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Category Archives: Humor

WEEK 25 – ESTEBAN’S LONG WALK HOME!


  1. There are some days that I have the memory of Dory for activities done within the last 20 -30 minutes, but possess vivid recall for something that happened 10 years ago. SMH!
  2. It’s now over six weeks since the Auto body shop has had all the parts to fix my car delivered and I still don’t have it. I will NEVER EVER recommend TN Auto Body Shop to even my worst enemy. Or maybe I will…… #godistryingtotellmesomething #speaklord #patienceistrulyavirtue #theyoverdoingit
  3. Painted the Burglarproof in the porch on Saturday morning and while people were passing I was just praying for someone to offer to paint it for me. No such luck #reallazy #dontliketopaint #notmyskill
  4. There is a One restaurant in Woodbrook on this Island where the manager was a real asshole to me but because all his workers are illegal immigrants who give good service, I will not say anything.
  5. Why, during the midst of the storm, around midnight did I make curry mango?
  6. Did you know in the Naps Cookbook, curry mango is referred to as Mango Talkarie? #themoreyouknow
  7. It only dawned on me on Wednesday morning that I had not left my house in 3 days. Monday and Tuesday I did not even venture into the yard. #hermitmodeactivated #winteriscoming #bunkerlife
  8. Life is wonderful as long as you have Cheese Paste!
  9. Is it that sofas being sold in Furniture stores in T&T are supposed to look like fabric design vomit?
  10. I swear that all this travelling and fun Shawn Wong is having is just upsetting my spirit! Stay home and suffer like the rest of us nah!
  11. I’ve found two dead chickens in my yard but yet still all other creatures seem to get a free pass. Guess I’m covered if chickens try to take over the world
  12. There comes a point in time when you digging in your pocket for money to pay the taxi driver borders on you trying to feel me up in smart. #cuteyeactivated #sweetcussin321
  13. So the maxi taxi driver that used to wait for me has opted to pass me straight on the road even if he isn’t full. Guess he is using another route now. #feelinghurtiguess #whamtoheboy
  14. Been having serious bouts of insomnia over the past few weeks. It’s amazing what these two dogs do when they think no one is watching. Like Trouble egging Heff on to move bricks so she can go roaming in the street.
  15. TMI: I was shaving while having a shower and realized that I need to pee. Should I rush out the shower and get water all over the bathroom or just do it here? I mopped the bathroom after I changed my clothes. #noeh #notdoingit
 
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Posted by on June 23, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, Uncategorized

 

WEEK 24 – ESTEBAN IS FROM MARS


  1. I think the 30 minute wait for a roti at Don’s should be declared a criminal offence. You must know your daily traffic and volumes by now to fix this problem! But OOOOH the roti tasted GOOD!
  2. Saw the video from Mad Cobra’s “Flex” in a taxi on Saturday night. The driver had a tablet built into his Nissan Sentra dashboard for passenger viewing. I had forgotten how boring that video was.
  3. Had two people, on separate occasions, point out afterwards that the respective cashiers were flirting with me. While I’m so oblivious to most flirting episodes directed me; in hindsight,  I realised that my food orders  on both occasions didn’t reflect any ounce of favoritism. #theywerejustbeingpolite #imeasylikesundaymorning #iputoutforfood
  4. So Trouble has been bullying Heff since his arrival. On Sunday night, they had a fight (Instigated by Trouble, of course) and lo and behold Heff pinned Trouble to the ground briefly and she was in shock. I gave Heff the biggest hug and rub belly for that move. #proudpapa #saynotobullies
  5. Apparently Maxi Drivers don’t take too kindly when you go into another Maxi when they were apparently waiting for you. It’s only been a few weeks, why this man assuming a special friendship? It’s only $5 we are exchanging daily and mild small talk.
  6. I think I bring out the crazy in people. It may be dormant but somehow interacting with me activates this “tick”.
  7. The shock and awe when you realise the Award Winning Actor from 12 Years A Slave, & Doctor Strange (Mordo) – Chiwetel Ejiofor played the Drag Queen Lola in the Movie Kinky Boots.
  8. I’m not gaining weight, however over this week, two of my work trousers ripped in the back. I’m guessing that fitted trouser look is not for me.
  9. Sat in the front passenger seat of a Left Hand Drive Taxi and a Traffic Police officer in St James shouted at me to get off my phone. I stared at him and said “ Do you see a steering wheel near me?”. He tried to give me a “bounce” to try to diffuse the situation.
  10. Benetton staff no longer insult me about not having my size when I go shopping there. This development confuses my low self-esteem. Any recommendations for clothing store that insults their customers?
  11. I was challenged by someone (based on my Sports’ post) to “quit my bitching and man up”. Strange though, since he is the one in Family Court for Child Maintenance.
  12. Saw a woman moisturizing her leg outside the entrance of Rituals St Clair with the Jergens bottle on the table who told me to mind my business as I passed. “Oh so sorry, didn’t realise this was your bedroom!” She let out one scandalous laugh. I wasn’t moved to join in.
  13. People have been asking me if I’m willing to adopt another dog. As a single parent, I cannot afford another one especially since Trouble needs to see a Psychologist and Heff needs to be enrolled in a Sports Camp or gym (that dog lazy!!!).
  14. Little Caesar’s Pizza in Valsayn isn’t bad at all. Wings are cheaper and bigger than those you get at …………….. The pizza is ready in less than 10 mins and it’s not as oily as ……………… or as rubbery as.………… (fill in the gaps)
  15. My PS3 has given me the yellow light of death after 6 years of faithful use. No flowers by request. Monetary donations will accepted and will be forwarded to its favorite charity. ME!!!
 
