- Week 27 and still not a Lotto winner. Off to work I go. Jesus, it seems you are really insistent on me working hard for everything I have? #patienceisvirtue
- If you are over 35 and you are telling me you going Wi-Fi silent, it means you have no data plan. At your age? Come now! #imjudgingyouopenly #judgeing #judgedread #postpaid #stopbeingcheap
- Cleaned the oven this weekend and realized that those oven cleaner fumes are potent. Think I knocked out for a five minutes on the floor of the kitchen.
- When you go drinking on a Saturday night and after your 3rd drink you stop because (a) your tolerance level is low (b) People started to look cute and (c) you started to feel chatty. Should’ve had Malta instead. #lightweight
- Dear Massy Stores, I don’t opt to pay your higher prices on food stuff so that I could pack my own groceries and tote it all to the car. Get your act together! #massystores #lazy
- So one part Heineken Beer and two parts Coke = Green Sands. Let’s see….Attempt Number 9 – when did I finish the Coke? I think I have an alcohol problem. Thanks eh Gerard Morton!
- .Nitpicking causes me to shut down. If I have reviewed something thoroughly and someone asks for cosmetic changes, I don’t do it. I’m over the document and have moved on.
- I’m ignoring the disrespectful people who asking how did Trouble do for SEA. She is doing SEA next year people!!
- While I try to stay out of politics, all I want to say is: Shouldn’t a Deputy Political Leader of a Party know better or understand the importance of Protocol?
- I find it rude and offensive when my main and back up toilets in the office are in use by other people. I’ve spent too much time gathering data on their locations in relation to my bowel movements for BOTH to be occupied at the SAME time. People are so insensitive!
- Is it a local conspiracy that if you order Beef on a pizza from ANY pizza place, they are so stingy with it that you have to search for the meat on the pizza like search for some politicians’ integrity? What going on? Why you doing it?
- I think I officially gave up on the Facebook Tests after they told me that I was 100% Indian and that my calling is to be a Pastor. Umm not even if I can recite Kanchan and Babla ultimate song “Kuch Gadbad Hai” and “Robobobo Shatai “with the best of them means this stuff is true.
- TRUTH: I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I kinda still don’t know but I fell into certain fields that gave me opportunities beyond my reach.
- So KFC’s Smoke N Fire Chicken may not be spicy going in but coming out the other end…..Well Let’s just say I asked/pleaded for Divine Intervention.
- This is the end of the first week of July and TN AUTO still does not have my car ready. I am thinking of Legal Action at this point. No one is this slow intentionally!
- I’m always amazed when people compare a dining experience at Bootleggers to that of TGIF or Ruby Tuesday. I always correct them that the latter are dining experiences and the former is an institutionalized form of torture.
- Every morning I get up just to see if my yard has been destroyed by those two dogs. Somedays are better than others.
- I always get confused when my neighbour goes from blasting gospel music when she is cleaning her car to blasting “dancehall” afterwards. I don’t think she or her husband haven’t heard a new song since 2000.
- Had some Curry Goat on Monday and believed I tasted “stay home” in it. It was way too good to be a normal pot of curry.
- Someone messaged me that her family was going to “Sellebea” for the long weekend. I fought every fibre of my being not respond to this and therefore I had to go lie down as I had a headache.
- I applaud business people at every turn especially those who provide food to the masses like me who are culinary impaired; but $45 per pound of CHINESE FOOD and it’s not inclusive of Crispy Skin Pork!!! MADNESS! #robsomebodyelse #notmymoney #
- Either my feed is highly sanitized or my friends need to cleanse their friends’ list. Nobody in my FB feed mad to talk about boycott. How they eating?
- My actual list of friends are like my grandmother’s teeth: few and far between. #leffmeh #leavemealone #friendbookfull
- I think an Uber driver on Tuesday night tried a fast one on me to earn more money by missing my turn off and feigning ignorance. Yuh can’t play ignorant when the “kiss meh ass” Waze map next to you recalculating. He got 1 star rating with one stink comment afterwards.
- The reason I haven’t been renting a car all this time is because (a) they not cheap, (b) every week is a new story with TN Auto #dreamsellers and (c) I’m cheap.
