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Author Archives: Stefan

About Stefan

Curbside Prophet Waiting For My Rocket To Come.

Thinking of You (I drive Myself Crazy)


I was accosted in public about a week ago by a young lady who had a problem with my blogs and the fact that I seem to paint a picture that all women are deranged and that I am just a hopeless soul, who gets tangled up in their “web of crazy”.

I immediately corrected her and let her know that in each instance of crazy that I had the opportunity to stop the progression of events, but my desire to have fun in my life seems to override this default setting.

“Then maybe you should write about YOUR instances of craziness towards women!”

I said I’d think about.

HOW DARE SHE!

How dare she assume I have crazy moments? How dare she ask to me paint a less than stellar picture of myself into cyberspace for everyone to judge?

Then I remembered: “Oh yeah I don’t care what most people think of me”

There was a time when people’s opinions mattered and I always found myself in some kind of quandary. I was always trying to figure out how I am going to please these people or how I was going to make their opinions of me correct. But like a fart, that desire passed and boy was it a stinker coming out! Anyway, that for another therapy session blog!…

So I thought about my moments of non-clarity. My moments when I either took a leap and fell on my ass or when I had leave of my senses and just went with my flow.

Here are two stories for your amusement::

DRIVE BY – A LOVE STORY

Picture this! St Augustine, 1999! I am “dating” this girl for a few months but we have not made it official. Well in my mind its official as I was spending enough time calling, texting and hanging out to consider this “serious”. In hindsight, I may have jumped the gun.

Anyway, there came a point in time when all of sudden she wasn’t returning my calls as frequently as before and she made a habit of cancelling our outings at the last minute. I sought counsel from friends. A “female” friend, she suggested that I sit and have a talk with her and sort stuff out, while a male friend suggested that I play Private Investigator and get to the bottom of the matter. Can you guess which advice I used?

So I had made plans for us to double date with another couple to go see a play at the Central Bank auditorium. And while all week she was “gung ho” with the idea, three hours before the date , she calls and cancels and says that she isn’t feeling well.

Guess what I did?

  • I left her alone for the night so she could rest
  • I got medication for her and dropped it off
  • I went to the play without her
  • I did something irrational

If your answer was A,B or C, then I suggest you stop reading. If your answer was D, then read on.

I borrowed a friend’s car and parked at the top of her street around 6pm. Her car was parked outside so I knew that she had intentions of going back out. I just wanted to know where and with whom.

At 7:12pm, a green Nissan Sentra pulled up and a guy honked his horn and 3-5 minutes later, she emerged and got into the car and they drove off.

I drove behind them straight to Arima where they parked and started to walk to Windsor Cinema holding hands.(Who goes to Cinema in Arima?”

“My first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo.

Whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you…..

So instead, I chilled. That’s right I chilled”

When they were on the same side with the Cinema, I drove up and honked my horn and called out to her. She turned around, saw me and strangely enough he looked stunned but not her..

“Hey, I’m glad I saw you! I won’t be able to make the lime tomorrow. So just let everybody know ok?

“Yeah. Uh huh” she replied in a quivering voice.

“Cool! Laters!”

And I drove off. (to around the corner).

As soon I was sure that they were safely inside, I punctured one of his tyres and went to get back my car.

I spent the night shaking. Not in fear but from the rush of everything that I did.

No one called me about the car tyre and she and I never spoke after that. Well I never responded to her calls.

So this is my confession of cowardice!!

Work in Progress

Work in Progress

STALKING-

Facebook and Instagram has made it extremely easy to stalk people from afar without fear of being detected. The only thing you need to be cognizant of:

If you ever meet them in real life: PRETEND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

NOTHING!

So what if you are on their page constantly and now know their siblings and parents’ names or the name of their best friend… KEEP IT TOO YOURSELF.

I have a two people in my life that I secretly refer to as “The Registry”. Reason being: all I have to do is given them a name, school attended or a picture and I can get a brief history of the person. The age of the internet has seriously diminished their usefulness but like a Public library, I think they have found creative ways to still be relevant in these times.

Anyway, back to story.

HI5 was all the rage and there she was…sly smile, discreet photos with family members and friends. There was nothing flamboyant or untoward about her. She just looked beautiful. She looked like someone who could get my Bank PIN.

I sent a friend request and it was ignored. Of course it would be, she did not know me from Adam, but I had a plan. An ill-conceived plan but a plan no less

“The Registry” came up with where she worked and it happened to be in “Town” and not too far from my office. Good Start.

So one day I found myself leaving my desk and taking a walk in her office’s direction. I ended up inside but could not get beyond the Receptionist. No problem. Minor set back. I called her desk from my phone and realised she was on lunch. So I sat on the Promenade and waited til she would pass back.

While sitting there and looking around at everyone passing by, then it suddenly hit me:

WHAT DE ASS YUH DOING?

Nothing… I’m just taking a breather!

GO BACK TO WORK IDIOT! YUH KNOW THIS IS STALKING RIGHT??

