- There are some days that I have the memory of Dory for activities done within the last 20 -30 minutes, but possess vivid recall for something that happened 10 years ago. SMH!
- It’s now over six weeks since the Auto body shop has had all the parts to fix my car delivered and I still don’t have it. I will NEVER EVER recommend TN Auto Body Shop to even my worst enemy. Or maybe I will…… #godistryingtotellmesomething #speaklord #patienceistrulyavirtue #theyoverdoingit
- Painted the Burglarproof in the porch on Saturday morning and while people were passing I was just praying for someone to offer to paint it for me. No such luck #reallazy #dontliketopaint #notmyskill
- There is a One restaurant in Woodbrook on this Island where the manager was a real asshole to me but because all his workers are illegal immigrants who give good service, I will not say anything.
- Why, during the midst of the storm, around midnight did I make curry mango?
- Did you know in the Naps Cookbook, curry mango is referred to as Mango Talkarie? #themoreyouknow
- It only dawned on me on Wednesday morning that I had not left my house in 3 days. Monday and Tuesday I did not even venture into the yard. #hermitmodeactivated #winteriscoming #bunkerlife
- Life is wonderful as long as you have Cheese Paste!
- Is it that sofas being sold in Furniture stores in T&T are supposed to look like fabric design vomit?
- I swear that all this travelling and fun Shawn Wong is having is just upsetting my spirit! Stay home and suffer like the rest of us nah!
- I’ve found two dead chickens in my yard but yet still all other creatures seem to get a free pass. Guess I’m covered if chickens try to take over the world
- There comes a point in time when you digging in your pocket for money to pay the taxi driver borders on you trying to feel me up in smart. #cuteyeactivated #sweetcussin321
- So the maxi taxi driver that used to wait for me has opted to pass me straight on the road even if he isn’t full. Guess he is using another route now. #feelinghurtiguess #whamtoheboy
- Been having serious bouts of insomnia over the past few weeks. It’s amazing what these two dogs do when they think no one is watching. Like Trouble egging Heff on to move bricks so she can go roaming in the street.
- TMI: I was shaving while having a shower and realized that I need to pee. Should I rush out the shower and get water all over the bathroom or just do it here? I mopped the bathroom after I changed my clothes. #noeh #notdoingit
Category Archives: Uncategorized
- I think the 30 minute wait for a roti at Don’s should be declared a criminal offence. You must know your daily traffic and volumes by now to fix this problem! But OOOOH the roti tasted GOOD!
- Saw the video from Mad Cobra’s “Flex” in a taxi on Saturday night. The driver had a tablet built into his Nissan Sentra dashboard for passenger viewing. I had forgotten how boring that video was.
- Had two people, on separate occasions, point out afterwards that the respective cashiers were flirting with me. While I’m so oblivious to most flirting episodes directed me; in hindsight, I realised that my food orders on both occasions didn’t reflect any ounce of favoritism. #theywerejustbeingpolite #imeasylikesundaymorning #iputoutforfood
- So Trouble has been bullying Heff since his arrival. On Sunday night, they had a fight (Instigated by Trouble, of course) and lo and behold Heff pinned Trouble to the ground briefly and she was in shock. I gave Heff the biggest hug and rub belly for that move. #proudpapa #saynotobullies
- Apparently Maxi Drivers don’t take too kindly when you go into another Maxi when they were apparently waiting for you. It’s only been a few weeks, why this man assuming a special friendship? It’s only $5 we are exchanging daily and mild small talk.
- I think I bring out the crazy in people. It may be dormant but somehow interacting with me activates this “tick”.
- The shock and awe when you realise the Award Winning Actor from 12 Years A Slave, & Doctor Strange (Mordo) – Chiwetel Ejiofor played the Drag Queen Lola in the Movie Kinky Boots.
- I’m not gaining weight, however over this week, two of my work trousers ripped in the back. I’m guessing that fitted trouser look is not for me.
- Sat in the front passenger seat of a Left Hand Drive Taxi and a Traffic Police officer in St James shouted at me to get off my phone. I stared at him and said “ Do you see a steering wheel near me?”. He tried to give me a “bounce” to try to diffuse the situation.
- Benetton staff no longer insult me about not having my size when I go shopping there. This development confuses my low self-esteem. Any recommendations for clothing store that insults their customers?