- Spent Wednesday with an auditorium full of primary and secondary children and realized that teaching is truly a higher calling. So many personalities being coordinated by one person and you can’t strangle or lay healing hands on them. #notforme #iwouldmakeahjailalready #trueheroes #highercalling #wedaymoments #weday #wemovement
- It’s not that I’m not serious about my weight loss and healthy living; I’m just trying to decide if I want to be a light snack or a healthy main course instead of just being an “All You Can Eat”/ “Buffet” Special. #dietchallenges
- I still don’t get people who have to try and sample EVERY item in these “Food by the Pound” estalbishments. Jesus! Yuh here almost everyday, move faster! Picking up one piece of fried plantain or 3 grains of macaroni salad makes sense to you? #needtothintheherd #patienceneeded #hungrymanissues
- KARMA??? – Was told on Thursday that a car would be made available to me until my vehicle is ready. The only car available for use….. A WINGROAD! #GODhasasenseofhumor #jesuslaughinghard #imnotamused
- There are some days that I have the memory of Dory for activities done within the last 20 -30 minutes, but possess vivid recall for something that happened 10 years ago. SMH!
- It’s now over six weeks since the Auto body shop has had all the parts to fix my car delivered and I still don’t have it. I will NEVER EVER recommend TN Auto Body Shop to even my worst enemy. Or maybe I will…… #godistryingtotellmesomething #speaklord #patienceistrulyavirtue #theyoverdoingit
- Painted the Burglarproof in the porch on Saturday morning and while people were passing I was just praying for someone to offer to paint it for me. No such luck #reallazy #dontliketopaint #notmyskill
- There is a One restaurant in Woodbrook on this Island where the manager was a real asshole to me but because all his workers are illegal immigrants who give good service, I will not say anything.
- Why, during the midst of the storm, around midnight did I make curry mango?
- Did you know in the Naps Cookbook, curry mango is referred to as Mango Talkarie? #themoreyouknow
- It only dawned on me on Wednesday morning that I had not left my house in 3 days. Monday and Tuesday I did not even venture into the yard. #hermitmodeactivated #winteriscoming #bunkerlife
- Life is wonderful as long as you have Cheese Paste!
- Is it that sofas being sold in Furniture stores in T&T are supposed to look like fabric design vomit?
- I swear that all this travelling and fun Shawn Wong is having is just upsetting my spirit! Stay home and suffer like the rest of us nah!
- I’ve found two dead chickens in my yard but yet still all other creatures seem to get a free pass. Guess I’m covered if chickens try to take over the world
- There comes a point in time when you digging in your pocket for money to pay the taxi driver borders on you trying to feel me up in smart. #cuteyeactivated #sweetcussin321
- So the maxi taxi driver that used to wait for me has opted to pass me straight on the road even if he isn’t full. Guess he is using another route now. #feelinghurtiguess #whamtoheboy
- Been having serious bouts of insomnia over the past few weeks. It’s amazing what these two dogs do when they think no one is watching. Like Trouble egging Heff on to move bricks so she can go roaming in the street.
- TMI: I was shaving while having a shower and realized that I need to pee. Should I rush out the shower and get water all over the bathroom or just do it here? I mopped the bathroom after I changed my clothes. #noeh #notdoingit
- I think the 30 minute wait for a roti at Don’s should be declared a criminal offence. You must know your daily traffic and volumes by now to fix this problem! But OOOOH the roti tasted GOOD!
- Saw the video from Mad Cobra’s “Flex” in a taxi on Saturday night. The driver had a tablet built into his Nissan Sentra dashboard for passenger viewing. I had forgotten how boring that video was.
- Had two people, on separate occasions, point out afterwards that the respective cashiers were flirting with me. While I’m so oblivious to most flirting episodes directed me; in hindsight, I realised that my food orders on both occasions didn’t reflect any ounce of favoritism. #theywerejustbeingpolite #imeasylikesundaymorning #iputoutforfood
- So Trouble has been bullying Heff since his arrival. On Sunday night, they had a fight (Instigated by Trouble, of course) and lo and behold Heff pinned Trouble to the ground briefly and she was in shock. I gave Heff the biggest hug and rub belly for that move. #proudpapa #saynotobullies
- Apparently Maxi Drivers don’t take too kindly when you go into another Maxi when they were apparently waiting for you. It’s only been a few weeks, why this man assuming a special friendship? It’s only $5 we are exchanging daily and mild small talk.
- I think I bring out the crazy in people. It may be dormant but somehow interacting with me activates this “tick”.
- The shock and awe when you realise the Award Winning Actor from 12 Years A Slave, & Doctor Strange (Mordo) – Chiwetel Ejiofor played the Drag Queen Lola in the Movie Kinky Boots.
