I need a hand with my worrisome heart…….
On a daily basis I am bombarded by people wondering why I am either still single or why I just haven’t made a commitment to anything in my life. Some cite my fear of the word “commitment” as the primary reason for my present state, others just simply say that “I’m too happy” to worry about all these matters.
No matter how you put it, part of me is not ready or doesn’t feel ready to make certain decisions or actually fit into the perceived status quo.
Why all this ramble? Well during rehearsal for “Once On This Island” last night, a fellow cast member, just turned to me on one of our breaks and uttered the following statements:
Cam: Hey I have a girl for you. Yuh want de number?
Me: is she cute?
Cam: Steups of course she is. She is a St. Lucian doing her Phd and she is very nice.
Me: Ummm I don’t know
Cam: What is your problem? You not a spring chicken anymore yuh know.
Me: How old is she
Me: so she aint no Spring chicken either. Actually she needs this more than I do.
Cam: Look all creatures are supposed to couple and you as a 37 year old single man are not following the path.
Me: Well the difference with other creatures is that we are given “free will” and I choose to be this way.
Cam: It is unnatural and a strong African man like you shouldn’t be in this state.
(African? You know I never heard someone call me that before)
Me: Oh I See
Cam: So yuh want de number or what?
Me: I’ll think on it.
Cam: (turns to another guy) so u want me to set u up to?
Other Guy: umm no thanks. Plus I am spoken for already
Cam: Is she a nice woman?
Other Guy: No he is a really nice Venezuelan man
Cam: Oh ok (she looks away and turns to me again) Right I will organize you.
Normally a discourse like this is a slight annoyance and I just don’t bother to give it any attention but she point out some hard facts in there that I haven’t actually dealt with or even considered.
I need a break from my troubling ways…….
HARD Fact #1: AGE
I’m 37 Years old. WOW!! I’m three years away from 40 and I have no children, no mortgage, no picket fence etc. At this age my parents already had children and some of us were already in secondary school (My older brother and I). WOW!!! Something must be wrong with me if I have managed to get to this age without siring an heir.
The thing is….I don’t feel this old nor do I feel as if I am missing something. My parents got married early and they never experienced half the stuff I have done. I have no regrets in what has been my life so far. I just keep thinking that I need to do more and that there are things on my list that are still not yet done. While having a child is on the list, it is not exactly a high priority. Should it be?
Wow I’m old!!! In this production I am almost ancient compared to the 22 year olds that make up most of the cast. I am resigned to being the one they might ask for advice from. Oh great,, Dr Phil here I come!!!
When did I turn into the old guy? Why wasn’t I consulted? I still look at other people and call them “Sir/Madam”. Where did the gray hair come from? Why can’t I stay up late as usual or why do my knees hurt so much after exercise? While I can give 1001 explanations for the occurrence of these things, let me just end it by saying…sigh..I’m OLD.
HARD Fact #2: Coupling
I’m single. All creatures couple. I haven’t coupled with anyone. My attempts at coupling have been absolute disasters (65% of it may be seen as my fault). In the early stages I always went after the things that just weren’t interested in me or just were BAD!!!! After that phase (am I really out of it yet?) I just resigned myself to being drama-free and to enjoying the friends I have and love.
The desire to couple has never really been there. I never did buy into the TV/Movie hype on love and when I did decide to give these things a try, they always ended in my heart being broken (rarely..lol) and someone telling me that I am evil (often..very often).
It is not that I am a bad person but I just abhor drama and detest acts by individuals to limit or control a person’s movements. Trust is a big thing in my life and while disappointment may feature in it more often than I would care to admit, I still hold myself to the higher standard. It doesn’t take a lot for me to say that I don’t trust someone, it actually takes a lot more for me to trust them. It is easier to assume the worst of someone and have them surprise you than to place them even on the slightest pedestal Who knew that in this day and age that asking someone to tell you the truth would be a deal breaker?
Anyway I digress, many have cited that my lack of successful couples (role models) in my life may lead to my inability to do the same but I just laugh at it. Not to sound clichéd but “I just haven’t met you yet”.
So why is it that when people try to “set me up”, it is always with a friend that is bordering on “crazy” or just a weeeeee bit more dysfunctional than I am. I will not talk about any blind dates recent or otherwise but at my age, you kinda know instantly if this person is a “dud” or something “special”. Still waiting on the special though.
That last point was a scattered one but all in all I have no regrets about my life so far. I would’ve liked to have been a daddy by now but when you are in the midst of fully understanding who you are and achieving your dreams, I don’t think that love would spite you for it. It will know when it is to come and won’t try to limit you.
Jeez there I go sounding like a hopeless romantic. A cynic I can accept. A romantic? Ummm the jury is still out on that one.
All in all I just needed to write this one out because Cam sent a shock through my system with how bold she was in her certainty that my life is not in balance. I guess if some part of me didn’t feel that way, then it wouldn’t have bothered me.
Oh well, the feeling has passed now.