No it isn’t. I’m just waiting to catch a glance of someone I like.

WHOM YOU DON’T KNOW!

Yeah but it’s not like if I’m gonna walk up to her now or anything.

NO SERIOUSLY! GO BACK TO WORK!

In a minute. I just wanna see her in person…..

WOULD JESUS APPROVE OF THIS?

And with that realization, I got up and walked back to work. I looked around slowly to see if I would see her but no such luck.

Two years later, I’m at a friend’s wedding and there she is sitting a couple tables away , with no visible signs of having a date. I avoid eye contact for most of the night.

Heading to the bar a little later, we bounce up there. (I was at the bar first eh)

I turn to her:

Hi

(she nods)

(I go silent again)

Umm where do I know your face from?

Umm I sent you a friend request on Hi5 like two years ago but you ignored it.

No I don’t think that’s it! (confused look on her face).

(I laugh nervously and loudly then I stand there in silence wishing for an epileptic seizure to save me from putting my foot in my mouth)

Oh I remember, you are on that show on Gayelle!….

Oh yeah ( dies a little inside) Kinda.

The bald head guy is really sexy! I would love to meet him.

Oh ok.. well you all might bounce up since you go hiking a lot.(and then I change the foot in my mouth)

How do you know that?

Sorry someone is calling me. I’ll be right back.

Hear nah! I left that wedding faster than a vagrant with a valid BBQ ticket or Usain in an Olympic 100 metre dash. I just prayed that she spoke to no one at the wedding about our conversation.

—-

There are many more stories, some worse, but most are mild. In the course of my life, I have gone through some serious learning periods. All in all, I just wanted to show that we all have our crazy moments. Most of us learn from them and grow, some just wallow in it for eternity.

I pride myself on learning from my mistakes.

“I’m a little more careful

Perhaps it shows.

But if I lose the high,

at least I’m spared the lows..”

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Oops!….I Did It Again


I think sufficient time has passed since this incident occurred that I feel comfortable enough that I can now speak about it.  It is hard at my age to be shocked or go through some measure of unexpected trauma, but believe me it can happen.  I am not immune to the ills of this world. I suffer like everyone else, but my approach is to deal with it internally.

If I see that an issue continues to plague my psyche, then I will write it out as that is an effective way of healing my soul.  Then you have those incidents that after writing it out, you feel a need to publish so that other victims of this crime can know that they are not alone.

I don’t mean to be cryptic but I just wanted to let you know…….I’ll be okay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here’s my story:

I have told friends time and time again that they are NOT to try and “set me up” with anyone; on any kind of date or potential match making exercise.  There are too many people that parade around as excellent match makers when their lives are in a big mess.  Their relationships sometimes are reminiscent of “Ike & Tina” but for all intents and purposes, they know who is good for me. Why?

I have been on this planet long enough to know when someone is right for me or when the whole idea of a date is a bad idea.

On many occasions I have stated that I’ve been blessed with two superpowers:

  • The ability to slow down to a crawl, any line/queue I join and,
  • The ability to sense mad/crazy people out of any crowd.

I am laughed at for my claims of these two powers but I’ve never been wrong.

I remember once attending a concert at Queens Hall, where Carol Addison was the headliner with a huge cast of supporting acts. I was bored for most of it and then I sensed a disturbance in the Hall. The Master of Ceremonies came on and announced that some gifted young female performer was coming on to sing and that the audience was going to be moved.

Then she appeared….Dressed all in black with long gloves and slowly sauntering onto the stage. At that point I turned to my friend Giselle and said, “Oh boy, this one looks like she got a night pass from St. Anns (reference to the mental hospital less than a mile away from Queens Hall). Giselle scolds me for my assessment; then the young lady began to speak

Lady in Black:

A Pleasant Good Evening everyone. My name… (You must think I’m crazy to even call her name here!) and I am here to bless you in song. In all my years as a songwriter, I’ve been inspired by lots of things but nothing has moved me to write beautiful melodies more than the area where I grew up.  

Toco!.

  And so tonight I am going to bless you with a song I wrote about my beloved village of Toco and it’s called……

Toco.

I turned to Giselle at this point but she was purposely not returning my stare.  The music started and she began to sing… Sing? Umm, well… that’s an exaggeration. Strange music followed by strange noises flowing through this individual who seems to think she was channeling a cat in heat or the Seagull from the Little Mermaid. If this was what Toco represented to her in song, then I think it should be declared a national disaster area!

She ended with a slow coooo and outstretched both hands and tilted her head back like Whitney Houston.

whitney outstretched

Then she walked off.

No thank you! No bow! Nothing!

She just left the stage…

It was then I knew my powers were strong.

Anyway, as usual I digress…….. Back to the story.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was set up on a date.

It was not my first set up but it represented one of the last ones i ever allowed. I did not want to go on this date, but my alleged “friend” suggested that I “Man Up” and stop being such a crotchety old man and embrace destiny.

