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Monthly Archives: November 2010

Paranoia


I don’t think I could ever comfortably watch someone in the face and not say that I have lead an interesting life. It may not be on the scale of some people who studied in California and then did a whirlwind tour of the USA and then returned home, but still mine life isn’t dull at all.

I credit some of this to the eccentric people that I seem to interact with throughout my life. Chief among those would have to be my grandmother, Mudda (as she was affectionately called). Don’t ask me why this name stuck with her or why whenever I referred to her a “granny” or “Charlotte” (her real name) she would not respond to me at all. Instead five minutes later I would feel a broom hit my back and her telling me that “I got no blasted respect for her”.  I loved LOVED my grandmother. No one else in the world could make me laugh as hard as her when she described things or by just being her.

Her are some of the things she has uttered to me or my siblings that are just priceless

Go wash yuh sassah. Yuh don’t want it to smell like Miss Tina mouth in Sunday Church” – response to my little sister refusing to bathe

Who tell yuh cut yuh hair? Next time cut yuh pussy hair and leave dat alone. Yuh looking like yuh hungry now” – to my cousin after she took a “Toni Braxton” type haircut (it looked good)

Lambkin, come sleep with Mudda now! I doh care if its only 6 o’clock” –  Her request to 7 year old me one afternoon.

Sigh There are many more but some too long to explain in any format or forum.

She told me many stories about her life and gave me lots of advice. Chief among them was about my appetite. She realised at a young age that I LOVED to eat and she had no problem feeding me when I visited.  It was her explicit instructions that I not eat from strangers at all. She said that if I needed to eat at a stranger’s house that I pray over the food first. When I enquired as to why I had to do all this when my brother and cousins didn’t necessarily have to follow this rule; she told me that I was a greedy child and that someone might try to do me harm or trap me in some scheme with food.

Well what she really said is…

Yuh is a greedy bitch and people go poison yuh backside if yuh not careful. If yuh aint dead yuh go end up like yuh cousin Maxwell who making chirren with dat too-too face girl in there.”

I listened and I listened well.

Of course over the years my love of food has become legendary in some quarters and people have been known to invite me over just so that they know there will be little leftovers in the morning. But I am still always careful.

Take these two scenarios and tell me what you think I should’ve done

De SWEETBREAD

Darlene (not her name) and I had a brief encounter many years ago. It yielded a strange friendship over the years but for the most part we kept out of each others’ way. She would, on rare occasions remind me that I broke her heart in some way and I would insist that nothing occurred to break a heart.

So imagine my surprise when a month or two ago, Darlene calls me and tells me her granny made some sweetbread and offered me a loaf. I asked the price and she told me that it was no charge. She just wanted to know how soon I could pass by to collect it. I told her to give me an hour.

Now I am not one to refuse food but as I made my way down to where she lived to collect it, I kept wondering what made her want to give me this gift?  During our brief interlude, I received no such gifts no was I even introduced to granny. Why all of sudden was she being so nice? Then I heard Mudda’s voice:

She trying to kill yuh, yuh greedy backside

Now the fact that I am alive today, says a lot but when  I collected the sweetbread from her, her parting words to me were:

“Make sure yuh eat all eh!”

ONE SHOT FOR MY PAIN

Shakeer is a bartender friend of mine. Oops I mean “Mixologist” (he doesn’t think of himself as a bartender). We’ve known each other for years and thanks to this friendship, I have gotten into a lot of parties for free and my friends and I have had a lot of drinks at little or no cost to us at some events.  He is a really cool guy but one can only properly describe him as a “player”.  When Shakeer is on the prowl, and has a prey in sight, there is nothing that will stop him. He is relentless. It’s funny to see him in action.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago, on my way home from playing tennis, I got a phone call from Shakeer asking if I was near town as he was looking for a ride home. We live in the same general area so it wasn’t a problem.

He gets into the car and immediately hands me a small Evian bottle that contains some brown stuff. He tells me he made a batch of Mudslides in work and remembered that I liked them so he put some away for me. (BTW: Rasta doh deal up in no Mudslides) I thanked him for the gesture and we continued on our way. During the drive he spoke of how life wasn’t going as he wanted and that a girl he was in love with just wasn’t taking him on even though his present girlfriend understood his love for the old girlfriend. (People mad yes).

