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The Power

04 Dec

It is amazing when you sit with people for lunch what kind of topics you come up with. One minute we are discussing the universal uselessness of Human Resources and next we are on to losing socks in a dryer which then easily flowed into the pure hatred of having to do economics at university.  The seamless integration and flow into different topics around a lunch table always amazes me.

 

On one particular occasion, we were discussing dating and meeting new people. The conversation had been going on for a long time when I interjected with what was supposed to be a light hearted comment:

 

“You all lucky, fat women just don’t watch you and declare that  we should be together” after a chance encounter.”

 

Silence………

Then one guy said:

 

“Maybe that is your superpower? You know..to make fat girls more confident.”

“No!!! (Steups!) A super power can’t be that lame.”

“You didn’t see Mystery Men with Ben Stiller or what? It can be that lame. One guy’s power was throwing forks I think”

“Yeah but what good is making fat girls feel confident”

“Maybe you’re supposed to sleep with them, Stefan?

Oh Geed!!!” (Chorus of voices on the table).

Then a voice at one end of the table shouted:

“If I had a super power it would be to make all women cum, by me either staring at them or touching them”

(Laughter!!!!)

“Can you imagine being a board meeting and making eye contact with…..(name removed)… and she just has one right then and there?

 

The conversation got worse after that………but it got me thinking. If I had a superpower, what would it be?

 

 

I have friends who can recall events 20 years in the past at the drop of a hat. Some are just brilliant at everything they do, sports, video games, singing…the works (this one sicken me). One can’t help but be nice to everyone and everyone thinks the world of him. (Another sickening gift).  One can even smell stuff in a 3 feet radius to him (that includes people’s breaths) and another sleeps with everyone he wants to. No one he has ever wanted has said “no” to him. If they have, I don’t know of it. Then there’s me….ordinary. I’m not even super sarcastic or super funny. I’m almost what they call “just ok”. What is my power!!!

 

Over the course of my life, I have wanted different super powers.

 

Super Strength and Invulnerability

This power requirement mainly manifested itself during my early teenage years when every other week it seemed I was in a fight with a classmate or some complete stranger all because I either cursed them, made reference to their female parental figure or said something sarcastic that usually involved me making fun of their intellectual capacity.  I never won any of the fights. I didn’t however, go home bloodied though. Somehow I manage to escape most of them without too many “Rihanna-like” bruises (is it ok to make this joke now?) or scars.

 

This phase was due to my obsession (well my brother’s mainly) with comic books and particularly Superman. I just knew he would be able to withstand everyone that came my way and then they would all leave me alone. TV didn’t help with this obsession either. Shazam, Mighty Isis (don’t laugh), G- Force (Battle of the Planets), The Powers of Matthew Star , He-Man, Thundercats, The Greatest American Hero, Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman (stop laughing I say!!!) and many others, just had me jumping around all over the house and yard, wishing to be powerful. Alas….I remained a mortal without the ability to read the mind of the neighborhood bully or develop an immunity to the sound beatings I would get for a host of crimes that I was completely guilty of, but lied about.

 

I just needed to know my power. I knew I had one. I just needed to figure it out and hopefully put it to good use.

 

Ask anyone, we all wanted a super power.

 

Flight, Super Speed and Invisibility are all cool powers but I was never a fan of them much, given my fear of heights, general clumsiness and depth of body shame. You think being invisible would make me not think about it but I am sure I would be the one person who would have to strip out of his clothes in order to be invisible. Yeah these powers are just not for me. They only made Invisible Girl that way so that she won’t be naked in a comic book.  The Invisible Man had to strip. Such a double standard!!!!

 

Telepathy

Now we come to the good stuff!! The ability to read and control people’s minds was a HUGE desire in the late teens early twenties (still is today in my late twenties..lol).  I thought about it long and hard and I knew that I would not abuse the power at all. Then I remembered that reading people’s thoughts can come back to bite you hard. You learn never to trust anyone if you can read their minds. Hey I don’t trust anyone now and I can’t do it, so imagine if I actually had the power!!! DRAMA!!! Plus if I could force people to do things, then I think that is tantamount to rape of some kind.