Normally I would politely decline or give one or two excuses:

  • Umm I think I’m washing my hair that day”
  • “Psalm 1 – Jesus doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked

But as usual my alleged friend insisted that I go out with this mature 25 year old mother of one on a date. Nothing fancy just a movie as she is getting over a bad break up and just needs a gentleman like me to treat her nice.

I have no problem with being nice but she insisted it be a date and that I call this young person and chat as “she had a good feeling about this”. I had a feeling too, but at the time it was just disgust at the fact that people involved in relationships seem to think all single people need to be in relationships as apparently our lived aren’t fulfilled enough.

Anyway, after much protest, I called the young lady and we spoke on the phone twice and messaged each other over the course of a couple days and well she seemed to be cool. I was just being my usual funny self and cracking jokes and making observations so that she felt at ease with me.

Eventually we decided to meet up by going to see a movie. She chose the movie and we met up the following day at Movietowne for this “date”.

Cut to this Tuesday afternoon and I’m heading towards the cinema entrance and I feel a tad odd. I ignore the feeling and meet up with her. She smiles. I smile. I shake her hand  and say

Do I make the grade or do you want to phone a friend and get out of this”:

She laughs heartily :  “Nah I’m good

It was at the point of the laugh that I realized that the disturbance in the force was coming from her. While the laugh wasn’t creepy, it felt a tad overdone and lasted way too long, but I just put it down to me being paranoid as usual.

We settled ourselves into the theater, Screen 10, to be precise with only 10 other patrons for the viewing of this “Disaster” movie. All seemed to going well. We ate the snacks we purchased and made a few comments during the trailers and then we settled down for the beginning of the movie.

Then it began…..

All of a sudden she started to sigh a lot. Not really sigh but breathe heavily. I ignored it at first but I slowly started to feel her heart beating through the arm rest we were sharing.

I turned to her and asked if everything was alright and she replied: “Yes”

Then it happened…she slid her hand on my lap and started to squeeze my thigh.

I did not flinch but I looked at her when she did it and she just smiled. Being the gentleman that I am, I took her hand from my thigh and placed it in my hand and held it there for a bit. She started to play with my hand.

Then her hand got loose and it forgot about my thigh and headed straight to my groin area and she squeezed. Alas she did not squeeze what she thought she squeezed so I cringed in pain and laughed and told her to go easy on me.

She gave the laugh again.

She then grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest as she may have assumed I was a cardiologist. I felt that her heart was racing and I inquired why it was beating so fast.

Girl: I’ve never been out with someone as handsome as you are before.

Me: We will take you to Optometrist Today tomorrow to have those eyes checked cuz I think you going blind

Girl laughs out loud while on the movie screen a family has just been crushed by a falling debris.

I grabbed her hand once more and with that one she seemed to settle down as she placed her head on my shoulder.

This lasted for like ten minutes then she adjusted her head and started staring at me directly. I was met with a kiss on my lips when I turned my head in her direction. Then my face was grabbed by two tiny hands and we began to kiss. She is a really good kisser except for the parts where she started to lick my nose.

I told her let’s behave ourselves before we are kicked out of movie.

Girl: Nah dem does only fuss when bullermen kissing in here.

MeYou’ve seen this happen?

Girl: Yeah man. But it’s natural for couples like us to kiss in movies

Me: Couples like us you say?. Hahahahahaha (nervously)

To cut a long story short, I was fondled, groped up and my ear and earlobes licked profusely until I think I lost hearing at one point.  All this time I’m trying to be a gentleman, given the age difference and the fact that my days for making out in cinema ended when Robinson was Prime Minister. Besides all this, I have a little class. I’m not “stoosh/stush”, I just know how to conduct myself as an adult in a PUBLIC AREA. I did kiss back and hug her up etc but I just wasn’t into all the “feel up” session in the cinema.

In the end, I asked her to tone down on the groping and that we just watch the movie. This apparently upset her greatly as she halted all bodily contact at this point.

We sat in silence and watched to the end of the movie.

I asked if she wanted to go for a drink after. She just shook her head and continued walking towards her car.  I tried to make other small talk but she was not having it. Her face was upset and she was giving me tone when she spoke.

I honestly couldn’t be bothered.

I called the matchmaker IMMEDIATELY after my date drove off and asked her to concentrate on Peace in Middle East and leave my lack of a love life out of her future missions. When I started to get into the details, she got another call from “her” friend and well from all reports…I was an asshole.

Following this incident, I called a long time friend whom I had taken to cinema when I was 14 and whom I think I had assaulted in this manner way back then. When I explained to her that I was calling to apologise for our movie outing to go see Total Recall and my apparent “friskiness” back then, she let out one loud scream followed by a serious fit of laughter.

I explained to her what had just taken place and how I never knew what it felt like to be groped up like that and that I just wanted to apologise profusely. She said there was no need to and that Karma took a while but she was happy for the apology and for the good laugh.  Truth be told, at the age of 14 she didn’t mind my advances and that I didn’t assault her anywhere near to what I just described to her. She said she remembers me just holding her hand a lot and kissing it.

