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Category Archives: Humor

Basket Case

Basket Case

Have you seen someone you hadn’t seen in ages and all of a sudden a repressed memory re-surfaces and scares you? 

Here’s my tale.

In a Galaxy far far away. In a time where Gods roamed amongst us, there was a young lad that was loved by all and was always invited to every event possible. That no longer happens to the person but he isn’t bitter or angry with these so –called friends and their “married people/couples limes” with the multiple of…… . Sigh ok I’m digressing here and sounding bitter. Focus!!

Anyway, in this alternate universe, he was invited by a co-worker to a celebratory event at his home. (I’m being vague here just so that anyone familiar with the event will have a hard time recalling same). The event was of a Thanksgiving nature. His parents were celebrating the success of all of their children completing tertiary education, some with multiple degrees. Now, I wasn’t the only one from the office that was invited but most everyone else decided to carpool. I opted to drive there on my own.

Anyway I got there at a decent time and mingled with everyone but stayed mainly within the confines of the people that I knew. 

The speeches started an hour later and began with the Patriarch speaking on behalf of the family and listing out the accomplishments of the children. There were loads of cheers and toasting at this point. Then a close family member came up to speak and he also echoed the sentiments of the father and then added the gem of a phrase that this family always made the :indigenous choice” when it came to finding companionship.

I jumped slightly at the phrase “indigenous choice” but smiled it off and toasted like everyone else.

 

Each of the children spoke afterwards and basically thanked their parents for instilling the proper work ethic and values within them. That part was hella touching. Then came the fiancé of one of the siblings who spoke and proclaimed how happy he was to be invited into the family and how much he was in love. Before he ended his speech, he uttered “Oh and as you can see, she made the indigenous choice”. 

A loud deafening boom entered my ears and pervaded my mindscape.

Everyone else laughed and some howled with laughter.

Me?

Well I grinned and for the first time I quickly surveyed the room and realized that…. Gulp.. I was alone. There was no one else like me there. I looked at my co-workers and realized the same thing. I was the only one!

No one else there was as “handsome” as I. 

How could that be? 

Why would they single me out to attend this event?

Then the voice of Oda Mae Brown filled my head : Molly, you in danger, girl!


I will not say that I departed immediately but I began to feel slightly uncomfortable even though everyone I spoke to at the event acted normal and to a large extent was only laughing at my jokes.

So when the speeches ended and the food was served (yuh must be mad to think I was leaving there hungry), I hung around for another half hour and then feigned a previous commitment (having to pick up my mother and sister from an alleged prayer meeting) and left.

I never spoke about my feelings/fears to anyone from work, but I mentioned the awkwardness to a couple people and was told that I was being my usual paranoid self.

What are your thoughts? 

What do you think?

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

  1. Asking for God’s help when you are chairing the High Council of Evil is a bit off in my books. #jesussaves #fixmejesus
  2. You are confused as to why you are not getting more Instagram likes when your profile is filled with the same selfie pose? Maybe you are just ugly and everybody but you knows it. #fixmejesus
  3. “You bring your whole camera to this bicycle thing on the avenue?” Well bringing just the lens to the event didn’t make sense. #ichbinvonidiotenumgeben #imsurroundedbyidiots
  4. I know it’s for charity, but charging me $5 for FIVE small pholourie should be an indictable offense subject to mandatory jail time! #justsaying
  5. I played your punch board game and made certain picks, only to realise the paper tells me “ You have a chance at winning a prize” TEEF MUCH?
  6. Charging me $25 for a palette to transport an item and when it arrives the item is on bricks is just not cool. Not cool. However, I realise that the bricks costs more than a palette so we’ll let this incident slide.
  7. Please stop suggesting people that I should consider dating. My hate club is continually growing and I’m trying for it not to be registered as a Medium sized band for Carnival.
  8. The “Perpetually pregnant” dog in the neighbourhood had pups and one wandered into my yard and got viciously barked away by Trouble. Heff couldn’t be bothered.
  9. “Yuh get fat boy!!” – You try taking public transportation for a few months and see if you don’t stress eat at the mere thought of traveling.
  10. “You real bitter boy!!” Just call me “Carailli”!!
 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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DEAR ESTEBAN – IS DATING YOU EASY?

