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Monthly Archives: January 2009

FAT BOY


I am a FAT BOY!!!!

No matter how hard I try I now know that I am going to remain being a FAT BOY!!!!

 

For years, I have been ashamed of the connotation. For years, I have hid behind big jerseys (to hide the appearance of “man boobs” or “tut tuts”), shirts and baggy pants so as not to have people focus on my body. It was all in vain. I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t hide the fact that once while running around the Garrison in Barbados, sweat formed around my nipples first and I hadn’t even made a lap yet (stop laughing Matthew). I couldn’t hide the fact that no matter what group of people I am around, if there is food left over, they ask me if I want to take it home. They don’t ask that just because I am a single man. No, they ask it because of my SIZE and well obviously because I was probably the only one consistently snacking on the meal for the entire event. Hey, it happens. To this day I still can’t hide the fact that if I go for long periods without sustenance, I get extremely cranky. I prefer the term “Hypoglycemic” as it gives the impression of an actual clinical problem and not that Stefan has murderous thoughts on his mind all because he skipped a meal.

 

Well, I am done hiding my shame!!!  Now….Well I just don’t care anymore.  There are people who even when I was at my slimmest period, would still refer to me as the “greasy fat boy”. Those people I know by name and  I am proud to say that the years haven’t been kind to them at all.. Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh  Muhahahahahahahaha…(cough) (cough).  Sorry I got carried away.

 

So here I am. FAT!!! After 2 years of managing to keep my weight between 201 lbs and 220 lbs, I now weigh 231lbs. The machine at the drug store has told me that I am clinically overweight (or did it say obese? I’m not sure). The strange thing is…. I don’t feel fat at all. My legs have gotten bigger but not flabby(it is really firm almost sexy to touch), my stomach is not flat but it is definitely not out there as if I am in my second trimester of pregnancy; so I am not getting why I am heavier. Some say that it is all muscle. Steups!! Really? All muscle? From what may I ask?

 

Could it be that I eat too much and exercise less than I should? DUH!!!!! So what?

So what if this weekend I ate a whole sandwich loaf of whole wheat bread in less than 14 hours all because the cheese paste I made tasted soooo good with it.(Trust me, it really did). So what if I had another sandwich on Sunday before going to Lunch at a place called “Ole Creole” that wouldn’t know the word “low fat” even if it was printed on their signage. So what if I had the potato/macaroni salad with egg plus some pigeon peas and Stewed Chicken (I didn’t take gravy) while there. So what if the day before I had Curried Goat with Callaloo and 5 large Dumplings (mouth watering again from it)…..They all tasted really good. I don’t regret any meal that ends in me smiling or wanting to lick the plate.

 

The problem however is that after all of these activities, no exercise occurred. Not even an attempt at a sit up,  push-up or even a lunge.

 

Right now, the most exercise I get is “jumping to conclusions” and “running my mouth” but even that must burn off some of the calories I consume. I guess just not enough for me to see great changes in my body.

 

Another realization of my obesity came when the three pairs trousers I am allocated for my work uniform came and I saw that the waist size was 36. I had measured for these trousers in May 2008 but now they certainly couldn’t fit. I am back up to size 38 and if I try to put on any of the trousers I recently got, I would not be able to breathe let alone move fart without tearing something at the seams. The trousers are just clenching my bottom and my thighs while the rest of my lower body loses circulation.  Something is wrong.

 

What is wrong you may ask? Well I don’t know. I just have no motivation whatsoever to exercise. Yes I know that I am single and that the longer I stay in this state the less attractive I become to the “hot” and very “pretentious” crowd that always seem to catch my eye. I mean, who the hell wants a normal looking person to be around? Why would I want to date me? Yes, yes I know that I am a catch but if I saw me out with me (well a female version of me), I would make fun of them with all my skinny/ well toned friends in a corner of the room.  Shallow much? You bet ya sweet ass I’m shallow!!!  I can’t help it. But I’m a shallow person with a conscience. Honestly. Angel

 

I take comfort in the fact that despite the weight gain I don’t look as hideous as I did 3-4 years ago when I was this weight. There is no protruding stomach nor is there an issue with breathing and I don’t look like the answer to the question: “Who ate all the pies?” Actually, I could eat all the pies but who really wants to see me devour them? Unless it is Rituals’ Carrot Cake!!! Yum Yum..

