Being the benevolent and wonderful person that I am (stop laughing), I take pleasure in helping my fellow man in every sphere of life. For example, one of the office cleaners saw a book on my desk last week and asked if I could loan it to her to read. Well what she really said is…
Cleaner: Hear nah leh me borrow dat book on yuh desk. I does read plenty yuh know.
Me: Err Please
Cleaner: Hee Hee Hee. Steforrrrrn why you so? Oh God len meh de book nah.Pleeese (blushing as she says it)
The book in question, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, belongs to a little girl who had a crush on me during a production we had worked on together. She insisted on bringing books for me to read since she had noticed that when not rehearsing, I would be reading. I forgot this one in my trunk and now that the production is over, I can’t seem to locate mother or daughter to return it.
Anyway, I lent said book to the cleaner. I get to my desk this morning and find the book with a note attached.
(SIDE NOTE: I did not forge it. This is an authentic note)
For those who can’t make it out, it reads :
Thanks for the read It’s a shame you refuse to shit where you eat. Wellok:
Hi all, My name is Stefan Simmons and I am a FLIRT!
It is something that I thought was harmless initially but as I get older, I realise that some people seem to take it very seriously. I don’t understand it. It is like a month ago when some people were upset with me because I kissed more than one person in a month. Come On!!! A kiss? Really?
Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to flirt! It is healthy. It helps you and the people you flirt with have a sense of satisfaction. Plus it spares feelings in a big way (At least so I think).
But I digress…
This said cleaner (who knows my name but I have NO idea what is hers) has been eyeing me for a while. She makes it a point to tell me hello whenever she sees me and within the last month or two has gotten really brave in her conversations with me. So much so that one evening, when I worked late, she stopped what she was doing to have a conversation with me. During this conversation, I discovered the following:
- She thinks I am a decent and respectable man.
- She dated someone in her company and it didn’t end well
- She used her money and rented an apartment for him and he cheated on her.
- She is looking for something much more meaningful and she thinks I am a nice guy
- She is very loving and caring and will take care of whatever need her man has.
Throughout this conversation, I kept telling myself , “Hush, Stefan Hush” but at the end of her rant I could not help myself.
I told her that I understood her dilemma but that she was enabling the men in her life to be dependent and abuse her good nature. I told her that she had no right to spend her money renting an apartment for the guy and that it is obvious that she likes men who will abuse her good nature.
Silence………then she says
Cleaner: But I find you nice
Me: And there is your problem. I am trouble. I will take advantage of you. I see your weaqknesses and know that I can exploit them
Cleaner: What is my weaknesses?
Me: ah just told you. You like men that you know are trouble and will abuse your good heart. You definitely not equipped to handle me. Plus I don’t shit where I eat!
Cleaner: Eh? Excuse me? Wah dat mean?
Me: It means I don’t date or socialize with people I work with. If you had followed my rule that last boyfriend of yours would’ve never happened.
Cleaner: Oh ok. That makes sense. But you can’t fight love.
Me: Ha Ha Ha Ha! That is not love, that is horniness and laziness. You don’t want to go out there and find someone so you pick people that you work with to fall for.
Cleaner: Wow, you harsh yes. Anyway, leh me move before the supervisor see meh. You have a good night Steforrrrn
Me: (grimaces inside at how she pronounced my name) You too.
Previous to the book incident, she had left a note on my desk saying
“Good Morning Sir. Have a Great Day”
I had no idea who had left it then but now that I can compare handwriting, I know now.
Now the correct thing for me to do is nip this in the bud and tell her that I don’t appreciate these messages etc or speak with her supervisor and have her moved to another building or something. However, the evil side of me thinks I should flirt even more and make her blush everytime she sees me. Of course this may lead her to think that I’m playing “hard to get” and therefore intrigue her further.
Actually all I am thinking is that I better stop this because she might knock me over the head one late night in the office and rape me. As I think back now and get scared, I remember one evening she stared at me so hard that I knew I was being violated in the middle of the office with my clothes on.
I think I have a problem with this flirting thing. My belief is that, it is okay to flirt with people as it is better than hurting their feelings. Flirting is harmless and in most instances it can brighten someone’s day.
In my desire to not hurt anyone’s feelings, like how mine were crushed during my formative years by names I wish to call but will not (SNBLRJCPGSFSFDFRPFFBGLC), I fear I may have wounded more people than I thought I was helping. I honestly think I am helping by not saying stuff like:
“You disgust me”
“I would never hook up with you”
“Eww ” “Oh Geed”
“you not my type”
“You are partially my type but dat belly have to go”
“Have you tried a bath?”
I would NEVER ever tell anyone these things (to their face) and because I can’t be mean and upfront like that. Instead, because of my passive aggressive stance I get labeled:
A nasty dutty stinking dog!
There are other names, they are just too graphic to be represented in this forum, but you get my point. When did it become a crime to try and walk away from someone without hurting their feelings?
Then comes the clincher: “Just be honest with me. I can take it!”
Cut to the next scene where I am either running to my car hoping no big stone or pot spoon will hit my glass or I am turning up the radio so no neighbor can hear the sweet cuss-out I getting for being insensitive or I am being blasted on Facebook for being a C U Next Tuesday. How can you win?
I was just flirting! I didn’t sleep with you nor did I promise you a ring or marriage. So how come I am the bad guy?
All of this reflection is bursting through as I try to resolve what my REAL PROBLEM is….
Did I flirt too much? Is there a quota/limit on flirting?
Did I make promises I had no intention f keeping? No
Did I make a move? Nope. Not done
So what the hell did I do? You were too nice!
Oh Yes, I placed the notion of happiness into someone’s mind and they decided to take the thought further in theirs. Oh yes I see it all too clear!
I am the bad guy!!!
So forget the guy who left you stranded after a party or who cheated on you constantly but bought you gifts. Forget, the lies told to you and the times they didn’t show up or when they were angry for no reason. Forget the time he invited you out with his friends and you ended up paying the bill! Forget all of that!!
I am the NASTY person who came up to you, told you something nice and left you with a good feeling inside. I may have hugged you as well (And boy do I give good hugs!!) but I am evil and nasty.
So let me say from the bottom of my heart that I am SORRY!!!
I vow to stop flirting from now on!!
(Insert Evil Grin here)