- Grapefruit is slimming. Steups…the level of cuss I wanna put on this person eh
- Drink Apple Cider Vinegar and Water to lose belly fat – It would’ve been better if they asked me to be bullemic . Could barely swallow it.
- Cut all sugar out of your diet and reintroduce it slowly after a month. – I can’t take any more calls from HR on my attitude
- Do not eat after 7pm. – I’m not even hungry at 7!
- Go to bed early. – Is Midnight early enough because I can never fall asleep before then?
- If hungry late at night, drink water to curb your appetite. – And then I wake up two or three times to “pee” due to a full bladder
- Eat small portions every two hours. – Umm I have a real job and a busy work schedule . I can’t be telling my boss I need to go eat in the midst of a meeting.
- Stop eating Peanut Butter – Steups if loving PB is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!!!
- Start counting calories – Steups…..One calorie (gulp), two calories (slurp)…..
- Replace a meal with a Slim Fast Drink – How about I just slap you now?
- Herbalife – All this money and the product barely lasting two weeks?
- Have Ramen Noodles at least twice a day instead of a regular meal. – I’m guessing Hypertension is a preferred dieting state.
- Drink Diet Soda instead of regular soda. – I’ve never seen a slim or fit person order a diet anything
- Do a cleanse to lose weight. – Overdosed once (or maybe twice) on a laxative and only lost time after knocking out on the toilet.
- Drink loads of water if you’ve had something sweet. – Ok this is what I tell myself as I think the water dilutes the sugar.
- Give up Pork! – SDA, Rastas, vegetarians and JWs already don’t eat it. Only one grouping in that list doesn’t contain fat people and we all know why they are so skinny.
- Snack on almonds if you are hungry between meals. – Does an Almond Joy count? Because almonds are expensive for me to snacking on it often.
- Chew your all your meats, but don’t swallow it. – What’s the point here?
- Cook all your meals. Don’t eat out! – Have you tasted my cooking? No? That means you are still alive.
- Let Roti become a once a month treat. – I’m not on allowing this kind of negativity in my life
- I’ve meet those people who post GOT spoilers before. They are the same ones that talk through a movie. Posting spoilers doesn’t make you superior. It just confirms that you are the insecure ASSHOLE in the group.
- Why get upset with Pizza Hut for asking you to use the Take Away section when you want to dine in with a beer in your hand and your Buddy has a bottle of Double Dog in his? #confused #itmustbeafortnight
- To the person who created a whole fake Facebook profile to ask me what are the requirements to get a date with me. I’ll answer you in a timing
- Had my first debilitating migraine on Wednesday where at one time sight was a painful chore. That was a scary day.
- Still can’t understand why people stare at me weirdly when I’m with my godchildren. Are you all really trying to figure out the ethnicity of the mother that badly or if I abducted someone’s child? NEWSFLASH : Black people are least likely group to kidnap children.
- Still don’t understand why at my age people are still trying to set me up on dates. If I’ve offended you and this is how you try to punish me, then I prefer that you just slap me and get it over with.
- Started back the gym 15 pounds heavier than when I stopped 2 months ago. None of the usual morning gym attendees looked any better or fitter since my time away. #jesuslovesme #miserylovescompany
- What do you mean it smells like Ocelot pee? How bourgeois is your nosehole that you can tell the difference?
- Went to Yuma’s Cooler Band Launch and felt as if “To Catch A Predator” had set a wide net and was waiting outside for me if I attempted to talk to any youngster.
- I realized I shouldve opted to seriously not be there when two children that I’ve held as babies were there. One was smoking and called me “Uncle”. Don’t worry, He is still alive….
- I think that is my last band launch since waiting to see costumes at 1am when you’ve been there since 10pm just made me STEUPS and go home right afterwards.
- No coolers were harmed during this outing.
- If you going to be all thought provoking with your captions on Instagram….. Learn to spell nah!
- I bet you think that last comment was about you. Did you just check your last IG post before continuing?
- There are still “Christian” folk I grew up with that pass me straight when they see me. To them I say: Don’t worry my sins aren’t contagious, but your self righteousness gives off a really pungent smell though. It’s the smell of someone that’s not anointed or purposed. #SHAME
My friends think I need to be dating an older guy because guys my age aren’t ready for much anything else that doesn’t involve 20 toes. What are the benefits of dating an older guy?
Just a few observations to remove the clutter from my brain:
- It’s EstEban not EstAban (do you like it when people spell your name wrong?