- I’m not gaining weight, however over this week, two of my work trousers ripped in the back. I’m guessing that fitted trouser look is not for me.
- Sat in the front passenger seat of a Left Hand Drive Taxi and a Traffic Police officer in St James shouted at me to get off my phone. I stared at him and said “ Do you see a steering wheel near me?”. He tried to give me a “bounce” to try to diffuse the situation.
- Benetton staff no longer insult me about not having my size when I go shopping there. This development confuses my low self-esteem. Any recommendations for clothing store that insults their customers?
- I was challenged by someone (based on my Sports’ post) to “quit my bitching and man up”. Strange though, since he is the one in Family Court for Child Maintenance.
- Saw a woman moisturizing her leg outside the entrance of Rituals St Clair with the Jergens bottle on the table who told me to mind my business as I passed. “Oh so sorry, didn’t realise this was your bedroom!” She let out one scandalous laugh. I wasn’t moved to join in.
- People have been asking me if I’m willing to adopt another dog. As a single parent, I cannot afford another one especially since Trouble needs to see a Psychologist and Heff needs to be enrolled in a Sports Camp or gym (that dog lazy!!!).
- Little Caesar’s Pizza in Valsayn isn’t bad at all. Wings are cheaper and bigger than those you get at …………….. The pizza is ready in less than 10 mins and it’s not as oily as ……………… or as rubbery as.………… (fill in the gaps)
- My PS3 has given me the yellow light of death after 6 years of faithful use. No flowers by request. Monetary donations will accepted and will be forwarded to its favorite charity. ME!!!
- I never knew Mangoes belonged to the list of Laxative Foods. Overdosed on Mangoes on Saturday and was wondering why I was going to the toilet so frequently.
- Walked into The St Ann’s Catholic Church on Sunday Morning around 9:30am and walked back out promptly and waited until I saw my hue entering said church. I felt slightly unsafe before. #paranoidmuch #fixmejesus #lordhearus #getout
- Haven’t been to a Catholic Mass in over a decade. Seems like they changed up some words as I normally am spot on with the responses during Mass.
- Was told I was wrong for letting my dogs acquire the taste for mangoes. “The last thing I need is to be competing with my dogs for any mango that drops from the tree in my yard” uttered Cindy Theroulde. #noshame
- SUPPRESSED MEMORY FLASHBACK: Opting not to Travel home with Schoolmates because “Fat Kathy” From Arima Senior Sec was loud and always had something disparaging to tell me and when I answered her back she always wanted to fight with me. I guess it’s decades now that I’m angering people to the point of violence
- Maybe I fell asleep the two times I saw Wonder Woman, but to me, it was just okay. It wasn’t brilliant or awesome. Well if compared to other DC movies, then it’s a home run but to me it was “Thor” level good. Plus I got upset every time Steve Trevor put his hand to the back of Diana as if to steer her in a direction.
- But Robin Wright/Claire Underwood as Antiope was “LIFE”!
- There must be at least a 30 minute cooling off period before one begins work when one has used public transportation. One cannot just jump into work after enduring such an ordeal. You have to refocus your chi, after being around so many different forces.
- Facebook must know I don’t like people as I never get these Friend Anniversary notices beyond the ones other people post.
- Took a walk last night to clear my head (still car-less) and ended up by KFC St. Lucien Road. I dug in my pockets and realized I only had enough for a Kids Pack. I got no toy with my meal. Sigh….
- Saw a picture of Crispy Skin Pork on Damian LukPat Photograpghy’s Instagram page and all of a sudden Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is” started to play in my head.
- QUESTION OF THE WEEK: How come people always willing to let you take a “Cheat Day” from your diet but will crucify you for a “Cheat Day” from your spouse? Wouldn’t both scenarios hurt you in the long run?
- If I call an UBER, I don’t expect them to be asking me what is the best route to get to my house or even hint to me that they are not familiar with Port Of Spain. That is a Red Flag for me jump out your car and go get a Maxi.
- While I appreciate the Maxi Taxi driver that sometimes waits for me on mornings, I don’t need him insisting that I sit in the front seat so he could have a lively debate. It happened the first few times but its still the morning and I’m not accustomed to speaking to anyone til 9am.
- House of Cards has made me a serious cynic when watching American Politics. I don’t believe anything anymore.