 

When I first started exercising in 2007, I was like a man possessed. I was determined to be skinny and sexy and impress all who gazed upon me with my new gym body. And for a period of time, it was so.  I got compliments galore. A fat girl in work even hated upon me by declaring to everyone that I was starving myself (The BITCH!!!). Steups just because she couldn’t say no to the third helping of cake at the birthday lime doesn’t mean I was starving myself. And while I was power walking around the Savannah, she stopped for coconut water to help her digestive process. Blah Blah blah

 

With the sexy body, I use to dream of going onto the beach and taking off my jersey as soon as I dropped my bag and having some slow sultry music playing while the rest of the world marveled at how good my body looked. Alas, that dream never materialized. Despite the fact that I dropped a lot of weight, the rest of my body wasn’t as tight or sexy enough (in my eyes) to feel comfortable to do such. So that dream would have to wait a bit and the background music would be on pause.

 

Way back in 2007 I started working out to impress a young lady who didn’t date fatties.  From what I was told all her previous boyfriends were models and if I was to have a chance then I needed to be slimmer and trimmer. Alas, only one ex was a model and the others? Hmmm well let’s just say, society has taught me not to make fun of the disabled/less fortunate. Needless to say, that extra motivation didn’t last long.  I guess that is why the weight returned. My motivation was in the wrong place. It had nothing to do with self actualization. “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry plays in the background.

 

So now ,as I look for motivation from within, I am finding none. There have been numerous attempts at finding activities to help me get going but alas to no avail. I’m on a road paved with good intentions..

 

Good Intention #1

I have enquired numerous times about a swim class to help get my cardio fitness up to its former levels, but whenever I think about going to a public pool, I think I don’t want to be that naked in front of strangers and how much “Lysol” will I have to carry to prevent fungi from following me home. I don’t consider this a flimsy excuse at all.

 

Good Intention #2

Tennis was another activity I used to enjoy in 2007 but since my coach moved to Anguilla to train losers at a resort, I have been unable to find a suitable replacement. Plus the people I commissioned to help me find this replacement have not held up their end of the bargain. (Isn’t that right CLINT?).

 

Good Intention #3

Now I am trying P90X. I didn’t buy the DVD package but I tried to copy it from a friend and well it didn’t work out. I must admit however, that this workout program requires a 6 day workout commitment and I struggle to be committed to a gym for 3 days a week, so someone will have to bend here (and I know it isn’t me).  I did however complete two of the programs’ workouts: Plyometrics and KenPo. Now I don’t know if Tony Horton realizes how much torture these programs are but I was happy that he kept saying that you could pause the DVD at any time during the workout to catch your breath. Each of those workouts was about 45 minutes long  and with the number of breaks I took, well it was more like 75 minutes or more.  They were really hard and I was sweating like a “Whore in Mecca”. 

 

While in theory this program may work, (It promises to make you lean and fit in 90 days if you follow all 12 workout program DVDs and the schedule that comes with them), I am just not motivated to continue. I had to take at least two days off from the program after doing Plyometrics (jumping and squats),  and after KenPo.(some weird aerobic workout).well let’s just say “I walked like a robot that hadn’t been oiled for awhile. I had to give back the DVDs and to go over by my friend and do it with him is a nightmare in terms of timing.  He is a night person and I just don’t want to do it anymore.