- I was challenged by someone (based on my Sports’ post) to “quit my bitching and man up”. Strange though, since he is the one in Family Court for Child Maintenance.
- Saw a woman moisturizing her leg outside the entrance of Rituals St Clair with the Jergens bottle on the table who told me to mind my business as I passed. “Oh so sorry, didn’t realise this was your bedroom!” She let out one scandalous laugh. I wasn’t moved to join in.
- People have been asking me if I’m willing to adopt another dog. As a single parent, I cannot afford another one especially since Trouble needs to see a Psychologist and Heff needs to be enrolled in a Sports Camp or gym (that dog lazy!!!).
- Little Caesar’s Pizza in Valsayn isn’t bad at all. Wings are cheaper and bigger than those you get at …………….. The pizza is ready in less than 10 mins and it’s not as oily as ……………… or as rubbery as.………… (fill in the gaps)
- My PS3 has given me the yellow light of death after 6 years of faithful use. No flowers by request. Monetary donations will accepted and will be forwarded to its favorite charity. ME!!!
- I never knew Mangoes belonged to the list of Laxative Foods. Overdosed on Mangoes on Saturday and was wondering why I was going to the toilet so frequently.
- Walked into The St Ann’s Catholic Church on Sunday Morning around 9:30am and walked back out promptly and waited until I saw my hue entering said church. I felt slightly unsafe before. #paranoidmuch #fixmejesus #lordhearus #getout
- Haven’t been to a Catholic Mass in over a decade. Seems like they changed up some words as I normally am spot on with the responses during Mass.
- Was told I was wrong for letting my dogs acquire the taste for mangoes. “The last thing I need is to be competing with my dogs for any mango that drops from the tree in my yard” uttered Cindy Theroulde. #noshame
- SUPPRESSED MEMORY FLASHBACK: Opting not to Travel home with Schoolmates because “Fat Kathy” From Arima Senior Sec was loud and always had something disparaging to tell me and when I answered her back she always wanted to fight with me. I guess it’s decades now that I’m angering people to the point of violence
- Maybe I fell asleep the two times I saw Wonder Woman, but to me, it was just okay. It wasn’t brilliant or awesome. Well if compared to other DC movies, then it’s a home run but to me it was “Thor” level good. Plus I got upset every time Steve Trevor put his hand to the back of Diana as if to steer her in a direction.
- But Robin Wright/Claire Underwood as Antiope was “LIFE”!
- There must be at least a 30 minute cooling off period before one begins work when one has used public transportation. One cannot just jump into work after enduring such an ordeal. You have to refocus your chi, after being around so many different forces.
- Facebook must know I don’t like people as I never get these Friend Anniversary notices beyond the ones other people post.
- Took a walk last night to clear my head (still car-less) and ended up by KFC St. Lucien Road. I dug in my pockets and realized I only had enough for a Kids Pack. I got no toy with my meal. Sigh….
- Saw a picture of Crispy Skin Pork on Damian LukPat Photograpghy’s Instagram page and all of a sudden Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is” started to play in my head.
- QUESTION OF THE WEEK: How come people always willing to let you take a “Cheat Day” from your diet but will crucify you for a “Cheat Day” from your spouse? Wouldn’t both scenarios hurt you in the long run?
- If I call an UBER, I don’t expect them to be asking me what is the best route to get to my house or even hint to me that they are not familiar with Port Of Spain. That is a Red Flag for me jump out your car and go get a Maxi.
- While I appreciate the Maxi Taxi driver that sometimes waits for me on mornings, I don’t need him insisting that I sit in the front seat so he could have a lively debate. It happened the first few times but its still the morning and I’m not accustomed to speaking to anyone til 9am.
- House of Cards has made me a serious cynic when watching American Politics. I don’t believe anything anymore.
- I let someone use my kitchen to bake some coconut muffins and they used EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY utensil they could find. Not even I knew that I had so many teaspoons and measuring spoons. Afterwards, my kitchen looked like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (too soon?). The two muffins that were left for me tasted awesome though, but my kitchen……I wonder if I qualify for ODPM assistance.(just a joke. Please no calls from ODPM)
- I’m realizing that the aversion/inability to wash dishes must be an undiagnosed severe medical condition. Can any Board Certified Physician on my list recommend a course of medicinal treatment?