EPILOGUE

Both Matchmaker and the 25 Year old mother no longer speak to me and one has deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on all of her Social media platforms (the matchmaker).

I still don’t know what I did wrong and actually I am not sorry for anything that I did. There is a time and place for everything and I had begged her not to try and meddle with my life.

I had expressed to her my strong objection to going on a date with 25 year old but she insisted that the girl was very mature and grounded for her age. Plus I was chastised for being an ageist and for not understanding that people are talking about me and my lack of relationships.  When I told her that I didn’t care about those things, she just said that I should learn to give people a chance and let love into my life. (I swear Tyler Perry has destroyed the psyche of most black people with his movies)

Anyway, that’s my tale.

I am a survivor and I hope my story allows others to come forward and deal with the pain of rejection and assault that they have experienced while out with strangers.

Let’s be careful out there people!

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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4 MINUTES


The title of this blog will make sense in awhile. In the meantime, let me inform you that the subject-matter included below is not for everyone and some may choose to stop reading once it becomes apparent.

Ever had one of those days where you have a stomach ache? Well I had one this afternoon and I couldn’t understand why I had no desire to egest or egest gaseously so I was concerned that something was wrong with my stomach.

What did I have for breakfast/lunch/ mid morning snack?

Let’s see:

  • Breakfast:  Quaker Oats with Granola
  • Mid Morning snack: Two Pricesmart brownies
  • Lunch: Bhaji Rice, Red Beans and Veggies (No meat)
  • Drink: Water. Lots of water

Thirty minutes after having lunch, I had another brownie (don’t judge me!)

Anyway around 2:30pm, my stomach began to felt weird. I, of course, ignored it and continued with the mountain of work on my desk.

2:45 pm – My godson, Dillon, came by and we spoke on a myriad of things and then I dropped him home around 3:15pm. My stomach was still queasy but I completely forgot about it during my time with him.

3:30pm – I’m back at the office and it starts to hurt even more. I take a trip to the bathroom but nothing is happening. Not even empty farts. I managed to play three rounds of Frozen Free Fall in the bathroom and headed back to my desk. Pain subsided.

5:15 pm – I drove out of the building. Destination: HOME.

5:30 pm – Stomach started to rumble but this time it was going at a pace, It was hurting. I took another sip of water that I had in the car and it subsided slightly

5:45 pm – Just passed Starlite Shopping Plaza when it happened. The PING!

I describe it as “the PING” because it is the only way I can describe the feeling. It’s the sound a microwave makes to tell you that your food is ready. My stomach rumbling was the food heating up in the microwave and then “The PING” happened.

My stomach was ready to eject the contents and it was in a hurry to expel it.  The problem is….. I was still in traffic and a long way from my apartment. I started to map out every friend’s house that was nearby but then i realised that my OCD would NEVER allow me to embarass myself to do this in someone else’s house and I honestly couldn’t guarantee that the smell that would be ejected would be Pot Pouri-esque. So I knew what I had to do…

Cue Kiefer Sutherland’s Voice:

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE 
BETWEEN 5:58 P.M. AND 6:02 P.M.
5:58 P.M
This damn traffic not MC moving!!! Why am I still in front of Starlite? Oh Lord Jesus this hurts..
5:59 P.M.
I have unbuckled my belt and I’m on the Diego Martin Highway clocking significant speed but that damn traffic light at Crystal Stream is on red. Ah can’t take it. I’m moving alot in the car and trying to concentrate on other stuff but it’s like really there….You know..by the edge of my bottom. I’m clenching as much as I can but its there.
5:59: 48:52
I buckle back up my trousers much tighter than it was….It not working.. Oh no.. I’m at the edge of the seat. Chest right up on the steering wheel. Help!!
6:00:25
This light not CHANGING!!! OH GOD Please don’t let me mess up my Car! Please GOD! I promise to be good
6:00:55
GREEN!!! Breathe Stefan Breathe……Police Car in front… Steups! Ah go take that ticket some other time. He go have to follow me home. Another Green light! Turn!! Turn!!!
I’m sweating profusely and I have taken off my tie and my unbuttoned my shirt….I need to breathe. Mamee it hurts.. it hurts really bad!
6:01:35 – I park outside the apartment but i can’t move fast. It’s literally RIGHT THERE!! Shit house keys fell in the road. I’m bending to pick up and I let out what feels like a wet fart…
Image
OH OH! RUN BOY RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Shoes off in drive way!. Belt on ground in the porch!
Keys in door…Door remains open….rushes… Pants giving trouble to come off….ow ow ow ow ow
It’s there! Oh NO! It coming down…..NOOOOOOO!
6:02: 05 – SIGH!!

 

Image

And how was your day?

 

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Through…..(Part 2)


“Stef, yuh ok?”

“I’m here if you need to talk”

“Nah boy you in a real mess! I thought I had issues..YOU have a lifetime subscription!”

“Try yuh best and don’t kill yourself eh”

“Is this a cry for help?”

“I believe you are clinically depressed.”

