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Category Archives: Emotions

Through…..(Part 2)


“Stef, yuh ok?”

“I’m here if you need to talk”

“Nah boy you in a real mess! I thought I had issues..YOU have a lifetime subscription!”

“Try yuh best and don’t kill yourself eh”

“Is this a cry for help?”

“I believe you are clinically depressed.”

“Like yuh finally cracking. Don’t go shoot up work eh!”

“You are just ungrateful! You disgust me sometimes.”

“Are you gonna get counselling?”

“Maybe you should take some time off from work?”

“Don’t give up Stefan!”

So…..

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that I scared some people with my last blog post?  Trust me when I say that wasn’t the intention at all. It was meant as form of release.

I had actually written that blog in April, while in Tobago for Jazz.  I was staring at my laptop with my sprained right foot semi-hoisted in the air (well on room balcony), when I decided to write out the thoughts that had been pervading my mind for some time. And boy, did they come rushing out. I hardly have these discussions with other people as for some reason, they judge me harshly. Ignore the fact that when I am listening to their “woe is me diatribe” I don’t comment or even pass judgement. Yet for my brief lapses in judgement when I let people in, they seem to want to “Iyanla Van Zant” or “Dr. Phil”  my ass all into next week.

 

Anyway, so there I was, on the balcony of my room at Crown Point Beach Hotel, overlooking an amazing view of Store Bay and  typing away;  just listing stuff that I needed to have some measure of closure with in my life. As you see from the last blog, the list started off simple with Online Games and then it got really heavy with Love & Marriage. And then, after the first draft was finished and I realised that I had written 7 pages of thoughts….I felt better. My ankle still hurt like hell but I felt better emotionally.

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And that was the point of the blog. It was my version of therapy. It allowed me to release the demons lurking within, living rent-free and taking up valuable cupboard space and hogging the bathroom with the amount of sh…. that  was coming out of them.

 

For some people, it all good to have these thoughts only in their heads and in some way,they are able to compartmentalize them and deal with them in that same space. Well, it can’t work that way for me. I am a Hoarder in every aspect of the word. Plus I have way too many conversations going on up there for me to try and sort out stuff in the same space as well.

In every aspect of my life, I hold onto stuff and either use it as a crutch and/or  as a happy moment when 10-25 years later, the initial feeling that was associated with the event is no longer there and is replaced with…..nothing but false comfort. I’m like a junkie still trying to remember the first high but i’m never ever able to get it back.

And so I wrote out the pain, anguish and frustration and then I edited it about 15 times. It made me happy to do it. I felt relieved. I had finally gotten those thoughts out of my head and made room for other stuff. .

Posting it as a blog was another matter entirely.

That Wednesday night (May 14th), I had gotten home from work around 7pm and  decided to just listen to music instead of sitting mindlessly in front of the TV.  I put in a George Michael CD in called Symphonica (YES MEH STILL HAVE CDs..SO WHAT????) and started doing stuff around the apartment. The song “Through” came on and the emotion within it seem to envelop the room and me as well. I put the song on repeat and sat down to listen to it a second and third time. Right then and there, the words from the song, gave me my opening and closing quotes for the blog and then came the decision to post it.

As with everything, you are fine with the idea of posting it until you actually press “submit”. That was me. After pressing submit, I exhaled (don’t laugh). Then panic set in.

I think i wrote too much!  

What will people think?

Will they get the humor or think me crazy?

I decided that I would leave the post up for ten minutes and if no one commented within that time, I would take it down. One minute passed and Ian Reid commented on it and…

”FRAAAHNNNNCE!!!!!!!!!!” Even more panic set in… He didn’t see the humor!… Ok I can handle this.

By midnight, I had received four phone calls and numerous text messages; some complimentary. but most in a panic, worrying if i was about to commit suicide…

Suicide? Really? Me? .

