Confessions of a Closeted Cunumunu

If anyone had told me that I was a cunumunu  in the past I would have outrightly denied such a label and extol the virtues of my high level of sarcasm and inability to commit to even a two year interent plan as examples of me being in control of my life and not putting up with any kind of mess from anyone.

Alas I got a wake up call over the this Carnival Season that despite my  “alleged” coldness towards humans I am a big softy,a teddy bear..a bobolee..or more  precisely  a CUNUMUNU.

How did I arrive at this fact?

The moment of epiphany came on Carnival Monday night when I had just told one of my house guests that I would be going back out for a bit as I had to drop some compressed air and a camera for my friend Nolon. We had just gotten home like ten minutes before from watching Monday Mas activities.

Guest: Ok but while you are out get me something to eat. I’m  hungry.
Me: Ok. There is stuff in house if you are hungry.
Guest: I’m on holiday.
Me: Ok So waht would be eating if you were home now?
Guest: Well i would’ve had a large lunch so some crackers and peanut butter would do for dinner.
Me: Well there is Crix and Peanut Butter in the cupboards.
Guest: Nothank you. I’m on holiday. Bring me back something.
Me: Like what?
Guest: I don’t know. Something nice…

Internally I stared at him as if he was going crazy but i just left the house and dropped the camera for Nolon.  I then found myself in a line at Royal Castle (waiting on chicken to fry) and then it hit me…

WAIT!! Buh you is a big CUNUMUNU?

No I’m not!!

Yes, you are. If you are not one, then come out of the line and go home.

No I can’t do that. That would not be being a good host.

Ok, if we ignore the internal conversation, we understand what is going on with me.

I am a people pleaser of the worst kind.  I always believed in making sure that guests at your house had a good time and that no one walked away with bad experiences. I am one of those people that whether I liked you or not, if you are in some kind of trouble, I will help regardless of your circumstances (once it wasn’t money related or moving out from your boyfriend’s place related. Murder and Hospital visits inclusive)..

I have tried to deny that this part of me exists. I normally put it down to me being a nice person and the belief that all my good deeds will be rewarded sometime.  I believe in Karma and for every waiter I scold or innocent bystander I verbally abuse, I try to do a good deed in other places to balance it off.

However, it appears that people have been clued into my “pushover” trait and know when to tap into it.

While standing in that Royal Castle Line for chicken, I had a lot of time to think and I came up with numerous instances in which I was an idiot for helping people who didn’t deserve it and who for the most part would never reciprocate.

Part of me always understood this and always put it down to the fact that I wasn’t looking for praises or some kind of reward but then the other part of me asked:

“When is it ok for you to be nice and everyone else be selfish?”
“When is it ok for you to be selfish?”
“When do YOU get to be selfish?”
“When do you stop saying “Yes” to everyone?”

The answer to these questions:

“I don’t like confrontation. “

When I point out to people the injustice of what they are doing, I get attitude and the silent treatment. While I seem to forgive transgressions easily and move on, these people hold grudges and and constantly question my friendship with them.”

“Well then you don’t need these people in your life”

“They are not allbad. Some actually are really nice people”

“Jeez you sound like an abused woman! He doh always beat me. We does have fun sometimes!”

“Well what am I to do? I am getting rid of people left, right and centre over the last year. At some point the problem becomes me.”

“Yeah the problem is you!! You think these people care about you? Have any of these people ever invited you out to the movies? Have any of them ever taken you for dinner or are you added to the dinner schedule afterwards? When they call you to hang out, who drives? Don’t they have cars too? How was your birthday? I am sure these people showered you with presents for all your help throughout the year. Oh wait no, some didn’t even send you a greeting on Facebook but called the dayafter for a favour. Sigh.. boy you are a special breed of bamsee yes!!  

My turn arrived to order food and I did so. It was hitting me hard that I had obviously become some shadow of my former self. I had replaced confrontation with silence both at work and in my personal life. I stopped objecting because “Stefan always has an opinion”.  I let other lead when that is my destiny. Why was this happening?

Wait that Royal Castle worker just took fries out of my box to give to another customer!!

“Hey those are my fries!! Can’t you wait for the other fries to finish? Why must you delay me?”
“Wah yuh goin an do bout it?”

Silence…..

AH HA!!!

There is the problem!!!!

What can I do about it? Was i just going to give him a sarcastic response about his station in life and why he will always be serving me? Nope. That move will garner mixed reviews from the already hostile hungry crowd and just alienate me further. Was i going to walk away from my order? Hell No! Is Chicken! I hungry!

What do i do?

Nothing…

I stood there. Powerless as usual.

That is is my problem. I feel powerless to change certain events and situations without letting it consume me. People seem to be getting away with all kinds of stuff, while I seem to be caught in some kind of religious/psychological/mental barrier that prevents me from taking charge and saying:

I WON’T pay a lot for this muffler!!!

Ok that explains it. I feel powerless in my life.

I once wrote a blog on vengeance and the swift consequences that followed as a result of my acts of retribution. Now i do nothing and have become a figure that people laugh about in secret and openly in groups.

Those people, however know they can call and make outrageous requests and take a gamble as to whether or not i will help. Sigh.. and if i can, i do help.

I spoke to a friend days later on this subject and their response:

“You now realise that?”
 “You too nice boy”
“You need to cut the shhhh-tuff out but just make sure you still nice to me!”

So what do I do? How do I revert to a position of power again? How do i begin to empower myself when I didn’t even realise I was turning into this pushover of a man.

A beh beh.

A Good Friday Bobolee?

Where/What is my equalizer?