- I let someone use my kitchen to bake some coconut muffins and they used EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY utensil they could find. Not even I knew that I had so many teaspoons and measuring spoons. Afterwards, my kitchen looked like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (too soon?). The two muffins that were left for me tasted awesome though, but my kitchen……I wonder if I qualify for ODPM assistance.(just a joke. Please no calls from ODPM)
- I’m realizing that the aversion/inability to wash dishes must be an undiagnosed severe medical condition. Can any Board Certified Physician on my list recommend a course of medicinal treatment?
- Why is it that every time I have an important meeting after lunch I make a mess on my shirt? Looks like I need a bib to eat.
- How many actual holidays do we have that does not require the entire population to consume Curry as a means celebrating it?
- NOTE TO SELF: If you are blocking someone, block them on EVERY social media platform you are on even if you are not friends with them on it.
- Spent most of the holiday waiting on a plumber to arrive who took three seconds and declared he needed to come back tomorrow.
- Who knew that the Spanish word “ Immigracion” could improve someone’s English drastically when they were previously pretending not to understand what you were saying!
- I’m seriously thinking that I need to go into some sort of therapy because I’m just not understanding people and their motivations anymore.
- BUFFET PORTION CONTROL: Taking a smaller box to fill with food rather than a larger box with smaller portions of multiple food items inside. #staywoke #nowwoke
- QUOTE OF THE WEEK: Meko Jade: People need to know how to aim straight when they want to jump out themselves
- One can never just eat a single Mango and be satisfied. #troot #staywoke #wheremehmangotreerowley
- SIDE NOTE: I’ve tried to plant mango seeds in my yard on many occasions, but Trouble and Heff LOVE mangoes and so they hone in on the site, dig them up and destroy them. You barely find the shell of the mango seed afterwards.
- Random Friend: Stef, what you getting me for my birthday?
Me: Same thing you got me for mine
Random Friend: But I didn’t get…..Oh! You are an asshole! You know that right?
(I’m still searching for the reason for her ire!)
- So, it seems odd that every other company or person I mentioned in a status has made some form of contact with me after posting, but CRIX aint fart on when I wrote about their odd numbers biscuit packs. Oh well, such is life and maybe it’s a good thing since I no longer consume that product due to my reduced flour intake lifestyle.
- I found myself in Paprika last night and while standing around drinking some watered down alcoholic concoction, I realized that I was the old man in the club who should be home sapping his knee with Bayrum instead of smiling with these young people .
I was accosted in public about a week ago by a young lady who had a problem with my blogs and the fact that I seem to paint a picture that all women are deranged and that I am just a hopeless soul, who gets tangled up in their “web of crazy”.
I immediately corrected her and let her know that in each instance of crazy that I had the opportunity to stop the progression of events, but my desire to have fun in my life seems to override this default setting.
“Then maybe you should write about YOUR instances of craziness towards women!”
I said I’d think about.
HOW DARE SHE!
How dare she assume I have crazy moments? How dare she ask to me paint a less than stellar picture of myself into cyberspace for everyone to judge?
Then I remembered: “Oh yeah I don’t care what most people think of me”
There was a time when people’s opinions mattered and I always found myself in some kind of quandary. I was always trying to figure out how I am going to please these people or how I was going to make their opinions of me correct. But like a fart, that desire passed and boy was it a stinker coming out! Anyway, that for another therapy session blog!…
So I thought about my moments of non-clarity. My moments when I either took a leap and fell on my ass or when I had leave of my senses and just went with my flow.
Here are two stories for your amusement::
DRIVE BY – A LOVE STORY
Picture this! St Augustine, 1999! I am “dating” this girl for a few months but we have not made it official. Well in my mind its official as I was spending enough time calling, texting and hanging out to consider this “serious”. In hindsight, I may have jumped the gun.
Anyway, there came a point in time when all of sudden she wasn’t returning my calls as frequently as before and she made a habit of cancelling our outings at the last minute. I sought counsel from friends. A “female” friend, suggested that I sit and have a talk with her and sort stuff out, while a male friend suggested that I play Private Investigator and get to the bottom of the matter. Can you guess which advice I used?
So I had made plans for us to double date with another couple to go see a play at the Central Bank auditorium. And while all week she was “gung ho” with the idea, three hours before the date , she calls and cancels and says that she isn’t feeling well.
Guess what I did?
- I left her alone for the night so she could rest
- I got medication for her and dropped it off
- I went to the play without her
- I did something irrational
If your answer was A,B or C, then I suggest you stop reading. If your answer was D, then read on.