DEAR ESTEBAN – IS DATING YOU EASY?

Dear Esteban,

Pleasant Good Morning to you.

I really love your posts and I’m always asking my friend if you’ve post anything recently. You is one ass we. You does make me real laugh. We don’t know each other and we  not Facebook friends as you may have guess  already.  I want to know if someone was interested in going out with you how would they go about doing it? I know you will be honest with your response .

Signed

Hello It’s Me…..


Dear Hello It’s Me,

Brain Clutter clearing in 5,4,3,2,1…

  • “Pleasant Good morning” is a greeting I find annoying as it is used particularly by people who normally have no manners but  are trying to impress someone that they need something from. So “Good Morning” is a sufficient greeting.
  • ” You is one ass we” – I am guessing you’ve never been exposed to French or Patois?.
  • It seems that you and the Past tense are warring.
  • I want to believe you have sadistic tendencies since you ( even remotely) want to consider dating me.

So…How does one go about dating me?

YOU DON’T!

Walk away! Walk away fast, not slowly.

Save yourself and your sanity and leave me alone.

I’ve seen this movie way too many times and I can safely say it doesn’t end well. Not Empire Strikes Back cliffhanger good but more Frutvale Station sad ending.  It always starts off nice and easy, where we talk and chat constantly for a few days  and then I will go silent and you will assume I’m either ignoring you or seeing someone else, when I would’ve explained during our conversations that I like “alone” time and space. Worse yet, you started trying to tweak/alter my life and you are met with silence.

Let’s face it, at my age, I’m set in my ways and any attempt to try and change or alter me will be met with long term resistance.  Conformity will happen in the short run but in the long run (meaning at maximum 3 months later), you will be calling friends for advice and the words “idiot”, “selfish” “jackass”and “asshole” will become commonplace in your vocabulary when asked to describe me.

I know what you are thinking: What kind of girls did he date? I’m not like that at all.

Well they all said the same thing and lo and behold a big steups comes over their lips at the mere sight or mention of me. Or worse yet, they hide behind spouses or change direction mid stride if I’m spotted a mile away.  Alas, there are various stages of emotion one goes through after dating me.

Now please note that there is no lasting hatred for me as I am as lovable and genuine as they come but know this:

If you date me, your next relationship will be awesome. I mean you may either find your husband or that long term long lasting relationship you so always desired. I haven’t met an ex yet that isn’t happily married or in the best relationship possible since I exited their romantic life.

I’m a little bit like that movie Good Luck Chuck…(minus the sex part)

No matter what psychological theory you can come up with based on this blog, just know that I’m happy with my godchildren, friends, immediate family and two dogs.

I’m really good.

Please stay away!

If something causes you to change your mind, just know that i will chronicle the experience and share it on social media, so be prepared when people start putting two and two together and get FIVE!

ESTEBAN OVER & OUT

you-re-warned-now-stay-away

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT, Relationships

 

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DEAR ESTEBAN – HOT TRAINER WOES

DEAR ESTEBAN – HOT TRAINER WOES

My Darling Esteban,

I see that you have had a Personal Trainer for a while now and it seems to be working out for you.

How do you know if your trainer hates you or not? I think mine hates me immensely. I’ve been with him for about 3 months now and he ignores me most times and never corrects my form and if he does its loud enough for the entire gym to hear. I’m not one for confrontation but if he’s never shown me the proper form, how does he expect me to get it?  It’s really embarrassing now and I try to just play it off, but its getting to be too much now.

What should I do? I’m conflicted here

Oh and did I mention that he is really really really HOT?

Honestly what should I do?

