I am a FAT BOY!!!!

No matter how hard I try I now know that I am going to remain being a FAT BOY!!!!


For years, I have been ashamed of the connotation. For years, I have hid behind big jerseys (to hide the appearance of “man boobs” or “tut tuts”), shirts and baggy pants so as not to have people focus on my body. It was all in vain. I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t hide the fact that once while running around the Garrison in Barbados, sweat formed around my nipples first and I hadn’t even made a lap yet (stop laughing Matthew). I couldn’t hide the fact that no matter what group of people I am around, if there is food left over, they ask me if I want to take it home. They don’t ask that just because I am a single man. No, they ask it because of my SIZE and well obviously because I was probably the only one consistently snacking on the meal for the entire event. Hey, it happens. To this day I still can’t hide the fact that if I go for long periods without sustenance, I get extremely cranky. I prefer the term “Hypoglycemic” as it gives the impression of an actual clinical problem and not that Stefan has murderous thoughts on his mind all because he skipped a meal.


Well, I am done hiding my shame!!!  Now….Well I just don’t care anymore.  There are people who even when I was at my slimmest period, would still refer to me as the “greasy fat boy”. Those people I know by name and  I am proud to say that the years haven’t been kind to them at all.. Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh  Muhahahahahahahaha…(cough) (cough).  Sorry I got carried away.


So here I am. FAT!!! After 2 years of managing to keep my weight between 201 lbs and 220 lbs, I now weigh 231lbs. The machine at the drug store has told me that I am clinically overweight (or did it say obese? I’m not sure). The strange thing is…. I don’t feel fat at all. My legs have gotten bigger but not flabby(it is really firm almost sexy to touch), my stomach is not flat but it is definitely not out there as if I am in my second trimester of pregnancy; so I am not getting why I am heavier. Some say that it is all muscle. Steups!! Really? All muscle? From what may I ask?


Could it be that I eat too much and exercise less than I should? DUH!!!!! So what?

So what if this weekend I ate a whole sandwich loaf of whole wheat bread in less than 14 hours all because the cheese paste I made tasted soooo good with it.(Trust me, it really did). So what if I had another sandwich on Sunday before going to Lunch at a place called “Ole Creole” that wouldn’t know the word “low fat” even if it was printed on their signage. So what if I had the potato/macaroni salad with egg plus some pigeon peas and Stewed Chicken (I didn’t take gravy) while there. So what if the day before I had Curried Goat with Callaloo and 5 large Dumplings (mouth watering again from it)…..They all tasted really good. I don’t regret any meal that ends in me smiling or wanting to lick the plate.


The problem however is that after all of these activities, no exercise occurred. Not even an attempt at a sit up,  push-up or even a lunge.


Right now, the most exercise I get is “jumping to conclusions” and “running my mouth” but even that must burn off some of the calories I consume. I guess just not enough for me to see great changes in my body.


Another realization of my obesity came when the three pairs trousers I am allocated for my work uniform came and I saw that the waist size was 36. I had measured for these trousers in May 2008 but now they certainly couldn’t fit. I am back up to size 38 and if I try to put on any of the trousers I recently got, I would not be able to breathe let alone move fart without tearing something at the seams. The trousers are just clenching my bottom and my thighs while the rest of my lower body loses circulation.  Something is wrong.


What is wrong you may ask? Well I don’t know. I just have no motivation whatsoever to exercise. Yes I know that I am single and that the longer I stay in this state the less attractive I become to the “hot” and very “pretentious” crowd that always seem to catch my eye. I mean, who the hell wants a normal looking person to be around? Why would I want to date me? Yes, yes I know that I am a catch but if I saw me out with me (well a female version of me), I would make fun of them with all my skinny/ well toned friends in a corner of the room.  Shallow much? You bet ya sweet ass I’m shallow!!!  I can’t help it. But I’m a shallow person with a conscience. Honestly. Angel


I take comfort in the fact that despite the weight gain I don’t look as hideous as I did 3-4 years ago when I was this weight. There is no protruding stomach nor is there an issue with breathing and I don’t look like the answer to the question: “Who ate all the pies?” Actually, I could eat all the pies but who really wants to see me devour them? Unless it is Rituals’ Carrot Cake!!! Yum Yum..


