’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost lonely souls
As I was sleepily going to let 2012 slip by without a signal notation, WordPress.com reminded me of what I did on their site this year. It wasn’t much but it made me realise that this year I slacked off on a lot of things I used to do and it almost felt as if I lost my passion.
I started off the year racing to Music Festival to try and recover or remember the joy of singing/competing in some way. The only thing I remember about it is that I hate losing and I didn’t enjoy singing a single song. Well I enjoyed singing two out of the three songs but losing at every turn left the melodies with a sour taste in my mouth. Plus it made me cognizant I was singing for the wrong reason. I wanted to be heard but I guess not in a good way. When God wants to teach me a lesson, he crushes my spirit good and proper so that I don’t make the mistake again. Lesson Learnt.
Then came “Little Shop of Horrors” in May 2012. Honestly, I loved my voice in that production and I felt as if I had come home to my craft. From rehearsals to every night on stage (well backstage – being the voice of Audrey 2), I found a joy, an energy, a feeling that for me resonated in my performance. I felt as if I could do this job for a living. I was reinvigorated. While no one may have complemented my performance much on the show, I felt good about it and I love that feeling. I knew I did good work. There are people who may not like me for whatever reason but they cannot deny that I don’t give my all for every performance. Being the voice of Audrey II felt right. We were one! I loved it.
And then that was it for performing. Doldrums. Nothing again. (insert cricket chirping noise here…)
I didn’t mind much this time as I concentrated on work more and all the intensity that brings with it and well this time my boss had no comment in my performance appraisal about him believing that he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there! Hmm the things people say even when I never took a sick day nor a personal or vacation day in 2011 for any performance. 2012 proved to be the same.
Photography also took a short nap after I started off the year with an ambitious project of a photo a day for January on flckr.com. Coming towards the second half of 2012 I could no longer fight off the need to be creative and so with my camera in hand, I took shots of anything and anybody I could find. One day I do hope to have a gallery exhibit with some of the photos that I took (some that still shock me because I wonder how did I get that particular shot).
Yup in looking back, 2012 started off with promise and then slowly dissolved into an experience that I still can’t quite come to terms with. A lot of soul searching and denials continued to occur within me during this time.
I kept being confused at why the prospect of love never finds me. Only to realise it is not in the form that I am looking for. God has blessed me in so many areas of my life, why must I be selfish and think that just because i am not married , have children or in a serious relationship that my life is not complete? How selfish is that thinking?
I questioned friendships, relationships and found that for some people, I think Jesus would agree and fully endorse me not speaking to them ever again. There is no hate but as my soul gets older, its tolerance for irrational people, drama, lies and BS is not as high as it used to be. Every year there are casualties. Some friendships are mourned but with the death of some, comes a sigh of relief, the angels singing on high, a new song. Freedom!!!
As with every year, some people are hurt, some people die and some people got sick and no amount of writing about it can repair/fix the feelings they had or experienced. Especially when one is absent from the process and one just doesn’t know how to get back into it. A Man Apart!
I have become somewhat of a recluse; peeping out into the world on occasion; living through other people’s eyes and not taking chances. I have strangely enough found new friends, reignited friendships lost and still remained “me”.
I say babble on about all of this because I turn 40, (FORTY!!), in 29 days’ time and it is FREAKING SCARY!!! I still can’t come to grips with being that old. When did it happen? I still feel that a part of my life must have been fast forwarded because I can’t recall how this came so soon.
I embrace it.
I worry some more.
There are things still yet to be done. In the scheme of life, I’m way behind on some of the goals and milestones that are set out for normal people. Alas, I am not normal. I never considered myself normal.
I am that curbside prophet still waiting for his rocket to come.
I am a singer still waiting for that big break. That one hit. That album. That tour. That success!
I am an actor waiting for that one movie role, theatre role, award, million dollar pay day. That indie movie with critical acclaim. That Vanity Fair/GQ Spread
I am that chubby boy waiting for the appearance of abs, the low body fat measurement. That hot body with spectacular pecs and a chest that means I never have to refer to them as “tut tuts”
I am that dreamer, who sees so much and wants to do it but feels constrained, feels helpless, but still wants to press on!
I am waiting.
Waiting for life to begin! I have started it a few times but them it seems to lose steam.
Out of everything, I know one thing to be true….
I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…. So I must journey on.
Onward to 2013 and all the blessings and challenges it brings.
I’m ready….Are you?
“And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes.”
Delta Rae -The Morning comes