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Category Archives: Humor

WEEK 50 – ESTEBAN AND THE CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS

WEEK 50 – ESTEBAN AND THE CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS

The Church Announcements for this week are as follows:

  1. Pastor has asked that all toys left after the charity drive be given to other children and not to grown folks with only cats and dogs in their lives. #amen
  2. If you are expecting a gift from brother Esteban, please know that a donation has already been made in your name to his credit card bill.
  3. The Airport arrivals have started and this is not an excuse to miss Church Service or Thursday night Prayer meeting. #noted #findanotherride
  4. Beef & Chicken Pastelles are on sale at $24 each? Let me taste one raisin in it and see if that fig-leaf wrapping isn’t stuffed down your throat. #letthechurchsayamen
  5. On Monday, I will be in office alone as everyone else will be on vacation. Posting pictures from the beach or with a drink in your hand is not permitted.
  6. The Deacon Board has noticed that the Doubles man on Maraval Road has missed a day or two this week. If he doesn’t pay taxes, does he really need a day off?
  7. The church is reminded to avoid Sister Debbie’s black cake as it has been soaking in a bucket of rum since the beginning of December.
  8. The Young Ladies of the church are reminded to not accept any “Free Kisses” or “Free Hugs” Coupons from any young gentlemen in the church. The Lord’s love is enough to keep you til you die.
  9. If you know the brother or sister sitting next to you is alone this Christmas, please inquire if they would like company and only visit them in groups for 4. The Lord didn’t minister to you for any romantic hook up on this matter.
  10. If any of these announcements are confusing to you, might I suggest that you take it to the GOOD LORD in prayer and not with me!

AMEN

THANK_YOU_JESUS_9fe896ec1b3a12f20256338821b57cbd

 
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Posted by on December 15, 2017 in Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 49 – ESTEBAN’S HUMBUG

WEEK 49 – ESTEBAN’S HUMBUG

  1. I’ve stopped expecting gifts for Christmas; mainly because of my age and also because I’m generally considered ungrateful when I get bad presents from people.
  2. If I see anybody that owes me money using an Iphone X, please know that I will not be confronting you but just passing by you and picking up stuff for auction.
  3. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the daily bible verses that people send me on a morning; it’s the outta timing memes and videos that follow that I find slightly disturbing.#bipolarmuch #pickateam #teamjesus #teamdevil
  4. Trouble walked out the gate this morning while I was driving out. She didn’t look back and I didn’t call out to her to getback inside. I just watched her cut eye as I passed her in the road on my way to the gym. #notrunningbehindadog #irundownnothing #notmyideaofcardio
  5. A lady cuts in front of an old man near Marli Street this morning. The guy responds : “Yuh driving like yuh face!! Zug Up!!”
  6. My housekeeper sent me a video from my laundry room of something that looked like rat droppings. I resisted the urge to tell her to pack my stuff up as I would be moving out.
  7. I’ve been spring cleaning over the last week and I can safely say that every box I’ve touched is now neatly packed and that I’ve thrown NOTHING away.
  8. How does one choose/decide on paint colors for a wall? The only colors I know for painting walls are Off White, Cream, and Sky Blue. #iminamess #imhorribleatchoosingcolors #fixitrowley
  9. Yes Ma’am I did hear you fart twice while you were doing your sit-ups in the corner. I assumed your music was on too loud so you think they came out without a sound.
  10. I see that you are back posting inspirational quotes under random pictures of yourself holding a drink/camera phone. STOP IT!! No one believes you as a motivational speaker!
 
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Posted by on December 8, 2017 in Entertainment, Food, Holidays, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 45 – ESTEBAN AND LIGHTNING THIEF

WEEK 45 – ESTEBAN AND LIGHTNING THIEF

1.    Having “Craisins” as a mid-day snack results in more than the acceptable number of work bowel movements that I can tolerate. #newsnackrequired

2.    Apparently eating Apples with Peanut butter can help you lose weight. #jesusletthisbetrue

3.    People can ignore emails I’ve sent, but let me delay in responding to one…… #seepaulluck

4.    “Trouble” has been in the yard for an entire week. Something’s coming and I don’t think I’m ready for it.