When I first started exercising in 2007, I was like a man possessed. I was determined to be skinny and sexy and impress all who gazed upon me with my new gym body. And for a period of time, it was so.  I got compliments galore. A fat girl in work even hated upon me by declaring to everyone that I was starving myself (The BITCH!!!). Steups just because she couldn’t say no to the third helping of cake at the birthday lime doesn’t mean I was starving myself. And while I was power walking around the Savannah, she stopped for coconut water to help her digestive process. Blah Blah blah


With the sexy body, I use to dream of going onto the beach and taking off my jersey as soon as I dropped my bag and having some slow sultry music playing while the rest of the world marveled at how good my body looked. Alas, that dream never materialized. Despite the fact that I dropped a lot of weight, the rest of my body wasn’t as tight or sexy enough (in my eyes) to feel comfortable to do such. So that dream would have to wait a bit and the background music would be on pause.


Way back in 2007 I started working out to impress a young lady who didn’t date fatties.  From what I was told all her previous boyfriends were models and if I was to have a chance then I needed to be slimmer and trimmer. Alas, only one ex was a model and the others? Hmmm well let’s just say, society has taught me not to make fun of the disabled/less fortunate. Needless to say, that extra motivation didn’t last long.  I guess that is why the weight returned. My motivation was in the wrong place. It had nothing to do with self actualization. “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry plays in the background.


So now ,as I look for motivation from within, I am finding none. There have been numerous attempts at finding activities to help me get going but alas to no avail. I’m on a road paved with good intentions..


Good Intention #1

I have enquired numerous times about a swim class to help get my cardio fitness up to its former levels, but whenever I think about going to a public pool, I think I don’t want to be that naked in front of strangers and how much “Lysol” will I have to carry to prevent fungi from following me home. I don’t consider this a flimsy excuse at all.


Good Intention #2

Tennis was another activity I used to enjoy in 2007 but since my coach moved to Anguilla to train losers at a resort, I have been unable to find a suitable replacement. Plus the people I commissioned to help me find this replacement have not held up their end of the bargain. (Isn’t that right CLINT?).


Good Intention #3

Now I am trying P90X. I didn’t buy the DVD package but I tried to copy it from a friend and well it didn’t work out. I must admit however, that this workout program requires a 6 day workout commitment and I struggle to be committed to a gym for 3 days a week, so someone will have to bend here (and I know it isn’t me).  I did however complete two of the programs’ workouts: Plyometrics and KenPo. Now I don’t know if Tony Horton realizes how much torture these programs are but I was happy that he kept saying that you could pause the DVD at any time during the workout to catch your breath. Each of those workouts was about 45 minutes long  and with the number of breaks I took, well it was more like 75 minutes or more.  They were really hard and I was sweating like a “Whore in Mecca”. 


While in theory this program may work, (It promises to make you lean and fit in 90 days if you follow all 12 workout program DVDs and the schedule that comes with them), I am just not motivated to continue. I had to take at least two days off from the program after doing Plyometrics (jumping and squats),  and after KenPo.(some weird aerobic workout).well let’s just say “I walked like a robot that hadn’t been oiled for awhile. I had to give back the DVDs and to go over by my friend and do it with him is a nightmare in terms of timing.  He is a night person and I just don’t want to do it anymore.


Good Intention #4

I have also tried running. Within recent weeks, a co-worker and I have been running up Chancellor Hill in an effort to increase our fitness level. He runs and I run and walk (more walk than run). His runs are more successful. About 5 minutes into our runs, I start walking like a cripple from pain in my sides (due to gas) and therefore I keep him back. I have made it up the hill a couple of times well but it is torture since this is a winding hill that stretches more than a mile in a relatively steep gradient. This hill is not for the faint of heart or the fat boys like me who keep stopping and panting as if I have been asthmatic for over 20 years. Yeah it is just not a pretty sight.


All in all, there have been numerous attempts at fitness but even when people try to add me to their workout schedule, I feel guilty when I seem to be keeping them back which will inevitably halt their workout routine and fitness progress. So I bow out.


What is a fat boy to do? Well first he needs to embrace destiny and just chill. I do watch my sugar and salt intake and I stay away from drugs and alcohol so I must be doing something right? Now I just need to reduce my carb load and burn off some of that extra weight. Yawn……ok I’m tired from that. See you all when I get up from my nap.


One thought on “FAT BOY

  1. first of all…how well do you know me…as soon as i started reading this i was laughing because of the \’nipple sweat\’ incident and you referred to it…making me laugh out loud in my UN meeting. First of all I never considered you fat at all….you have structure and you have substance and at the end of the day you are an attractive guy with a heart and a sense of humour (and intelligence and talent) you and I both know some skinny-minnie gym bunnies out there who have the personality of dried paint so…..so…..cant wait til u come to barbados so we can eat….and eat…and eat….(sweaty tut tuts)

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