- Why is it that every time I have an important meeting after lunch I make a mess on my shirt? Looks like I need a bib to eat.
- How many actual holidays do we have that does not require the entire population to consume Curry as a means celebrating it?
- NOTE TO SELF: If you are blocking someone, block them on EVERY social media platform you are on even if you are not friends with them on it.
- Spent most of the holiday waiting on a plumber to arrive who took three seconds and declared he needed to come back tomorrow.
- Who knew that the Spanish word “ Immigracion” could improve someone’s English drastically when they were previously pretending not to understand what you were saying!
- I’m seriously thinking that I need to go into some sort of therapy because I’m just not understanding people and their motivations anymore.
- BUFFET PORTION CONTROL: Taking a smaller box to fill with food rather than a larger box with smaller portions of multiple food items inside. #staywoke #nowwoke
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Meko Jade: People need to know how to aim straight when they want to jump out themselves
- One can never just eat a single Mango and be satisfied. #troot #staywoke #wheremehmangotreerowley
- SIDE NOTE: I’ve tried to plant mango seeds in my yard on many occasions, but Trouble and Heff LOVE mangoes and so they hone in on the site, dig them up and destroy them. You barely find the shell of the mango seed afterwards.
- Random Friend: Stef, what you getting me for my birthday?
Me: Same thing you got me for mine
Random Friend: But I didn’t get…..Oh! You are an asshole! You know that right?
(I’m still searching for the reason for her ire!)
- So, it seems odd that every other company or person I mentioned in a status has made some form of contact with me after posting, but CRIX aint fart on when I wrote about their odd numbers biscuit packs. Oh well, such is life and maybe it’s a good thing since I no longer consume that product due to my reduced flour intake lifestyle.
- I found myself in Paprika last night and while standing around drinking some watered down alcoholic concoction, I realized that I was the old man in the club who should be home sapping his knee with Bayrum instead of smiling with these young people .
I was accosted in public about a week ago by a young lady who had a problem with my blogs and the fact that I seem to paint a picture that all women are deranged and that I am just a hopeless soul, who gets tangled up in their “web of crazy”.
I immediately corrected her and let her know that in each instance of crazy that I had the opportunity to stop the progression of events, but my desire to have fun in my life seems to override this default setting.
“Then maybe you should write about YOUR instances of craziness towards women!”
I said I’d think about.
HOW DARE SHE!
How dare she assume I have crazy moments? How dare she ask to me paint a less than stellar picture of myself into cyberspace for everyone to judge?
Then I remembered: “Oh yeah I don’t care what most people think of me”
There was a time when people’s opinions mattered and I always found myself in some kind of quandary. I was always trying to figure out how I am going to please these people or how I was going to make their opinions of me correct. But like a fart, that desire passed and boy was it a stinker coming out! Anyway, that for another therapy session blog!…
So I thought about my moments of non-clarity. My moments when I either took a leap and fell on my ass or when I had leave of my senses and just went with my flow.
Here are two stories for your amusement::
DRIVE BY – A LOVE STORY
Picture this! St Augustine, 1999! I am “dating” this girl for a few months but we have not made it official. Well in my mind its official as I was spending enough time calling, texting and hanging out to consider this “serious”. In hindsight, I may have jumped the gun.
Anyway, there came a point in time when all of sudden she wasn’t returning my calls as frequently as before and she made a habit of cancelling our outings at the last minute. I sought counsel from friends. A “female” friend, suggested that I sit and have a talk with her and sort stuff out, while a male friend suggested that I play Private Investigator and get to the bottom of the matter. Can you guess which advice I used?
So I had made plans for us to double date with another couple to go see a play at the Central Bank auditorium. And while all week she was “gung ho” with the idea, three hours before the date , she calls and cancels and says that she isn’t feeling well.
Guess what I did?
- I left her alone for the night so she could rest
- I got medication for her and dropped it off
- I went to the play without her
- I did something irrational
If your answer was A,B or C, then I suggest you stop reading. If your answer was D, then read on.
I borrowed a friend’s car and parked at the top of her street around 6pm. Her car was parked outside so I knew that she had intentions of going back out. I just wanted to know where and with whom.
