They both look cute but let’s just say that they were more my brother’s type than mine.(Tony, I am sure you know what I mean…lol).  I sit with them and start talking non-stop as i usually do when nervous. I focus my attention on one of them as the only hint of anything i was given was that the girl worked for RBTT (my employers). So this one had on her uniform so  figured it was her. She was by far the more attractive of the two and witihn the realm of possibility. Alas, my blind date was her, it was the one sitting next to me who was decidly shy and was trying to impress me by not eating very light.
 
NOTE: A healthy appetite in a woman is a good thing. Don’t starve yourself for a man. If you know you can gulf down a dozen steamed wantons in a sitting. Do it!! Picking at the two in your plate is not endearing. Nor does it let me know that you are capable of digesting a meal.
 
Realising that they were letting me prattle on for hours while they laughed etc, I decided that my comedy special needed to end. So i told them that i needed to leave to pick up my little sister from Indian Bay (now we all know this event happened last week). My co-worker called later to find out what i thought of her friend and the event. I told her that her friend hardly spoke and therefore i couldn’t make a decision. She texted me back and said “So what am i going to do about it?”.  WHAT??? WHAT??? We are not in high school. I am not going to do anything about it. If you are over thirty and incapable of being acting like an adult, then I  can’t help you. I replied by saying that I felt no spark and so I won’t be bothering with anything.  She replied and said that she understood and then said that her friends thought that i was exactly the type of man for her. HUH??? HUH?? SHE MAD????  I did not reply and plan to avoid her over the next week at the office.
 
Again i say, ” I DON’T like SURPRISES!!!!
Moral of Story: Yuh look for it
 
 
SITUATION TWO: Stefan, LORD of the JUNGLE????
 Nature is not my thing. Concrete is.. The mere insinuation of going on a nature trail/hike/watch/event or whatever you want to call it, gets the standard response, “Nah i’m washing my hair that day”. I don’t mean to be mean but cuts, bruises, the chance of snakes and mud are just not items on my agenda.  So when a friend of mine told me that he was organising a “Face Your Fear” event to “Three Pools” , i declined it right off the bat. My fear is being stuck on George Street, Port of Spain at midnight without a car or any sign of transport in sight.  Alas, after much prompting and wanting everyone who was going not to think that I wasn’t a Manly Man, i accepted the offer.
 
What ensued was a two hour long trip to Blanchiseusse and a short 15 minute hike to the area. (Fifteen Minute Hike??  Cool, this i can do…Thank you Jesus). However no one told me that to access the three pools one had to swim through them.
 
I can swim. i have taken courses at La Joya and was judged “Best in Class” for technique and ability to adapt under pressure. No problem. i can handle this. Now i must say that when we started the hike the river was really low but during the day the level started to rise. (No one noticed this but me). So here i am climbing and swimming my way all over the place and feeling rather special. Then it happened.
 
Now “Three Pools” as the name implies is just a river flowing down to three different levels and therefore the path where the water falls from each level is deep. I was feeling really good about the events. I even Jumped off a high rock in one of the pools and felt good about “facing my fears”.  Then a guy named Keron asked for some assistance since he had digi-cam in his hand and the water level was a bit too much for him considering he was a bit shorter than i was. I offered to help and managed to retrieve the camera from him only then to slip on a rock while trying tfind my balance and then be pushed by the current into the second of the three pools. The camera went under briefly as Keron managed to yank it from me in time but I wasn’t so lucky. I went under the water and when I resurfaced, i was in panic mode as i had struggled to come up during the drop below. i trying to find a nearby rock or branch to hold onto but everything was slippery. I tried getting myself to relax but it was to no avail.  I  felt as if I was going to drown and it seemed to be happening. Thankfully, another soul was nearby and guided me to the edge of that pool where it was shallow. I caught my breath and was relieved to be alive. Atthe time, Ididn’t care about anything else.  Then when I look at the final pool we had to cross, the damn thing had swollen and looked nothing like what we had crossed earlier.
 
I began to think “Great, I’m caught in a bad hiking situation and it only took us 15 minutes to get to this spot. How lame is that?”  Earlier in the Hike I had made a joke and asked everyone, “If this were a horror movie who do you think would be the first to die?  They all responded, “The darkest one”. BUT BUT that was me???  Could they have been right about me so early?
 
