I don’t think I could ever comfortably watch someone in the face and not say that I have lead an interesting life. It may not be on the scale of some people who studied in California and then did a whirlwind tour of the USA and then returned home, but still mine life isn’t dull at all.
I credit some of this to the eccentric people that I seem to interact with throughout my life. Chief among those would have to be my grandmother, Mudda (as she was affectionately called). Don’t ask me why this name stuck with her or why whenever I referred to her a “granny” or “Charlotte” (her real name) she would not respond to me at all. Instead five minutes later I would feel a broom hit my back and her telling me that “I got no blasted respect for her”. I loved LOVED my grandmother. No one else in the world could make me laugh as hard as her when she described things or by just being her.
Her are some of the things she has uttered to me or my siblings that are just priceless
“Go wash yuh sassah. Yuh don’t want it to smell like Miss Tina mouth in Sunday Church” – response to my little sister refusing to bathe
“Who tell yuh cut yuh hair? Next time cut yuh pussy hair and leave dat alone. Yuh looking like yuh hungry now” – to my cousin after she took a “Toni Braxton” type haircut (it looked good)
“Lambkin, come sleep with Mudda now! I doh care if its only 6 o’clock” – Her request to 7 year old me one afternoon.
Sigh There are many more but some too long to explain in any format or forum.
She told me many stories about her life and gave me lots of advice. Chief among them was about my appetite. She realised at a young age that I LOVED to eat and she had no problem feeding me when I visited. It was her explicit instructions that I not eat from strangers at all. She said that if I needed to eat at a stranger’s house that I pray over the food first. When I enquired as to why I had to do all this when my brother and cousins didn’t necessarily have to follow this rule; she told me that I was a greedy child and that someone might try to do me harm or trap me in some scheme with food.
Well what she really said is…
“Yuh is a greedy bitch and people go poison yuh backside if yuh not careful. If yuh aint dead yuh go end up like yuh cousin Maxwell who making chirren with dat too-too face girl in there.”
I listened and I listened well.
Of course over the years my love of food has become legendary in some quarters and people have been known to invite me over just so that they know there will be little leftovers in the morning. But I am still always careful.
Take these two scenarios and tell me what you think I should’ve done
Darlene (not her name) and I had a brief encounter many years ago. It yielded a strange friendship over the years but for the most part we kept out of each others’ way. She would, on rare occasions remind me that I broke her heart in some way and I would insist that nothing occurred to break a heart.
So imagine my surprise when a month or two ago, Darlene calls me and tells me her granny made some sweetbread and offered me a loaf. I asked the price and she told me that it was no charge. She just wanted to know how soon I could pass by to collect it. I told her to give me an hour.
Now I am not one to refuse food but as I made my way down to where she lived to collect it, I kept wondering what made her want to give me this gift? During our brief interlude, I received no such gifts no was I even introduced to granny. Why all of sudden was she being so nice? Then I heard Mudda’s voice:
“She trying to kill yuh, yuh greedy backside”
Now the fact that I am alive today, says a lot but when I collected the sweetbread from her, her parting words to me were:
“Make sure yuh eat all eh!”
ONE SHOT FOR MY PAIN
Shakeer is a bartender friend of mine. Oops I mean “Mixologist” (he doesn’t think of himself as a bartender). We’ve known each other for years and thanks to this friendship, I have gotten into a lot of parties for free and my friends and I have had a lot of drinks at little or no cost to us at some events. He is a really cool guy but one can only properly describe him as a “player”. When Shakeer is on the prowl, and has a prey in sight, there is nothing that will stop him. He is relentless. It’s funny to see him in action.
Anyway, a couple of nights ago, on my way home from playing tennis, I got a phone call from Shakeer asking if I was near town as he was looking for a ride home. We live in the same general area so it wasn’t a problem.
He gets into the car and immediately hands me a small Evian bottle that contains some brown stuff. He tells me he made a batch of Mudslides in work and remembered that I liked them so he put some away for me. (BTW: Rasta doh deal up in no Mudslides) I thanked him for the gesture and we continued on our way. During the drive he spoke of how life wasn’t going as he wanted and that a girl he was in love with just wasn’t taking him on even though his present girlfriend understood his love for the old girlfriend. (People mad yes).
I dropped him off and he reminded me as he left the car to have the drink as soon as I got home. I nodded.
When I got home suddenly became wrapped up in a number of things and completely forgot about the drink (which was still in the back seat of my car).
Around 10pm, I got a text from Shakeer asking if I had liked the drink. I confessed to him that I had forgotten about it and that it was still in the car. His reply text said:
Shakeer: No scn, go get it and drink it right away.
Me: No probs. Hope it still cold.
Shakeer: Yeah it would be. Text me as soon as you drink it. I wanna drink mine at the same time.
Mudda: “Wah kiss me ass ting is dis!!! Is obeah!
I went to the car and got the drink out.
Now folks, there comes a time when one has to decide: Do the people on TV see me or am I just PARANOID???
I haven’t decided as yet. I just know that I may have some lingering trust issues with the universe so I always step back a bit and the voice of Mudda comes to me and reminds me to be careful with my greedy self.
These incidents may or may not be examples of people trying to harm me or people just trying to be close to me. Anyway you take it, I am left with one conclusion:
I am a MESS!