At 7:12pm, a green Nissan Sentra pulled up and a guy honked his horn and 3-5 minutes later, she emerged and got into the car and they drove off.
I drove behind them straight to Arima where they parked and started to walk to Windsor Cinema holding hands.(Who goes to Cinema in Arima?”
“My first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo.
Whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you…..
So instead, I chilled. That’s right I chilled”
When they were on the same side with the Cinema, I drove up and honked my horn and called out to her. She turned around, saw me and strangely enough he looked stunned but not her..
“Hey, I’m glad I saw you! I won’t be able to make the lime tomorrow. So just let everybody know ok?
“Yeah. Uh huh” she replied in a quivering voice.
And I drove off. (to around the corner).
As soon I was sure that they were safely inside, I punctured one of his tyres and went to get back my car.
I spent the night shaking. Not in fear but from the rush of everything that I did.
No one called me about the car tyre and she and I never spoke after that. Well I never responded to her calls.
So this is my confession of cowardice!!STALKING-
Facebook and Instagram has made it extremely easy to stalk people from afar without fear of being detected. The only thing you need to be cognizant of:
If you ever meet them in real life: PRETEND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
So what if you are on their page constantly and now know their siblings and parents’ names or the name of their best friend… KEEP IT TOO YOURSELF.
I have two people in my life that I secretly refer to as “The Registry”. Reason being: all I have to do is given them a name, school attended or a picture and I can get a brief history of the person. The age of the internet has seriously diminished their usefulness but like a Public library, I think they have found creative ways to still be relevant in these times.
Anyway, back to story.
HI5 was all the rage and there she was…sly smile, discreet photos with family members and friends. There was nothing flamboyant or untoward about her. She just looked beautiful. She looked like someone who could get my Bank PIN.
I sent a friend request and it was ignored. Of course it would be, she did not know me from Adam, but I had a plan. An ill-conceived plan but a plan no less
“The Registry” came up with where she worked and it happened to be in “Town” and not too far from my office. Good Start.
So one day I found myself leaving my desk and taking a walk in her office’s direction. I ended up inside but could not get beyond the Receptionist. No problem. Minor set back. I called her desk from my phone and realised she was on lunch. So I sat on the Promenade and waited til she would pass back.
While sitting there and looking around at everyone passing by, then it suddenly hit me:
WHAT DE ASS YUH DOING?
Nothing… I’m just taking a breather!
GO BACK TO WORK IDIOT! YUH KNOW THIS IS STALKING RIGHT??
No it isn’t. I’m just waiting to catch a glance of someone I like.
WHOM YOU DON’T KNOW!
Yeah but it’s not like if I’m gonna walk up to her now or anything.
NO SERIOUSLY! GO BACK TO WORK!
In a minute. I just wanna see her in person…..
WOULD JESUS APPROVE OF THIS?
And with that realization, I got up and walked back to work. I looked around slowly to see if I would see her but no such luck.
Two years later, I’m at a friend’s wedding and there she is sitting a couple tables away , with no visible signs of having a date. I avoid eye contact for most of the night.
Heading to the bar a little later, we bounce up there. (I was at the bar first eh)
I turn to her:
(I go silent again)
Umm where do I know your face from?
Umm I sent you a friend request on Hi5 like two years ago but you ignored it.
No I don’t think that’s it! (confused look on her face).
(I laugh nervously and loudly then I stand there in silence wishing for an epileptic seizure to save me from putting my foot in my mouth)
Oh I remember, you are on that show on Gayelle!….
Oh yeah ( dies a little inside) Kinda.
The bald head guy is really sexy! I would love to meet him.
Oh ok.. well you all might bounce up since you go hiking a lot.(and then I change the foot in my mouth)
How do you know that?
Sorry someone is calling me. I’ll be right back.
Hear nah! I left that wedding faster than a vagrant with a valid BBQ ticket or Usain in an Olympic 100 metre dash. I just prayed that she spoke to no one at the wedding about our conversation.
There are many more stories, some worse, but most are mild. In the course of my life, I have gone through some serious learning periods. All in all, I just wanted to show that we all have our crazy moments. Most of us learn from them and grow, some just wallow in it for eternity.
I pride myself on learning from my mistakes.