After my near drowning experience i was not in a hurry to get back into the water so guess what? Stefan decided to play spiderman or Tom Cruise in MI:2 and climb along the slippery rocks to get to safety. I took off my shoes, placed them around my neck and stuck my foot and hands in every crack and crevice i could find.  It took me a little while to cross but I did it without a scratch on me.  Mind you, fear is a highly motivating factor and i don’t think i would ever be able to repeat that move. Ever. 
 
Well if I am writing this, it means that we got back safely but I am still a bit shook up over the events. I feel bad about getting the digi-cam wet and about looking like a right”git” for not being able to swim properly and therefore almost causing a incident on a simple hike. Needless to say i don’t think i will be invited back to another one of those and i don’t think i am really interested in going again. I think the Discovery Channel and National Geographic was invented for people like me who wish to see the outdoors just not experience it.
 
I know some of you are thinking, WOW what a wuss!!!. Well yeah you’re right.  I think I am more traumatised over me looking like the helpless fool than actually drowning. Did I mention that there were women on the trip and that none of them needed help? Well one did, but she couldn’t swim, so she stayed back.  Yup…a right “git” am I.
 
BTW: if the camera works, you may see my humiliation on Gayelle TV sometime this week. It will be on a programme called Dreevay.  If God is kind to me, then the tape will not show and I will be saved from local humiliation.
 
Moral of the Story: Concrete Good, Nature Bad!!!
 
Ah well, we can’t win em all.  so how was your weekend?
 
1 Comment

Posted by on July 31, 2006 in Relationships

 

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Sunrise Sunset


The older of my two sisters,Zamora, called me around midnight to ask me for a ride home from a lime she attended.  NOTE: I live in Diego Martin. She lives in Arouca. The party was in IndianBay, Chaguaramas. Obviosuly I running a taxi service!!

Seeing that it is my sister, I had no problems climbing out of my bed and picking her up. The first question on my mind wasIndianBay?? Why the hell is she atIndianBay? Who the hell does she know that will be so classless to hold a birthday party there? Of course the answers that came to me cannot be written here for fear of being called some measure of a racist. Nuff Said!!!

I drive down and survey the scene on parking:

– My sister talking with two rather large individuals aka the TWO TENORS 

– There are two guys sitting together chatting under a whisper (suspicious)

– A fat guy in the distance is fanning himself with a piece of card board

– Food is all over the place

Deduction: Hmm guess there really was a party here.

My sister spots me but she continues to chat with the two tenors while i just find the environment in which my car is parked is not ideal. She then comes over like 5 minutes later with one of the guys that I saw chatting whose actions I found looked a bit suspicious. She introduces him as Richard and he extends his hand for shaking. I am a bit apprehensive to touch his hand but in every circumstance, the driver is an intimidating character until you ascertain how friendly they are. She then asks me if I can drop a friend home in Barataria ( i assumed it was this Richard guy) to which i nodded.  Lo and behold the “Fanning Fat Guy” appears and apparently he is the one receiving the ride. I cringe slightly at the weight in the back of my car but realise that I am just being a mean ole fart for thinking such things. It is only when he sits in the back and i get a whiff of “sweat a la Fat Guy” that i realise why he was fanning so furiously before. (All Car Windows are immediately rolled down, Aircondition is turned off).

This Richard guy then escorts my sister to her seat and stands there for a while chatting while i am thinking that i need to sleep. (Didn’t they have time before to chat? If he wasn’t talking with the other guy then this conversation would not have been necessary.) Hmmmp!!!!

Well we drop off FFG in Barataria and as soon as we hit the highway I begin the interrogation:

———————–Start of Conversation————–

ME: Was that a UWI Lime? (My little sis is going to be a 2nd Year UWI student come September)

Zamora: No, it wasn’t. It was a…..well……

Me: Don’t tell me you met these people online or something?

Zamora: No. Nah not at all. The guy who you shook hands with is kinda my boyfriend.

ME (Internally): Lord Jesus my little sister have a man! She is not ready!!

