I have been going through what I can only describe as an artistic low at this point of time. After coming off the high of performing RENT and getting some super positive feedback (also some negative ones), I have been in search of trying to fill the void left by the closing of the show. After rehearsing for the past four months, I find myself alone. Alone with my thoughts, and there are starving for another venture, another way to express itself.
I tried to use photography as the void filler but somehow I am lacking vision. Nothing I seem to snap seems beautiful and ideas and themes and concepts seem to escape me. Yup I am in some serious drought here. Magazines, models, faces, nature….nothing. Nothing seems to be inspiring me. Hence I put a call out for a Muse. Alas people answered in wanting to be a Muse but I don’t think they have any idea what a muse does. They just want their picture taken and frankly most of them couldn’t inspire mold to grow.
I got a tad bit excited the other day when an ad agency called me to audition for a commercial but when I got there and saw the tall pretty (steups) muscular guy that was auditioning for it as well, I knew what direction the ad agency would go, but I still gave them my best smile. All they did was take my picture and my height info and said they would call me. Tall Guy spent about 5-10mins chatting with them. Steups!
Side note: Tall guy was a fan of my performance in RENT and told me that I almost made him cry. Sigh.. now I can’t hate him!!
I am still on a low. Not even CDs are moving me to purchase them. Normally, when in a funk like this I go and buy a couple CDs and the mood clears. Nothing…..Haven’t even been inspired to go to the movies much.
Then last night, I felt a light on my face.
I was at home flipping channels and decided to watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy as I had not seen it in ages. Lo and behold, the episode starts off with one of its characters’ siging “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol. I was in shock and totally moved by their performance and those of the other characters that got involved in the song as well. It was well executed. My allergies started to act up. I swear there is too much pollen in the air these days. I turned off my fan so that the air around me could be still and maybe prevent the onslaught of sniffling that I anticipated.
After a few hits and misses for me with this episode of singing characters , there comes this introduction to a haunting song which Callie sings. I soaked up every lyric that spewed out of her mouth and felt a connection. I understood now why the Adjustment Bureau made it possible that I was home tonight to see this episode. (If you haven’t seen The Adjustment Bureau – GOT SEE IT!!!!). I understood the plan, I understood the music. While many people I spoke to afterwards didn’t even connect to the song, I had to tell them that it wasn’t placed there for them but for ME!
The song had the effect of piercing my soul in a scarred area and strangely enough it began to heal and remove the scar from within. I felt at ease. Not at peace or in bliss, but I suddenly understood something and it made me smile. This wasn’t any “mountain top, earth shattering moment”, it came in a subtle manner and swept a calm understanding over me.
The song is called GRACE. It was originally sung by Kate Havnevik but Callie (Sara Ramirez) gave it a new voice to me.
I bought the episode of Grey’s Anatomy Season 7 Episode 18: A Song Beneath a Song
Here are the lyrics:
GRACE – Kate Havnevik I'm on my knees Only memories I left for me to hold. Don't know how, but I'll get by Slowly pull myself together. I'll get through this There's no escape So keep me safe This feels so unreal. Nothing comes easily Fill this empty space Nothing is like it seems Turn my grief to grace. I feel the cold Loneliness unfold From another world Come what may I won't fade away, but I know I might change Nothing comes easily Fill this empty space Nothing is like it was Turn my grief to grace. Nothing comes easily where do I begin Nothing can bring me peace I've lost everything. I just want to feel your embrace.
Here is the song:
What do you think?