I dropped him off and he reminded me as he left the car to have the drink as soon as I got home. I nodded.

When I got home suddenly became wrapped up in a number of things and completely forgot about the drink (which was still in the back seat of my car).

Around 10pm, I got a text from Shakeer asking if I had liked the drink. I confessed to him that I had forgotten about it and that it was still in the car. His reply text said:

Shakeer: No scn, go get it and drink it right away.

Me: No probs. Hope it still cold.

Shakeer: Yeah it would be. Text me as soon as you drink it. I wanna drink mine at the same time.

……………………

(SILENCE)

Mudda: “Wah kiss me ass ting is dis!!! Is obeah!

I went to the car and got the drink out.

——–

Now folks, there comes a time when one has to decide: Do the people on TV see me or am I just PARANOID???

I haven’t decided as yet. I just know that I may have some lingering trust issues with the universe so I always step back a bit and the voice of Mudda comes to me and reminds me to be careful with my greedy self.

These incidents may or may not be examples of people trying to harm me or people just trying to be close to me.  Anyway you take it, I am left with one conclusion:

I am a MESS!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 16, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

My Sacrifice!


I was involved in a test program by a Fitness Instructor who was trying to roll out a program for market called: “Improved Abs in 12 Weeks”. I jumped on the opportunity to be a test case subject as I really wanted to give it a try at losing this second trimester stomach I have been nursing for over 2 years (yes I have a long gestation period)

Anyway, there I was, in July, in a gym in Chaguanas, listening to this guy talk about the things I would be able to do come October and how my body would look and how proud I would be. I was psyched. Pumped up. Ready to take on the challenge.

Now before I got to this point, he had asked me to send him some info on myself including weight, waist size and height.  Little did I know that your waist size was around your belly button on not exactly where your pants fell on your body.

So I sent him:

Stefan Simmons – 37 years (yup 3 more years and they put me in boat to die)

Height: 6 ft

Weight: 236lbs (Shut up ok!!)

Waist: 38 inches (Actual wait size: 42)

On the faithful Sunday, he gave each participant a diet plan for each day of the week and an exercise program we were also to follow.

The rest of the class was spent showing us the exercises we were to complete for weeks 1-4.

Alternate Days Alternate Days
Aerobics 18 minutes 

(3 Mins Each Exercise)

6 exercises 

(No Resting)

Ab Work 40 minutes (3 Sets) 8 exercises (25- 40 reps)
No Rest Day No Rest Day

Looking at the schedule, I saw a challenge that would test me greatly, but if I wanted to at least take off my jersey once on a beach without working up the courage to do, I had to give it a try.

The last and most embarrassing thing that was done is that he took a picture of our stomachs as he wanted to monitor progress. I am glad he will NEVER publish my stomach photo as I think  Octo-mom wanted nothing with the way my stomach looked.

And we are off….

WEEK ONE

WEEK ONE Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7
Breakfast Oatmeal Cereal Oatmeal Cereal Cheese Pies (2) Ensure Cereal
Lunch BBQ Chicken & Side Salad – Soup Gyro
Dinner Grilled Chicken And Romaine Lettuce Shanghai Chicken Salad Popcorn
Exercise Nope Yes Nope Nope Yes Kinda Yes
Problem Birthday cake in office Birthday Cake in office PB Sandwich Shirley Biscuits

After that week I thought I was off to a GREAT Start, the aerobic part was kicking my butt as I couldn’t get through one exercise without lying on the floor gasping for air.

The Ab days were better and I would admit to doing more than required so that I didn’t do it the next time I had to. Plus, I was in pain.

PROBLEM: Cake – Apparently, I have a problem with cake and refusing it. There were two birthdays in my office that week and well, while I avoided wishing them well, somehow cake ended up on my desk. But I did not have the icing. (Gold Star for me)

The instructor asked up to sign up on his website so that we could pose questions to him on any problems we were having or diet questions.

 

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I posted this:

Fatboy 20:

Ok While the diet is not as bad as i thought I have a few questions:

Soup- how much ? Can Dumplings and provision be in abundance?