I borrowed a friend’s car and parked at the top of her street around 6pm. Her car was parked outside so I knew that she had intentions of going back out. I just wanted to know where and with whom.
At 7:12pm, a green Nissan Sentra pulled up and a guy honked his horn and 3-5 minutes later, she emerged and got into the car and they drove off.
I drove behind them straight to Arima where they parked and started to walk to Windsor Cinema holding hands.(Who goes to Cinema in Arima?”
“My first impulse was to run up on you and do a Rambo.
Whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you…..
So instead, I chilled. That’s right I chilled”
When they were on the same side with the Cinema, I drove up and honked my horn and called out to her. She turned around, saw me and strangely enough he looked stunned but not her..
“Hey, I’m glad I saw you! I won’t be able to make the lime tomorrow. So just let everybody know ok?
“Yeah. Uh huh” she replied in a quivering voice.
And I drove off. (to around the corner).
As soon I was sure that they were safely inside, I punctured one of his tyres and went to get back my car.
I spent the night shaking. Not in fear but from the rush of everything that I did.
No one called me about the car tyre and she and I never spoke after that. Well I never responded to her calls.
So this is my confession of cowardice!!STALKING-
Facebook and Instagram has made it extremely easy to stalk people from afar without fear of being detected. The only thing you need to be cognizant of:
If you ever meet them in real life: PRETEND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
So what if you are on their page constantly and now know their siblings and parents’ names or the name of their best friend… KEEP IT TOO YOURSELF.
I have two people in my life that I secretly refer to as “The Registry”. Reason being: all I have to do is given them a name, school attended or a picture and I can get a brief history of the person. The age of the internet has seriously diminished their usefulness but like a Public library, I think they have found creative ways to still be relevant in these times.
Anyway, back to story.
HI5 was all the rage and there she was…sly smile, discreet photos with family members and friends. There was nothing flamboyant or untoward about her. She just looked beautiful. She looked like someone who could get my Bank PIN.
I sent a friend request and it was ignored. Of course it would be, she did not know me from Adam, but I had a plan. An ill-conceived plan but a plan no less
“The Registry” came up with where she worked and it happened to be in “Town” and not too far from my office. Good Start.
So one day I found myself leaving my desk and taking a walk in her office’s direction. I ended up inside but could not get beyond the Receptionist. No problem. Minor set back. I called her desk from my phone and realised she was on lunch. So I sat on the Promenade and waited til she would pass back.
While sitting there and looking around at everyone passing by, then it suddenly hit me:
WHAT DE ASS YUH DOING?
Nothing… I’m just taking a breather!
GO BACK TO WORK IDIOT! YUH KNOW THIS IS STALKING RIGHT??
No it isn’t. I’m just waiting to catch a glance of someone I like.
WHOM YOU DON’T KNOW!
Yeah but it’s not like if I’m gonna walk up to her now or anything.
NO SERIOUSLY! GO BACK TO WORK!
In a minute. I just wanna see her in person…..
WOULD JESUS APPROVE OF THIS?
And with that realization, I got up and walked back to work. I looked around slowly to see if I would see her but no such luck.
Two years later, I’m at a friend’s wedding and there she is sitting a couple tables away , with no visible signs of having a date. I avoid eye contact for most of the night.
Heading to the bar a little later, we bounce up there. (I was at the bar first eh)
I turn to her:
(I go silent again)
Umm where do I know your face from?
Umm I sent you a friend request on Hi5 like two years ago but you ignored it.
No I don’t think that’s it! (confused look on her face).
(I laugh nervously and loudly then I stand there in silence wishing for an epileptic seizure to save me from putting my foot in my mouth)
Oh I remember, you are on that show on Gayelle!….
Oh yeah ( dies a little inside) Kinda.
The bald head guy is really sexy! I would love to meet him.
Oh ok.. well you all might bounce up since you go hiking a lot.(and then I change the foot in my mouth)
How do you know that?
Sorry someone is calling me. I’ll be right back.
Hear nah! I left that wedding faster than a vagrant with a valid BBQ ticket or Usain in an Olympic 100 metre dash. I just prayed that she spoke to no one at the wedding about our conversation.
There are many more stories, some worse, but most are mild. In the course of my life, I have gone through some serious learning periods. All in all, I just wanted to show that we all have our crazy moments. Most of us learn from them and grow, some just wallow in it for eternity.
I pride myself on learning from my mistakes.
“I’m a little more careful
Perhaps it shows.
But if I lose the high,
at least I’m spared the lows..”