If anyone had told me that I was a cunumunu in the past I would have outrightly denied such a label and extol the virtues of my high level of sarcasm and inability to commit to even a two year interent plan as examples of me being in control of my life and not putting up with any kind of mess from anyone.
Alas I got a wake up call over the this Carnival Season that despite my “alleged” coldness towards humans I am a big softy,
a teddy bear..a bobolee..or more precisely a CUNUMUNU.
How did I arrive at this fact?
The moment of epiphany came on Carnival Monday night when I had just told one of my house guests that I would be going back out for a bit as I had to drop some compressed air and a camera for my friend Nolon. We had just gotten home like ten minutes before from watching Monday Mas activities.
Guest: Ok but while you are out get me something to eat. I’m hungry.
Me: Ok. There is stuff in house if you are hungry.
Guest: I’m on holiday.
Me: Ok So waht would be eating if you were home now?
Guest: Well i would’ve had a large lunch so some crackers and peanut butter would do for dinner.
Me: Well there is Crix and Peanut Butter in the cupboards.
Guest: Nothank you. I’m on holiday. Bring me back something.
Me: Like what?
Guest: I don’t know. Something nice…
Internally I stared at him as if he was going crazy but i just left the house and dropped the camera for Nolon. I then found myself in a line at Royal Castle (waiting on chicken to fry) and then it hit me…
WAIT!! Buh you is a big CUNUMUNU?
No I’m not!!
Yes, you are. If you are not one, then come out of the line and go home.
No I can’t do that. That would not be being a good host.
Ok, if we ignore the internal conversation, we understand what is going on with me.
I am a people pleaser of the worst kind. I always believed in making sure that guests at your house had a good time and that no one walked away with bad experiences. I am one of those people that whether I liked you or not, if you are in some kind of trouble, I will help regardless of your circumstances (once it wasn’t money related or moving out from your boyfriend’s place related. Murder and Hospital visits inclusive)..
I have tried to deny that this part of me exists. I normally put it down to me being a nice person and the belief that all my good deeds will be rewarded sometime. I believe in Karma and for every waiter I scold or innocent bystander I verbally abuse, I try to do a good deed in other places to balance it off.
However, it appears that people have been clued into my “pushover” trait and know when to tap into it.
While standing in that Royal Castle Line for chicken, I had a lot of time to think and I came up with numerous instances in which I was an idiot for helping people who didn’t deserve it and who for the most part would never reciprocate.
Part of me always understood this and always put it down to the fact that I wasn’t looking for praises or some kind of reward but then the other part of me asked:
“When is it ok for you to be nice and everyone else be selfish?”
“When is it ok for you to be selfish?”
“When do YOU get to be selfish?”
“When do you stop saying “Yes” to everyone?”
The answer to these questions:
“I don’t like confrontation. “
When I point out to people the injustice of what they are doing, I get attitude and the silent treatment. While I seem to forgive transgressions easily and move on, these people hold grudges and and constantly question my friendship with them.”
“Well then you don’t need these people in your life”
“They are not allbad. Some actually are really nice people”
“Jeez you sound like an abused woman! He doh always beat me. We does have fun sometimes!”
“Well what am I to do? I am getting rid of people left, right and centre over the last year. At some point the problem becomes me.”
“Yeah the problem is you!! You think these people care about you? Have any of these people ever invited you out to the movies? Have any of them ever taken you for dinner or are you added to the dinner schedule afterwards? When they call you to hang out, who drives? Don’t they have cars too? How was your birthday? I am sure these people showered you with presents for all your help throughout the year. Oh wait no, some didn’t even send you a greeting on Facebook but called the dayafter for a favour. Sigh.. boy you are a special breed of bamsee yes!!
My turn arrived to order food and I did so. It was hitting me hard that I had obviously become some shadow of my former self. I had replaced confrontation with silence both at work and in my personal life. I stopped objecting because “Stefan always has an opinion”. I let other lead when that is my destiny. Why was this happening?
Wait that Royal Castle worker just took fries out of my box to give to another customer!!
“Hey those are my fries!! Can’t you wait for the other fries to finish? Why must you delay me?”
“Wah yuh goin an do bout it?”
There is the problem!!!!
What can I do about it? Was i just going to give him a sarcastic response about his station in life and why he will always be serving me? Nope. That move will garner mixed reviews from the already hostile hungry crowd and just alienate me further. Was i going to walk away from my order? Hell No! Is Chicken! I hungry!
What do i do?
I stood there. Powerless as usual.
That is is my problem. I feel powerless to change certain events and situations without letting it consume me. People seem to be getting away with all kinds of stuff, while I seem to be caught in some kind of religious/psychological/mental barrier that prevents me from taking charge and saying:
I WON’T pay a lot for this muffler!!!
Ok that explains it. I feel powerless in my life.
I once wrote a blog on vengeance and the swift consequences that followed as a result of my acts of retribution. Now i do nothing and have become a figure that people laugh about in secret and openly in groups.
Those people, however know they can call and make outrageous requests and take a gamble as to whether or not i will help. Sigh.. and if i can, i do help.
I spoke to a friend days later on this subject and their response:
“You now realise that?”
“You too nice boy”
“You need to cut the shhhh-tuff out but just make sure you still nice to me!”
So what do I do? How do I revert to a position of power again? How do i begin to empower myself when I didn’t even realise I was turning into this pushover of a man.
A beh beh.
A Good Friday Bobolee?
Where/What is my equalizer?
Anyway, I got home with the food and told my guests that food had arrived.
They ate and no mention was made of reimbursement.
- Tags: derogatory