- “My friends say”- How old are you? Is peer pressure still a thing for you?
- “20 toes”?? Ummm either you had a strict religious upbringing or .. nope you grew up in a small church that was incapable of using the word “sex” without relating it to sin and destruction.
- What kind of men are you meeting around your age that only want sex? How hot are you?
- What age range is older to you?
- Do you think an older man doesn’t want sex as well? All men want sex
- Do you think an older man just needs company? Are you confusing having a pet with dating a man? Contrary to popular belief they have different needs
Ok… Benefits of Dating An OlderMan
- Stimulating Intellectual Conversations
- Discussion of ideas and concepts
- Fulfills your “Daddy” fetish
- Financially stable (most times)
- Jealousy issues reduced but never disappear.
- He will more than likely be in bed by 8/9pm.
- Will not smell like wet dog
- More intimacy. Hugs and kisses nad (gulp) cuddling
- Extremely attentive ( if you like your personal space invaded)
- Minor monetary allowances(depending on your preference)
- Personal Driver/ Taxi (as he will want to ensure you are safe)
I’m not sure this list will do you any good as your desire to be Celibate and not (Sell A bit) will prevent you from dating a wordly man. My suggestion is that you concentrate on developing your passion and let love happen when the universe deems it time.
The Gospel According to Whitney Houston (2:2- 1C)
Album 2: Track 2, First Chorus says
Are you really ready for love boy
Or is it just the lonely talking again
So a guy I met about two weeks ago at #63 invited me over to his house for Sunday lunch. I said that I would think it over and let him know. During the day he sends a picture of three cups with a bottle of Ciroc with the caption “Me and Moms bating you”.
I saw the picture and never responded. I asked myself if not responding was the correct approach. I felt pressured and I wasn’t ready to meet his mother considering I haven’t even gone on a date with this guy as yet.
What do I do?
Dear Avenue Love,
My gut told me to tell you this:
“BLOCK HIS NUMBER and RELOCATE”
In hindsight, I am thinking that this may not be the best way of dealing with the situation, so let me put my thoughts in bullet form:
- I’m judging you for going #63
- Ten points for meeting new people
- He can’t spell “baiting” but then again you met him at #63
- I think you should’ve told him let’s meet in a public setting on a date before we invite each other to our respective homes
- He is a Mommy’s boy and obviously ready for something serious
- He’s a Mommy’s boy and needs her approval before going any further with you
- He’s a Mommy’s boy! RUN!!!
Seriously now, I think you should have told him that you were uncomfortable with his home being the first place that you all meet. If the picture caused you to panic, then I suggest you re-evaluate how you want to go about dating because it seems as if you are not ready to move forward with anything.
If you like this guy, then I suggest you contact him today and apologise and try and meet up soon. CPL is on so how about you invite him to a bar or restaurant to watch the game? If he says “yes” then all is forgiven. But please choose the place and don’t leave it up to him.
NB: The picture above is from PINTEREST. NO image was supplied to me by the person asking for advice.
So my boyfriend accused me of “Emotional Cheating”. I told him to grow a pair. He told me to make up my mind about what I wanted from him. I’m confused. What are your thoughts?
Not A Cheater
Dear Not A Cheater,
I have so much to say to such a short note so let me start:
• From whom or where did he learn the term “emotional cheating” ?
• Did you use it on him before or has he been watching Grey’s Anatomy or “This Is Us” on television?
• “Grow a pair”- While hilarious, is tantamount to bullying and it is obvious that you beat/abuse your man.
• He is correct in wanting you to make up your mind but (because I know you) I know that is like asking the wind to blow in one direction only
ANSWER: Santa Claus, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, Soucoyants, Papa Boi and Unicorns
QUESTION: What are all things I consider to be real before I believe in emotional cheating?
Emotional Cheating is a cop out and a term developed by people who are way too comfortable in a relationship and therefore don’t regularly communicate to their partners.
It is NOT a thing.
It’s for those who need a soap box to stand on to justify their shock or indignation at their partner being able to communicate to someone else.
You can never be everything to one person and asking them to only talk to you and Jesus is impractical.
On the other hand, if he or she is meeting this person in a clandestine manner, that’s still not emotional cheating. Your ASS getting HORN!
#staywoke #knowthetruth #stopwatchingshondashows#nolifetimemovieseither
- “Darkie, Lemme go in front yuh nah! . All I have is this toilet paper”
“Is that how you ask a stranger for a favor?”