Signed Money Jumping Up

—————————————————————

Dear Money Jumping Up,

Quick Question: When you chose this Personal Trainer, were you looking for a man or for someone to actually help you with your fitness goals?

 

It sounds as if you chose him for his looks and hoped that by association he would eventually:

·         Give you piece

·         Touch you up

·         Become your boyfriend

·         Be something more…

All in all, I want to believe you chose him for the wrong reasons. Right now you are in an abusive relationship where you are paying the abuser and reaping no benefits/perks through this association. BTW always chose a trainer that you are hotter than (even if it’s only in your mind)as it helps you to maintain your focus on your body goals.

 

Now the relationship I have with my trainer is borderline abusive/unhealthy at best, but because we communicate a lot (well argue constantly), I understand that he really wants me to get over my “Bullshit excuses” and take my training to another level. There have been times when I think he is on the verge of cuffing me down (but I know God has my back) but I stick around because I need the discipline of an exercise regime drilled into me.  That, plus he’s offered multiple times (first few month of training) to give me back my money as he said he doesn’t need the stress in his life.  That gesture made me know that I don’t have the upper hand with him at all.

 

Anyway, If you still think your trainer has your best interest at heart, then I will say talk to him seriously outside of the gym environment about your expectations from him and his expectations of you. If he’s not willing to listen or even accommodate, then tell Ike that Anna Mae is not eating the cake!

Cats eat cake

Find a new trainer. They are like ants these days ( just all over the place). I can recommend a few to you that will abuse you but in a good way.

 

If you are scared to break it off with the trainer then I recommend the following solutions:

–          Just leave the gym you are in now and find a new one

–          Tell him your boyfriend doesn’t want you training with a pretty boy. If he asks for a name, give him mine. (me aint fraid no PT)

–          Join one of those group training sessions that do workouts in the Savannah, Stadium or on the beach. That way no one will target you specifically and you will be saving money.

Update me on how this break up goes….

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Fitness, Humor, RANT

 

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ESTEBAN’S PSEUDO INTERVENTION

ESTEBAN’S PSEUDO INTERVENTION

Hi Everyone,

My name is Stefan and I’m an addict.  It’s been ummm….*mumbles* since my last….

Sigh.. let me just tell you my story:

—————-

So a wake up call came last night while attending a really enjoyable play called “Better, Better Village” that I may have totally backslidden from my no flour ways.

Like a true addict, you know that you’ve relapsed but you tell yourself that you have it under control and that it won’t be as bad as the last time.

Then the following things happened:

  • Lady passes with a tray of Accra balls with a mango dipping sauce and tells me have as many as I want. I had 6.
  • I partook in some very tasty corn soup but was annoyed by the amount of corn in the cup and the way it prevented me from accessing the lovely dumplings at the bottom. I threw most of the corn away to get to the 3 small soft but tasty dumplings.
  • There was cake/sweetbread (I couldn’t tell as I didn’t care to discern) and with each bite I felt joy in my heart.
  • While eating said item above, King Michael Anthony passes and in his perpetually shade ridden tone he utters ” I thought u not supposed to be eating flour”

At that point, I realised that I had a problem as I couldn’t utter a witty response to him due to the level of shame filling me.

 

So I finished off the sweetbread and the sugar cake in the party bag and made a vow to resume my “no flour” diet soon.

NB: hey I could’ve lied and said that I was going to do it right away but I need to clear my fridge of some items over this weekend and I’ll possibly enter rehab on Monday.

Thank you for listening.