5.    IMAX’s large popcorn is a less than a Regular Popcorn at Movietowne but more expensive? #how #whyjesus #fixitrowley #teef

6.    I like to see a new movie within the first day or two of it premiering. Having to wait on friends beyond that time period to go see it makes me really anxious. #ilikemyownway

7.    Liking to drink Cranberry juice doesn’t insinuate that I have an STI or UTI… #restmehnah

8.    I wanna play the Genie in Disney’s Alladin! #universetakeovernow #itsouttherenow #isaidit

9.    There are times after I’ve paid all my bills that I consider opening up a “Go Fund Me” page so that I can have a life.

10.  Referring to 9, if you message me about  Herbalife, FX Trading or Amway (Network Marketing) opportunities based upon what you read above, you will be met with intense hostility. #youhavebeenwarned

11.  On seeing the 2019 Cast of the Live Action Lion King, I keep seeing Beyonce ad libbing her lines and saying: “I’m Nala and I’m a whole lotta woman!”. I cringe everytime…

12.  As bad as “The Orville” is (w.r.t. Sci Fi), it’s still miles ahead of anything Tyler Perry could produce for TV.

13.  TV IDEA: In the style of the Greenleaf TV series, we should have a similar one call “Cuffie”. They already have the Palatial Residence and a Trini sized Mega Church, so it would be easy to make.

14. Dear Facebook, my humblest apologies but I have no nudes to send to you

15. Happy 16th Anniversary to Lion King Germany and Happy 20th to Lion King Overall

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Posted by on November 10, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Fitness, Food, Humor, RANT, TV

 

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Basket Case

Basket Case

Have you seen someone you hadn’t seen in ages and all of a sudden a repressed memory re-surfaces and scares you? 

Here’s my tale.

In a Galaxy far far away. In a time where Gods roamed amongst us, there was a young lad that was loved by all and was always invited to every event possible. That no longer happens to the person but he isn’t bitter or angry with these so –called friends and their “married people/couples limes” with the multiple of…… . Sigh ok I’m digressing here and sounding bitter. Focus!!

Anyway, in this alternate universe, he was invited by a co-worker to a celebratory event at his home. (I’m being vague here just so that anyone familiar with the event will have a hard time recalling same). The event was of a Thanksgiving nature. His parents were celebrating the success of all of their children completing tertiary education, some with multiple degrees. Now, I wasn’t the only one from the office that was invited but most everyone else decided to carpool. I opted to drive there on my own.

Anyway I got there at a decent time and mingled with everyone but stayed mainly within the confines of the people that I knew. 

The speeches started an hour later and began with the Patriarch speaking on behalf of the family and listing out the accomplishments of the children. There were loads of cheers and toasting at this point. Then a close family member came up to speak and he also echoed the sentiments of the father and then added the gem of a phrase that this family always made the :indigenous choice” when it came to finding companionship.

I jumped slightly at the phrase “indigenous choice” but smiled it off and toasted like everyone else.

 

Each of the children spoke afterwards and basically thanked their parents for instilling the proper work ethic and values within them. That part was hella touching. Then came the fiancé of one of the siblings who spoke and proclaimed how happy he was to be invited into the family and how much he was in love. Before he ended his speech, he uttered “Oh and as you can see, she made the indigenous choice”. 

A loud deafening boom entered my ears and pervaded my mindscape.

Everyone else laughed and some howled with laughter.

Me?

Well I grinned and for the first time I quickly surveyed the room and realized that…. Gulp.. I was alone. There was no one else like me there. I looked at my co-workers and realized the same thing. I was the only one!