 

Good Intention #4

I have also tried running. Within recent weeks, a co-worker and I have been running up Chancellor Hill in an effort to increase our fitness level. He runs and I run and walk (more walk than run). His runs are more successful. About 5 minutes into our runs, I start walking like a cripple from pain in my sides (due to gas) and therefore I keep him back. I have made it up the hill a couple of times well but it is torture since this is a winding hill that stretches more than a mile in a relatively steep gradient. This hill is not for the faint of heart or the fat boys like me who keep stopping and panting as if I have been asthmatic for over 20 years. Yeah it is just not a pretty sight.

 

All in all, there have been numerous attempts at fitness but even when people try to add me to their workout schedule, I feel guilty when I seem to be keeping them back which will inevitably halt their workout routine and fitness progress. So I bow out.

 

What is a fat boy to do? Well first he needs to embrace destiny and just chill. I do watch my sugar and salt intake and I stay away from drugs and alcohol so I must be doing something right? Now I just need to reduce my carb load and burn off some of that extra weight. Yawn……ok I’m tired from that. See you all when I get up from my nap.

 

 
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Posted by on January 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

The Cell Block Tango


Pop!

Six!

Squish!

Uh Uh!

RENAULT!

Lipschitz!

 

I decided to pay a visit to the Renault Dealership yesterday since it has been six weeks that I have been without my car. Plus I wanted to see what condition my car was in just sitting there. And I was right. Dust all over my car and it looks as if it hadn’t even been started in a long time.  Breathe Stefan….. (Tick )

 

I then go inside to inquire as the timing for the spare part for my car since it was supposed to be in the country this week. Safiya sees me and runs off while Saleem and Gail, the new Service Manager, ignore me for 5 minutes. (Tick..Tick Tick.Tick..Tick..Tick…Tick). Before I could say anything, Saleem approaches me and tells me that they should have my part by the end of the month.

 

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can’t remember a thing.  It wasn’t until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands that I even knew they were DEAD!.

 

They had it coming!!

They had it coming!!

They had it coming all along!

I didn’t do it!!

But if I’d done it!!

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

 

 

Pop!

Six!

Squish!

Uh Uh!

RENAULT!

Lipschitz!

 

—————————————————————————

 

NO Service Agents were harmed during the making of this blog but I did have a brief out of body experience where I vividly imagined I was strangling the life out of Saleem.

 

They are lucky that my resolution to not contribute to the country’s rising murder rate is in effect.

 

How was your day?

 
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Posted by on January 7, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

Live High


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

What did you do to ring in the New Year?

 

Me? I did nothing. Absolutely Nothing. I made no lists. I did not reflect on the year that was nor did I send out any sappy generic text messages to people on the occasion. Nope nothing of the sort. The Reason? Honestly why am I doing all this work for a one second change in a day and start off the year putting some kind of pressure on myself.

 

Come now let’s look at some of the usual suspects for resolutions:

 

Weight:           Well there is no surprise that I am overweight and that every month or two, I vow to exercise more or take up a sport so that I may get below 200lbs. Work in Progress as we all know. But first, I need to get rid of the pastilles, turkey, macaroni pie, minced pies, black cake, ice cream and rotisserie chicken that is in my fridge. I bought P90X so let’s see how that works out when I arrives.

 

Relationships:Call me Mr. Dysfunctional in this department as I am known to drive more people crazy by noon than the post office. Comments that I’ve heard in 2008 range from me just being “difficult” to one woman calling me a “C U Next Tuesday”. Some of it I deserved, but most of it lies in the nature of women to think that they can change a man to what they deem proper for themselves. Why are you trying to change the character that attracted you to the person in the first place? Ummm excuse if I am wrong but I am no Eliza Dolittle and last I checked you needed some work to. So if you are trying to change me and I happen to point out your flaws, why am I the bad guy? This year I will continue to be honest and open to possibilities.