If the “Titanic sized” level of “horn” and absolute betrayal that I have experienced in my many years on this planet hasn’t driven me to kill myself, I doubt me not wanting to sing or act or giving a damn about relationships would drive me suicide. I can barely swallow pills and I act like a baby if i get a paper cut. Let’s not even delve into hanging as my Boy Scout knots aren’t that good. If there is death by chocolate, or me drowning in cake or paratha with curried beef, then we can talk. Other than that, I will suffer the humiliation and the judgemental stares and looks and move on as I always do. No one is beating me that easily!

 

God has blessed me so many times in my life, who am I to bitch and moan about having no love life or with having no singing or acting career. Ummm in case you didn’t know, God sent me to Germany when I was 30 to do the Lion King and i think if that isn’t validation of His Love for me, then I honestly don’t know what is……

There are tonnes of stuff that I haven’t given up on :

  • Friendships (true friends never die..the number of people I know will diminish),
  • Photography – despite my inability to use or understand  Photoshop
  • My God Children – Sigh they have the most amazing parents and yet still they have time for me
  • My Family – People who are crazier than I am
  • Me….I still love this toolum colored person like hog love mud.

Come now, the little big lip, broad nose kid from Laventille never ever contemplated all the stuff and places that he would do and visit and my journey isn’t over yet.

So, I wrote this blog to let you know that I’m ok. Don’t you worry your head about me. I’ll be fine.

And to my haters out there that seem to read EVERYTHING I write and then have a meeting about how pathetic I  am… Thanks……You mean the world to me…..

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I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I wont cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on…..

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2014 in Emotions, Uncategorized

 

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As Good As It Gets!


I was honestly going to let it slide but since my brain can’t let things rest until I have aired it outside of my head, here goes…….

Late Sunday night, I got a Facebook alert telling me someone had mentioned me in a comment. Curious as to why I am being mentioned (plus I like the attention) I looked;

Here is the result:

keron-1
Umm I was shocked at the detail he went into and how personally he took every aspect of the movie. Many things sprung to mind the day after this Facebook post and here are a couple thoughts (some were expressed to him on his page).

• It is a freaking Zombie movie! What part of reality is this based?
• Someone takes my reviews seriously?
• Were there no positive racial tones in the movie? Wait! it’s a FREAKING movie about ZOMBIES!!! WHO CARES?

I read all the comments on his page and only one conclusion came to mind.

People actually take my movie reviews seriously?

I mean, come now, I post three to four sentence dribbles about movies I have seen on my Flixster account and some of those comments may appear on my Facebook page but I really don’t make much out of it. I just see it as one human ranting succinctly on stuff. However, to think that there are people out there who value my opinion on something…well… I feel….honored…even though my opinion is always just that.
MY OPINION! Ebert & Roeper I’m certainly not!

I have been known to be wrong on some occasions, not many, but just a few occasions.

I love movies! Always have, always will. I am one of those children that didn’t play outside much. It’s not that children didn’t want to play with me, there was just so much going on, on TV, in books and in the Cinema!!! Who wants to get sweaty when you can lie down with a good book and a pack of Crix or be in front of the TV with a bag of “Rough Tops” or “Shirley” biscuits, or at the movies with my usual staple: A Large popcorn and a bottle of water! Sigh…the simple pleasures

I just relish what I see on screen and transport myself into each and every world that is displayed. Of course, during the course of my life, I have exhibited behaviour like Keron and therefore expressed my displeasure at either the lack of “black” characters in a movie or the fact that they always die off early. Then I realised, if it’s a good movie, what does it matter? If these things bothered me so much then obviously I should be doing something about it instead of just complaining or boycotting movies.

But I digress….My awakening to how stupid I was being came one day in London while watching De-Lovely with my friend Matthew in one of the Odeon Cinemas. The movie was going really well and I was thoroughly enjoying it and then it happened: Nearing the end of the movie, they snuck in Natalie Cole singing “Every time We Say Goodbye”. At what was supposed to be a poignant and heartfelt moment in the movie, I let out a loud “Steups” and said “this is when they bring the black woman in?” Matthew was not pleased at all and afterwards made me realise that instead of enjoying the movie for what it was, I turned it into something about race, instead of what it was meant to be; a moment to have allergies at up.