ME (open voice): What do you mean kinda? Either he is or he isn’t.

Zamora: Well, he is.

ME (Internally): Strength Lord. Give me Strength

ME: OK

Zamora:Yeah today was his birthday and his mom threw this party for him atIndianBay. It was really cool

ME (Internally): OK

ME: So you know I have to find out more information. What does he do?

Zamora: Sigh…. He works…

ME: Where??

Zamora: (Deep Breath then exhale) He works at Hi-Lo West Mall

ME (Internally): Lord She dating someone who packs groceries!!!.

ME: Don’t tell me he packs groceries?

Zamora: Yeah he does that but he also does other stuff like sometimes he is a cashier etc.

ME (Internally): Headache Headache Headache

ME: OK that’s cool (PAUSE). (Place AD HERE) So how long have you two been dating?

Zamora: About two weeks

ME: Where do you know him from? Who introduced you to him? Does he know Jesus as His Lord and Personal Saviour?

Zamora: (Deep Breath and Exhale) Sigh…..I knew him from when i attended St. James Secondary and a friend from UWI reintroduced us a while back and we have been chatting since. Yes he knows Jesus.

ME: Of course, everyone knows Jesus but are they close?

Zamora: No Not Really

Zamora: He meets me after work and drops me home to Arouca despite the fact that he lives in Cocorite.

ME (Internally): I can’t have my sister dating a Hi-Lo packer!! This must end. She can do better. She is a UWI student dating someone who couldn’t find a decent job. WHY Lord WHY??

Zamora: Things are tight at his home and he can’t afford to do  the things he liked to do, like a course in Computer Graphics and animation. He works really hard.

ME: Well if he makes you happy then by all means be happy. The minute he starts stressing you out. Call Me

At this point she was going to say something and then she leans over and tries to hug me. I quickly remind her of the “No Touching Stefan” rule.

Me: I say have fun. You are young but I know you have a good head on your shoulders.

Zamora: Yeah let me have my fun

ME (Internally): She better not be talking about sex. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

ME: Cool

————————End Of Conversation—————-

 

This little conversation made me realise two things:

1. I am too snobbish for my own good

2. I should take lessons from my sister and taking chances on people.

Too many times I dismiss women for one reason or another as being totally unsuitable. If I am not discriminating based upon educational Levels, I am doing it based upon weight or the woman’s propensity to beat my ass up should I fall out of line. Granted some of the women I have dated have been a bit mentally unstable, that however doesn’t  dispute the fact that I have never given any of them a chance to grow with me or for me to see another side of them. I seem to run away faster than Asafa Powell at a 100m race.  I need to stop doing that. 

Other than that, i seem to want to keep my sister at the age where I remember having to take her to Ballet lessons every Wednesday. My wake-up call was tonight when i realised for the first time that she is grown up. She is 20 and such a beautiful woman but no one else is supposed to notice that. (Or do they?)

Anyways, I dropped her off, got the necessary information on the boyfriend and will google him later to find out if he has left traces of himself on the internet. No longer do i assume that a Bagpacker will not know how to surf the web. We are living in some truly progressive times and there are internet cafes all over the place. Other than googling him, will see if i can pick up anything otherwise. Actually I should just leave well enough alone and get a life.

I will just google him. That won’t hurt anyone. (Good Compromise Stefan!!)

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don’t remember growing older
When did they?
When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he get to be so tall?
Wasn’t it yesterday
When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

 

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

——————————————————————————————————–
 
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Posted by on July 20, 2006 in Family, Relationships

 

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My Neck, My Back


Now that I have got your attention, I have a burning question that I deperately need answering. I would appreciate anyone’s help out there. Ok, here goes:
 
QUESTION:
How does one get rid of mosquitoes? I mean seriously get rid of them.
 
Now i love my new apartment dearly but the constant attacks and high pitched screams of mosquitoes is killing it for me. I have tried many remedies since entering the apartment but none seem to get rid of them for any length of time. Let me list some of my attempts.
 
FAN: I have a fan called a WINDBREAKER. It is supposed to be powerful enough at nice distances so that I can have it on and it circualtes all around the room yet i still feel it when it is not on me. But These damn mosquitoes seem to attack as soon as it leaves me and the buzzing is tremendous.
 