“Like yuh finally cracking. Don’t go shoot up work eh!”

“You are just ungrateful! You disgust me sometimes.”

“Are you gonna get counselling?”

“Maybe you should take some time off from work?”

“Don’t give up Stefan!”

So…..

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that I scared some people with my last blog post?  Trust me when I say that wasn’t the intention at all. It was meant as form of release.

I had actually written that blog in April, while in Tobago for Jazz.  I was staring at my laptop with my sprained right foot semi-hoisted in the air (well on room balcony), when I decided to write out the thoughts that had been pervading my mind for some time. And boy, did they come rushing out. I hardly have these discussions with other people as for some reason, they judge me harshly. Ignore the fact that when I am listening to their “woe is me diatribe” I don’t comment or even pass judgement. Yet for my brief lapses in judgement when I let people in, they seem to want to “Iyanla Van Zant” or “Dr. Phil”  my ass all into next week.

 

Anyway, so there I was, on the balcony of my room at Crown Point Beach Hotel, overlooking an amazing view of Store Bay and  typing away;  just listing stuff that I needed to have some measure of closure with in my life. As you see from the last blog, the list started off simple with Online Games and then it got really heavy with Love & Marriage. And then, after the first draft was finished and I realised that I had written 7 pages of thoughts….I felt better. My ankle still hurt like hell but I felt better emotionally.

Image

 

And that was the point of the blog. It was my version of therapy. It allowed me to release the demons lurking within, living rent-free and taking up valuable cupboard space and hogging the bathroom with the amount of sh…. that  was coming out of them.

 

For some people, it all good to have these thoughts only in their heads and in some way,they are able to compartmentalize them and deal with them in that same space. Well, it can’t work that way for me. I am a Hoarder in every aspect of the word. Plus I have way too many conversations going on up there for me to try and sort out stuff in the same space as well.

In every aspect of my life, I hold onto stuff and either use it as a crutch and/or  as a happy moment when 10-25 years later, the initial feeling that was associated with the event is no longer there and is replaced with…..nothing but false comfort. I’m like a junkie still trying to remember the first high but i’m never ever able to get it back.

And so I wrote out the pain, anguish and frustration and then I edited it about 15 times. It made me happy to do it. I felt relieved. I had finally gotten those thoughts out of my head and made room for other stuff. .

Posting it as a blog was another matter entirely.

That Wednesday night (May 14th), I had gotten home from work around 7pm and  decided to just listen to music instead of sitting mindlessly in front of the TV.  I put in a George Michael CD in called Symphonica (YES MEH STILL HAVE CDs..SO WHAT????) and started doing stuff around the apartment. The song “Through” came on and the emotion within it seem to envelop the room and me as well. I put the song on repeat and sat down to listen to it a second and third time. Right then and there, the words from the song, gave me my opening and closing quotes for the blog and then came the decision to post it.

As with everything, you are fine with the idea of posting it until you actually press “submit”. That was me. After pressing submit, I exhaled (don’t laugh). Then panic set in.

I think i wrote too much!  

What will people think?

Will they get the humor or think me crazy?

I decided that I would leave the post up for ten minutes and if no one commented within that time, I would take it down. One minute passed and Ian Reid commented on it and…

”FRAAAHNNNNCE!!!!!!!!!!” Even more panic set in… He didn’t see the humor!… Ok I can handle this.

By midnight, I had received four phone calls and numerous text messages; some complimentary. but most in a panic, worrying if i was about to commit suicide…

Suicide? Really? Me? .

If the “Titanic sized” level of “horn” and absolute betrayal that I have experienced in my many years on this planet hasn’t driven me to kill myself, I doubt me not wanting to sing or act or giving a damn about relationships would drive me suicide. I can barely swallow pills and I act like a baby if i get a paper cut. Let’s not even delve into hanging as my Boy Scout knots aren’t that good. If there is death by chocolate, or me drowning in cake or paratha with curried beef, then we can talk. Other than that, I will suffer the humiliation and the judgemental stares and looks and move on as I always do. No one is beating me that easily!

 

God has blessed me so many times in my life, who am I to bitch and moan about having no love life or with having no singing or acting career. Ummm in case you didn’t know, God sent me to Germany when I was 30 to do the Lion King and i think if that isn’t validation of His Love for me, then I honestly don’t know what is……

There are tonnes of stuff that I haven’t given up on :

  • Friendships (true friends never die..the number of people I know will diminish),
  • Photography – despite my inability to use or understand  Photoshop
  • My God Children – Sigh they have the most amazing parents and yet still they have time for me
  • My Family – People who are crazier than I am
  • Me….I still love this toolum colored person like hog love mud.

Come now, the little big lip, broad nose kid from Laventille never ever contemplated all the stuff and places that he would do and visit and my journey isn’t over yet.

So, I wrote this blog to let you know that I’m ok. Don’t you worry your head about me. I’ll be fine.

And to my haters out there that seem to read EVERYTHING I write and then have a meeting about how pathetic I  am… Thanks……You mean the world to me…..

