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Monthly Archives: September 2015

Thinking of You (I drive Myself Crazy)


I was accosted in public about a week ago by a young lady who had a problem with my blogs and the fact that I seem to paint a picture that all women are deranged and that I am just a hopeless soul, who gets tangled up in their “web of crazy”.

I immediately corrected her and let her know that in each instance of crazy that I had the opportunity to stop the progression of events, but my desire to have fun in my life seems to override this default setting.

“Then maybe you should write about YOUR instances of craziness towards women!”

I said I’d think about.

HOW DARE SHE!

How dare she assume I have crazy moments? How dare she ask to me paint a less than stellar picture of myself into cyberspace for everyone to judge?

Then I remembered: “Oh yeah I don’t care what most people think of me”

There was a time when people’s opinions mattered and I always found myself in some kind of quandary. I was always trying to figure out how I am going to please these people or how I was going to make their opinions of me correct. But like a fart, that desire passed and boy was it a stinker coming out! Anyway, that for another therapy session blog!…

So I thought about my moments of non-clarity. My moments when I either took a leap and fell on my ass or when I had leave of my senses and just went with my flow.

Here are two stories for your amusement::

DRIVE BY – A LOVE STORY

Picture this! St Augustine, 1999! I am “dating” this girl for a few months but we have not made it official. Well in my mind its official as I was spending enough time calling, texting and hanging out to consider this “serious”. In hindsight, I may have jumped the gun.

Anyway, there came a point in time when all of sudden she wasn’t returning my calls as frequently as before and she made a habit of cancelling our outings at the last minute. I sought counsel from friends. A “female” friend, she suggested that I sit and have a talk with her and sort stuff out, while a male friend suggested that I play Private Investigator and get to the bottom of the matter. Can you guess which advice I used?

So I had made plans for us to double date with another couple to go see a play at the Central Bank auditorium. And while all week she was “gung ho” with the idea, three hours before the date , she calls and cancels and says that she isn’t feeling well.

Guess what I did?

  • I left her alone for the night so she could rest
  • I got medication for her and dropped it off
  • I went to the play without her
  • I did something irrational

If your answer was A,B or C, then I suggest you stop reading. If your answer was D, then read on.

I borrowed a friend’s car and parked at the top of her street around 6pm. Her car was parked outside so I knew that she had intentions of going back out. I just wanted to know where and with whom.

At 7:12pm, a green Nissan Sentra pulled up and a guy honked his horn and 3-5 minutes later, she emerged and got into the car and they drove off.

I drove behind them straight to Arima where they parked and started to walk to Windsor Cinema holding hands.(Who goes to Cinema in Arima?”

“My first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo.

Whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you…..

So instead, I chilled. That’s right I chilled”

When they were on the same side with the Cinema, I drove up and honked my horn and called out to her. She turned around, saw me and strangely enough he looked stunned but not her..

“Hey, I’m glad I saw you! I won’t be able to make the lime tomorrow. So just let everybody know ok?

“Yeah. Uh huh” she replied in a quivering voice.

“Cool! Laters!”

And I drove off. (to around the corner).

As soon I was sure that they were safely inside, I punctured one of his tyres and went to get back my car.

I spent the night shaking. Not in fear but from the rush of everything that I did.

No one called me about the car tyre and she and I never spoke after that. Well I never responded to her calls.

So this is my confession of cowardice!!

Work in Progress

Work in Progress

STALKING-

Facebook and Instagram has made it extremely easy to stalk people from afar without fear of being detected. The only thing you need to be cognizant of:

If you ever meet them in real life: PRETEND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

NOTHING!

So what if you are on their page constantly and now know their siblings and parents’ names or the name of their best friend… KEEP IT TOO YOURSELF.

I have a two people in my life that I secretly refer to as “The Registry”. Reason being: all I have to do is given them a name, school attended or a picture and I can get a brief history of the person. The age of the internet has seriously diminished their usefulness but like a Public library, I think they have found creative ways to still be relevant in these times.