I wouldn’t say that from that moment on, I was cured of my affliction, but over time I realised that if I made an effort to see someone’s work on the screen (be it Josh Whedon, M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong, Adam Sandler or gulp Tyler Perry) I deserved to let them tell their story the way they wanted it told. After all it is THEIR story. Afterwards, I would make my usual comments about poor script or plot development or bad acting but I would never bring race into the issue, unless it was blatant like what George Lucas did in the Star Wars Prequels. Then again all those Prequels were bad on so many levels, you realise that all the money he had could not save a big budget disappointment.

Now I can expound on the virtues of loving yourself and understanding your place in the universe or ensuring that people create positive images for young children to look up to but that is not my place.

My place is as a viewer. To drink the “kool aid’ on screen and if it doesn’t agree with me, then so be it!

As I look over World War Z in my mind, for what it was it still isn’t a bad movie. I may not have agreed with some choices made by the director but the movie was entertaining. I loved that they chose to make the zombies fast paced and manic. It set my heart racing and well, my bladder could not hold the 32 oz drink for the entire movie, since my stomach contracted way too many times during certain scenes. I would definitely watch it again.

While Keron sought to highlight every bad decision people made in the movie using black characters, he somehow failed to see the bad other races (Well only Caucasians as he put it) did or even asked himself if he would have made a similar choice if he was in that particular situation.

SPOILER ALERT: I too would’ve made the same choice the Deputy Secretary General of the UN made once I thought Brad Pitt’s character was dead. Why was I keeping them on the ship taking up space? He transported them to a secure facility in Canada and not back to a zombie infested city!

So what if the black police officer decided to get some groceries too in the midst of chaos, is his family supposed to go hungry while the entire world goes crazy? At least he didn’t try to kill anyone like the Caucasian man was doing to Brad Pitt’s wife. Steups, why am I justifying a zombie movie!!

It irks me when people get all black conscious in a movie when those same people would sit through a stinking Tyler Perry movie that does nothing to uplift the image of black people beyond the stereotypes of being people who pray a lot after cussing out everyone for the first half of the movie (Sorry that’s called redemption). Every so-called heroine in a Tyler Perry movie needs a man to save her! Why is that? I just don’t get it!

At some point we need to get over ourselves. If we are not the agent for change in our lives then don’t expect others to do it for us!. If you cannot handle or like the way black characters are handled in movies then DON’T WATCH THEM!!! It is always going to upset you.

I am not saying to be totally blind but at some point your decisions have to be either to avoid these things that offend you or DO something about it or just grin and bear it.

I leave you all with a quote from a character called Melvin Udall from the movie  “As Good As It Gets”! Yes the movie had a low minority presence and the woman he said this line to was Latina (but it didn’t offend me).

“Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here!”

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2013 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Apologize…..


While trolling through Instagram, I saw this picture post from a friend that put a disturbance in The Force.

It interrupted my equilibrium.

My chakra went out of alignment.

It just annoyed the hell out of me.

It was a quote from a guy called Robert Brault

apology u never get

Easier? Easier you say?

 

UTTER MADNESS!!!

What kind of person is this Robert guy who actually thinks that this is worthwhile advice in a world where people are so damn angry and distraught that if some don’t commit suicide, they look to shoot up co-workers or malls to release their frustration. Do you think these people could forget the hurt they feel or accept the apology within them?

Oh Hell No!!

I find it insulting for someone to suggest it.

Yes i know i am a bit high-strung but this is coming from someone who hasn’t contemplated killing anyone ( well not in any great detail) but I have told many a co-worker and friend that:

The day you all send me mad is the day I come in here naked with my dirty jockey shorts in hand and i am going to wipe it in everyone’s face.

Now they all laugh when they hear it but they have no idea how serious i am about this. I detest people who can’t apologise for their wrong doing. They annoy me. Especially those people who are “Wrong and Strong” with it and therefore believe that it is beneath them to apologise for affecting someone else. It just irks me to the core.

 

What’s wrong with a simple apology? It doesn’t mean you are weak. it means you have a human side and in some respects if helps you cleanse your soul from the dirt and muck within.  An apology can stop wars, feuds and if the person can’t accept it, it doesn’t matter. It was done and (once you meant it) you are free.