Image

I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I wont cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on…..

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2014 in Emotions, Uncategorized

 

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Through…….


Is that enough?
I think it’s over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away

So i haven’t written anything in a long while and as usual it is not because there was nothing much to say but (like everything else in my life) i grew tired of doing it.

 

Yes, my commitment issues always rear their ugly head in weird places and times but it always arises. I don’t know why i can’t stick to a few things and just make it work. It just happens.

Let me list some of the things i gave up on over the past year or more:

1. ONLINE GAMES

Angry Birds Star Wars, Angry Birds Rio, Candy Crush, Farmville, Hidden Chronicles, Ruzzle and a host of other games. – I  think what did me in with those games is the fact that I kept losing to other people (sore loser here) and you can only go so far without having to spend money or depend on other players for your advancement. (Did I mention i also have trust issues, so the whole sending game requests thing is not something i was willing to entertain?. It reeked of dependency and i can only stomach doing it for short time periods.

 

2. This BLOG

I absolutely love writing and it helps to clear my mind from the myriad of thoughts, observations, opinions, rants etc that keep invading my mind on a daily basis. There was a time when i would stop what i was doing at work to write some random thought in my head before i would forget it.,I remember once pulling aside my car while on the highway so that i could jot down a thought that came to me. They all seemed brilliant at the time but in retrospect, most of the ideas were crap and I felt so embarrassed to look back at them later on. The thought “What was i thinking?” always popped into my head. Answer: I wasn’t.

 

There have also been the 10 or 12 blogs that i actually wrote and then thought that I was getting too personal or that no one would want to read that diatribe. Yup self-doubt kicked in and so i gave it a rest.

 

3. EXERCISE

For as long as I have been an actual working adult, I have had an issue with my weight. Somehow graduating from University and getting a real job meant that I ate my weight in KFC and roti without regard for my health or well being. I was never super skinny but the second tri-mester stomach i have sported for almost two decades is not something i am proud of but i have grown accustomed to it. I am happy to say that the double chin is gone and that I no longer wease (I think).

In 2012, I took the plunge and got a personal trainer in an attempt to get my weight under control. After a couple false starts with some less than desirable trainers, i found one that ignored my complaints and whipped me into shape. I actually ran a 5K and saw my clothing starting to fit me differently.

What I lacked was a proper diet and so the body shape never deviated much. So while i am fitter, my body still looks the same. Two carnivals later, i have seen changes in my friends’ bodies but none in mine. Yes i take responsibility for that but i’m tired. I am just thinking i am just too old to have a fit body. It requires way too much work.

It also doesn’t help that my younger brother looks like an extra from 300-The Movie or an extra from Magic Mike.  BIG WET STEUPS!!!!…

Image and then there’s me Image

 

4.  MUSIC-SINGING-ACTING

I am beginning to think that 2012 did something to my psyche

 

In 2012, I entered the T&T Music Festival as a means of getting my voice back into gear but it left me very despondent, and due to the fact that i am a real sore loser, I left the experience feeling crippled, useless and totally depressed. I retreated internally as i felt that what the Music Festival did was reinforce the fact that my voice isnt that special and that the talent i think i have is just a thing in my head.

 

My acting has been lukewarm at best and Soft core porn bad at its worst. I still love doing it but it doesnt love me.

 

Performing and performers are such fickle needy creatures that one bad review or comment can send a season actor into a tailspin in which they question life itself. I’m so not a seasoned actor/singer so i am totally fragile.

 

I need the applause to fuel me. Silence kills me inside.

 

Don’t laugh,  but just as Tinkerbell needs children to believe in her to she can survive, I too need the feedback. It doesn’t all have to be positive, but feedback helps. Silence kills me and lets me know that i need to go under a rock.

I wanted to do an intimate night of music with me as the main artiste back in 2013 ( for my 40th Year) but i gave up on that. Two attempts to tag along and sing in someone else’s concert never materialised, so onto the back burner went the singing.

2014 has seen some measure of resurgence in my love of music and i’ve started actually playing more CDs and listening to my ipod even more but it is nowhere to the level i was at in pre-2012.

I have like 6 lists of songs that i would like to sing but i’ve never tested any of them out to see if they are appropriate to be sung in my voice and not sound karaoke-esque or just plain bad.

 

5. LOVE & MARRIAGE

To be really honest, i think i gave up on this one a long time ago and i still think it is a futile quest in my case.

It’s not that I haven’t seen the face of love or its poster child on numerous occasions, I have reconciled ( hmm the official word for this post) internally that a certain type of love is just not for me.  God has blessed me in so many areas of my life and allowed me to have the most amazing experiences that growing up i never could fathom, that i think it would be rather boldface to be ungrateful that one aspect of my life hasn’t worked out. So what if I haven’t found love? So what if I haven’t found the ying to my yang or the cornmeal for my coo coo or the anchar for my beef roti? These things happen.