Anyway, back to story.

HI5 was all the rage and there she was…sly smile, discreet photos with family members and friends. There was nothing flamboyant or untoward about her. She just looked beautiful. She looked like someone who could get my Bank PIN.

I sent a friend request and it was ignored. Of course it would be, she did not know me from Adam, but I had a plan. An ill-conceived plan but a plan no less

“The Registry” came up with where she worked and it happened to be in “Town” and not too far from my office. Good Start.

So one day I found myself leaving my desk and taking a walk in her office’s direction. I ended up inside but could not get beyond the Receptionist. No problem. Minor set back. I called her desk from my phone and realised she was on lunch. So I sat on the Promenade and waited til she would pass back.

While sitting there and looking around at everyone passing by, then it suddenly hit me:

WHAT DE ASS YUH DOING?

Nothing… I’m just taking a breather!

GO BACK TO WORK IDIOT! YUH KNOW THIS IS STALKING RIGHT??

No it isn’t. I’m just waiting to catch a glance of someone I like.

WHOM YOU DON’T KNOW!

Yeah but it’s not like if I’m gonna walk up to her now or anything.

NO SERIOUSLY! GO BACK TO WORK!

In a minute. I just wanna see her in person…..

WOULD JESUS APPROVE OF THIS?

And with that realization, I got up and walked back to work. I looked around slowly to see if I would see her but no such luck.

Two years later, I’m at a friend’s wedding and there she is sitting a couple tables away , with no visible signs of having a date. I avoid eye contact for most of the night.

Heading to the bar a little later, we bounce up there. (I was at the bar first eh)

I turn to her:

Hi

(she nods)

(I go silent again)

Umm where do I know your face from?

Umm I sent you a friend request on Hi5 like two years ago but you ignored it.

No I don’t think that’s it! (confused look on her face).

(I laugh nervously and loudly then I stand there in silence wishing for an epileptic seizure to save me from putting my foot in my mouth)

Oh I remember, you are on that show on Gayelle!….

Oh yeah ( dies a little inside) Kinda.

The bald head guy is really sexy! I would love to meet him.

Oh ok.. well you all might bounce up since you go hiking a lot.(and then I change the foot in my mouth)

How do you know that?

Sorry someone is calling me. I’ll be right back.

Hear nah! I left that wedding faster than a vagrant with a valid BBQ ticket or Usain in an Olympic 100 metre dash. I just prayed that she spoke to no one at the wedding about our conversation.

—-

There are many more stories, some worse, but most are mild. In the course of my life, I have gone through some serious learning periods. All in all, I just wanted to show that we all have our crazy moments. Most of us learn from them and grow, some just wallow in it for eternity.

I pride myself on learning from my mistakes.

“I’m a little more careful

Perhaps it shows.

But if I lose the high,

at least I’m spared the lows..”

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Oops!….I Did It Again


I think sufficient time has passed since this incident occurred that I feel comfortable enough that I can now speak about it.  It is hard at my age to be shocked or go through some measure of unexpected trauma, but believe me it can happen.  I am not immune to the ills of this world. I suffer like everyone else, but my approach is to deal with it internally.

If I see that an issue continues to plague my psyche, then I will write it out as that is an effective way of healing my soul.  Then you have those incidents that after writing it out, you feel a need to publish so that other victims of this crime can know that they are not alone.

I don’t mean to be cryptic but I just wanted to let you know…….I’ll be okay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here’s my story:

I have told friends time and time again that they are NOT to try and “set me up” with anyone; on any kind of date or potential match making exercise.  There are too many people that parade around as excellent match makers when their lives are in a big mess.  Their relationships sometimes are reminiscent of “Ike & Tina” but for all intents and purposes, they know who is good for me. Why?

I have been on this planet long enough to know when someone is right for me or when the whole idea of a date is a bad idea.

On many occasions I have stated that I’ve been blessed with two superpowers:

  • The ability to slow down to a crawl, any line/queue I join and,
  • The ability to sense mad/crazy people out of any crowd.

