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ESTEBAN AND THE BAD DIETING TIPS


  1. Grapefruit is slimming. Steups…the level of cuss I wanna put on this person eh
  2. Drink Apple Cider Vinegar and Water to lose belly fat – It would’ve been better if they asked me to be bullemic . Could barely swallow it.
  3. Cut all sugar out of your diet and reintroduce it slowly after a month. – I can’t take any more calls from HR on my attitude
  4. Do not eat after 7pm. – I’m not even hungry at 7!
  5. Go to bed early.  – Is Midnight early enough because I can never fall asleep before then?
  6. If hungry late at night, drink water to curb your appetite. – And then I wake up two or three times to “pee” due to a full bladder
  7. Eat small portions every two hours. – Umm I have a real job and a busy work schedule . I can’t be telling my boss I need to go eat in the midst of a meeting.
  8. Stop eating Peanut Butter – Steups if loving PB is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!!!
  9. Start counting calories – Steups…..One calorie (gulp), two calories (slurp)…..
  10. Replace a meal with a Slim Fast Drink – How about I just slap you now?
  11. Herbalife – All this money and the product barely lasting two weeks?
  12. Have Ramen Noodles at least twice a day instead of a regular meal. – I’m guessing Hypertension is a preferred dieting state.
  13. Drink Diet Soda instead of regular soda. – I’ve never seen a slim or fit person order a diet anything
  14. Do a cleanse to lose weight. – Overdosed once (or maybe twice) on a laxative and only lost time after knocking out on the toilet.
  15. Drink loads of water if you’ve had something sweet. – Ok this is what I tell myself as I think the water dilutes the sugar.
  16. Give up Pork! – SDA, Rastas, vegetarians and JWs already don’t eat it. Only one grouping in that list doesn’t contain fat people and we all know why they are so skinny.
  17. Snack on almonds if you are hungry between meals. – Does an Almond Joy count? Because almonds are expensive for me to snacking on it often.
  18. Chew your all your meats, but don’t swallow it. – What’s the point here?
  19. Cook all your meals. Don’t eat out! – Have you tasted my cooking? No? That means you are still alive.
  20. Let Roti become a once a month treat. – I’m not on allowing this kind of negativity in my life
 
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Posted by on September 7, 2017 in Entertainment, Fitness, Food, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 26 – ESTEBAN AND THE JETS!


  1. I’m always amazed when people compare a dining experience at Bootleggers to that of TGIF or Ruby Tuesday. I always correct them that the latter are dining experiences and the former is an institutionalized form of torture.
  2. Every morning I get up just to see if my yard has been destroyed by those two dogs. Somedays are better than others.
  3. I always get confused when my neighbour goes from blasting gospel music when she is cleaning her car to blasting “dancehall” afterwards. I don’t think she or her husband haven’t heard a new song since 2000.
  4. Had some Curry Goat on Monday and believed I tasted “stay home” in it. It was way too good to be a normal pot of curry.
  5. Someone messaged me that her family was going to “Sellebea” for the long weekend. I fought every fibre of my being not respond to this and therefore I had to go lie down as I had a headache.
  6. I applaud business people at every turn especially those who provide food to the masses like me who are culinary impaired; but $45 per pound of CHINESE FOOD and it’s not inclusive of Crispy Skin Pork!!! MADNESS! #robsomebodyelse #notmymoney #
  7. Either my feed is highly sanitized or my friends need to cleanse their friends’ list. Nobody in my FB feed mad to talk about boycott. How they eating?
  8. My actual list of friends are like my grandmother’s teeth: few and far between. #leffmeh #leavemealone #friendbookfull
  9. I think an Uber driver on Tuesday night tried a fast one on me to earn more money by missing my turn off and feigning ignorance. Yuh can’t play ignorant when the “kiss meh ass” Waze map next to you recalculating. He got 1 star rating with one stink comment afterwards.
  10. The reason I haven’t been renting a car all this time is because (a) they not cheap, (b) every week is a new story with TN Auto #dreamsellers and  (c) I’m cheap.
  11. Spent Wednesday with an auditorium full of primary and secondary children and realized that teaching is truly a higher calling. So many personalities being coordinated by one person and you can’t strangle or lay healing hands on them. #notforme #iwouldmakeahjailalready #trueheroes #highercalling #wedaymoments #weday #wemovement
  12. It’s not that I’m not serious about my weight loss and healthy living; I’m just trying to decide if I want to be a light snack or a healthy main course instead of just being an “All You Can Eat”/ “Buffet” Special. #dietchallenges
  13. I still don’t get people who have to try and sample EVERY item in these “Food by the Pound” estalbishments. Jesus! Yuh here almost everyday, move faster! Picking up one piece of fried plantain or 3 grains of macaroni salad makes sense to you? #needtothintheherd #patienceneeded #hungrymanissues
  14. KARMA??? – Was told on Thursday that a car would be made available to me until my vehicle is ready. The only car available for use….. A WINGROAD! #GODhasasenseofhumor #jesuslaughinghard #imnotamused
 

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