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Both Sides Now

09 Nov

I was reading my friend Matthew’s blog a week ago and he waxed really truthfully on love and its confusion and mystery. It was a really good piece he wrote(brilliant even). Then it hit like a tonne of bricks…… "I really don’t know love at all" (well i really didn’t say that, Joni Mitchell did but i wish i did).  I have been single for the better part of almost two decades. The last time i had a serious relationship, George Bush Snr was President and i think ANR Robinson was Prime Minister (i kid you not). Even now as i look at it, i was rather young back then and didn’t even know my ass from my elbow so i probably wasn’t doing a very good job then either. Hmmmmm ( Oh Hi S.G….Wussup? LOL).

 In my 20s, life just never seemed to present good options for me. It always ended up being someones hand-me downs (and not the good kind of second hand clothing that you would like) or someone who wanted to put with all their baggage on the scale at the same time. Examples range from someone using me to get over someone (Hi N.O.), using me to spite an ex who i am friends with (Hi T.N.), or trying to hook up with me days after breaking my best friend’s spirit (Still a Bitch G). All in all i just haven’t been lucky or fortunate in this thing called "Love"

I make this point just to say that i find it passing strange that my friends still call me for advice on love, inspite of my apparent and obvious lack of experience. Who is crazier in that regard i will never know. The strange fact is i think that I  know what love is (on some basic level we all do) but how do you know if it’s real or what you are feeling at the time isn’t a prolonged gas pain that will fart itself out later on? These questions plague me time and time again and yet no answer seems to be in sight. Yes I know it is a journey and not a smooth one yadda yadda yadda but why is it so hard for some and comes so easy for others?

I have known people, who lack a basic thing as a conscience, find gems of people and time and time again and never seem to suffer or experience any Karma for their actions. (Yet I am alone). In what universe is this fair? if someone writes tells me that that person is open to love and i am not… know this……..if a vagrant happens to pass you and a pile of excrement happens to hit you afterwards…..know it was a message from me.

As you may realise to some extent, I have a tendency to wax very cynical on love as in most instances the people I go after for "it "just never seem to be interested in me or place me in the dreaded "Friend" category…..These people don’t realise that my friend book has been filled since 2002 and that i am not taking on any new additions. Would we go to dinner alone if i wanted you as a friend? Hell No.. KFC for you and doubles if we running late.  Friends, i have enough of those but what the heart wants to experience and craves is that magical (yes i watch too much TV) and even uplifting feeling and being with someone and knowing that they want you as much as you want them. Yet, this is so hard to find and while i have had many people put forward their case to try and fill the position of "My …….."( you fill it in i can’t bear to even see the word), they don’t move me the way the dysfunctional ones that i crave do.

 Now the dysfunctional ones that i am drawn to, like me, all have a basic flaw…..they don’t know what the hell they want. And because of this suitors find it difficult to relate to us and it always ends in some measure of frustration. This may sound a tad bit crazy but each of them passed at least one of my Music tests. Yes, yes, you must appreciate music and all it forms in order to even be on my radar. I once went out on a blind date and  the girl didn’t even know who Sting was and just brushed it off as an inconsequential matter (We split the cheque that night).

For the curious ones…i ask only two music questions and depending on your music background it will determine if the second question is ever asked. if you make it to the second question, then you are ready for entry into my inner sanctum of really good friends (if all else fails).

The first question is always a Janet Jackson question. This is a basic entry level test  and  so many of my friends have failed miserably. but then again, some of them still buy Celine Dion albums….(Sad isn’t it?) or worse yet..they own only burnt CDs and talk about having a CD collection (you have nothing Captain Blackbeard).

The second question…..well err hmmmm.. i wont even bother to discuss it. Just know that the band was from the 1970s. I must ensure Limited access to the data otherwise some freak might decide to google the info and pass herself off as a true believer…….Trust me when i say i can spot a stranger to Music from a mile away. 

You know.when i started writing this it was just to highlight the thoughts that have been flowing through my mind since Matthew’s blog on "Love" but as usual, the one thing that always picks me up and makes me forget how cruel people can be, has saved me from opening up further.  Yup Music. As i wrote on my two questions….the healing power of music has closed up the growing hole of exposure and filled with song. Not just a song but memories of music that feeds the soul, heals the heart and cleanses the mind.

The one single joy of all is discovering a new artiste or a new song and letting people listen to it and knowing you just enriched their lives. Thank God for music!!!.  I wasn’t blessed with the gift of song writing but i am glad so many people were as it is through their lyrics that i have been able to compartmentalize everyone I ever met and in some instances attach a song to them. Some people have albums attached to them…LOL Those lists will however never be revealed.

So my apologies to anyone  who expected a really funny blog……….

BTW, does anyone ever really know what there are doing when it comes to love? Or even if it’s real? Ah well….see you in theraphy.

This is me…Stripped….LOL!

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 9, 2006 in Uncategorized

 

3 responses to “Both Sides Now

  1. Matthew

    November 9, 2006 at 11:22

    know that out of everyone who read it…it would be you who would \’get my\’ entry of love on my blog…
    I wish that you could have continued writing \’both sides now\’ cause i am curious about the music questions..curious over who has what songs attached to them.(if someone we both know has \’Oh Sheila\’ by Ready for the World attached to them I hope you get hit by that falling excrement)….and you have turned me onto Jason Mraz, Living Out Loud Soundtrack, I think I first saw a Diana Krall cd at your apartment years ago…..and of course there will always, always be \’I\’m Breathless\’

     
  2. Michael

    November 14, 2006 at 17:52

    Matt, Stefan, I too am curious as to who has which songs.  I applaud you both for your love and appreciation of music and your attempts to culture my untrained ear and cold methodical soul.  Love to you both.

     
  3. Camille

    November 22, 2006 at 14:30

    Hi Stef,
    I\’m never sure how these things work. (I\’m sorry you always hear that from me) But, I do know that I\’m sorry I missed out on being more than your friend in High School. I guess (I can only speak for myself) you are too much for those of us looking for a little. As an adult with experiences (and lots of therapy) I know what I was looking for and I found it. Maybe, your dating pool has no idea what they are looking for. You are a wonderful human being (not just becasue I will always love you) with great things to give to other people, regardless of the relationship. Someday you will find the right person that will love you like you have never been loved before and all of your bad experiences will be an afterthought.  To the people that only want to be your friend they are missing out on someone truly amazing  that will only get better as the years go on. I know you want someday to be now, but not yet grasshopper. I also know my saying it means nothing because you\’ve probably heard it a million times. Okay, I\’m sounding very mushy and I\’ll end on that note.
    I love you.

     

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