My prolonged absence from the world of blogging had nothing to do with a lack of subject material to write on but more with my inability to manage my time properly. I found myself getting caught in lots of things and nothing at the same time. Family Feud on Facebook became an obsession and Farmville resurged as a game to be played for me. All of this to say that I seem to be becoming more of an introvert than I initially feared.
My desire for human interaction seems to be serviced adequately via Blackberry Messenger, Skype and Facebook status updates… Is some thing wrong with this? Oh Hell YES!!! Do I care? Err No????
I’ve reached that point in my life where I know that certain thing aren’t gonna happen for me and therefore I’m gonna enjoy life as is and feel blessed for the things that continue to surround me.
THINGS THAT ARE OFF THE WISH LIST
- Wife: After years of bad dates and a genuine lack of trying on my part, I’m not even bothering thinking about this one. Too many blind dates, too many “set ups”, too many women with kids and just not enough me willing to go the extra mile with these people. I take comfort that I have some amazing women in my life that scold me like a wife would. Actually, this weekend one called me to say that she knew where I was and that she hoped I was enjoying myself at a sporting event. It was a tad creepy but I know there was nothing malicious behind it. If it was any other woman, my internal sensor would’ve signalled that restraining order mode should go in to effect immediately.
- Family: Well if the first one isn’t working out then the second one is just too late to start now. Having a child/children now means my old ass is running after someone when I should be increasing my Metamucil intake and thinking about moving to Boca. I do however take comfort in the fact that I have a god daughter that makes me smile inside more than I thought a child could. She is absolutely beautiful and if I have a small part in raising her then I don’t think God is going to be upset.
- Adopting: Well being a single man, no one is going to hand children over to me to care for, no matter the sex. The government doesn’t trust single male as they assume we all want to “touch” them inappropriately. I don’t blame them for that as they need to protect the kids. I just know that is not my style. Then I ask myself…. Would adopting solve anything or just be a distraction to me so as not to deal with my sudden lack of socialization skills? Will I end up dropping the child/children off by my mother and jet off to London or New York on vacation? Hmmm I don’t think I’m paying that therapy bill.
- Career: As I child, we all dreamed of being an actor or singer and just merely walking into a room where everybody knew your name. As I sit at my cubicle in one corner of this office floor with a partial view of the outside world and no privacy whatsoever, me thinks that either “life has killed the dream I dreamed” or I have done it to myself. Let’s face it.. I am a banker. One who never counts or sees money but one who has just pushed paper for a long time in it. Growing up, I never envisioned being part of Disney’s “The Lion King” and so my expectations for having a career in the arts seemed totally within reach. Well it is much harder than it looks and if one wants to live comfortably, compromises have to be made. Some I was willing to do, others I opted not to. I did a play called “Boxes” this year and I was really proud of the work that I did for it. However, these things have not resulted in more “gigs”. I am not on anyone’s top ten list of people to work with and if I am on that list, it is because I work for free. So I guess it will continue to be a hobby and not something that I can call my own.
Now don’t get wrong or think that I am suicidal, I am just being realistic. At the age of 37, one has to do a little fact checking and analysis and come to certain hard truths. These hard truths in no way make me feel as if I haven’t had a full life, they just mean I need to temper my expectations going forward.
I just had a conversation with two female co-workers and they both came up with the same conclusion: I am Emotionally Unavailable to anyone. One even went as far to say that I sabotage every potential relationship that can develop. I quickly pointed out that I am THIRTY SEVEN and therefore have little time for any type of “Bella/Edward/Jacob courting that can take place over 3 to 4 books…..I just don’t have the time and at this point nor am I willing to devote all the energy into it.
At the end of the day…………..There are just certain paths that most people follow and I just chose different roads at crucial times resulting in my present state.
ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS……….