 

Psychologists and “Know-It-Alls” would say it has to do with being the product of divorced parents and the trauma that has caused me and my concept of love I say “bovine excreta”. I have hundreds of cases with other family members and lots of my friends where their parents are still together but for some weird reason, they haven’t found love either. In addition to this, both of my parents found love after their divorce and are happy..

 

Its kind of sad that even in the 21st century, not being in relationship/married/in common law/ shacked up etc at my age, one can be called “a freak” ( well only to those with 3 and 4 children who see me as being unworthy to hang in their circles but that is their issue, not mine.). It doesn’t mean I’m going to die alone. Err well it kinda does…hmmm… oh well. I’m cool with it..

 

When i look back at the people I thought I felt i was destined to be with (they number only 3), I realise how much I was “in love” and how much they were “just cool”. If they weren’t trying to be controlling or dropping subtle hints as to their dissatisfaction with some aspect of my life, i came to terms with the one common theme they all possessed. I was something they needed to fix. The love was never reciprocated. It was merely convenience and acceptance that Stefan would always be there for them but that needed tweaking in too many areas and that they weren’t willing to invest long term in the correction of same.

 

Strange thing though: sometimes I wonder if i was a ranked bastard in a previous life and then I realise that.. nope…I’m a good person who just makes bad choices in people…

 

When I look at someone and I see imperfections but what i see is potential. The potential to be a better person, the potential to love, the potential to make me happy; the potential of a fat joint income that  affords me a killer house (just kidding).  But i’ve stopped seeing it.

 

At my age, like the boy in the Sixth Sense,I also see dead people (well those that are dead inside).

I also see :

  1. Crazy people (I actually have a sixth sense about detecting the level of crazy in others).
  2. Desperation,
  3. the hopeless romantics,
  4. the “in love with love” but not with reality
  5. The Florence Nightingales
  6. The Gold Diggers
  7. The Fake intellectuals
  8. The “I found Jesus so he could help me find a good husband”
  9. The “I don’t need anyone but can we cuddle?”
  10. The “ Let’s just be Bedroom Buddies but I know you will fall for me so it will all work out”

and many more….

 

I have given up.

Completely….

 

I haven’t been looking for anyone since True Blood Season 2 ended.

 

I’m good….

 

No really.

 

I’m good.

 

CONCLUSION

So after writing down the list above, I begin to see that I am back to just existing in a vacuum. That is not a good feeling. The last time I felt like this , I was turning 30 and working mad hours at Citibank. Somehow I don’t think Disney/Hollywood is going to come calling for me at this age or that something new and exciting is around the corner that propels my mood into a different direction.

 

I’m older, crankier and less pudgier but still content.

 

This may be the start of another mid-life crisis for me, but i am so risk averse that i dont think i can actually stomach spending excessive amounts of money on anything that i will later regret (I get buyer’s remorse from buying a pair of sneakers).

 

So hear me now

I’ve enough of these chains

I know they’re of my making

No one else to blame for where I stand today

I’ve no memory of truth

But suddenly the audience is so cruel

So God, hey God you know why I’m through


Through….

 

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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The Search Is Over….


Ever so often, I have a habit of “googling” myself.

It’s mainly done to check to see if there are any scandalous photos, blogs, writings or messages about me somewhere in cyberspace.

Yes, yes I know, I am not THAT important, but once in a while a reality check is required to ensure my ego is grounded in my version of reality.

Nothing much changes everytime I look. Some kid with a helicopter something always seem to be starring with my name.

Then….

Lo and behold I google images of myself and discover this!!
http://mugshots.com/US-Counties/South-Carolina/Unsorted-SC/Stefan-Simmons.8358286.html

There is a Man in South Carolina who has been arrested for a sexual offence that has my name!

http://mugshots.com/US-Counties/South-Carolina/Unsorted-SC/Stefan-Simmons.8358286/details/

We look nothing alike and I am slightly taller with no scars but it is still frightening to think that there is a Stefan Simmons out there that is a sexual offender and therefore ruining a good name!

Alas it is among one of his many aliases but why did he have to choose MY name?

Sigh….

Then a thought got stuck in my head:
Is this an older version of me?

Now let’s look at stuff.
1- I’m still single.
2- Receding Hairline occurring.
3- No Mortgage
4- A Loner
5- Moody

Could things gets so bad that I resort to a life of crime?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Oh Hell NO!

Things will NEVER get that bad with me! Plus he goes by aliases including Mustapha Al…..I know they gonna search me at the airport for this name..Abdul (or something like that).

Ok so I’m gonna give this googling my name a rest for awhile and hopefully this mugshot of this guy will disappear soon.

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2013 in Humor, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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As Good As It Gets!


I was honestly going to let it slide but since my brain can’t let things rest until I have aired it outside of my head, here goes…….

Late Sunday night, I got a Facebook alert telling me someone had mentioned me in a comment. Curious as to why I am being mentioned (plus I like the attention) I looked;

Here is the result:

keron-1
Umm I was shocked at the detail he went into and how personally he took every aspect of the movie. Many things sprung to mind the day after this Facebook post and here are a couple thoughts (some were expressed to him on his page).