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Posted by on June 16, 2017 in Emotions, Fitness, Food, Humor, Movies, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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WEEK 23- ESTEBAN IN JUNE


  1. I never knew Mangoes belonged to the list of Laxative Foods. Overdosed on Mangoes on Saturday and was wondering why I was going to the toilet so frequently.
  2. Walked into The St Ann’s Catholic Church on Sunday Morning around 9:30am and walked back out promptly and waited until I saw my hue entering said church. I felt slightly unsafe before. #paranoidmuch #fixmejesus #lordhearus #getout
  3. Haven’t been to a Catholic Mass in over a decade. Seems like they changed up some words as I normally am spot on with the responses during Mass.
  4. Was told I was wrong for letting my dogs acquire the taste for mangoes. “The last thing I need is to be competing with my dogs for any mango that drops from the tree in my yard” uttered Cindy Theroulde. #noshame
  5. SUPPRESSED MEMORY FLASHBACK: Opting not to Travel home with Schoolmates because “Fat Kathy” From Arima Senior Sec was loud and always had something disparaging to tell me and when I answered her back she always wanted to fight with me. I guess it’s decades now that I’m angering people to the point of violence
  6. Maybe I fell asleep the two times I saw Wonder Woman, but to me, it was just okay. It wasn’t brilliant or awesome. Well if compared to other DC movies, then it’s a home run but to me it was “Thor” level good. Plus I got upset every time Steve Trevor put his hand to the back of Diana as if to steer her in a direction.
  7. But Robin Wright/Claire Underwood as Antiope was “LIFE”!
  8. There must be at least a 30 minute cooling off period before one begins work when one has used public transportation. One cannot just jump into work after enduring such an ordeal. You have to refocus your chi, after being around so many different forces.
  9. Facebook must know I don’t like people as I never get these Friend Anniversary notices beyond the ones other people post.
  10. Took a walk last night to clear my head (still car-less) and ended up by KFC St. Lucien Road. I dug in my pockets and realized I only had enough for a Kids Pack. I got no toy with my meal. Sigh….
  11. Saw a picture of Crispy Skin Pork on Damian LukPat Photograpghy’s Instagram page and all of a sudden Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is” started to play in my head.
  12. QUESTION OF THE WEEK: How come people always willing to let you take a “Cheat Day” from your diet but will crucify you for a “Cheat Day” from your spouse? Wouldn’t both scenarios hurt you in the long run?
  13. If I call an UBER, I don’t expect them to be asking me what is the best route to get to my house or even hint to me that they are not familiar with Port Of Spain. That is a Red Flag for me jump out your car and go get a Maxi.
  14. While I appreciate the Maxi Taxi driver that sometimes waits for me on mornings, I don’t need him insisting that I sit in the front seat so he could have a lively debate. It happened the first few times but its still the morning and I’m not accustomed to speaking to anyone til 9am.
  15. House of Cards has made me a serious cynic when watching American Politics. I don’t believe anything anymore.
 