But do people do this? Oh noooooooo. They prefer to walk away or just not acknowledge the wrong they have  done.

 

I have had too many people that have wronged me and just thought that by either hugging me or just pretending it never happened it will go away.

It didn’t it. It won’t work.

 

As you can probably tell, I am what the young people call a “Toter“. I carry it with me as a reminder that these people don’t give a flying fart about me or my feelings.  It may prevent me from trusting others but then again, I believe my “friend book” filled up a long time and while there have been many deletions, the additions are like my grandmothers teeth (few and far between)

So yes, I guess i am damaged and damaged with good reason.

I long to meet adults that actually admit when they are wrong and not wait until someone calls them out on it. I beleve that somewhere these humans exist.

 

I still can’t get Cindy to admit she is not “earthy”

I can’t get Voldemort to apologise for anything

I can’t get Katie H to admit she……

I can’t get Jerry to apologise for driving my car without permission

I can’t get Jack Warner to just admit he may have been wrong on everything

I can’t get Kamla to admit throngat she has no clue what she is doing

I can’t get Sat to admit how much of a racist he is….

 

And you know what?

I apologise to everyone.

If I have wronged you, I will be the first to admit it and therefore clear my conscience. Clean my karma.

 

Alas I guess I am a relic.

The only one….

Ok…I’m better now…just needed to vent..

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2013 in Emotions, RANT

 

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Breaking The Law


Breaking The Law

So there I was, stuck in traffic entering Diego Martin. Traffic is moving really slow and so I pick up my blackberry to check an email I just got from the office. I was reading it and getting really angry by its contents when all of a sudden I looked up and realised that a police woman was stopping traffic. She then turned to me and directed me to pull to the side of the road.

Ugh!! Are you serious? She is pulling me to side? I can’t believe this!

So I park and she walks up to the car window with her arms crossed and says:

PW: I can’t believe you were doing what you were doing?

Me: *silence*

PW: I was shocked that you didn’t even realise there was a police presence around you

Me: *silence*

PW: May I have your documents please

Me: Sure.

 

I reached inside my glove compartment and pulled everything out for her. She took them and walked back to her vehicle.

I guess you were wondering about my silence? Umm what was I going to say? I know when I’m beaten and I wasn’t taking a chance to answer in any form of a tone so that I may be carted off to jail because I was sarcastic or something. My brain kept telling me: “Hush Boy!” “Hush yuh mouth!”. Don’t speak!

After she entered her vehicle, every expletive I can think of starts flooding my mind as I am totally upset with myself for this infraction. I sit there and I can’t seem to recall what is the new fine for being on your phone while driving? I seem to think it is between $2000 and $5000. I of course calculate these things in lost CD purchases and then I realise that I might be eating Crix and drinking water for the rest of the month when I get this ticket.

She returns to my car and hands me back my license and insurance.

PW: Sir, is the address on your Driver’s Permit your correct address?

Me: Yes Maam

PW: Ok, then you will receive a summons in the mail

Me: A Summons? No no no no no no no.

PW: How yuh feeling now!

Me: No! what happened to the ticket? Why can’t I get a ticket? (my lips are squivering here!)

PW: Well sir, we do not have any books to issue tickets so you will get a summons in the mail

Me: That means I have to appear in front of a magistrate and stand in the criminal box at the court house?

PW: How yuh feeling now

Me: Like a Cunumunu!

PW: Ah ha. Yuh see! Now was that phone call that important?

Me: I wasn’t talking on the phone but reading an email. Traffic had not moved in awhile and so I started to read it

PW: An email!! Oh this makes it even worse! Can I see your phone?

Me: Sure! But why?

PW: I want to see if you responded to the email.

Me: I had not!

She takes my phone and looks at it and then returns it back to me.

PW: Well sir! You will now know not to drive and text.

Me: Umm is there any chance I can get a ticket? Can I drive you to the station to get a ticket book or something?