• It is a freaking Zombie movie! What part of reality is this based?
• Someone takes my reviews seriously?
• Were there no positive racial tones in the movie? Wait! it’s a FREAKING movie about ZOMBIES!!! WHO CARES?

I read all the comments on his page and only one conclusion came to mind.

People actually take my movie reviews seriously?

I mean, come now, I post three to four sentence dribbles about movies I have seen on my Flixster account and some of those comments may appear on my Facebook page but I really don’t make much out of it. I just see it as one human ranting succinctly on stuff. However, to think that there are people out there who value my opinion on something…well… I feel….honored…even though my opinion is always just that.
MY OPINION! Ebert & Roeper I’m certainly not!

I have been known to be wrong on some occasions, not many, but just a few occasions.

I love movies! Always have, always will. I am one of those children that didn’t play outside much. It’s not that children didn’t want to play with me, there was just so much going on, on TV, in books and in the Cinema!!! Who wants to get sweaty when you can lie down with a good book and a pack of Crix or be in front of the TV with a bag of “Rough Tops” or “Shirley” biscuits, or at the movies with my usual staple: A Large popcorn and a bottle of water! Sigh…the simple pleasures

I just relish what I see on screen and transport myself into each and every world that is displayed. Of course, during the course of my life, I have exhibited behaviour like Keron and therefore expressed my displeasure at either the lack of “black” characters in a movie or the fact that they always die off early. Then I realised, if it’s a good movie, what does it matter? If these things bothered me so much then obviously I should be doing something about it instead of just complaining or boycotting movies.

But I digress….My awakening to how stupid I was being came one day in London while watching De-Lovely with my friend Matthew in one of the Odeon Cinemas. The movie was going really well and I was thoroughly enjoying it and then it happened: Nearing the end of the movie, they snuck in Natalie Cole singing “Every time We Say Goodbye”. At what was supposed to be a poignant and heartfelt moment in the movie, I let out a loud “Steups” and said “this is when they bring the black woman in?” Matthew was not pleased at all and afterwards made me realise that instead of enjoying the movie for what it was, I turned it into something about race, instead of what it was meant to be; a moment to have allergies at up.

I wouldn’t say that from that moment on, I was cured of my affliction, but over time I realised that if I made an effort to see someone’s work on the screen (be it Josh Whedon, M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong, Adam Sandler or gulp Tyler Perry) I deserved to let them tell their story the way they wanted it told. After all it is THEIR story. Afterwards, I would make my usual comments about poor script or plot development or bad acting but I would never bring race into the issue, unless it was blatant like what George Lucas did in the Star Wars Prequels. Then again all those Prequels were bad on so many levels, you realise that all the money he had could not save a big budget disappointment.

Now I can expound on the virtues of loving yourself and understanding your place in the universe or ensuring that people create positive images for young children to look up to but that is not my place.

My place is as a viewer. To drink the “kool aid’ on screen and if it doesn’t agree with me, then so be it!

As I look over World War Z in my mind, for what it was it still isn’t a bad movie. I may not have agreed with some choices made by the director but the movie was entertaining. I loved that they chose to make the zombies fast paced and manic. It set my heart racing and well, my bladder could not hold the 32 oz drink for the entire movie, since my stomach contracted way too many times during certain scenes. I would definitely watch it again.

While Keron sought to highlight every bad decision people made in the movie using black characters, he somehow failed to see the bad other races (Well only Caucasians as he put it) did or even asked himself if he would have made a similar choice if he was in that particular situation.

SPOILER ALERT: I too would’ve made the same choice the Deputy Secretary General of the UN made once I thought Brad Pitt’s character was dead. Why was I keeping them on the ship taking up space? He transported them to a secure facility in Canada and not back to a zombie infested city!

So what if the black police officer decided to get some groceries too in the midst of chaos, is his family supposed to go hungry while the entire world goes crazy? At least he didn’t try to kill anyone like the Caucasian man was doing to Brad Pitt’s wife. Steups, why am I justifying a zombie movie!!

It irks me when people get all black conscious in a movie when those same people would sit through a stinking Tyler Perry movie that does nothing to uplift the image of black people beyond the stereotypes of being people who pray a lot after cussing out everyone for the first half of the movie (Sorry that’s called redemption). Every so-called heroine in a Tyler Perry movie needs a man to save her! Why is that? I just don’t get it!

At some point we need to get over ourselves. If we are not the agent for change in our lives then don’t expect others to do it for us!. If you cannot handle or like the way black characters are handled in movies then DON’T WATCH THEM!!! It is always going to upset you.

I am not saying to be totally blind but at some point your decisions have to be either to avoid these things that offend you or DO something about it or just grin and bear it.

I leave you all with a quote from a character called Melvin Udall from the movie  “As Good As It Gets”! Yes the movie had a low minority presence and the woman he said this line to was Latina (but it didn’t offend me).

“Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here!”

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2013 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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