“Me aint have time for this nah.”
“Well stay right behind me since you obviously have no manners”
“Steups! All dat attitude for simple pass?”
“If you don’t understand what you did wrong then I can’t help you”
“Ah can’t stand allyuh bullers yuh know”
“Because I’m asking you to have manners, I’m a buller? Well this buller aint letting you pass!”
(Crowd behind chuckles)
- Either Trouble has magical powers or I need to get new chains as she keeps getting loose and I can’t figure out how.
- Saw a lonely puppy in the road and opted not to adopt for two reasons. (a) I don’t want to stress out Trouble and (b) I think she might drive the puppy to suicide ( Lord knows she bullies Heff and he is resilient most times but its takes a toll on him)
- Within the past three weeks I’ve met 5 people with degrees from DeVry University. I still remember when it was just an IT school.
- “Food by the Pound” places are not for me. My serving hand is too heavy no matter how hard I try take smaller servings.
- You know things are bad with you when a homeless person can tell you to reduce your salt intake in order to get rid of your water weight.
- Even worse when said homeless person recognizes you as someone he admired from Primary School but you have no idea who he is and his name isn’t familiar.
- I think I had way to much fun anonymously commenting on all those people who were foolhardy enough to join SARAHAH. I however didn’t make everyone’s Instagram Story-feeds. I think some were blanked out or I just wasn’t funny enough. Two hours well spent. Heh heh heh heh heh *rubs palms together…
- I’m not sure if the “Summer Movie Season” has started. I haven’t felt compelled to go weekly to see a movie as in years passed. Can’t see myself rushing to see Dunkirk.
- Stared at a former co-worker like she was a freshly baked Coconut Bake with melted cheese. She didn’t appreciate the comparison until I explained to her how delectable such a combination is in the minds of most people.
- Was invited to a take a short trip with a group of people I barely know but I opted to stay home for mental health reasons. The preservation of mine…
- It’s always interesting when people who delete me from their Facebook profile try to send me a friend request and say “ deleted in error”. Umm you were sure when Facebook asked you twice before unfriending me, so what happen now? #foreverpetty #steups #missmewiththisBS
- My Nikon D90 is on its last legs. I can feel the difference in its operation and the hesitation when I’m trying to snap a quick picture
- Why do people expect me to get them birthday presents when they don’t even give me a “dinner mint” for mine. BTW if you give me a mint for my birthday, know full well you are getting the same one back on your day.
This is my last Weekly Chronicle for 2017. I thought I could keep up with it but my life just isn’t as interesting as I thought it was.
So keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars!
- SUPERSTITION: I don’t get the 9 Nights thing and why you gotta put a candle or two in the road in front my house. Are you lighting the dead’s way to where? My house?
- DO YOU THINK I’M SEXY?: The answer is always “Yes” especially when in a crowd of women even when you think differently. #savealife #mine
- STEAL MY SUNSHINE: My attempt to go to the beach every day this week but ….
- RAIN: How my week off can be summed up in song….
- SABOTAGE: Uber driver telling me he is cancelling the trip as he can’t find my house when he is right in front of it but visibly has another passenger in his car.
- ALL I REALLY WANT: The winning Lotto Numbers and probably a good and reliable mason.
- DESPACITO: Must I hear this song EVERYWHERE I go???
- OUTSIDE: When you really need to pee but the house is locked up and you feel it coming down and the keys are in the car.
- THAT’S WHAT I LIKE: Song makes me dance especially after seeing the video when I know I’m that black guy with very little coordination and rhythm.
- LAND OF CONFUSION: When you are leaving “Stumblin” at 1:30am on a Thursday, but people still coming into the spot. Don’t you people have work in the Morning?
- FOOL OF ME: Assuming I can wake up one morning and decide to take a flight to Tobago for the day…
- JAMMETTE: Seeing Trouble in the road while driving home and seeing her try to beat you back to house. #bringoutthejammetteiname
- CONFESSIONS: I miss travelling by maxi taxi and all those passenger/driver conversations . #saidmenever #noeh
- MADNESS: A Hotel Taxi Driver telling me that it costs $180 to go from Movietowne POS to Diego Martin and trying to explain to my why paying this cost is better than using UBER, DROP or A regular taxi.
- INSANE IN THE BRAIN: I agreed to go to another cooler fete band launch. #savemefrommyself