 

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WEEK TWENTY TWO–ESTEBAN’S HORCRUX (May 31st -June 2nd 2017


  1. I let someone use my kitchen to bake some coconut muffins and they used EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY utensil they could find. Not even I knew that I had so many teaspoons and measuring spoons. Afterwards, my kitchen looked like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (too soon?). The two muffins that were left for me tasted awesome though, but my kitchen……I wonder if I qualify for ODPM assistance.(just a joke. Please no calls from ODPM)
  2. I’m realizing that the aversion/inability to wash dishes must be an undiagnosed severe medical condition. Can any Board Certified Physician on my list recommend a course of medicinal treatment?
  3. Why is it that every time I have an important meeting after lunch I make a mess on my shirt? Looks like I need a bib to eat.
  4. How many actual holidays do we have that does not require the entire population to consume Curry as a means celebrating it?
  5. NOTE TO SELF: If you are blocking someone, block them on EVERY social media platform you are on even if you are not friends with them on it.
  6. Spent most of the holiday waiting on a plumber to arrive who took three seconds and declared he needed to come back tomorrow.
  7. Who knew that the Spanish word “ Immigracion” could improve someone’s English drastically when they were previously pretending not to understand what you were saying!
  8. I’m seriously thinking that I need to go into some sort of therapy because I’m just not understanding people and their motivations anymore.
  9. BUFFET PORTION CONTROL: Taking a smaller box to fill with food rather than a larger box with smaller portions of multiple food items inside. #staywoke #nowwoke
  10. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Meko Jade: People need to know how to aim straight when they want to jump out themselves
  11. One can never just eat a single Mango and be satisfied. #troot #staywoke #wheremehmangotreerowley
  12. SIDE NOTE: I’ve tried to plant mango seeds in my yard on many occasions, but Trouble and Heff LOVE mangoes and so they hone in on the site, dig them up and destroy them. You barely find the shell of the mango seed afterwards.
  13. Random Friend: Stef, what you getting me for my birthday?

Me: Same thing you got me for mine

Random Friend: But I didn’t get…..Oh! You are an asshole! You know that right?

(I’m still searching for the reason for her ire!)

  1. So, it seems odd that every other company or person I mentioned in a status has made some form of contact with me after posting, but CRIX aint fart on when I wrote about their odd numbers biscuit packs. Oh well, such is life and maybe it’s a good thing since I no longer consume that product due to my reduced flour intake lifestyle.
  2. I found myself in Paprika last night and while standing around drinking some watered down alcoholic concoction, I realized that I was the old man in the club who should be home sapping his knee with Bayrum instead of smiling with these young people .
 
 

The Search Is Over….


Ever so often, I have a habit of “googling” myself.

It’s mainly done to check to see if there are any scandalous photos, blogs, writings or messages about me somewhere in cyberspace.

Yes, yes I know, I am not THAT important, but once in a while a reality check is required to ensure my ego is grounded in my version of reality.

Nothing much changes everytime I look. Some kid with a helicopter something always seem to be starring with my name.

Then….

Lo and behold I google images of myself and discover this!!
http://mugshots.com/US-Counties/South-Carolina/Unsorted-SC/Stefan-Simmons.8358286.html

There is a Man in South Carolina who has been arrested for a sexual offence that has my name!

http://mugshots.com/US-Counties/South-Carolina/Unsorted-SC/Stefan-Simmons.8358286/details/

We look nothing alike and I am slightly taller with no scars but it is still frightening to think that there is a Stefan Simmons out there that is a sexual offender and therefore ruining a good name!

Alas it is among one of his many aliases but why did he have to choose MY name?

Sigh….

Then a thought got stuck in my head:
Is this an older version of me?

Now let’s look at stuff.
1- I’m still single.
2- Receding Hairline occurring.
3- No Mortgage
4- A Loner
5- Moody

Could things gets so bad that I resort to a life of crime?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Oh Hell NO!

Things will NEVER get that bad with me! Plus he goes by aliases including Mustapha Al…..I know they gonna search me at the airport for this name..Abdul (or something like that).

Ok so I’m gonna give this googling my name a rest for awhile and hopefully this mugshot of this guy will disappear soon.

 
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Posted by on August 6, 2013 in Humor, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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As Good As It Gets!


I was honestly going to let it slide but since my brain can’t let things rest until I have aired it outside of my head, here goes…….

