I Want You To Want Me…….

29 Apr

“What must it like to be in your head?”

These words are said to me often by my good friend Clint whenever I am relaying a situation or experience to him. I usually laugh when he says it but sometimes it causes me to take a few giant steps back and re-analyse certain situations. Most of the time I stick with my initial reaction or decision (well I’m stubborn like that) but sometimes I have to regroup and make adjustments to my thought process.

I always pride myself in living in the land of “Logic”. I am told that myLandofLogicis slightly different to those of others. I usually say I live on the Logic continent while you are on an island. Of course that doesn’t go across well at all but you catch my drift. Anyway, I write all this as a preface to my point of discussion:

FRIENDS – What are they? Who are they? Are they real? Do you need them? Is there a point to them? Sigh…..

Recently I was deleted off of someone’s blackberry and I sent them a text expressing my confusion as to the deletion. I was told that they were tired of being the only one working on the friendship and that I was not making an effort at it.

Err ok…..What exactly was I doing wrong?

“I want you to want to do the dishes” was the response.

I immediately got confused. Not only did I catch the reference to that HORRIBLE Jennifer Anniston/Vince Vaughn movie “The Break Up” but what the hell did that have to do with friendship?

I want you to want to lime with me. I don’t want you to feel obligated to go out if I ask. I see you going out and taking pictures with all kinds of people but you never invite to any of these things.

Err that’s because other people are inviting ME to events!

I am not begging you for anything. I just want to be friends.

Err ok…Your view of friendship and my view of it are COMPLETELY different. Friends are people I can count on. I don’t need to see them everyday but I know they have my back and are not going to think I am neglecting them if I go out with someone else. We understand our relationship and how special we are to each other. The nature of that relationship is  based on Trust  and Understanding.

You don’t get it. You are blaming this all on me because I decided to take control of my life and sever something you don’t have the courage to do.

Umm….Are you severing a friendship or the hopes of us hooking up? Anyway, you do what you gotta do. When you need me, I’ll be here.

Must EVERYTHING revolve around someone wanting you? Steups


People….Am I missing something here?




I totally get the reference to my inability to sever relationships with people as I try as much as possible to be cordial with everyone. I don’t believe in burning bridges that just needed either some repair work or not be crossed for extended periods. Some bridges cannot handle too much wear and tear and some just need time to settle into its foundation before any kind of heavy traffic can pass over.

If I decide to “burn a bridge”, trust me when I say that there is no going back. I am not one for drama so you won’t see or hear any loud explosions signaling that a bridge has been disintegrated. Nope, all that will happen is that the access road will be cut off and the bridge ceases to exist in my world.

I take friendships seriously. My friends are like my grandmother’s teeth: “Few and far between”. There is no need for drama with them.

My take on the above conversation has to do more with someone wanting more than friendship with me and not being satisfied of my approach. Granted I could’ve handled it better and made some time to hang out but I am one lazy bastard.

I’m getting old and it becomes problematic to do all that hard work in making new friends. I don’t have the energy I once possessed to go clubbing or drinking or hanging out every night. I like my bed. I like my alone time.  This body no longer desires to be out playing pool and drinking at some ungodly hour when I have work in the morning.

I tell most people that like in “Cinderella, I change into a pumpkin after midnight. So get me home before that.

Otherwise, as a co-worker once said to me after I bombarded them with a series of emails and a phone call, then came to their desk to ask a question….



Posted by on April 29, 2011 in Relationships


10 responses to “I Want You To Want Me…….

  1. Maurice

    April 29, 2011 at 13:14

    Hmm, where to begin. It is a pity that things have advanced the way that they have, but I would prefer to refrain from adding any more on this particular issue as having prior knowledge of it – I feel I am a bit biased. Instead let me provide some general thoughts on my introspection on friendships.

    Stefan you mention logic as a driver behind the way that you act, and that the relationships in which you engage are guided by logic. While I cannot disagree with your rationale – because the human mind is a unique beast -I would have to say that relationships are often not guided by binary logic and instead are guided by an ambiguous set of rules that are embedded in bonding social capital. Right.

    So observation, introspection, and reflection (not necessarily in that order) are important for understanding relationships and all the intricacies that come along with it. Unfortunately many persons do not engage in the ancient arts of self-maturation, and perhaps need a patient explanation of ‘how I feel about this or us’.



    • Stefan

      April 29, 2011 at 13:28

      It should be guided/governed by binary logic. Basic rules that let you know this is what to expect. I understand that different types of friendshipsexist and are formed mainly out of need/want or circumstance but there must be order.

      • Maurice

        April 29, 2011 at 14:13

        Right. Agreed that there must be order, but order is not necessarily binary logic. It is in fact something more complexed, which I would be happy to discuss further.