“I’m a little more careful
Perhaps it shows.
But if I lose the high,
at least I’m spared the lows..”
I think sufficient time has passed since this incident occurred that I feel comfortable enough that I can now speak about it. It is hard at my age to be shocked or go through some measure of unexpected trauma, but believe me it can happen. I am not immune to the ills of this world. I suffer like everyone else, but my approach is to deal with it internally.
If I see that an issue continues to plague my psyche, then I will write it out as that is an effective way of healing my soul. Then you have those incidents that after writing it out, you feel a need to publish so that other victims of this crime can know that they are not alone.
I don’t mean to be cryptic but I just wanted to let you know…….I’ll be okay.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Here’s my story:
I have told friends time and time again that they are NOT to try and “set me up” with anyone; on any kind of date or potential match making exercise. There are too many people that parade around as excellent match makers when their lives are in a big mess. Their relationships sometimes are reminiscent of “Ike & Tina” but for all intents and purposes, they know who is good for me. Why?
I have been on this planet long enough to know when someone is right for me or when the whole idea of a date is a bad idea.
On many occasions I have stated that I’ve been blessed with two superpowers:
- The ability to slow down to a crawl, any line/queue I join and,
- The ability to sense mad/crazy people out of any crowd.
I am laughed at for my claims of these two powers but I’ve never been wrong.
I remember once attending a concert at Queens Hall, where Carol Addison was the headliner with a huge cast of supporting acts. I was bored for most of it and then I sensed a disturbance in the Hall. The Master of Ceremonies came on and announced that some gifted young female performer was coming on to sing and that the audience was going to be moved.
Then she appeared….Dressed all in black with long gloves and slowly sauntering onto the stage. At that point I turned to my friend Giselle and said, “Oh boy, this one looks like she got a night pass from St. Anns (reference to the mental hospital less than a mile away from Queens Hall). Giselle scolds me for my assessment; then the young lady began to speak
Lady in Black:
A Pleasant Good Evening everyone. My name… (You must think I’m crazy to even call her name here!) and I am here to bless you in song. In all my years as a songwriter, I’ve been inspired by lots of things but nothing has moved me to write beautiful melodies more than the area where I grew up.
And so tonight I am going to bless you with a song I wrote about my beloved village of Toco and it’s called……
I turned to Giselle at this point but she was purposely not returning my stare. The music started and she began to sing… Sing? Umm, well… that’s an exaggeration. Strange music followed by strange noises flowing through this individual who seems to think she was channeling a cat in heat or the Seagull from the Little Mermaid. If this was what Toco represented to her in song, then I think it should be declared a national disaster area!
She ended with a slow coooo and outstretched both hands and tilted her head back like Whitney Houston.
Then she walked off.
No thank you! No bow! Nothing!
She just left the stage…
It was then I knew my powers were strong.
Anyway, as usual I digress…….. Back to the story.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was set up on a date.
It was not my first set up but it represented one of the last ones i ever allowed. I did not want to go on this date, but my alleged “friend” suggested that I “Man Up” and stop being such a crotchety old man and embrace destiny.
Normally I would politely decline or give one or two excuses:
- “Umm I think I’m washing my hair that day”
- “Psalm 1 – Jesus doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked”
But as usual my alleged friend insisted that I go out with this mature 25 year old mother of one on a date. Nothing fancy just a movie as she is getting over a bad break up and just needs a gentleman like me to treat her nice.
I have no problem with being nice but she insisted it be a date and that I call this young person and chat as “she had a good feeling about this”. I had a feeling too, but at the time it was just disgust at the fact that people involved in relationships seem to think all single people need to be in relationships as apparently our lived aren’t fulfilled enough.
Anyway, after much protest, I called the young lady and we spoke on the phone twice and messaged each other over the course of a couple days and well she seemed to be cool. I was just being my usual funny self and cracking jokes and making observations so that she felt at ease with me.
Eventually we decided to meet up by going to see a movie. She chose the movie and we met up the following day at Movietowne for this “date”.
Cut to this Tuesday afternoon and I’m heading towards the cinema entrance and I feel a tad odd. I ignore the feeling and meet up with her. She smiles. I smile. I shake her hand and say
“Do I make the grade or do you want to phone a friend and get out of this”:
She laughs heartily : “Nah I’m good”
It was at the point of the laugh that I realized that the disturbance in the force was coming from her. While the laugh wasn’t creepy, it felt a tad overdone and lasted way too long, but I just put it down to me being paranoid as usual.