 

Although I know a few people who needed to listen to me at particular points in time, I still think it is better that I let me fall flat on their asses. Plus I know a few people who I was madly in love with that may not have appreciated me forcing them to be with me. Hmm but that would’ve made me happy…hmmmm….Ok back to reality. LOL

 

Teleportation

YES!! YES!! YES!!! I want this power but without the “stink” Nightcrawler –type scent that could go along with it.  I would never be late to any function and I could run from various fights/arguments easily. The only drawback is that it might make me a tad lazier than I already am since I would get dressed and arrive a venue exactly when I need to while everyone else waits on me. This is one I wanted badly!! This is partially why I liked the movie “Jumper”. If only they had cast someone other than Hayden Christensen, then we would’ve seen someone actually act and not sulk for 2 hours….

 

Space /Time Travel or manipulation

I’ve made so many mistakes in the past that going back in time and trying to fix them would be disastrous.  Let’s just leave well alone. Although there are a few confessions of love or advances that I would like to erase from my memories. I don’t think those will affect the space time continuum in any big way. All it means is that I would be less of an idiot.

 

Shape Shifter

“Manimal” made me want this power as well but I wanted to be able to manipulate form and size as well (fly on the wall. if you catch my drift). The drawback to this would be losing my clothing in order to shape shift.  Hmm but then again I could morph my body into that of an Adonis. Ok this one is a keeper.

 

Telekinesis

The only power I have ever truly wanted!!!! To be able move something/someone across a room would make me so happy. That way no one would touch me. I always preferred Prue’s power to the others totally (Lord I’m referencing Charmed…I need to get out more!!). The only drawback that I can see is that of brain exertion. Too much or to frequent use will tire you out and leave u vulnerable to attacks when resting. Hmm not if you have all of them living in fear. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

 

 

CONCLUSION

I have however discovered that I posses some super human abilities. Let me list them for you:

  • The ability to make strangers hit me within hours of meeting me: This extends to quiet and shy people as well. My mother always said that I bring something out in people that by the end of the night they want to attack me on some level (It usually involves me being assaulted in some form or fashion).
  • Big and Tall women love me: They can’t help themselves. Trust me, they can’t. It’s just that way. One look at me and they lose all sense of reasoning and then they need me in their lives.
  • The ability to constantly get bad service: There is something about this power that just upsets me. I can go to a restaurant with multiple people and my order will be the ONLY one they get wrong or I’ll be the one the server gives attitude to.

 

I also know my Kryptonite:

Seafood:

The smell of fish and shrimp just makes me want to vomit. Then there is the part where I am actually allergic to it and will probably break out in hives or have my lips swell to the size of watermelons ( I exaggerate here but you get my point)

 

So what’s your super power? Trust me, you have one. We all do

 

 

If you are dysfunctional like me then you should know where these phrases came from:

 

"Oh Elders, Fleet and Strong and Wise. Appear before my seeking eyes!"

"Zephyr winds which blow on high, lift me now so I can fly"

"Transmute!!"

"In Brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might. Beware my power….."

"Teeny Weeny Magic Beanie pointing towards the sky. Give my Muscle, Power, Vigor, Strength – Form a Super Guy"

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 4, 2009 in Uncategorized

 

4 responses to “The Power

  1. Marsha

    December 4, 2009 at 14:02

    Stefan…ordinary is perhaps the last description that I would think of for you. Seriously, ordinary? You forgot one ability/superpower…you make people laugh. And as much as I do feel for you that you receive bad service…I just love the stories..sorry. Hmm, wish I can share my superpower with you…but not sure what it is.

     
  2. clint

    December 4, 2009 at 18:57

    Great blog entry! I agree with you that we all have superpowers. Mine is the ability to choose the slowest line anytime, anywhere. It may have been moving more quickly than all the other lines 9hence the reason I joined it in the first place), but the minute I\’m in it, it slows to a crawl. I\’ve seen it happen in banks, Customs and Immigration, supermarkets and all manner of retail outlets and service centres. My power also works internationally. It\’s happened in every single country I\’ve ever visited. By the way, which friend of yours can\’t help being nice to everyone??? I agree with Marsha: you are SO not ordinary!

     
  3. Matthew

    December 16, 2009 at 18:10

    First of all I loved the Mighty Isis…2nd of all…how weird is it that I also just mentioned \’Manimal\’ in my blog…and 4rd..you forgot the power to turn singing into blinding dazzling light while roller skating…

     
  4. kieron

    January 1, 2010 at 11:33

    I think everyone at some point in time wanted the power of telepathy and telekinesis. Especially ME! For real doh.. You are far from Normal!…. LOL @ the power to make women cum just by staring! lol priceless!

     

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