BUGMAT: I don’t know the technical term for tihs apparatus is but it is supposed to emit a scent that kills these insects dead. Well i guess these bastards are immune to it because I saw one land on the bloody thing and then fly off. Still no relief.
 
INSECTICIDE: Good old insecticide. My weapon of choice is BOP. It works. I have used it in the past and it seems to keep them at bay. Obviously the mosquitoes in Arima are normal and in Diego I seem to have stumbled upon a mutant strain bent on sucking every ounce of blood out of my feet, legs, neck , back and arms. Granted the BOP sends them away for a while but they return to the scene of the crime as soon as the scent has dissipated. Too bad that is the time when i return to the bedroom.
 
CITRONELLA CANDLES: I am sooo not a candle person and so to purchase this candle took some doing. I don’t know how people can have all these scented things burning around their house to add some measure of mystique or sexual appeal. i more think of it as a chore to clean up afterwards, plus I just dislike them.
 
Anyway, I bought two Citronella candles and placed one in the living room and the other in my bedroom. I jsut left them there, went out for a few hours and came back to the house smelling like Camp El Dorado 1990 (memories of which i have buried for all time- people, dpon’t send your children to live in camps OK?).
 
Apart from the smell, all seemed well. Then as I entered my bedroom. I realise that the candle is out and that some howthe candle holder it was in has some water in it. No it wasn’t wax, but water. Now now one else has a key to my apartment except the landlady and why would she put out the one in my bedroom and leave the other one lit? I am thinking ghosts but I am assuming that the mutant mosquitoes had sometihng to do with it. i relit it and went back to the living room. The same thing happened again.
 
Now when strange things happen to me, I call upon the name of the Lord (The Blood of Jesus is more like it) to help me exorcise whatever demon is around. Yes i know my faith seems to come with some measure of fear in my heart but who cares. Needless to say, it stopped and the candle stayed lit after that. Too bad my pillows and sheets smelt strong of citronella and therefore sleep was not easy to come by.
 
Fabric Softner Cloths: Now as far back as I can remember, these cloths are used primarily for reducing static cling in clothes that have been in a dryer.Well apparently you can put them in between your clothes to seal in a fresh scent etc. The Etcetera is also that mosquitoes hate the scent of them and therefore they flee the area where the scent is located. So I filled my closet, "citronella stained" bedspreads and anywhere I  can placed one discretly with the cloths. The only place they seemed to work is in my wardrobe as the critters from there are gone and now reside around and under the bed.
 
Sigh… I just can’t win.
 
I blame my landlady and her mini-rain forest of plants that are around the compund. Somewhere in that dense forest is a container collecting water that is growing these mutuant mosquitoes. I believe that they have been made stronger from all the plant food mixed with insecticide that she has in her back garden or "Cumuto" as i like to  call it.
 
So right now, in order to save myself and my skin from these creatures, here is my regimen as soon as i arrive home from work.
 
  1. The Bugmat goes on and all the windows are closed.
  2. An hour later or so, BOP insecticide is sprayed thorugh out the room and under the bed
  3. At the time when sleep becomes necessary, the fan is put on stationery mode. Yes right on me and i cover myself from neck to feet and try to dream of Janet Jackson proclaiming me as her One TRUE LOVE.( Yeah like that will happen).

Of course, my supposed fool-proof plan falters because sometime during the night, I am reminded that a foot is sticking out of the coverlet or that my neck is exposed by a tiny but powerful bite. The Wolverine of the mosquito world msut be on duty.

 

So there it is. My predicament. Can anyone help? Other than calling the Health or Insect Vector control or something, is there any modern solution? So pray for me and send donations to help me stock up on all these chemicals that will eventually kill me but right now, I couldn’t care less.

 

BTW, How slow and boring was Superman Returns? Can James Marsden ever find a role where his female companions are not in love with someone else? Come now. The Notebook, XMen, Ally McBeal..jeez how can one be type cast so much.