I am laughed at for my claims of these two powers but I’ve never been wrong.

I remember once attending a concert at Queens Hall, where Carol Addison was the headliner with a huge cast of supporting acts. I was bored for most of it and then I sensed a disturbance in the Hall. The Master of Ceremonies came on and announced that some gifted young female performer was coming on to sing and that the audience was going to be moved.

Then she appeared….Dressed all in black with long gloves and slowly sauntering onto the stage. At that point I turned to my friend Giselle and said, “Oh boy, this one looks like she got a night pass from St. Anns (reference to the mental hospital less than a mile away from Queens Hall). Giselle scolds me for my assessment; then the young lady began to speak

Lady in Black:

A Pleasant Good Evening everyone. My name… (You must think I’m crazy to even call her name here!) and I am here to bless you in song. In all my years as a songwriter, I’ve been inspired by lots of things but nothing has moved me to write beautiful melodies more than the area where I grew up.  

Toco!.

  And so tonight I am going to bless you with a song I wrote about my beloved village of Toco and it’s called……

Toco.

I turned to Giselle at this point but she was purposely not returning my stare.  The music started and she began to sing… Sing? Umm, well… that’s an exaggeration. Strange music followed by strange noises flowing through this individual who seems to think she was channeling a cat in heat or the Seagull from the Little Mermaid. If this was what Toco represented to her in song, then I think it should be declared a national disaster area!

She ended with a slow coooo and outstretched both hands and tilted her head back like Whitney Houston.

whitney outstretched

Then she walked off.

No thank you! No bow! Nothing!

She just left the stage…

It was then I knew my powers were strong.

Anyway, as usual I digress…….. Back to the story.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was set up on a date.

It was not my first set up but it represented one of the last ones i ever allowed. I did not want to go on this date, but my alleged “friend” suggested that I “Man Up” and stop being such a crotchety old man and embrace destiny.

Normally I would politely decline or give one or two excuses:

  • Umm I think I’m washing my hair that day”
  • “Psalm 1 – Jesus doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked

But as usual my alleged friend insisted that I go out with this mature 25 year old mother of one on a date. Nothing fancy just a movie as she is getting over a bad break up and just needs a gentleman like me to treat her nice.

I have no problem with being nice but she insisted it be a date and that I call this young person and chat as “she had a good feeling about this”. I had a feeling too, but at the time it was just disgust at the fact that people involved in relationships seem to think all single people need to be in relationships as apparently our lived aren’t fulfilled enough.

Anyway, after much protest, I called the young lady and we spoke on the phone twice and messaged each other over the course of a couple days and well she seemed to be cool. I was just being my usual funny self and cracking jokes and making observations so that she felt at ease with me.

Eventually we decided to meet up by going to see a movie. She chose the movie and we met up the following day at Movietowne for this “date”.

Cut to this Tuesday afternoon and I’m heading towards the cinema entrance and I feel a tad odd. I ignore the feeling and meet up with her. She smiles. I smile. I shake her hand  and say

Do I make the grade or do you want to phone a friend and get out of this”:

She laughs heartily :  “Nah I’m good

It was at the point of the laugh that I realized that the disturbance in the force was coming from her. While the laugh wasn’t creepy, it felt a tad overdone and lasted way too long, but I just put it down to me being paranoid as usual.

We settled ourselves into the theater, Screen 10, to be precise with only 10 other patrons for the viewing of this “Disaster” movie. All seemed to going well. We ate the snacks we purchased and made a few comments during the trailers and then we settled down for the beginning of the movie.

Then it began…..

All of a sudden she started to sigh a lot. Not really sigh but breathe heavily. I ignored it at first but I slowly started to feel her heart beating through the arm rest we were sharing.

I turned to her and asked if everything was alright and she replied: “Yes”

Then it happened…she slid her hand on my lap and started to squeeze my thigh.