We settled ourselves into the theater, Screen 10, to be precise with only 10 other patrons for the viewing of this “Disaster” movie. All seemed to going well. We ate the snacks we purchased and made a few comments during the trailers and then we settled down for the beginning of the movie.
Then it began…..
All of a sudden she started to sigh a lot. Not really sigh but breathe heavily. I ignored it at first but I slowly started to feel her heart beating through the arm rest we were sharing.
I turned to her and asked if everything was alright and she replied: “Yes”
Then it happened…she slid her hand on my lap and started to squeeze my thigh.
I did not flinch but I looked at her when she did it and she just smiled. Being the gentleman that I am, I took her hand from my thigh and placed it in my hand and held it there for a bit. She started to play with my hand.
Then her hand got loose and it forgot about my thigh and headed straight to my groin area and she squeezed. Alas she did not squeeze what she thought she squeezed so I cringed in pain and laughed and told her to go easy on me.
She gave the laugh again.
She then grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest as she may have assumed I was a cardiologist. I felt that her heart was racing and I inquired why it was beating so fast.
Girl: I’ve never been out with someone as handsome as you are before.
Me: We will take you to Optometrist Today tomorrow to have those eyes checked cuz I think you going blind
Girl laughs out loud while on the movie screen a family has just been crushed by a falling debris.
I grabbed her hand once more and with that one she seemed to settle down as she placed her head on my shoulder.
This lasted for like ten minutes then she adjusted her head and started staring at me directly. I was met with a kiss on my lips when I turned my head in her direction. Then my face was grabbed by two tiny hands and we began to kiss. She is a really good kisser except for the parts where she started to lick my nose.
I told her let’s behave ourselves before we are kicked out of movie.
Girl: Nah dem does only fuss when bullermen kissing in here.
Me: You’ve seen this happen?
Girl: Yeah man. But it’s natural for couples like us to kiss in movies
Me: Couples like us you say?. Hahahahahaha (nervously)
To cut a long story short, I was fondled, groped up and my ear and earlobes licked profusely until I think I lost hearing at one point. All this time I’m trying to be a gentleman, given the age difference and the fact that my days for making out in cinema ended when Robinson was Prime Minister. Besides all this, I have a little class. I’m not “stoosh/stush”, I just know how to conduct myself as an adult in a PUBLIC AREA. I did kiss back and hug her up etc but I just wasn’t into all the “feel up” session in the cinema.
In the end, I asked her to tone down on the groping and that we just watch the movie. This apparently upset her greatly as she halted all bodily contact at this point.
We sat in silence and watched to the end of the movie.
I asked if she wanted to go for a drink after. She just shook her head and continued walking towards her car. I tried to make other small talk but she was not having it. Her face was upset and she was giving me tone when she spoke.
I honestly couldn’t be bothered.
I called the matchmaker IMMEDIATELY after my date drove off and asked her to concentrate on Peace in Middle East and leave my lack of a love life out of her future missions. When I started to get into the details, she got another call from “her” friend and well from all reports…I was an asshole.
Following this incident, I called a long time friend whom I had taken to cinema when I was 14 and whom I think I had assaulted in this manner way back then. When I explained to her that I was calling to apologise for our movie outing to go see Total Recall and my apparent “friskiness” back then, she let out one loud scream followed by a serious fit of laughter.
I explained to her what had just taken place and how I never knew what it felt like to be groped up like that and that I just wanted to apologise profusely. She said there was no need to and that Karma took a while but she was happy for the apology and for the good laugh. Truth be told, at the age of 14 she didn’t mind my advances and that I didn’t assault her anywhere near to what I just described to her. She said she remembers me just holding her hand a lot and kissing it.
Both Matchmaker and the 25 Year old mother no longer speak to me and one has deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on all of her Social media platforms (the matchmaker).
I still don’t know what I did wrong and actually I am not sorry for anything that I did. There is a time and place for everything and I had begged her not to try and meddle with my life.