PW: (laughs) You funny yes! Unfortunately there are no ticket books and that is why you are getting a summons

Me: Just my luck! I am going to be embarrassed for all eternity

PW: I know how you feel. I had to appear before one two years ago because I decide to park next to a “No Parking” sign and I am supposed to know better. None of us are above the law

Me: I understand that but I just rather not have to go before a judge and feel worse than I already am at this point.

PW: Well sir, that’s how it is! Do have a good day!

Me: Thank you Officer…

PW: Beckles. Officer Beckles.

Me: Thank you Officer Beckles. I guess we will see each other again in court?

PW: I doubt it but make sure the next time I see you it is not for this offence!

Me: Yes Maam. Have a good weekend

PW: You too!

And there you have it folks. I am officially a criminal!

Feel free to pass me straight in the road.

I will keep you updated when I get the summons and when I have to go to court, but after this experience, my weekend was just “Bleh”!

And would you beleive that I caught myself text at a traffic light the next day and almost jumped out of my skin! Smh! We criminals never learn!

How was your weekend?

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2013 in Emotions, Humor, RANT

 

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THIS IS 40!


As I turn to rise and stretch my hand to take off the series of alarms that go off, to herald a new work day, I take a moment to say “Thank you God” for my life and especially for the blessing of being able to see my 40TH Birthday.

This morning I smell of “Absorbine Junior” due to the fact that my right shoulder hurts from exercising on Friday and not necessarily as a result of old joints.  I look in the bathroom mirror and see me: A very low almost bald type haircut, (I started taking it a couple years ago, owing to the receding hairline) and specks of gray hair that started to pop up. My goatee is neatly trimmed and also speckled with gray but this one I can bear. My body is slowly finding a nice form. I have lost 15 pounds and went from a trouser size of 38 to 36 and my clothing fits so much better.  I no longer have a second trimester belly! So good things are happening.

I have not had the desire to buy any hair dying products as yet and I think it has to do with denial of my age.

In the life of a normal person, at the age of 40, I would be married (insert name of person I thought was “The One”), with at least two children (Tallulah and Dylan), a mortgage or two, two dogs, a stray cat and a good job. Instead, I am single, no children (except my sisters, my personal trainer, TSTT/BMobile, and my parents), renting and a great job that affords me the opportunity to delve into other passions without being too upset. Life’s not bad.

I did not try to see the movie “This is 40” as I found it insulting that these people were haivng a crisis at that age when mine is yet to begin!

I am FORTY years old.  It’s so hard to believe that I am this old! I have spent four decades on this planet. Two Score!  Strange though…I don’t feel old! My knees may beg to differ but what do you expect from trying to be limber all during my teenage year when I knew nothing about the word “exercise” or “warm up”!!

I am plain and boring for 40. I don’t smoke. I rarely drink but I do enjoy a sip of an alcoholic beverage every now and then. There are no tattoos, no piercings or any kind on my body. My biggest act of rebellion was my attempt at a ras that didn’t last long as the Trinidad heat was too much for all that hair! There were no jerry (gheri) curls and designs in my head. I was the simple child. No protest or trouble from me. All I wanted was peanut butter and bread with apple juice in the house. Simple stuff!

Hmmmm….

When I thought of writing this blog, many ideas came to mind and the only one that stuck for any length of time is… If I could go back in time what would I tell my younger selves at the turn of each decade? And so, knowing that even if I could go back in time, I should not alter the past but just make myself aware of certain events. Would that still be right? Would my younger selves even acknowledge me on or would they look at me with disdain? Lord knows when I was younger I rolled my eyes or nodded at everything people told me but ignored it. Oh well… here goes.

1983

Dear Ten Year old Stefan,

Life is going to change a lot after you do Common Entrance next year. New School. New People. New Teachers and new forms of torture. Be prepared in Secondary school as the shock of not coming First in end of term exams doesn’t go well for you the first time, but you learn to cope.  You will be popular in school and even jeered at but know that it’s all in good fun. You will fight with a guy named Dale St. Rose a lot and you will lose everytime so try to keep your wisecracks to yourself.

Mommy will change churches and it will result in your tv time schedules being disrupted but you will adapt. Be very weary of “Church people”. They may all love God but they certainly do not love other people.