Late Sunday night, I got a Facebook alert telling me someone had mentioned me in a comment. Curious as to why I am being mentioned (plus I like the attention) I looked;

Here is the result:

keron-1
Umm I was shocked at the detail he went into and how personally he took every aspect of the movie. Many things sprung to mind the day after this Facebook post and here are a couple thoughts (some were expressed to him on his page).

• It is a freaking Zombie movie! What part of reality is this based?
• Someone takes my reviews seriously?
• Were there no positive racial tones in the movie? Wait! it’s a FREAKING movie about ZOMBIES!!! WHO CARES?

I read all the comments on his page and only one conclusion came to mind.

People actually take my movie reviews seriously?

I mean, come now, I post three to four sentence dribbles about movies I have seen on my Flixster account and some of those comments may appear on my Facebook page but I really don’t make much out of it. I just see it as one human ranting succinctly on stuff. However, to think that there are people out there who value my opinion on something…well… I feel….honored…even though my opinion is always just that.
MY OPINION! Ebert & Roeper I’m certainly not!

I have been known to be wrong on some occasions, not many, but just a few occasions.

I love movies! Always have, always will. I am one of those children that didn’t play outside much. It’s not that children didn’t want to play with me, there was just so much going on, on TV, in books and in the Cinema!!! Who wants to get sweaty when you can lie down with a good book and a pack of Crix or be in front of the TV with a bag of “Rough Tops” or “Shirley” biscuits, or at the movies with my usual staple: A Large popcorn and a bottle of water! Sigh…the simple pleasures

I just relish what I see on screen and transport myself into each and every world that is displayed. Of course, during the course of my life, I have exhibited behaviour like Keron and therefore expressed my displeasure at either the lack of “black” characters in a movie or the fact that they always die off early. Then I realised, if it’s a good movie, what does it matter? If these things bothered me so much then obviously I should be doing something about it instead of just complaining or boycotting movies.

But I digress….My awakening to how stupid I was being came one day in London while watching De-Lovely with my friend Matthew in one of the Odeon Cinemas. The movie was going really well and I was thoroughly enjoying it and then it happened: Nearing the end of the movie, they snuck in Natalie Cole singing “Every time We Say Goodbye”. At what was supposed to be a poignant and heartfelt moment in the movie, I let out a loud “Steups” and said “this is when they bring the black woman in?” Matthew was not pleased at all and afterwards made me realise that instead of enjoying the movie for what it was, I turned it into something about race, instead of what it was meant to be; a moment to have allergies at up.

I wouldn’t say that from that moment on, I was cured of my affliction, but over time I realised that if I made an effort to see someone’s work on the screen (be it Josh Whedon, M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong, Adam Sandler or gulp Tyler Perry) I deserved to let them tell their story the way they wanted it told. After all it is THEIR story. Afterwards, I would make my usual comments about poor script or plot development or bad acting but I would never bring race into the issue, unless it was blatant like what George Lucas did in the Star Wars Prequels. Then again all those Prequels were bad on so many levels, you realise that all the money he had could not save a big budget disappointment.

Now I can expound on the virtues of loving yourself and understanding your place in the universe or ensuring that people create positive images for young children to look up to but that is not my place.

My place is as a viewer. To drink the “kool aid’ on screen and if it doesn’t agree with me, then so be it!

As I look over World War Z in my mind, for what it was it still isn’t a bad movie. I may not have agreed with some choices made by the director but the movie was entertaining. I loved that they chose to make the zombies fast paced and manic. It set my heart racing and well, my bladder could not hold the 32 oz drink for the entire movie, since my stomach contracted way too many times during certain scenes. I would definitely watch it again.

While Keron sought to highlight every bad decision people made in the movie using black characters, he somehow failed to see the bad other races (Well only Caucasians as he put it) did or even asked himself if he would have made a similar choice if he was in that particular situation.

SPOILER ALERT: I too would’ve made the same choice the Deputy Secretary General of the UN made once I thought Brad Pitt’s character was dead. Why was I keeping them on the ship taking up space? He transported them to a secure facility in Canada and not back to a zombie infested city!

So what if the black police officer decided to get some groceries too in the midst of chaos, is his family supposed to go hungry while the entire world goes crazy? At least he didn’t try to kill anyone like the Caucasian man was doing to Brad Pitt’s wife. Steups, why am I justifying a zombie movie!!