I did not flinch but I looked at her when she did it and she just smiled. Being the gentleman that I am, I took her hand from my thigh and placed it in my hand and held it there for a bit. She started to play with my hand.

Then her hand got loose and it forgot about my thigh and headed straight to my groin area and she squeezed. Alas she did not squeeze what she thought she squeezed so I cringed in pain and laughed and told her to go easy on me.

She gave the laugh again.

She then grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest as she may have assumed I was a cardiologist. I felt that her heart was racing and I inquired why it was beating so fast.

Girl: I’ve never been out with someone as handsome as you are before.

Me: We will take you to Optometrist Today tomorrow to have those eyes checked cuz I think you going blind

Girl laughs out loud while on the movie screen a family has just been crushed by a falling debris.

I grabbed her hand once more and with that one she seemed to settle down as she placed her head on my shoulder.

This lasted for like ten minutes then she adjusted her head and started staring at me directly. I was met with a kiss on my lips when I turned my head in her direction. Then my face was grabbed by two tiny hands and we began to kiss. She is a really good kisser except for the parts where she started to lick my nose.

I told her let’s behave ourselves before we are kicked out of movie.

Girl: Nah dem does only fuss when bullermen kissing in here.

MeYou’ve seen this happen?

Girl: Yeah man. But it’s natural for couples like us to kiss in movies

Me: Couples like us you say?. Hahahahahaha (nervously)

To cut a long story short, I was fondled, groped up and my ear and earlobes licked profusely until I think I lost hearing at one point.  All this time I’m trying to be a gentleman, given the age difference and the fact that my days for making out in cinema ended when Robinson was Prime Minister. Besides all this, I have a little class. I’m not “stoosh/stush”, I just know how to conduct myself as an adult in a PUBLIC AREA. I did kiss back and hug her up etc but I just wasn’t into all the “feel up” session in the cinema.

In the end, I asked her to tone down on the groping and that we just watch the movie. This apparently upset her greatly as she halted all bodily contact at this point.

We sat in silence and watched to the end of the movie.

I asked if she wanted to go for a drink after. She just shook her head and continued walking towards her car.  I tried to make other small talk but she was not having it. Her face was upset and she was giving me tone when she spoke.

I honestly couldn’t be bothered.

I called the matchmaker IMMEDIATELY after my date drove off and asked her to concentrate on Peace in Middle East and leave my lack of a love life out of her future missions. When I started to get into the details, she got another call from “her” friend and well from all reports…I was an asshole.

Following this incident, I called a long time friend whom I had taken to cinema when I was 14 and whom I think I had assaulted in this manner way back then. When I explained to her that I was calling to apologise for our movie outing to go see Total Recall and my apparent “friskiness” back then, she let out one loud scream followed by a serious fit of laughter.

I explained to her what had just taken place and how I never knew what it felt like to be groped up like that and that I just wanted to apologise profusely. She said there was no need to and that Karma took a while but she was happy for the apology and for the good laugh.  Truth be told, at the age of 14 she didn’t mind my advances and that I didn’t assault her anywhere near to what I just described to her. She said she remembers me just holding her hand a lot and kissing it.

EPILOGUE

Both Matchmaker and the 25 Year old mother no longer speak to me and one has deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on all of her Social media platforms (the matchmaker).

I still don’t know what I did wrong and actually I am not sorry for anything that I did. There is a time and place for everything and I had begged her not to try and meddle with my life.

I had expressed to her my strong objection to going on a date with 25 year old but she insisted that the girl was very mature and grounded for her age. Plus I was chastised for being an ageist and for not understanding that people are talking about me and my lack of relationships.  When I told her that I didn’t care about those things, she just said that I should learn to give people a chance and let love into my life. (I swear Tyler Perry has destroyed the psyche of most black people with his movies)

Anyway, that’s my tale.

I am a survivor and I hope my story allows others to come forward and deal with the pain of rejection and assault that they have experienced while out with strangers.

Let’s be careful out there people!

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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