 

I know just lost you guys who go to see a movie purely for entertainment purposes. Well can’t help it. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 
 
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Posted by on July 19, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

Hit Me With Your Best Shot


Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not a violent person. I actually try to avoid violence at every turn. I am however not opposed to a good tongue lashing or "cussout" if the need arises.  I however prefer to avoid physical contact with others that may result in me being bruised or worse yet cut in some way. Don’t get me wrong, I will fight if need be but i chose to be a pacifist. Yesterday afternoon was ..well…you be the judge.
 
It was raining heavily yesterday afternoon when a colleague and I decided to move our cars from the Henry Street Car Park to the RBTT Car Park (just to make life easier as we were going to be working late). We are trying to pass near Y De Lima (on the corner or Broadway & South Quay) but a host of commuters are blocking us with their umbrellas and no one is moving. Being the patient person that I am, I raised my umbrella and tried to make my way through the crowd. On the corner, up against the wall of Y De Lima, a vendor was plying her trade of "sweeties" etc. She (yes i said "she") was arguing with everyone for getting her product wet as they passed. What did she expect? It’s raining and everyone is using their umbrellas, plus she is not supposed to be touting, but that matter is for another forum.
 
As I make my way passed her tray of stuff, I feel something hit me hard at the side of my torso. I look around and there she is shouting in general for people to move and waving this black plastic pag in her hand that i tihnk she just used to hit me. I look at her and say, "What the Hell??" and she just says."Move Nah". Well, being a man that respests his elders I decide that I will move on but not before I tilt my umbrella over her Tray and empty all the water from my umbrella into it.  Feeling satisfied I continued on my journey to the car.
 
Not more than three strides later, I turn around to see the woman hot on my trail with that black bag and this time she cussing like the wind. I turn to her and ask, "Where you going with that?"
Woman: Yuh jus wet up meh sweetie and them. Mine I aint buss yuh ass
Me: Well if you didn’t hit me with that thing, maybe it wouldn’t be so wet now
Woman: Yuh tink i fraid yuh? Yuh mudder ass go get it
Me: When? You should not be there and you should not have hit me.
 
And with that I walked off. Somewhere in the distance, she was still there cussing and she even advanced a few more steps threatening me further. My colleague laughed so hard and kept going on and on about how I almost became a statistic for some wet "sweeties". Looking back it is a tad amusing but I could really do wthout this drama.
 
After getting my car i had to pass near to her again and she noticed me in the distance and utter something about "Repairing my vagina?" Loosely translated she said that I she will fix my "Cee yoU Next Tuesday".  Ah the language of the masses…what would we do without it?
 
In other news, I moved into an apartment in Diamond Vale, Diego Martin this weekend. Yes, yes I  know what you are saying. He sell out. He’s a West Boy finally. Well all I have to say to that is…"steups".  If it wasn’t for my aunt’s diligent house hunting strategies and the fact that this apartment came fully furnished including a washer and dryer, I would have not even considered the area. When I was heading to view the apartment, I was only thinking that Diego Martin is a one-road in and out scenario that I prefer not to be in. Then the landlady spoke about the washer and dryer in the place and I didn’t hear another word she said.
 
So now it take sme like ten minutes to get to work and 30-45 minutes to get home due to the traffic situation in this area. Not ideal I know but at the end of the day, peace of mind is a hell of thing to argue with.
 
My first night in the apartment saw me put some Eric Benet on and I was just rearranging stuff to my liking. This experience just took me back to my days pre-Europe when I lived in Curepe and had the landlady from hell who raised my rent from $1500 to $1800 all because Benny Hinn came to Trinidad and she wanted to send him $300 each month. Talk about self sacrifice on her part.
 
I haven’t slept all that well in the new place as yet since I keep hearing all sorts of noises and I am still getting acquainted to the bed. All in all I welcome this new experience and I hope it continues to be a source of good vibrations and positive things to come.
 
BTW, did I mention that the apartment is a fully furnished two bedroom, two bathroom unit inclusive of a Washer and Dryer? Just say it with me…WASHER and DRYER. Sigh. So beautiful when said together. WASHER & DRYER.  I think I’m in love.
 
 
So long for now………….
 
 
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Posted by on July 11, 2006 in Uncategorized