  2. Camz

    April 29, 2011 at 18:53

    Oy vey, where to start. sigh…

    My perception of your (ex-) friend is that she reacts from an emotional base, has different expectations of your friendship and there exists a need for ‘that guy’ who will fill all the emotional holes though not necessarily the physical ones 🙂 You on the other hand, for the most part, see things very black and white in what, for the majority of us, is a colour filled palate of tones, textures and mixed media. You also seem to refuse to step out of your own head and let go of your mental mode. You dont have to agree with someone else’s point of view… somedays you just need to be able to acknowledge it. It’s even harder for you, cause you are fundamentally an introvert (introverts comes in many shapes and sizes and does not mean antisocial)

    Honestly, her deleteing you is her making a superfical effort to remove her expections of you (and ofcourse ignoring the real issue) but it satisfies a part of her on an emotional level. You are prob more of a ‘quality time’ kinda guy and she’s a ‘quantity time’ kinda girl. And from most girls’ perspective, we never want to feel like we are chasing ANYONE down to spend time with us. It’s a matter of Pride. I think she still should have spoken to you face to face, before taking such a ‘dramatic’ step by deleteing you from her BB

    Speaking of which, as much as I acknowledge the convenience of BB msngr, all other technological advancements in communication, they never ever ever take the place of a face to face conversation. 97% of communication is non verbal (!!!!!!!). So I also have to question if YOU really cared about the friendship. Why didnt you at least call? Texts are so impersonal and wimpy. And you wonder why she thinks you dont care… Both of you are speaking the wrong language and until that changes, maybe it is better left this way

    my two cents 🙂

    • Stefan

      April 29, 2011 at 19:10

      I love your two cents. We speak on the phone occasionally but messenger is the main means of communication for an introvert like me. Caring about a friendship goes beyond just calling. It is about being “there” for someone and providing an ear without judgement. If it is just a friendship then what is all the drama about? I know i can be a bit cold and insensitive but I know people who will spend quantity time with you but let something weird occur and they are nowhere to be found.

      I have resigned myself to being the bad guy in this scenario.

      • Camz

        April 29, 2011 at 20:29

        agreed on the friendship thing. when you have fabulous long time friendships that have lasted through months of silences and hours of heated debates, the shallowness of new(er) friendships pale in comparison and its harder to forgive their shortcomings. True friendships dont come easy and they are even harder to kill. Everything else is just fluff.

        PS some people like/need/crave drama. accept it and move on 🙂

  3. Nolon

    April 29, 2011 at 22:05

    I totally get where your friend is coming from. She examined the relationship as it was (from her perspective), she was no longer content to exist in the relationship the way it was, and she did what she deemed necessary. Just because you were content with the way things were doesn’t mean that she also had to be content. And it doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong, or bad. If two people aren’t each getting what they want out of a relationship, then what’s the point of it existing?

    I think we all have own definitions of what a friend is. You said a friend is someone you can count on. (Interesting to note that your definition only speaks to what the other person can do for you, not what you do for them.) It would appear that for her, a friend was something different – something that you were not. So, if you were not being what she considers to be a friend, and you were not interested in becoming that either (based on the part of the discussion you shared above), then it makes sense to me for the relationship to end. What good is a relationship if only one party is satisfied?

    I am like your friend – if a friendship isn’t working for me, I end it. I don’t keep you as a friend on facebook, I don’t keep your phone number because I have no intention of communicating with you. Other people are different – they’d keep you as a friend on facebook, they’d keep your PIN on their blackberry, but you just won’t hear from them.

    • Stefan

      April 29, 2011 at 23:03

      You misunderstand me in my use of the word count on. It goes both ways. It is not about what you can get out of the relationship, it is about forming a bond that transcends all the crap that invades our space each day.

      • nolon

        April 29, 2011 at 23:35

        I don’t think I misunderstood you. What you’re saying now is that “and vice versa” was implied at the end of your definition of what a friend is. And I can readily accept that.

        But does having a bond that transcends all the crap that invades our space each day somehow stop you from dialing someone’s number to ask how they’re doing, or sending a text, or inviting them to the movies?

        I’m not saying that you should do those things. I’m just saying that some people want that in a friendship. And if you’re not willing to give that, then you shouldn’t be surprised if the friendship ends.

  4. Nadia

    June 9, 2011 at 12:14

    Hey Stefan, I don’t know all the details of your relationship with this person, so you please forgive me if what I say is totally off point as far as you see it….

    I have had very similar conversations with a couple of friends of mine…..both male and female and for me what it really comes down to is an emotional response….not a logical one.

    Let me explain.

    Whether we admit it or not….different people mean different things to us, even within the realm of friendship. Basically, I have two friends, but I would expect different things from them. What one would get away with, another would not.

    I recently ended a friendship with a girlfriend of mine and the conversation went almost the same way as the one above….well without the dishes line…. After 15 yrs of being friends, yes…15yrs…it just got exhausting….. I have to call, I have to invite her out and then it’s like I begging because she always has a very good reason why she can’t go, call me back, I will let you know, I will think about it….meanwhile, she liming all over the place with other people. People who don’t care about her and who haven’t been there every time she needed them. After a while, of always being there and always the one who seems to be trying to maintain a friendship with a person, you get tired. You feel hurt, because the truth is the person obviously has placed a different value to the relationship than you do. And it hurts.

    Like I said, maybe I am wrong, but while you may think she is over-reacting, she may be thinking that your reaction is actually a validation of her feeling that the relationship does not mean anything to you.

    The good news is…..if you guys are really friends and your relationship is really of value to you, it is not beyond saving. She may take awhile to trust you with her friendship again, but if you talk to her and explain that you are willing to work on it, you may actually end up with a better friendship than the one you had before….

    Just my little thoughts…..


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