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Food, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 36: ESTEBAN IN THE MIST

WEEK 36: ESTEBAN IN THE MIST

  1. People have no idea what islands make up the Lesser Antilles far less the entire Caribbean!
  2. Apparently a lot of people on my Facebook page failed Geography. Either that or PNM/UNC governments denied them access to an Atlas of the Caribbean during their formative years
  3. So….. everyone in love with the Brian Lara Cricket Academy now?
  4. It’s not that I don’t like you, but I’m just all about practicing the Psalm 1:1 when I’m around you.
  5. Facebook doesn’t like the Caribbean region. You mean to say not one person there decided to do an algorithm so Caribbean Facebook users can mark themselves safe after Hurricane Irma?
  6. A 17 year old girl tried flirting with me this week. I thanked her for her compliments and told her to find someone else willing to make a jail for her advances.
  7. I’ve been without my Ipad Air for over 4 days as it stopped charging and I sent it to fix. I don’t know what to do with myself as my progression in Angry Birds Friends is now in jeopardy and this will be the first week I am not on top of my Leaderboard.
  8. I got an Honorable Mention for a photo I submitted to local Photo Competition. Still not sure how I feel about it as I am a sore loser.
  9. I’m not an accomplished singer or actor but I can definitely tell when someone thinks too highly of their talent, especially when they shouldn’t.
  10. Someone recommended that I use Activated Charcoal pills to detox my system. I had to remind them that those pills are used to help treat a Drug Overdose or some type of poisoning. They reminded me that my cooking may be considered poisonous to other people. Touché
  11. Apparently the work server blocked my blog page citing it that it may be a “malicious” website. In the true sense of the word “malicious”, I can’t argue there, but in internet speak, I’m insulted.
  12. Just got the invoice from Best Auto on my Car’s Service Maintenance, and I’m happy to announce that you can book my services via my FB Messenger inbox. It’s not month end so Murray Street will not be rewarding at this time.
  13. In relation to the above point please note that :Two’s Company and Three is TT$4,000.00
  14. The production value of a K2K band launch is unrivalled within the market. These people know how to do a launch!
 
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Posted by on September 8, 2017 in Entertainment, Humor, Photography, RANT

 

ESTEBAN AND THE BAD DIETING TIPS


  1. Grapefruit is slimming. Steups…the level of cuss I wanna put on this person eh
  2. Drink Apple Cider Vinegar and Water to lose belly fat – It would’ve been better if they asked me to be bullemic . Could barely swallow it.
  3. Cut all sugar out of your diet and reintroduce it slowly after a month. – I can’t take any more calls from HR on my attitude
  4. Do not eat after 7pm. – I’m not even hungry at 7!
  5. Go to bed early.  – Is Midnight early enough because I can never fall asleep before then?
  6. If hungry late at night, drink water to curb your appetite. – And then I wake up two or three times to “pee” due to a full bladder
  7. Eat small portions every two hours. – Umm I have a real job and a busy work schedule . I can’t be telling my boss I need to go eat in the midst of a meeting.
  8. Stop eating Peanut Butter – Steups if loving PB is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!!!
  9. Start counting calories – Steups…..One calorie (gulp), two calories (slurp)…..
  10. Replace a meal with a Slim Fast Drink – How about I just slap you now?
  11. Herbalife – All this money and the product barely lasting two weeks?
  12. Have Ramen Noodles at least twice a day instead of a regular meal. – I’m guessing Hypertension is a preferred dieting state.
  13. Drink Diet Soda instead of regular soda. – I’ve never seen a slim or fit person order a diet anything
  14. Do a cleanse to lose weight. – Overdosed once (or maybe twice) on a laxative and only lost time after knocking out on the toilet.
  15. Drink loads of water if you’ve had something sweet. – Ok this is what I tell myself as I think the water dilutes the sugar.
  16. Give up Pork! – SDA, Rastas, vegetarians and JWs already don’t eat it. Only one grouping in that list doesn’t contain fat people and we all know why they are so skinny.
  17. Snack on almonds if you are hungry between meals. – Does an Almond Joy count? Because almonds are expensive for me to snacking on it often.
  18. Chew your all your meats, but don’t swallow it. – What’s the point here?
  19. Cook all your meals. Don’t eat out! – Have you tasted my cooking? No? That means you are still alive.
  20. Let Roti become a once a month treat. – I’m not on allowing this kind of negativity in my life
 
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Posted by on September 7, 2017 in Entertainment, Fitness, Food, Humor, RANT

 

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