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Borderline…..

03 Aug

Ah Foreign Travel. Whether regional or international, it is usually a happy time for me. I get to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilisations and boldly go where almost every Trini has gone before . Still I love it.

What I do not love however is the airplane ride. I don’t like that with different airplanes come different plane smells (some rancid some not) and different flight attendants and different rules.  Aren’t flying rules supposed to be all the same in this post 9-11 world? Why the hell do you see different rules depending on the region you are in?

 

Yes yes there was a semi-slight altercation with a flight attendant on a flight back to Trinidad last night from Curacao but for the most part it was harmless. I was just pissed that she needed to shout at me for reading on my Ipad while she was preparing the plane for take-off. What the hell does one thing have to do with the other?  When she loudly chastised me for having on an electronic item, I turned to her and said “Lady who you shouting at? It can’t be me, because I am not your child.”

 

The lady next to me smiled and the flight attendant mumbled something about announcing something before. I didn’t care. I wasn’t listening. I never listen to those announcements. Why? I travel a lot and it is all the same no matter what language it is in. Plus how the hell does reading affect your take off plans?

 

Now I am a peaceful person. I bother no one. When I get on a flight I go into my zone to try and relax myself for the journey ahead. This will means ipod in ear, book in lap or recently ipad on lap earphones in pocket and then I am ready for the journey.  I always ensure I have stuff to entertain me because to engage in drivel banter with a fellow passenger can be awkward and well sometimes UTTERLY BORING.  So why is it after I get into my zone that a flight attendant disturbs me for some random action but let “Beulah or Tantie Merle” get away with a crocus bag (oops I mean purse) on her lap. No you all decide that the quiet fellah in the window seat who said nothing to you all flight is the one you have to harass because he looks like a potential problem passenger.

 

Me?

 

 Really? *insert Halo here*

 

So this brings me to ask some questions that plague me about travel and I am hoping that between us, we can come up with some answers. 

 

The old reasons/answers of “Because I said so! “ or “It’s a safety concern.” cannot fly in this Internet age where we demand proper answers and accountability from everyone. So bear with me and my rant.

 

To all FLIGHT ATTENDANTS:

 

SLEEP

What is the deal with waking me up before the plane is about to land? If my seat was always in the up-right position, why are you waking me up? I didn’t see you so concerned about waking me up when you were passing with the food cart? As a matter of fact, you told the person next to let me rest. If you are so concerned, why can’t you wake me up when we land?

 

Also, don’t wake me up when you are doing your pre-take off checks. My lap is clear. You can see the belt plus the dribble at the side of my mouth. Leff Meh Alone!!!

 

EARPHONES

I detest chatting with strangers on flights especially when they need to talk about their lives, their children and what surgery they are going to do and how much it costs; so excuse me if I have my earphones on to give the illusion that I am listening to music.

 

Why do you need me to take them off before we take off and before we land? You are already shouting over the PA system, don’t you think the deaf man in aisle 39D heard you? Will I be missing a critical announcement? If it’s a critical announcement, I think camphor balls lady next to me will alert me should the plane be going down.

 

ELECTRONIC DEVICES

I understand the laptops are cumbersome and therefore you need them put away before we land so that in the event of an emergency one can exit the plane comfortably without hindrance.

 

However….

 

What the hell is wrong with my ipod/ipad/tablet/smart phone? Who are they humbugging? How are they cumbersome? Do you really think it still interferes with the plane’s navigational system?

 

Really?

 

In 2012, this interferes with the navigational systems?  Are you aware that there are planes with “wi-fi” onboard?  You don’t mind swiping my card for an onboard purchase of duty free items or alcohol but I can’t use my Ipad to read?

 

STEUPS!!!

 

AIRPLANE SMELLS

What is up with the small planes and funky smells? Have you all never heard of Febreeze? I boarded an InselAir flight on Thursday and the plane smelt like a pee stained mattress. (Not that I have EVER peed my bed but I have had cousins that have and well you know what it is like when auntie tries to put you to sleep in the same room as them and you stand all night because you don’t want to touch the bed).

 

What is up with the smells? LIAT delayed a flight (as is their usual thing) for four hours and when we finally got on board, the bathroom reeked of stale urine and so you held your breath whenever anyone went to the toilet.

 

Can’t you all fix this?

 

DRINK

So let me get this straight, if I don’t want a soft drink, I am forced to take the dollop of juice you provide to me and not ask for seconds? Is it a conspiracy that I must have a carbonated beverage to be happy?

 

And what’s up with serving me boxed wine and pretending it is some special vintage?

 

Oh and sometimes your water tastes more stand pipe like than distilled. Did you get it out of the faucet in the bathroom?

 

FOOD

I have no complaint here except that sometimes the food is unbearably bad but I am not one to complain as I rather this than have the people in the back of me pull out containers of food to eat where nothing is pleasing to my senses.

 

However…..No extra vegetarian meals but sweaty greedy lady with breathing problems in the back could get two chicken meals?   Come on!!!!

 

BABIES

Honestly? You are telling me that in all your training you were not taught how to shut up a crying baby/child? Or was it that you missed that class? There must be a reason you brought those parents on the flight FIRST!. You had a plan to get them settled so that Baby Kwame or Tommy could keep his Pavarotti lungs out of my ear when the flight begins.

 

Really? No Training? Bet that baby gets extra juice from you though?

 

 

————

 

Honestly, there is more stuff I could talk about but you get the picture. 

 

All I want is a peaceful flight. Why not go and pick on someone who is actually giving you trouble? Leave me be.   I am tired of hearing that my safety is in your hands and so obeying whatever you say is my only option. 

 

That is BOVINE EXCRETA!!!

 

I will obey/follow instructions when it makes sense!  I don’t use my phone to call anyone, I don’t press the call button at all and I hardly ever use the bathroom. Why are you disturbing my zone?

I think if the flight or my safety was in jeopardy, I would honestly know with the shrieking passengers and some Trini lady or man shouting “Oh Gad Mamee!!”.

 

In the interim. Ease me up nah.

 

I still haven’t forgiven the CAL  flight attendant who made me use the economy class bathroom when I was in first class. NO amount of rubbing up my hand and feeding me extra meals has made up for the hurt of what you did!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on August 3, 2012 in Emotions, Humor, RANT

 

Tags: , , , , ,

3 responses to “Borderline…..

  1. King Michael Anthony

    August 3, 2012 at 15:36

    everything may not make sense, but if they ask you to shut it off the IPad for a few minutes i don’t see anything wrong with that.

     
    • Stefan

      August 3, 2012 at 16:19

      Why should I? Would they ask me to put down my book?

       
  2. Stacy Hosam

    August 3, 2012 at 16:42

    Stefan I could not have written this any better!!! I concur, I concur, I concur!!!

     

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