As you get older and (hopefully) wiser, this thing called love and by extension, relationships, either start making sense to you or they start crumbling all around. I’ve had both instances happen simultaneously and boy have do I have stories to tell,but not now! I’ve learnt alot over these years and as I near
f(cough)ty thirty, it becomes apparent that I either need to compromise on alot of the stuff I want from people or continue along my road of being the cranky old guy in the neighbourhood that children throw stones at at night.
The problem is, I think I compromise too flipping much and as I recently learnt while doing the play Smile Orange: don’t let the anger build up . Otherwise you never know when someone telling you that you missed a line can trigger you near to Mount Vesuvius levels of eruptions on them. One needs therefore to achieve some measure of balance in dealing with people and relationships.
Gone are the days when I technically gave people enough rope to hang themselves, I now do the deed myself in a much quicker time period saving rope.
I always find it amazing that while I can look past the faults in others, and see the beauty of who they are ( in my own cynical way), they can’t seem but to need me to change immediately as if this form is just not pleasing to them. To this I say: then why were you with me? I am not anExtreme Home Makeover Challenge nor are you its host! The number of times I have endured going to the gym, changed my diet, (well except for peanut butter cuz then you need to step!), lost weight, gained weight, wore clothing I have scorned on other people, driven like TAXI driver looking for fares to various corners of Trinidad and endured your comments on various boring topics, sigh sometimes i think I should get a humanitarian award. Then again, they had to deal with my cynical, bossy, arrogant, selfish controlling ways. Cynical and arrogant I will take and run with. The rest is totally not me. What do you think attracted you to me in the first place? It couldn’t have been me acting all dumb and “beh beh”. Yuh think!
Through it all it has become obvious to me that I have been self sabotaging different prospective relationships for years or plainly just picking the people I know were so absolutely wrong for me just so that I have an excuse why it didn’t work out. (LOL yeah I’m THAT messed up),
Then again, some people misrepresent themselves so much and while you try to look past the smoking, drinking, ill fitting clothing, bad haircuts, skin rashes, split personality, crazy, bat crazy, insane, emotional, psychotic, use of a spoon other than for soup, bad breath, whoring ways, flirtations, lies, turrets- like syndrome, lack of money, lies, excuses ( just to name a few), you just can’t help but call your friend and say: How did I get into this mess again?
In hindsight, I realise something that my grandmother said to me once. She said it the day I came home from school and told her that I had broken up with the girl with the nice hair and the iron teeth (the girl had braces, my grandmother didn’t care what they were called). Mudder,as she was affectionately called, said:
“You mudder ass too happy! You doh understand one backside!”
Sigh..I miss being verbally abused by my grandmother. She always brought perspective in a simple but effective way.
Anyway, she was correct, when she said that I am too happy. I have nothing to complain about or put blame on anyone but myself for the things that happen to me. I absolutely cannot complain about my life on any aspect. God has been so good to me and I am blessed with AMAZING friends (both near and far), CRAZY family (too near for my liking), GOOD job (that allows me to be able to feed my soul on the side) and HEALTH (a lil chubby but I like it) and BEAUTIFUL soul that loves easily.
Then there’s my love life. LOL… some people have all the problems in the world and some people have very little, yet they spend their time complaining about their lack of abs, additions to the house, what car to buy, acne, having to wait in line everywhere etc.
I just can’;t complain. Actually I just have no right to complain. Life is good. Life is sweet.
Then there comes those moments when I am out with friends and I am surrounded by the hundreds of doomed relationships around me and I just smile.
Then I see that one couple that looks like its heaven between them. They are not holding hands or kissing in public. Nope they steal glances at each other, slightly touch their partner without making eye contact. They walk up to each other from different directions and and you see a grin in their faces or you know a joke is just about to be told. They argue and laugh at the same time and make fun of people passing by. Yup….that’s when i stop smiling….cuz they sicken the SHIT outta me for getting it right.
And in those brief moments, this Elton John song creeps in and reminds me that for the old fussy annoying old man that I am, I do know what I want. Hopefully someday I’ll get it.
I WANT LOVE – Elton John
I want love, but it’s impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated
I can’t love, shot full of holes
Don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don’t feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart
But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won’t break me down
Won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in
I want a love, that don’t mean a thing
That’s the love I want, I want love
I want love on my own terms
After everything I’ve ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I’ve seen so much traffic
So bring it on, I’ve been bruised
Don’t give me love that’s clean and smooth
I’m ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I’ve had enough
And that’s my therapy session for the day…..