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Too Much

12 Sep

The following blog contains subject matter that may not be suitable for the  squeamish.

DISCRETION IS ADVISED

In the long run scheme of things, is it too much to ask that I NOT be disturbed while using the toilet facilities? Come on now!

Is it too much?

Listen, I know I have a lot of quirks that may be driving many people away (hopefully) from thinking that I am an ideal mate, but let’s face it, as I get older, these “quirks” are here to stay. I have embraced them and I understand their need, function and importance.   Now it is time you learnt to do the same. Trust me when I say I put up with your “quirks”

NO TALKING IN RESTROOMS/ TOILETS?BATHROOMS

There is absolutely no conversation, point, opinion, detail that needs to be shared while someone is urinating that cannot wait until you both have left the confines of these rooms. Come now! Do I really need to hear about your plans for later or about the email you need to write as soon as you leave here? Nope. Not necessary. AT ALL!

Let’s face it, some of the restrooms we encounter are filthy or have an odor that, while it may clear someone’s sinuses, it is just not fit for actual breathing.  

I recall having to use a restroom at the Baker Street Tube Station inLondon. I can’t remember how long it took but I do remember that I think I must’ve broke some record for holding my breath as I held it from the staircase leading to it, through its use til I got back to the staircase.  I felt a tad dizzy after but there was no way in HELL was going to subject my nose to what lay in that facility.

Restrooms in your workplace may be cleaner, I still believe that there must be NO TALKING in this area unless you are washing your hands.

One time, I entered the work restroom on my floor and found it to be empty. So I  made my way to a urinal and relaxed into getting the job done.  Lo and behold, a colleague from the office across the floor came and decided to use the urinal next to mine and began to have a conversation with me on a resolution I had sent him the day before.  I did not look at him nor did I speak.  I finished my task, made my way to the sink, washed my hands and nodded to him as I left.  I waited for 5 minutes before calling his extension and explaining that I wasn’t trying to insult him but I just don’t believe in talking in bathrooms. He apparently fell to the floor laughing while I explained this important matter.

EGESTION AND ITS LOGISTICAL PROBLEMS

When one has the need for bowel movements and one is not in the hallowed space of your apartment, SERIOUS problems arise.

Where shall I do it? Are there alternative bathrooms? Is the facility properly ventilated? Is there air freshener? How is the toilet paper? Will the seat be hot, cold, wet, stained? Will there be a seat? Is an alligator likely to come through the toilet and bite me?

Sigh…all these questions can drive a person to drink.

Me? Nah not a problem. My body adjusts to its surroundings.

If surroundings are not up to standard or I am at someone’s apartment where there is only ONE bathroom, my body will wait til I get home. (Please note the location of the  second bathroom must be away from nucleus of  activity in the house., otherwise safety mode will be turned on).

If multiple point are available for use, then a location will be sought that is not used frequently by others.

In the office, I hardly EVER use the bathroom located on my floor should there be a need to egest. I will use a bathroom that is hardly ever used on another floor or I will scope out the bathroom on my floor until I am certain it is devoid of humans.

Of course, this doesn’t always work out well as sometimes when you are in the midst of egesting, someone walks in and can possibly hear the noises you make while doing it or breath in the “tootoo” molecules and run screaming out the bathroom.

Look I will be the first to admit that I don’t fart lavender, pot pourri or any such appealing fragrance.  The smell may not be one that reminds people of a rotting corpse but it still isn’t a pleasant one.

There have been too many times that I have entered a bathroom unexpectedly at work and be almost knocked out by smells emanating from the room. In most instances, I am able to exit before the offender as emerged from the bathroom but sometimes you end up locking eyes with them and you just pretend nothing is wrong while trying to hold your breath and look normal.

I am a safe user of public bathrooms. Sharing a space with strangers is always problematic as many seem to lack proper bathroom etiquette or they just seem to go primordial when it is time to use the facilities. In the building where I work, I have found FOUR excellent locations where the bathrooms are not high traffic areas and I feel good about that.

There are times when one of the locations is compromised but I am able to access the others without being detected.

Look. I only make these points because I am tired of having to explain to people that I am not comfortable in interacting with them in these areas.

I remember explaining this to a group of colleagues some years ago and one saw fit to find me in my location at the time and proceeded to tell me that one of the Seniors was looking for me. I did not answer. He repeated the statement about three or four times and I did not answer.

He left the bathroom by saying:

“Ah see yuh foot yuh know”

“ Ah know yuh there. “

“Why can’t you just answer me?”

I still did not respond.

I left the bathroom a minute later ( as my bowels refused to continue because of the interruption).  I entered the Senior officer’s office only to find my co-worker there acting all out of sorts because I refused to respond to him. Meanwhile, I am there, calm and collected and ready to execute whatever duty that I was being called upon to do.

Was I wrong? I still don’t think so.

Look in this day and ages where everyone is in a hurry, I take a bathroom break to gather my thoughts and find peace amongst my momentary filth.  It is the only time I prefer not to be rushed.

Granted I won’t be in there for like half hour or any ridiculous time frame as such, all I ask is a moment or two without conversation. Without harassment. Without the sound of someone elses load going” Gloop” or “Pfffffft doooop” or “gurrurrururururrrrr”

Can’t a man find peace in this midst of the storms around him?

Am I alone here in my quest?

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2011 in Emotions, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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