Anyway, I got home with the food and told my guests that food had arrived.

They ate and no mention was made of reimbursement.

———————————————————————————————-

CUNUMUNU…………………

Noun

Idiot or simpleton; A stupid person

Usage: 

• Countries:
•        
• Tags:  derogatory

Synonyms:

• butu , claffy, eediat, bobolee,  bubu,  clamoon
  mumu,  logga head,  buggah, poppit, lolo

 

Drive

January 25th and February 2 (between 3pm and 4:30pm)of this year, I learnt more within that time frame than I taught humanly possible.

How come?

Those were the two days that I had to pick up my god-daughter Kai from school and drop her home to Chaguanas. Working within thePort of Spain, I am her parents’ back up in case they cannot make it in time to pick her up from school.

They told me about this arrangement like a year ago but who knew the day would actually come. On January 25, I got the call around 1:00pm about the “pick up”.  I was terrified.

I wondered if Kai would actually leave the school with me as she is not a child that goes to everyone she knows easily. She has moods and moments. It take s her a while to warm up to people depending on the mood.

Strange that I wasn’t worried about the teachers or the school but my only god-daughter’s reaction to me. Rejection in any form is not nice.

Anyway, after panicking a bit and picking up a few snacks for her to have on the way home, I arrived safely in front of the daycare and got a nice parking spot.

Her kindergarten is like Fort Knoxand I had to show ID and announce myself to be allowed in.

I walked over to the area where she was and she came to me looking a little sleepy but there was calm. We got her knapsack and lunch kit and walked out to my car. She was quiet.  

“Ah want to go home” was the first sentence uttered while buckling her into the back seat.

“That’s where we are going Kai”

“Ah want to go home”

“Kai, you will be home just now ok?”

“If you are hungry, there are some snacks right next to you ok?”

“OK” she said very quietly.

I drove off and told her that we are going to the supermarket to get her some juice and then we will be heading home. No response.

One minute later:

“Can I have a snack please?”

“Sure Kai. Which one”

She pointed to the Motts Fruit Snack (tastes like gummi bears). I opened up the pack for her and she ate them all in the 2 minutes it took for us to get to Hi-Lo Woodbrook.

We come out of the car and I carry her into Hi-Lo. I pick up another pack of gummi bears, a small bottle of water and a small pack of juice. While cashing for it, the cashier and a lady behind her keep looking back and forth between Kai and myself to see some sort of resemblance…Sigh Trinis…

Anyway, we were back in the car and off we went….right back into Traffic!1 Ugh I detest TRAFFIC!!.  It is one of the reasons that I refuse to move back East. I rather live in the West than have to deal with this bumper to bumper traffic to get out of Port of Spain.

All in well in the car and then I hear, “Oops”

“What happened Kai?”
“I dropped some of the chips”

I looked in the back and ALL of the chips from the Plantain chip snacks were either on the ground or on the seat.  I managed to get some into a plastic bag I had for garbage and promised her to deal with the rest later.

“Untle Stefan, it scratching meh leg. Ah don’t want to sit down here.”

With this crisis, I had to pull out of traffic to the side of the road, take her out of the seat. Clean it and then put her back in. I made her stand on the other side of the back seat while I cleaned everything. She insisted on wanting to sit behind me while I drove. That wasn’t happening.

Time elapsed: 15 minutes from pick up.

By the time we got to the highway, she had spilt juice on herself and I wiped that up with even taking my eye off the road. Now that she had warmed up to me, the talking started and it seemed as if it would never end

 “What is this?”

“I don’t like dat music. Turn it off”

“Ah want some breeze.”

“Untle Stefan ah want to get a juice for mommy”

“What is this shadow?”

“Ah want to put up the shade”

“Can I take off the seat belt” “NO!!”

“Ah want to go home”

“Where we going?”

“Ah want some more juice please.”

This went on for what seemed like an eternity and folks I have to say that I failed to take control. The music was turned off briefly until I realised that I must be going am dot let a child dictate my pace. The windows went down also and the “air Con” was turned off, just to accommodate her. Sigh….the love of a child.

Then it came.

“Untle Stefan I wil sleep when I go home. Ok?”

“Kai, if you want you can sleep now.”

And with that, she was out like a light. My heart was filled with joy as she slept the rest of the way to her house.  Taking her out of the car when we got to her house brought on a weird feeling that I couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried.

Kai Sleeping

 

I want this! I want this headache of taking care of a child. I want to have someone hug you like this unconditionally. I want to be able to mould a young mind into an upstanding member of society. Yes, this is what I want!! The feeling inside was strong. It felt good having this young child hold me and not want to let go.

Honestly, I like the idea of having a child (or two) and being seen around with an infant and people asking those inquisitive questions and women looking on at you with grins on their faces as you take care of a young one…well these things are nice.

Fifteen minutes later, Kai was awake and active again and wanted to play with me. And not just normal sit on lap and play with my iPad type play; no she wanted to run up and down outside.

By the time I got back into my car and finally got home, I was exhausted. The feeling had also left me and I was back to the “so good to be single” mode.  What was I thinking?

Thursday Feb 5^th cam around and I got to do the trip all over again. This time. She did not sleep a wink in the car. She talked non-stop for the ENTIRE ride.

Kai Eating

The warm fuzzy feeling of wanting children, never returned with the same force it did the first time. However, I can’t escape the undeniable pleasure that I get from spending time with Kai and hopefully we will continue to have a good relationship as she grows up.

I do however realise that at the end of the day, the idea of children is a wonderful one. The responsibility for taking care of them…well that scares the black off of my skin.

 

 

God bless parents!!