I had expressed to her my strong objection to going on a date with 25 year old but she insisted that the girl was very mature and grounded for her age. Plus I was chastised for being an ageist and for not understanding that people are talking about me and my lack of relationships. When I told her that I didn’t care about those things, she just said that I should learn to give people a chance and let love into my life. (I swear Tyler Perry has destroyed the psyche of most black people with his movies)
Anyway, that’s my tale.
I am a survivor and I hope my story allows others to come forward and deal with the pain of rejection and assault that they have experienced while out with strangers.
Let’s be careful out there people!
The title of this blog will make sense in awhile. In the meantime, let me inform you that the subject-matter included below is not for everyone and some may choose to stop reading once it becomes apparent.
Ever had one of those days where you have a stomach ache? Well I had one this afternoon and I couldn’t understand why I had no desire to egest or egest gaseously so I was concerned that something was wrong with my stomach.
What did I have for breakfast/lunch/ mid morning snack?
- Breakfast: Quaker Oats with Granola
- Mid Morning snack: Two Pricesmart brownies
- Lunch: Bhaji Rice, Red Beans and Veggies (No meat)
- Drink: Water. Lots of water
Thirty minutes after having lunch, I had another brownie (don’t judge me!)
Anyway around 2:30pm, my stomach began to felt weird. I, of course, ignored it and continued with the mountain of work on my desk.
2:45 pm – My godson, Dillon, came by and we spoke on a myriad of things and then I dropped him home around 3:15pm. My stomach was still queasy but I completely forgot about it during my time with him.
3:30pm – I’m back at the office and it starts to hurt even more. I take a trip to the bathroom but nothing is happening. Not even empty farts. I managed to play three rounds of Frozen Free Fall in the bathroom and headed back to my desk. Pain subsided.
5:15 pm – I drove out of the building. Destination: HOME.
5:30 pm – Stomach started to rumble but this time it was going at a pace, It was hurting. I took another sip of water that I had in the car and it subsided slightly
5:45 pm – Just passed Starlite Shopping Plaza when it happened. The PING!
I describe it as “the PING” because it is the only way I can describe the feeling. It’s the sound a microwave makes to tell you that your food is ready. My stomach rumbling was the food heating up in the microwave and then “The PING” happened.
My stomach was ready to eject the contents and it was in a hurry to expel it. The problem is….. I was still in traffic and a long way from my apartment. I started to map out every friend’s house that was nearby but then i realised that my OCD would NEVER allow me to embarass myself to do this in someone else’s house and I honestly couldn’t guarantee that the smell that would be ejected would be Pot Pouri-esque. So I knew what I had to do…
Cue Kiefer Sutherland’s Voice:
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE5:58 P.M
BETWEEN 5:58 P.M. AND 6:02 P.M.
This damn traffic not MC moving!!! Why am I still in front of Starlite? Oh Lord Jesus this hurts.. 5:59 P.M.
I have unbuckled my belt and I’m on the Diego Martin Highway clocking significant speed but that damn traffic light at Crystal Stream is on red. Ah can’t take it. I’m moving alot in the car and trying to concentrate on other stuff but it’s like really there….You know..by the edge of my bottom. I’m clenching as much as I can but its there. 5:59: 48:52
I buckle back up my trousers much tighter than it was….It not working.. Oh no.. I’m at the edge of the seat. Chest right up on the steering wheel. Help!! 6:00:25
This light not CHANGING!!! OH GOD Please don’t let me mess up my Car! Please GOD! I promise to be good 6:00:55
GREEN!!! Breathe Stefan Breathe……Police Car in front… Steups! Ah go take that ticket some other time. He go have to follow me home. Another Green light! Turn!! Turn!!! I’m sweating profusely and I have taken off my tie and my unbuttoned my shirt….I need to breathe. Mamee it hurts.. it hurts really bad! 6:01:35 – I park outside the apartment but i can’t move fast. It’s literally RIGHT THERE!! Shit house keys fell in the road. I’m bending to pick up and I let out what feels like a wet fart… OH OH! RUN BOY RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! Shoes off in drive way!. Belt on ground in the porch!
Keys in door…Door remains open….rushes… Pants giving trouble to come off….ow ow ow ow ow
It’s there! Oh NO! It coming down…..NOOOOOOO! 6:02: 05 – SIGH!!
And how was your day?