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You Oughta Know

11 Mar

You, sir! Too, sir!

Welcome to the grave!

I will have vengeance!

I will have salvation!

                                                                                  – Epiphany “Sweeney Todd”

 

“Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” has always been and will always be a favourite of mine. I am fascinated by the character of Sweeney Todd and his single-mindedness towards retribution and then the slight detours he has to make in order to achieve it and the eventual sad but fitting outcome.  I love it.  I felt his pain.  I feel his pain.

 

Within recent times, I have become obsessed with vengeance. Well no, that’s a lie. I’ve ALWAYS been obsessed with vengeance and only recently it dawned on me that there are people out there who seem to be really happy when they have wronged me and cheated me out of either what I deserve or just been plain nasty to me. Betrayed my trust, abused my friendship or tried to undercut me at work.

 

And like Sweeney Todd, I have planned my vengeance out on them”. In most instances, I have come up with the perfect crime. Thanks to shows like CSI and Criminal Minds, the holes/flaws in my plans were nicely and neatly tied up so that trace evidence is nonexistent but pain is certain.

 

……And I will get him back even as he gloats  

In the meantime I’ll practice on less honorable throats…..

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to murder anyone! Well… the thought has crossed my mind but no.  I won’t do it. Murder is not an option.  It is too final and results in only a moment of pain.  I need to make them suffer.  I need to see them howl in pain or be broken to the extent that any trace of a smile or remote happiness is immediately removed from their faces. I need them to hurt and hurt bad. Suffer abject humiliation.  I need them to turn to God for salvation and join a monastery and live in silence after I have finished with them. 

 

Wow, it felt good to get that out.

 

Now, I could have said more on the topic but I think my point has been made abundantly clear that there are some people out there that I wish the universe would hurry up and deal with them so that I can see them fall and be there to laugh heartily. Alas, that doesn’t happen.  For example: Abu Bakr is still walking around this earth after he held a country to ransom more than 20 years ago.  That example is more on a national anger level, my pains are much closer and like Abu Bakr these people are leading happy peaceful lives while the mere sight of them brings memories  and anger flooding back to my subconscious.

 

You know what happens then? I go through my two days of anger, anguish and torture (Yes, it only last two days. Anything more and murder is on the cards) only to come up stronger but with the knowledge that another part of my humanity has died. My soul, my core has been slashed and my being will never be able to function the same again.

 

And boy has my soul taken a beating over the years.

 

For each person that has done me wrong, I can actually tell you a plan of action that I have formulated in my mind to deal with them. Call a name (if you know one) and I would tell you. Of course some names you might call may result in me just laughing it off as I think the universe has dealt with them efficiently enough or their transgressions to me are minor and not even worth a thought.

 

Have I ever executed one of my plans? Yes I have. Twice

 

Only Twice? Why not more? Karma!

 

Yes folks, Karma. It is a BIG BITCH that seems to come at me when I decide to take matters into my own hands. It is not that karma delays its punishment to me like it does for others. Oh no, it comes fast and furious! And when Karma hits me, it usually hits my wallet as well and takes me down a couple notches. Sigh…

 

EXAMPLE:

A fellow student at Holy Cross College who had a habit of picking on me and making my life slightly unbearable moved from slightly tapping me on my head to banging it against a wall one day.  I was a skinny Form one student who could not fight to save his life.  When I verbally attacked him on his Neanderthal –like behaviour and likened his brain power unto that of an ant, he escalated the abuse which resulted in me falling and bruising myself.

 

What did I do? I got a friend in my neighbourhood to introduce me to an older but similarly wrought idiot and I paid him $20 to go up to the boy and slap him hard in front of his friends. The idiot did it and got away with it.  I was smiling like Christmas came early that year.

 

Later that night he was boasting to some friends about the matter and a woman from our church heard the tale and told my mother who scolded me and immediately took away my allowance and my hidden stash of cash (well I thought it was hidden). I was to use my (gulp) bus pass to get to and from school for the month. What are the odds?

It was beautiful seeing someone slap the guy to the floor and him not fighting back but the subsequent loss of cash and privilege and being made to apologise in front of the church for my actions was not worth it!!

Oh I never got my “hidden” stash of cash back!

——-

 

The tale above is a mild one. My other tale involved breaking up an engagement and the results of that are too painful to discuss but at the time of the action, I had the biggest grin on my face. The evil joy that was in my heart at the time was too good to last for long. I paid dearly for it.

 

Now, I am passive aggressive. I just plot and plot the ultimate destruction of mortals but never execute. God just has a way of punishing me for taking matters into my own hands that I don’t think he does with others.

 Alas my cry is still the same:

 When Lord? When?

When will they suffer? When will I see justice done? Why must I be the only one in pain? WHEN?????

 

Church teaches you alot of coping mechanisms to deal with wanting vengeance but I find some of these notions a little to timid. For years I thought the acronym PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens) related to getting vengeance but I was chastised by an elder for using prayer to try and smite down someone. 

I was told I needed to pray for their salvation and for God to stir within their hearts to make them wantto lead a better life.  I thought I was doing just that. My prayer to God was always very specific in the manner I wanted him to deal with them and i knew after it occurred they would seek out to be with Jesus and commune with him. I guess it had too much anger. God never answered those prayers though. Go figure!

There is a song from church which goes:

Victory is mine. The Battle is the Lord’s.

 

(Bows Head. Clasp Hands. Looks up to ceiling)

Umm Hi God, can we collaborate once or twice on the battle? Ok if we don’t collaborate, can I just be let in on the plan for them?

 

Thanks.

Please?

Ok I’ll hush now.

 

AMEN!

 
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Posted by on March 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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