Every now and then, I reflect on the life that was and how can I improve on the life that still is to be. Almost all the time, I find myself repeating certain lessons that I should have learnt along time ago but for some reason or another I seemed to have forgotten them and therefore I became doomed to repeat it.
So from the mind of this 36 year old, here are some lessons learnt over the course of my life
1 Women are insane. Not all, just the ones that like me
2 If a woman asks you out to the movies, bring your wallet. Because all she will have is her sweater and car keys. She will have money but it’s not for her to spend.
3 If a girl tells you, “Don’t tickle me or I’ll pee myself”. Listen to her.
4 If your cousin wants to throw a barbecue just because he needs money, tell them you have none.
5 Don’t buy a car just because the dealer tells you he will throw in a 6 disc CD Changer. Trust me on this!!!
6 If your CXC Certificate looks like a forest (all Threes), then you should not come with me to try and get into Sixth Form, you need to repeat form 5
7 If you are bribing someone based upon information you have on them, please ensure that a parent never overhears the info.
8 Never write love letters or anything in which you have manipulated the lyrics of a song to someone. The person inevitably shows it to all and sundry and has a good laugh at you. I can’t bear to hear “Anything for You” by Gloria Estefan now….
9 If LIAT says there is a slight delay, you are boarding your flight 5 hours later than expected.
10 No matter how you put it, Cricket is BORING!!!!!
11 If at first you don’t win an election, try competing for a lower position the following year.
12 If the your friend pronounces Moet , “Mo-et” even after you have corrected them, please know that their idea of dinner party is a KFC/Curry Duck Lime near a river that no one should bathe in.
13 Criticize the lecturer with your classmates, AFTER you hand in the project. Not before.
14 Criticize the waitress/waiter AFTER you have gotten your food, not before.
15 If you are in the habit of scolding waiters openly, then I will eat at a separate table.
16 Not because she called you to help her move means she likes you or considers you special. The guy who comes over while you’re unloading the stuff out of the car is the one she wants
17 You don’t speak or understand Spanish, if you think that “medianoche” is a made up word.
18 If her ex still comes over to “talk”, then you need to stop coming over.
19 If she can’t remember what Sixth Form she did “A” levels at, then chances are she didn’t do it
20 One child – ok, Two children- Unlucky in love, THREE Children –A Habit!! Run Away FAST!!! Do not pass Go!! Do NOT collect $200!!
21 If you call me and tell me that if I don’t come over, you are going to kill yourself, why are you still alive?
22 If she is out with friends and at the last minute invites you along but only you reach for the bill at the end of the night. Don’t embarrass her, just walk away slowly.
23 Unless written on your Birth certificate, terms such as “Boo, Babes, Honey, Baby, Sexy etc” are just terms to feign intimacy. Please ensure they can actually recall your name before the conversation is over
24 If she changes her status on Facebook as being “In a relationship” while you are still listed as “Single”. Ummm somebody is sweetening their juice with too much crazy sugar!!!!
25 If she calls you after midnight to pick her up from a location that you were not invited to, go back to sleep. It was obviously a dream because no one goes out without knowing how they are getting home.
26 The most racist and bigoted people you will ever find are in your local church.
27 If she calls and asks if you are home when you know she is outside your apartment in her car, tell her your body is home but your soul is out looking for peace and quiet.
28 If all she wants to be is a model when she grows up, then you are dating someone way too young.
29 If she dreams to compete in a “Passa Passa” competition and this gets her really excited, then you’ve hit rock bottom and have started to dig.
30 If your idea of Collateral for a loan is your Perfume/Cologne collection that u have never used, my suggestion is that you start selling them and raise the money yourself.
31 If you are in a “ZR” in Barbados and the conductor tells u to “small up”. Don’t argue. Just do it. Ignore the fact that there is no room in the Maxi at all. Everyone needs to get to town.
32 If you see someone’s boy/girlfriend cheating on your friend. WALK AWAY. Don’t say a word to them! If you do, then it’s all your fault they are unhappy.
33 Two’s company and Three is $4000
34 Love is Deaf, Dumb, Blind and Stupid. Yet everyone strives to be this handicapped (oops…I mean Challenged)
35 If you can’t repeat the story or incident you just told me backwards, then you are lying.
36 Never steups (suck your teeth) at your grandmother. You never know where your father will appear from to slap you into next week.
Now that they are out there, here’s hoping that I don’t repeat them again.