Go Ahead Bars? Do they pass as a mid morning snack?

Wheat Wraps? Good? Once a day or 3 times a week? I just need to know dosage…

Instructor Response:

Soup with all those provisions, is NOT RECOMMENDED. You are going against the menu plan and the recommended amount of calories and macronutrients, which is designed to reduce your stomach fat. Please attempt to follow the menu plan provided, as discussed use your discretion and prepare meals to your liking.

————————-

You see me getting any help on this message board? I should’ve known no help would be forthcoming.

NOTE: Any food I was ever beaten to consume as a child,  I will not consume now!!! Fish, Tuna, Sardines, Mauby, Lima Beans, Okra & Rice, Pig Tail, Cow Heel, Chicken Foot, Chicken Neck and any other disgusting parts of animals that no human should be consuming. Hence why I need substitutes in his crazy diet plan.

I don’t care how grilled salmon may sound to some people, all I envision when the name is said is my mother with a swizzle stick over me telling me that i’m not moving from the table til its all gone….. Yeah I’m scarred.

 

WEEKS TWO TO FOUR

I got things down to a science.

While still not able to do that Aerobic torture thing all the way through, I have increased my stamina on the tennis court and my ab exercises are coming along really fine

Food wise, I have moved from buying two loaves of bread for a week to one pack of 5 wraps,(it took a little work as “Bread is my life” but I am beginning to realise that you DON’T need a PB sandwich after every meal).

In using the wraps, I have started making my own chicken and steak gyros and I even tried my hand at making garlic sauce. I am so proud of myself.

The cravings for cake are diminishing and I feel really good.

Had a Waist measurement in Week Four that made me realise that my waist in by my belly button so it looks like I have lost no weight in this area thanks to my incorrect measurement. Kinda depressed,

 

WEEKS FIVE TO EIGHT (Houston……)

Oatmeal and Cereal are beginning to annoy the hell out of me but on Friday when I decided to have a “cheat day” and purchase a two cheese pies, I felt sick afterwards. (Relax nothing came back up, my stomach refuses to let food go to waste, no matter how disgusting).

Aerobics getting harder to do as my work load is increasing. Spoke with Instructor who told me that I need more drive (Steups I should drive meh car over yuh damn foot!!).

Abs work is also suffering as I am getting home really late and when I attempt to go to the ground to do the exercise, my brain told me to try it on my bed. (Not as effective as the ground, but less painful).

BTW: If I see any more lettuce, I will kill someone!!! I bought cherry tomatoes as well so I am now trying new things…..

Weight: 226 (TEN POUNDS LOST!!!!!) Where’s the ice cream to celebrate?

 

WEEK NINE TO TWELVE (Steups!!!)

I was unable to make to Sunday meetings with the instructor as work got in the way. Actually he cancelled on session, so I only missed one. I gave him my feedback on how the program would be more effective if one was forced to come to the gym everyday to do it. He told me that I can find every excuse in the book as to why stuff isn’t working. (Don’t you hate it when these skinny MFs think they know everything all because when they eat pasta, nothing happens and when I eat it I go into a slight coma?    Skinny Bitch!!!)

A Cake lady somehow emerged on my floor and while EVERYONE in my office knew that I was not to touch the stuff, I got a free sample of Carrot and chocolate cake two weeks in a row. (Yes, I think she could sell drugs as well with her strategy).

However, when I do have cake,

Aerobic –         Who dat?

Ab Workout–  (silence)

Tennis –          I increased my hours on the court and I feel better!!!

STOMACH It’s there…but I feel sexier these days…Looked in the mirror the other                                day and stared at myself a tab bit too long….

.

Due to End of Year work demands, all went to hell and so I therefore never went to the final weigh in and waist check. I guess I failed the test.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I failed. My diet is ten times better than it was when I started. I feel much more energized and cake is no longer my kryptonite. Sugar has lost it’s substantial power over me. I have even increased my fruit intake, so props to me.

I don’t know how successful the other candidates were, nor do I care since I was the one looking for change in MY life.

 

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Here is an Article on the Program:

http://guardian.co.tt/features/life/2010/11/01/way-perfect-abs

 
1 Comment

Posted by on November 1, 2010 in Fitness