It irks me when people get all black conscious in a movie when those same people would sit through a stinking Tyler Perry movie that does nothing to uplift the image of black people beyond the stereotypes of being people who pray a lot after cussing out everyone for the first half of the movie (Sorry that’s called redemption). Every so-called heroine in a Tyler Perry movie needs a man to save her! Why is that? I just don’t get it!

At some point we need to get over ourselves. If we are not the agent for change in our lives then don’t expect others to do it for us!. If you cannot handle or like the way black characters are handled in movies then DON’T WATCH THEM!!! It is always going to upset you.

I am not saying to be totally blind but at some point your decisions have to be either to avoid these things that offend you or DO something about it or just grin and bear it.

I leave you all with a quote from a character called Melvin Udall from the movie  “As Good As It Gets”! Yes the movie had a low minority presence and the woman he said this line to was Latina (but it didn’t offend me).

“Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here!”

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2013 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, Movies, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Breaking The Law


Breaking The Law

So there I was, stuck in traffic entering Diego Martin. Traffic is moving really slow and so I pick up my blackberry to check an email I just got from the office. I was reading it and getting really angry by its contents when all of a sudden I looked up and realised that a police woman was stopping traffic. She then turned to me and directed me to pull to the side of the road.

Ugh!! Are you serious? She is pulling me to side? I can’t believe this!

So I park and she walks up to the car window with her arms crossed and says:

PW: I can’t believe you were doing what you were doing?

Me: *silence*

PW: I was shocked that you didn’t even realise there was a police presence around you

Me: *silence*

PW: May I have your documents please

Me: Sure.

 

I reached inside my glove compartment and pulled everything out for her. She took them and walked back to her vehicle.

I guess you were wondering about my silence? Umm what was I going to say? I know when I’m beaten and I wasn’t taking a chance to answer in any form of a tone so that I may be carted off to jail because I was sarcastic or something. My brain kept telling me: “Hush Boy!” “Hush yuh mouth!”. Don’t speak!

After she entered her vehicle, every expletive I can think of starts flooding my mind as I am totally upset with myself for this infraction. I sit there and I can’t seem to recall what is the new fine for being on your phone while driving? I seem to think it is between $2000 and $5000. I of course calculate these things in lost CD purchases and then I realise that I might be eating Crix and drinking water for the rest of the month when I get this ticket.

She returns to my car and hands me back my license and insurance.

PW: Sir, is the address on your Driver’s Permit your correct address?

Me: Yes Maam

PW: Ok, then you will receive a summons in the mail

Me: A Summons? No no no no no no no.

PW: How yuh feeling now!

Me: No! what happened to the ticket? Why can’t I get a ticket? (my lips are squivering here!)

PW: Well sir, we do not have any books to issue tickets so you will get a summons in the mail

Me: That means I have to appear in front of a magistrate and stand in the criminal box at the court house?

PW: How yuh feeling now

Me: Like a Cunumunu!

PW: Ah ha. Yuh see! Now was that phone call that important?

Me: I wasn’t talking on the phone but reading an email. Traffic had not moved in awhile and so I started to read it

PW: An email!! Oh this makes it even worse! Can I see your phone?

Me: Sure! But why?

PW: I want to see if you responded to the email.

Me: I had not!

She takes my phone and looks at it and then returns it back to me.

PW: Well sir! You will now know not to drive and text.

Me: Umm is there any chance I can get a ticket? Can I drive you to the station to get a ticket book or something?

PW: (laughs) You funny yes! Unfortunately there are no ticket books and that is why you are getting a summons

Me: Just my luck! I am going to be embarrassed for all eternity

PW: I know how you feel. I had to appear before one two years ago because I decide to park next to a “No Parking” sign and I am supposed to know better. None of us are above the law

Me: I understand that but I just rather not have to go before a judge and feel worse than I already am at this point.

PW: Well sir, that’s how it is! Do have a good day!

Me: Thank you Officer…

PW: Beckles. Officer Beckles.

Me: Thank you Officer Beckles. I guess we will see each other again in court?

PW: I doubt it but make sure the next time I see you it is not for this offence!

Me: Yes Maam. Have a good weekend

PW: You too!

And there you have it folks. I am officially a criminal!

Feel free to pass me straight in the road.

I will keep you updated when I get the summons and when I have to go to court, but after this experience, my weekend was just “Bleh”!

And would you beleive that I caught myself text at a traffic light the next day and almost jumped out of my skin! Smh! We criminals never learn!

How was your weekend?

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2013 in Emotions, Humor, RANT

 

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