No one else there was as “handsome” as I. 

How could that be? 

Why would they single me out to attend this event?

Then the voice of Oda Mae Brown filled my head : Molly, you in danger, girl!


I will not say that I departed immediately but I began to feel slightly uncomfortable even though everyone I spoke to at the event acted normal and to a large extent was only laughing at my jokes.

So when the speeches ended and the food was served (yuh must be mad to think I was leaving there hungry), I hung around for another half hour and then feigned a previous commitment (having to pick up my mother and sister from an alleged prayer meeting) and left.

I never spoke about my feelings/fears to anyone from work, but I mentioned the awkwardness to a couple people and was told that I was being my usual paranoid self.

What are your thoughts? 

What do you think?

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

  1. Asking for God’s help when you are chairing the High Council of Evil is a bit off in my books. #jesussaves #fixmejesus
  2. You are confused as to why you are not getting more Instagram likes when your profile is filled with the same selfie pose? Maybe you are just ugly and everybody but you knows it. #fixmejesus
  3. “You bring your whole camera to this bicycle thing on the avenue?” Well bringing just the lens to the event didn’t make sense. #ichbinvonidiotenumgeben #imsurroundedbyidiots
  4. I know it’s for charity, but charging me $5 for FIVE small pholourie should be an indictable offense subject to mandatory jail time! #justsaying
  5. I played your punch board game and made certain picks, only to realise the paper tells me “ You have a chance at winning a prize” TEEF MUCH?
  6. Charging me $25 for a palette to transport an item and when it arrives the item is on bricks is just not cool. Not cool. However, I realise that the bricks costs more than a palette so we’ll let this incident slide.
  7. Please stop suggesting people that I should consider dating. My hate club is continually growing and I’m trying for it not to be registered as a Medium sized band for Carnival.
  8. The “Perpetually pregnant” dog in the neighbourhood had pups and one wandered into my yard and got viciously barked away by Trouble. Heff couldn’t be bothered.
  9. “Yuh get fat boy!!” – You try taking public transportation for a few months and see if you don’t stress eat at the mere thought of traveling.
  10. “You real bitter boy!!” Just call me “Carailli”!!
 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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DEAR ESTEBAN – IS DATING YOU EASY?

DEAR ESTEBAN – IS DATING YOU EASY?

Dear Esteban,

Pleasant Good Morning to you.

I really love your posts and I’m always asking my friend if you’ve post anything recently. You is one ass we. You does make me real laugh. We don’t know each other and we  not Facebook friends as you may have guess  already.  I want to know if someone was interested in going out with you how would they go about doing it? I know you will be honest with your response .

Signed

Hello It’s Me…..


Dear Hello It’s Me,

Brain Clutter clearing in 5,4,3,2,1…

  • “Pleasant Good morning” is a greeting I find annoying as it is used particularly by people who normally have no manners but  are trying to impress someone that they need something from. So “Good Morning” is a sufficient greeting.
  • ” You is one ass we” – I am guessing you’ve never been exposed to French or Patois?.
  • It seems that you and the Past tense are warring.
  • I want to believe you have sadistic tendencies since you ( even remotely) want to consider dating me.

So…How does one go about dating me?

YOU DON’T!

Walk away! Walk away fast, not slowly.

Save yourself and your sanity and leave me alone.

I’ve seen this movie way too many times and I can safely say it doesn’t end well. Not Empire Strikes Back cliffhanger good but more Frutvale Station sad ending.  It always starts off nice and easy, where we talk and chat constantly for a few days  and then I will go silent and you will assume I’m either ignoring you or seeing someone else, when I would’ve explained during our conversations that I like “alone” time and space. Worse yet, you started trying to tweak/alter my life and you are met with silence.

Let’s face it, at my age, I’m set in my ways and any attempt to try and change or alter me will be met with long term resistance.  Conformity will happen in the short run but in the long run (meaning at maximum 3 months later), you will be calling friends for advice and the words “idiot”, “selfish” “jackass”and “asshole” will become commonplace in your vocabulary when asked to describe me.

