Is that enough?
I think it’s over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away
So i haven’t written anything in a long while and as usual it is not because there was nothing much to say but (like everything else in my life) i grew tired of doing it.
Yes, my commitment issues always rear their ugly head in weird places and times but it always arises. I don’t know why i can’t stick to a few things and just make it work. It just happens.
Let me list some of the things i gave up on over the past year or more:
1. ONLINE GAMES
Angry Birds Star Wars, Angry Birds Rio, Candy Crush, Farmville, Hidden Chronicles, Ruzzle and a host of other games. – I think what did me in with those games is the fact that I kept losing to other people (sore loser here) and you can only go so far without having to spend money or depend on other players for your advancement. (Did I mention i also have trust issues, so the whole sending game requests thing is not something i was willing to entertain?. It reeked of dependency and i can only stomach doing it for short time periods.
2. This BLOG
I absolutely love writing and it helps to clear my mind from the myriad of thoughts, observations, opinions, rants etc that keep invading my mind on a daily basis. There was a time when i would stop what i was doing at work to write some random thought in my head before i would forget it.,I remember once pulling aside my car while on the highway so that i could jot down a thought that came to me. They all seemed brilliant at the time but in retrospect, most of the ideas were crap and I felt so embarrassed to look back at them later on. The thought “What was i thinking?” always popped into my head. Answer: I wasn’t.
There have also been the 10 or 12 blogs that i actually wrote and then thought that I was getting too personal or that no one would want to read that diatribe. Yup self-doubt kicked in and so i gave it a rest.
For as long as I have been an actual working adult, I have had an issue with my weight. Somehow graduating from University and getting a real job meant that I ate my weight in KFC and roti without regard for my health or well being. I was never super skinny but the second tri-mester stomach i have sported for almost two decades is not something i am proud of but i have grown accustomed to it. I am happy to say that the double chin is gone and that I no longer wease (I think).
In 2012, I took the plunge and got a personal trainer in an attempt to get my weight under control. After a couple false starts with some less than desirable trainers, i found one that ignored my complaints and whipped me into shape. I actually ran a 5K and saw my clothing starting to fit me differently.
What I lacked was a proper diet and so the body shape never deviated much. So while i am fitter, my body still looks the same. Two carnivals later, i have seen changes in my friends’ bodies but none in mine. Yes i take responsibility for that but i’m tired. I am just thinking i am just too old to have a fit body. It requires way too much work.
It also doesn’t help that my younger brother looks like an extra from 300-The Movie or an extra from Magic Mike. BIG WET STEUPS!!!!…
and then there’s me
I am beginning to think that 2012 did something to my psyche
In 2012, I entered the T&T Music Festival as a means of getting my voice back into gear but it left me very despondent, and due to the fact that i am a real sore loser, I left the experience feeling crippled, useless and totally depressed. I retreated internally as i felt that what the Music Festival did was reinforce the fact that my voice isnt that special and that the talent i think i have is just a thing in my head.
My acting has been lukewarm at best and Soft core porn bad at its worst. I still love doing it but it doesnt love me.
Performing and performers are such fickle needy creatures that one bad review or comment can send a season actor into a tailspin in which they question life itself. I’m so not a seasoned actor/singer so i am totally fragile.
I need the applause to fuel me. Silence kills me inside.
Don’t laugh, but just as Tinkerbell needs children to believe in her to she can survive, I too need the feedback. It doesn’t all have to be positive, but feedback helps. Silence kills me and lets me know that i need to go under a rock.
I wanted to do an intimate night of music with me as the main artiste back in 2013 ( for my 40th Year) but i gave up on that. Two attempts to tag along and sing in someone else’s concert never materialised, so onto the back burner went the singing.
2014 has seen some measure of resurgence in my love of music and i’ve started actually playing more CDs and listening to my ipod even more but it is nowhere to the level i was at in pre-2012.
I have like 6 lists of songs that i would like to sing but i’ve never tested any of them out to see if they are appropriate to be sung in my voice and not sound karaoke-esque or just plain bad.
5. LOVE & MARRIAGE
To be really honest, i think i gave up on this one a long time ago and i still think it is a futile quest in my case.
It’s not that I haven’t seen the face of love or its poster child on numerous occasions, I have reconciled ( hmm the official word for this post) internally that a certain type of love is just not for me. God has blessed me in so many areas of my life and allowed me to have the most amazing experiences that growing up i never could fathom, that i think it would be rather boldface to be ungrateful that one aspect of my life hasn’t worked out. So what if I haven’t found love? So what if I haven’t found the ying to my yang or the cornmeal for my coo coo or the anchar for my beef roti? These things happen.
Psychologists and “Know-It-Alls” would say it has to do with being the product of divorced parents and the trauma that has caused me and my concept of love I say “bovine excreta”. I have hundreds of cases with other family members and lots of my friends where their parents are still together but for some weird reason, they haven’t found love either. In addition to this, both of my parents found love after their divorce and are happy..
Its kind of sad that even in the 21st century, not being in relationship/married/in common law/ shacked up etc at my age, one can be called “a freak” ( well only to those with 3 and 4 children who see me as being unworthy to hang in their circles but that is their issue, not mine.). It doesn’t mean I’m going to die alone. Err well it kinda does…hmmm… oh well. I’m cool with it..
When i look back at the people I thought I felt i was destined to be with (they number only 3), I realise how much I was “in love” and how much they were “just cool”. If they weren’t trying to be controlling or dropping subtle hints as to their dissatisfaction with some aspect of my life, i came to terms with the one common theme they all possessed. I was something they needed to fix. The love was never reciprocated. It was merely convenience and acceptance that Stefan would always be there for them but that needed tweaking in too many areas and that they weren’t willing to invest long term in the correction of same.
Strange thing though: sometimes I wonder if i was a ranked bastard in a previous life and then I realise that.. nope…I’m a good person who just makes bad choices in people…
When I look at someone and I see imperfections but what i see is potential. The potential to be a better person, the potential to love, the potential to make me happy; the potential of a fat joint income that affords me a killer house (just kidding). But i’ve stopped seeing it.
At my age, like the boy in the Sixth Sense,I also see dead people (well those that are dead inside).
I also see :
- Crazy people (I actually have a sixth sense about detecting the level of crazy in others).
- the hopeless romantics,
- the “in love with love” but not with reality
- The Florence Nightingales
- The Gold Diggers
- The Fake intellectuals
- The “I found Jesus so he could help me find a good husband”
- The “I don’t need anyone but can we cuddle?”
- The “ Let’s just be Bedroom Buddies but I know you will fall for me so it will all work out”
and many more….
I have given up.
I haven’t been looking for anyone since True Blood Season 2 ended.
So after writing down the list above, I begin to see that I am back to just existing in a vacuum. That is not a good feeling. The last time I felt like this , I was turning 30 and working mad hours at Citibank. Somehow I don’t think Disney/Hollywood is going to come calling for me at this age or that something new and exciting is around the corner that propels my mood into a different direction.
I’m older, crankier and less pudgier but still content.
This may be the start of another mid-life crisis for me, but i am so risk averse that i dont think i can actually stomach spending excessive amounts of money on anything that i will later regret (I get buyer’s remorse from buying a pair of sneakers).
So hear me now
I’ve enough of these chains
I know they’re of my making
No one else to blame for where I stand today
I’ve no memory of truth
But suddenly the audience is so cruel
So God, hey God you know why I’m through