In everything that happens to me, I would like to believe that GOD is at work in my life and he trying to send a clear message to me. Particualrly this rounds. After the blown tires, the non-functioning cell phone among other incidents, I am of the opinion that a change is required in my life. NO, no no i ‘m not trying to go all Dr. Phil-esque on you but jeez man January so far has been a serious source of stress and deep awakenings that are testing me to the core. I thought my self-esteem etc was in tact but WHOA NELLY….I need to reflect again.
I think the event that sealed it for me was last Friday night when i made an appearance on my friend’s TV show on Gayelle called "Dreevay Prime Cuts". The topic was on Sex at Carnival and I was being my usual informative self when all of a sudden i started to be attacked. I was asked the question: "If someone approached me during carnival for sex. How would I feel?" My honest answer was that I would feel flattered and that it would be a mini ego-boost that someone wants to sleep with me. I also pointed out that i would not even consider the offer but it is nice to have someone pay such a compliment to you even though they are doing it to satisfy their needs. Remember i said a "mini ego boost". Well After my reply i was attacked from two people who never really ever experienced carnival and who said that I was insecure and that I need to wake up because insecurity is not an attractive trait.
I was puzzled. My answer wasn’t that i would sleep with the person but that it would be a temporary boost to self esteem. I responded by telling the two individuals that unless they grew up in perfect homes, we all have insecurities but we also have a brain to figure out what people want from us. Did that stop them? No. They launched into the fact that the reason i am alone is that i am not a confident person. WHAT??? Me not a confident person???? I sighed and made them aware that confidence is relative and all depends on your feelings towards a particular individual etc. One person may see you as confident while based on the same conversation another may not.
I was then told that my comment has to do with indifference and nothing to do with confidence. Hmmmmm I felt my walls of defense go up as my brain told itself that we were under attack. As I about to launch a scathing attack on the two subjects that deemed me inferior to their moralistic ways, a small voice told me to be mindful that i was on live TV.
Instead i just told both individuals that they were entitled to their opinions no matter how wrong they were. At that point we went to a break and the host was excited as he thought that this was one of the best shows he had done on a serious topic. Me?? I was fuming. Ready to burst a blood vessel. Given the limited time frame after the break he did not want me to respond so i did not get a chance to put the demons in their place. My small remedy for that move? ..Silence….I did not speak at all. Some caller sent a text message telling me that I need to fix inside before i can be confident on the outside……Hear nah if I had known that woman’s number i would tell her to stop reading the damn Mills & Boon and get a real job. On air, however I just looked at the camera when the text was read and said….."Yeah. Whatever"
For the first time in a long time i actually felt defeated. I felt as if all my work on me and my accomplishments came to naught as I came across (in my mind) as a loser. For the rest of that night i just couldn’t shake the feeling that the reason for my lack of relationship ha to do with my confidence level. it is amazing how in a weak moment we can allow the opinions of people that don’t matter to affect us to the core. My confidence level was shot that night and no matter how i tried to pick myself up (insert binge eating here), it never worked.
I am however of the opinion that my lack of confidence/relationship or love has more to do with:
1) My pickiness (not really but my friends will say that i have impossible standards..I really don’t..i just want a connection that’s all)
2) The tendency for most women to try and control my every move as soon as we form some kind bond.(Find another person to control)
3) My lack of interest in finding someone.
In this life, we meet all sorts of individuals, gay, straight, bi-sexual, freak, baby making machine, abused, abandoned, demented, bi-polar, OCD riddled….look you just meet all sorts of people. The goal most people want you to fulfill is to find someone out of this mix and make it work. Jeez, are they serious? I already have my luggage plus the carry-on, if i add yours i am going to have to pay overweight.
My goal (as it has always been) is to find according to Alanis Morissette " Someone else to catch this drift". Bernie Taupin put it best when he said that he wants someone that won’t break him down and bend him in. In other words, don’t try to change me. I know who I am. If you can’t work with it well, I’m sure there is someone else out there willing to put up with your shit.
So am i lacking in confidence? Probably, but not to any large extent. Yes, yes i go gaga over someone new and may even let them walk all over me for a brief period. Notice it is a brief period as tolerance levels change when i realize they think that they have an extra court jester to amuse them. I’m not the gruffest or even toughest person but i make no excuses for the way I treat people. It is the same way I expect to be treated. With RESPECT. When did it start that unless someone ignores us or play games with us that they are the best candidate for us?
I’m guessing that when things come too easily, we reject it as being not worth it. I highly doubt it.
Anyway, all of this is to say the I am not changing me to fit anyone else. All alterations will be taken under advisement.
I’m still wounded from the experience because it left me questioning what have I been doing wrong for the past 33 years? In the end, i know I have done alot of right things and to the ones that can criticize yet their lives are in worse shape than mine…..GOOD LUCK!!!!
I just can’t understand how being nice to people can be perceived as lacking in confidence. Actually I can and it all has ot do withthe other party and their perception of what kind of "door mat" they think you are. People are soo messed up.
God Bless You…….
Oh did I tell you that i gave up cursing for the new year as well. I will leave the expletives to my sailor mouth friend Stacey.
I’m writing this and still recovering from overeating at a Fete the night before……Right now Pepto-Bismol is my new best friend.