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Monthly Archives: October 2008

What About?


My abandoned heart

Just doesn’t understand

My undying love for you

Won’t let me wait………..

 

I don’t know how to explain or even begin this blog. So much has been going on and so much needs to be said but then clarity came this week when a picture of someone in the newspaper that would normally bring a smile to my face, made me a tad upset. So upset that I was wrote out all my feelings about on a piece of paper and now I can’t find it. What I wrote wasn’t brilliant but it aptly described and echoed my sentiment towards this person and the pain they caused me.

 

Sigh….this is hard…….

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Dear Janet,

I have loved you so much for most of my life. Our chance meeting in front of a television set in 1977 when you started your portrayal of Millicent “Penny” Woods moved this four year old to establishing his first love affair. YOU are my first love.  I didn’t understand what I was feeling at the time but…. “my heart began to race everytime…. Rhonda Perreira can say what she wants but she was second in my heart you at that time.

 

While in later years I was delighted to see you on other shows, your role as Cleo Hewitt on FAME made me realize that this feeling wasn’t a passing fad. (I really didn’t care much for Charlene DuPrey on Different Strokes and I cringed everytime Todd Bridges touched you, so I must admit I never watched much of that show).

 

How many nights I’ve laid in bed excited over you

 I’ve closed my eyes and thought of us,

A hundred different ways

 

I loved you Janet, and anyone who has ever known me knows that YOU are my center, the one I’ve wanted, the one I’ve defended to the ends of the earth. I’ve made great friends because of you (Matthew Wilson) and gotten rid of many who try to blaspheme your name (Jason Collymore, Samantha Lezama, and Trevor Jackman just to name a few). Relax they are still alive and I will speak to them but conversation will end once they try to even mention your name. They are just not worthy.

 

Ready to give all my love

Won’t hold back…………

 

So it pains to me to bring up the fact that when I saw a picture of you in concert in New Jersey this weekend, I almost blew a gasket. We were supposed to meet and our souls align on October 4th 2008 at the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia. But for some reason you fell sick a week before. I know that it was migrane related with hint of vertigo but I honestly believe that the power of our love (mine known, yours undiscovered) was the reason you fell ill. You were unable to understand what your body was feeling as time drew near for our meeting. The forces lay dormant in you for too long and that is my fault for not trying to meet you earlier but I think my love and understanding of you would’ve made me come across as a crazed fan so I waited until I could fully control how I would react to you.

 

Anyway, I came all the way from the island of Trinidad to Philadelphia to see you and I didn’t. I recently got a refund on my tickets but that is not important. I needed to see you. I needed to be the stupid 35 year old screaming your name and jumping around like an idiot while you pranced around the stage. Alas, it didn’t happen. I ended up taking in the sites of Philly but all I wanted to see was you. I couldn’t extend my vacation so that I could see you in MSG so here I am without having the experience of being in the presence of the love of my life.

 

I guess I am stuck with listening to all the CDs and DVDs of you and living vicariously through them. The “live” experience was denied of me. WHY? WHY? WHY?

 

I am hurt. I really wanted to see you. As you can see from how the tone of this open letter to you has changed as I write it, I am just numb. I don’t know what to say anymore. Seeing you in concert would’ve been the highlight of my vacation. Instead I’m left with memories of lesser things such as trips through Central Park, a few Broadway shows that weren’t all that good (The Little Mermaid stank to high heaven), trips to the “mother-ship” Virgin Megastore, Time Square and just numerous other places. But no you.

 

Sitting here with my tears

All alone with my fears

I’m wondering if I have to do without you……

 

You became the focal point of my vacation. It was supposed to end on a high note and you would’ve been in my life forever. Now I’m just too wounded to even listen to a song of yours. As I write this, “Whoops Now” started to play on my ipod and I just forwarded it. I don’t know when I’ll recover but it will take awhile……

 

A wounded heart you gave,

My soul you took away…

 

With each album you produced you made a song that aptly described a part of my life and to some extent it provided direction in uncertain times. “Enjoy” was a Divine intervention during a rough patch and “This Can’t be Good”….well all I can say to you is that that song came in the nick of time. “I Want You” still makes me laugh at how I dedicated that to an unworthy soul and “Again” signaled our link and my most prolific moment with you.  Velvet Rope was just BRILLIANT and so was “Janet”. I love them all.  So why am I still not happy?

 

I don’t know.

 

I just needed to let you know.

 

Miss you so Much

Wherever you are

I love you……..

 

Stefan

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Posted by on October 21, 2008 in Uncategorized