There will be romantic links but nothing significant and you will lose your cherry but I wont tell you when (It goes by really really fast). The strong romantic links will come when you change schools for 6th Form. I won’t tell you what school you change to but just know, those years will mark the start of some great experiences and a few academic rewards that you never thought possible.

You will get more siblings during this period and your family will increase in size otherwise. I can’t say more but don’t worry, you will pay it no mind.

This may be a shock to you but not everyone you meet will like you and some may even try to kill your spirit.

Ignore them!

Believe in yourself!

Don’t ever give up on the Dream!

P.S You can sing!! So ignore it when a teacher puts you in the “B” Choir. She has no idea what she is doing. Keep on singing in the shower!

1993

Dear Twenty Year old Stefan,

Ok forget your teenage years, life changes here in ways you never expected. You are going to start UWI in September and you need to prepare yourself for this new world. UWI will be fun but it teaches you some really important lessons on friendships and on trusting people.

I can’t tell you when, but you will be hurt deeply during this period. It will change your outlook on most things but you need to understand that it is all for the best. It will be hard to see it then but trust me when I say it gets better.

Grooming takes on different and new meanings in this period. Adjust quickly. You will also take awhile to find the right deodarant. You won’t stink up the place but extreme sweaty arm issues will abound during this period. 

Oh and after you leave school you will balloon into a small whale. This is when your weight issues will kick in and you will struggle with them for awhile. You get a really good job in banking (don’t knock it) and it gives you the opportunity to travel more than you have before and you even live in a couple countries.

In 2002, you will do something way outside your comfort zone and you will be rewarded.

I can’t tell you what it is but it ties into the fact that I told you when you were ten that you could sing!

Don’t ever give up on the dream!

2003

Dear Thirty Year Old Stefan,

Hmmm so you live HamburgGermany eh? Hahahahahahaha who would’ve thought? I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished! You are braver than I thought possible and for that I wish I was you all over again. Oh BTW people are spreading some wild rumors about you becaus  of this move but don’t let it bother you even if you are shocked at the sources.

This decade is going to be one of ups and downs and you won’t always be in Germany but wherever you end up you will have fun.

It is sort of sad to say but there will be no great love for you in this decade but trust me when I say you will meet some people that will change your life for the better! There will however be a woman who will sweep you off your feet when you meet her and all I will say is that her initials are KT.

You will see Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston and a host of other artistes live and up close. Try not to freak or scream out as you are a grown man now.

You are still a bit cynical on love and “Church people” but you are clearer on who God is in your life and what a relationship with him means to you so don’t be too worried. Don’t lose your generous spirit in the wake of all the liars, thieves and other shady types of people you will meet in work and in life. Just be smarter in the way you handle stuff.

There will be many people who claim to be in love with you or express love for you and you will not feel the same or question it. It’s okay to question it but don’t be too harsh. 

Keep your head up! Coming down to the end your resolve will be tested but as you would’ve come to realise by now, God never leaves your side. So don’t lose faith!

Don’t ever give up on the dream!

——–

2013

Dear Stefan,

You are not done. There is still much to do on this road of life despite you feeling over-the-hill. Please ensure that there is at least one Photography Exhibit of your work somewhere beyond your living room or computer. And it wouldn’t kill you to at least try and do a music set in a some little bar all by yourself.

The Dream is still alive!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor

 

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The Morning Comes


’Cause the devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll
Sending good men down the foot trails of some lost lonely souls

As I was sleepily going to let 2012 slip by without a signal notation, WordPress.com reminded me of what I did on their site this year. It wasn’t much but it made me realise that this year I slacked off on a lot of things I used to do and it almost felt as if I lost my passion.

I started off the year racing to Music Festival to try and recover or remember the joy of singing/competing in some way. The only thing I remember about it is that I hate losing and I didn’t enjoy singing a single song. Well I enjoyed singing two out of the three songs but losing at every turn left the melodies with a sour taste in my mouth. Plus it made me cognizant I was singing for the wrong reason. I wanted to be heard but I guess not in a good way. When God wants to teach me a lesson, he crushes my spirit good and proper so that I don’t make the mistake again. Lesson Learnt.