I know what you are thinking: What kind of girls did he date? I’m not like that at all.

Well they all said the same thing and lo and behold a big steups comes over their lips at the mere sight or mention of me. Or worse yet, they hide behind spouses or change direction mid stride if I’m spotted a mile away.  Alas, there are various stages of emotion one goes through after dating me.

Now please note that there is no lasting hatred for me as I am as lovable and genuine as they come but know this:

If you date me, your next relationship will be awesome. I mean you may either find your husband or that long term long lasting relationship you so always desired. I haven’t met an ex yet that isn’t happily married or in the best relationship possible since I exited their romantic life.

I’m a little bit like that movie Good Luck Chuck…(minus the sex part)

No matter what psychological theory you can come up with based on this blog, just know that I’m happy with my godchildren, friends, immediate family and two dogs.

I’m really good.

Please stay away!

If something causes you to change your mind, just know that i will chronicle the experience and share it on social media, so be prepared when people start putting two and two together and get FIVE!

ESTEBAN OVER & OUT

you-re-warned-now-stay-away

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT, Relationships

 

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DEAR ESTEBAN – HOT TRAINER WOES

DEAR ESTEBAN – HOT TRAINER WOES

My Darling Esteban,

I see that you have had a Personal Trainer for a while now and it seems to be working out for you.

How do you know if your trainer hates you or not? I think mine hates me immensely. I’ve been with him for about 3 months now and he ignores me most times and never corrects my form and if he does its loud enough for the entire gym to hear. I’m not one for confrontation but if he’s never shown me the proper form, how does he expect me to get it?  It’s really embarrassing now and I try to just play it off, but its getting to be too much now.

What should I do? I’m conflicted here

Oh and did I mention that he is really really really HOT?

Honestly what should I do?

Signed Money Jumping Up

—————————————————————

Dear Money Jumping Up,

Quick Question: When you chose this Personal Trainer, were you looking for a man or for someone to actually help you with your fitness goals?

 

It sounds as if you chose him for his looks and hoped that by association he would eventually:

·         Give you piece

·         Touch you up

·         Become your boyfriend

·         Be something more…

All in all, I want to believe you chose him for the wrong reasons. Right now you are in an abusive relationship where you are paying the abuser and reaping no benefits/perks through this association. BTW always chose a trainer that you are hotter than (even if it’s only in your mind)as it helps you to maintain your focus on your body goals.

 

Now the relationship I have with my trainer is borderline abusive/unhealthy at best, but because we communicate a lot (well argue constantly), I understand that he really wants me to get over my “Bullshit excuses” and take my training to another level. There have been times when I think he is on the verge of cuffing me down (but I know God has my back) but I stick around because I need the discipline of an exercise regime drilled into me.  That, plus he’s offered multiple times (first few month of training) to give me back my money as he said he doesn’t need the stress in his life.  That gesture made me know that I don’t have the upper hand with him at all.

 

Anyway, If you still think your trainer has your best interest at heart, then I will say talk to him seriously outside of the gym environment about your expectations from him and his expectations of you. If he’s not willing to listen or even accommodate, then tell Ike that Anna Mae is not eating the cake!

Cats eat cake

Find a new trainer. They are like ants these days ( just all over the place). I can recommend a few to you that will abuse you but in a good way.

 

If you are scared to break it off with the trainer then I recommend the following solutions:

–          Just leave the gym you are in now and find a new one

–          Tell him your boyfriend doesn’t want you training with a pretty boy. If he asks for a name, give him mine. (me aint fraid no PT)

–          Join one of those group training sessions that do workouts in the Savannah, Stadium or on the beach. That way no one will target you specifically and you will be saving money.

Update me on how this break up goes….

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Fitness, Humor, RANT

 

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