 

Finance:          Yes I know it too. We all resolve to save a little more money and cut down on certain purchases. I haven’t done that badly in this department. My one vice: CDs is really my only addiction. So what if I purchased 101 CDs in 2008 (Matt I am sure you purchased more than that this year). I work hard for my money and I don’t waste it on drinking, smoking, partying  or any other of those sinful devices. Everything else I can manage. Although I do need to leave the heavenly slice of carrot cake at Rituals alone for 2009. It costs $50 a slice and it is truly worth every penny. My mouth waters just thinking about it.  We all made the promise to save more and for some of us we endeavor to purchase a house or take a long vacation somewhere.  Given the economic crisis the world is in, I will hold off on the long Australian vacation and keep what little money I have minus CD purchases to see if that house can become a reality. Of course I do have problems with long term commitment so I may run away from purchasing the house yet again.

 

So in the spirit of the New Year, let’s just say I am just being me for 2009 and all in all just trying to be happy in everything I do this year. 

 

In 2008, I sang at concert and really enjoyed it. I haven’t sung in ages and I always worry that God will take away the talent he gave me for non-use of it. So here’s to letting the pipes flow in 2009 in more open settings other than my apartment or in the shower (I give my best concerts here).  I really need to do more that.

 

I saw Whitney Houston, I fell in love with taking pictures with my new camera (Panasonic Lumix FZ18Z – 8.1Mega pixel with an 18x optical zoom) and just had a really good time with friends in New York, Boston, Rhode Island and Philadelphia. Here’s to topping 2008.

 

So HAPPY 2009 to every one and may the best incidents  for you in 2008 be the worst ones in 2009

 

FAVORITE CDS for 2008

1.      Jason Mraz – We sing, We Dance, We Steal Things (My Number 1 CD for 2008)

2.      Kenny Lattimore – Timeless (My Number 2 Favorite CD, his covers are AMAZING!!)

3.      Janet Jackson –Discipline (I just love her despite her hurting me in 2008)

4.      Various Artists – Across The Universe (Just Brilliant!!)

5.      In The Name of Love Africa Celebrates U2 – Various Artistes (Gem of a find)

6.      Lizz Wright – The Orchard (She can sing the Phonebook for me and I’ll buy it)

7.      Breakfast on the Morning Tram – Stacey Kent (her version of “Landslide” alone is worth the purchase of this album)

8.      Estelle –Shine (Pure Fun!!!)

9.      Al Green – Lay it Down (All I Need, Take Your Time and No One Like You are some reasons for loving it)

10.  Adele -19 (Where did this girl come from???)

11.  Duffy – Rockferry (After hearing Warwick Avenue and Stepping Stone, I still think she is not all that bad)

12.  John Mayer – Continuum

13.  Coldplay – Viva La Vida (No explanation needed here)

14.  Rahsaan Patterson – Wine & Spirits (

15.  Solange – Sol-Angel and the Hadley Street Dreams (This album still shocks me whenever I play it)

16.  Jennifer Hudson (While Pocketbook is annoying, the album isn’t bad and it contain my guilty pleasure song for 2008 – All Dressed Up in Love)

17.  John Legend – Evolver (“This Time” is all you need)

18.  Idina Menzel – I Stand (It grew on me but not an album for everyone but the song “Brave” is really good)

19.  Chris Brown – Exclusive (not bad at all)

20.  Dianne Reeves – When You Know (Listen to this album in darkness on a cold wet night)

 

THE WORST

1.      Cyndi Lauper – Bring Ya To the Brink (….of nausea)

2.      Reba McEntire – Duets (Just plain torture)

3.      David Cook – David Cook (just disappointing)

4.      Usher – Here I Stand (…..in a big load of Poo)

5.      Janelle Monae – Metropolis (Still don’t know what this album is about)

 

So to everyone "LIVE HIGH, LIVE MIGHTY, LIVE RIGHTEOUSLY!!!"

 

 
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Posted by on January 2, 2009 in Uncategorized