Then came “Little Shop of Horrors” in May 2012. Honestly, I loved my voice in that production and I felt as if I had come home to my craft. From rehearsals to every night on stage (well backstage – being the voice of Audrey 2), I found a joy, an energy, a feeling that for me resonated in my performance. I  felt as if I could do this job for a living. I was reinvigorated. While no one may have complemented my performance much on the show, I felt good about it and I love that feeling. I knew I did good work.  There are people who may not like me for whatever reason but they cannot deny that I don’t  give my all for every performance. Being the voice of Audrey II felt right. We were one! I loved it.

And then that was it for performing. Doldrums. Nothing again. (insert cricket chirping noise here…)

I didn’t mind much this time as I concentrated on work more and all the intensity that brings with it and well this time my boss had no comment in my performance appraisal about him believing that he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there! Hmm the things people say even when I never took a sick day nor a personal or vacation day in 2011 for any performance. 2012 proved to be the same.

Photography also took a short nap after I started off the year with an ambitious project of a photo a day for January on flckr.com. Coming towards the second half of 2012 I could no longer fight off the need to be creative and so with my camera in hand, I took shots of anything and anybody I could find. One day I do hope to have a gallery exhibit with some of the photos that I took (some that still shock me because I wonder how did I get that particular shot).

Yup in looking back, 2012 started off with promise and then slowly dissolved into an experience that I still can’t quite come to terms with. A lot of soul searching and denials continued to occur within me during this time.

I kept being confused at why the prospect of love never finds me. Only to realise it is not in the form that I am looking for. God has blessed me in so many areas of my life, why must I be selfish and think that just because i am not married , have children or in a serious relationship that my life is not complete?  How selfish is that thinking?

I questioned friendships, relationships and found that for some people, I think Jesus would agree and fully endorse me not speaking to them ever again. There is no hate but as my soul gets older, its tolerance for irrational people, drama, lies and  BS is not as high as it used to be. Every year there are casualties. Some friendships are mourned but with the death of some, comes a sigh of relief, the angels singing on high, a new song. Freedom!!!

As with every year, some people are hurt, some people die and some people got sick and no amount of writing about it can repair/fix the feelings they had or experienced. Especially when one is absent from the process and one just doesn’t know how to get back into it. A Man Apart!

I have become somewhat of a recluse; peeping out into the world on occasion; living through other people’s eyes and not taking chances. I have strangely enough found new friends, reignited friendships lost and still remained “me”.

I say babble on about all of this because I turn 40, (FORTY!!), in 29 days’ time and it is FREAKING SCARY!!! I still can’t come to grips with being that old. When did it happen? I still feel that a part of my life must have been fast forwarded because I can’t recall how this came so soon.

I worry.

I embrace it.

I worry some more.

There are things still yet to be done. In the scheme of life, I’m way behind on some of the goals and milestones that are set out for normal people. Alas, I am not normal. I never considered myself normal.

I am that curbside prophet still waiting for his rocket to come.

I am a singer still waiting for that big break. That one hit. That album. That tour. That success!

I am an actor waiting for that one movie role, theatre role, award, million dollar pay day. That indie movie with critical acclaim. That Vanity Fair/GQ Spread

I am that chubby boy waiting for the appearance of abs, the low body fat measurement. That hot body with spectacular pecs and a chest that means I never have to refer to them as “tut tuts”

I am that dreamer, who sees so much and wants to do it but feels constrained, feels helpless, but still wants to press on!

I am waiting.

Waiting for life to begin!    I have started it a few times but them it seems to lose steam.

Out of everything, I know one thing to be true….

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…. So I must journey on.

Onward to 2013 and all the blessings and challenges it brings.

I’m ready….Are you?

 “And I say oh, oh
Rain don’t change the sun
Jealous is the night when the morning comes
But it always comes.”

Delta Rae -The Morning comes

 

HAPPY 2013 EVERYONE!

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2012 in Emotions, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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It’s All In My Mind!


DISCLAIMER:

I write this blog for protection. For you to be my witness. I know it may seem one sided but I have no reason to lie to you. Honestly, the contents of this blog are not made up and any resemblance to persons alive is INTENTIONAL!

————-

On September 13th 2012, I wrote this status update on Facebook:

  1. Dear God,
    Can I safely assume that I am close to or at the limit for “Crazy/Mentally Unstable” people that you would bring into my life? Because I am pleading the Blood a little too often these days!
    Love Always
    Stefan (not Stefforn)

I had written it at that time because out of the blue someone who I barely knew had approached me to lend them $50,000 to buy a car. This person was not employed; they weren’t a relative or close friend. I barely knew them. Yet they insisted that I was the best person to help them because all they needed was someone to believe in them. Err and you chose ME?

When this offer was rejected, they came back a day later and asked for $1200 to do a personal training course. By this time I was flipping out as I could not understand why this person was harassing me.  Anyway, after telling them what they would have to do for the $1,200.00, the calls stopped coming.

Yes I know I could’ve just told them no and left it there but if “NO!”  didn’t work for $50,000, I needed something extreme that didn’t involve cursing to remove this potential parasite from my phone.

But that’s not the main story.

I have someone that has been trying to rekindle a “friendship” we had when I think Noor Hassanali was President.  It wasn’t much of a friendship in the first place and due to some dodgy behaviour on her part, I chose to ignore her (as I do with most people).

Over the last few months, she has started calling my phone (I would not answer the call), texting me (intermittent text responses) and now she has resorted to sending me messages via mail. No not email, but mail!

Can I point out that she knows where I live (I have NEVER invited her in or showed her where I live)? A month ago she left an envelope with my landlady  who handed it to me one afternoon after I had just parked my car. (Envelope shown below)

Envelope 1 – Can in a white paper bag

I never opened it. I have no intention of looking at its contents.

On Saturday 15th September, while I was driving out of the garage, my landlady told me that there was mail in the box for me and that she preferred not to touch it. I laughed when she said it but when I looked at the package, I understood why.

The package was placed in a Ziploc bag and to the front there was what appeared to be a piece of bush wrapped in paper with writing on the paper.

I don’t know about you, but my granny’s voice kicked in my head and said “Lambkin, dat bitch wah kill yuh!”

Envelope 2 (with bush)

So here I am.  Confused, slightly scared and totally thinking about moving.

I find myself, more than I used to before, praying. Not only praying but pleading “the Blood of Jesus” on my life and asking for protection from these unseen forces that seem to be bringing to “crazies” into my realm.

I know what you are thinking. I must have done something to encourage these people because no one would just opt to do stuff like that without some catalyst.

The crazy guy was the bad personal trainer that I had for all of two months who barely showed up for my sessions and always had an excuse why he couldn’t be there. Turns out it was because he was either training someone else or drinking with friends. He said he felt that I looked like a trustworthy person and he needed someone to believe in him.

He need to believe in Jesus because “In God We trust. Others Pay”

The second person is….not a friend. Not someone I was intimate with and it isn’t even someone that I brushed up against even suggestively. As far as I can remember I NEVER touched her.

She had sent me a text on July 10th, out of  the blue, saying:

“Want 2 get married and stay married unlike your parents or mine?! Start talking…shout….scream if u need, only say how u truly feel”

Apparently I said nothing and will still continue to say nothing.

There was a text in French as well but I wasn’t bothering to translate it and I deleted that madness as if it was a penis enlargement email.

I was advised that I should burn the letters or just throw them away. A guy in work told me to escort said letters to the nearest police station and report them as evidence of harassment. He believes if I report it first, it would go along way into saving my backside should she trip out and claim abuse later on.

I prefer to move. Sounds like the coward’s way out but this aint no Lifetime/BET movie where we rise above whatever. This certainly will not end with anyone dead on my floor and police lights blazing over the place and me wrapped in blanket sitting at the back of the ambulance. Nope, that stuff only happens in movies.  I need to protect my black ass.

What do you think?

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2012 in Emotions, Humor, RANT

 

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