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Through…….


Is that enough?
I think it’s over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away

So i haven’t written anything in a long while and as usual it is not because there was nothing much to say but (like everything else in my life) i grew tired of doing it.

 

Yes, my commitment issues always rear their ugly head in weird places and times but it always arises. I don’t know why i can’t stick to a few things and just make it work. It just happens.

Let me list some of the things i gave up on over the past year or more:

1. ONLINE GAMES

Angry Birds Star Wars, Angry Birds Rio, Candy Crush, Farmville, Hidden Chronicles, Ruzzle and a host of other games. – I  think what did me in with those games is the fact that I kept losing to other people (sore loser here) and you can only go so far without having to spend money or depend on other players for your advancement. (Did I mention i also have trust issues, so the whole sending game requests thing is not something i was willing to entertain?. It reeked of dependency and i can only stomach doing it for short time periods.

 

2. This BLOG

I absolutely love writing and it helps to clear my mind from the myriad of thoughts, observations, opinions, rants etc that keep invading my mind on a daily basis. There was a time when i would stop what i was doing at work to write some random thought in my head before i would forget it.,I remember once pulling aside my car while on the highway so that i could jot down a thought that came to me. They all seemed brilliant at the time but in retrospect, most of the ideas were crap and I felt so embarrassed to look back at them later on. The thought “What was i thinking?” always popped into my head. Answer: I wasn’t.

 

There have also been the 10 or 12 blogs that i actually wrote and then thought that I was getting too personal or that no one would want to read that diatribe. Yup self-doubt kicked in and so i gave it a rest.

 

3. EXERCISE

For as long as I have been an actual working adult, I have had an issue with my weight. Somehow graduating from University and getting a real job meant that I ate my weight in KFC and roti without regard for my health or well being. I was never super skinny but the second tri-mester stomach i have sported for almost two decades is not something i am proud of but i have grown accustomed to it. I am happy to say that the double chin is gone and that I no longer wease (I think).

In 2012, I took the plunge and got a personal trainer in an attempt to get my weight under control. After a couple false starts with some less than desirable trainers, i found one that ignored my complaints and whipped me into shape. I actually ran a 5K and saw my clothing starting to fit me differently.

What I lacked was a proper diet and so the body shape never deviated much. So while i am fitter, my body still looks the same. Two carnivals later, i have seen changes in my friends’ bodies but none in mine. Yes i take responsibility for that but i’m tired. I am just thinking i am just too old to have a fit body. It requires way too much work.

It also doesn’t help that my younger brother looks like an extra from 300-The Movie or an extra from Magic Mike.  BIG WET STEUPS!!!!…

Image and then there’s me Image

 

4.  MUSIC-SINGING-ACTING

I am beginning to think that 2012 did something to my psyche

 

In 2012, I entered the T&T Music Festival as a means of getting my voice back into gear but it left me very despondent, and due to the fact that i am a real sore loser, I left the experience feeling crippled, useless and totally depressed. I retreated internally as i felt that what the Music Festival did was reinforce the fact that my voice isnt that special and that the talent i think i have is just a thing in my head.

 

My acting has been lukewarm at best and Soft core porn bad at its worst. I still love doing it but it doesnt love me.

 

Performing and performers are such fickle needy creatures that one bad review or comment can send a season actor into a tailspin in which they question life itself. I’m so not a seasoned actor/singer so i am totally fragile.

 

I need the applause to fuel me. Silence kills me inside.

 

Don’t laugh,  but just as Tinkerbell needs children to believe in her to she can survive, I too need the feedback. It doesn’t all have to be positive, but feedback helps. Silence kills me and lets me know that i need to go under a rock.

I wanted to do an intimate night of music with me as the main artiste back in 2013 ( for my 40th Year) but i gave up on that. Two attempts to tag along and sing in someone else’s concert never materialised, so onto the back burner went the singing.

2014 has seen some measure of resurgence in my love of music and i’ve started actually playing more CDs and listening to my ipod even more but it is nowhere to the level i was at in pre-2012.

I have like 6 lists of songs that i would like to sing but i’ve never tested any of them out to see if they are appropriate to be sung in my voice and not sound karaoke-esque or just plain bad.

 

5. LOVE & MARRIAGE

To be really honest, i think i gave up on this one a long time ago and i still think it is a futile quest in my case.

It’s not that I haven’t seen the face of love or its poster child on numerous occasions, I have reconciled ( hmm the official word for this post) internally that a certain type of love is just not for me.  God has blessed me in so many areas of my life and allowed me to have the most amazing experiences that growing up i never could fathom, that i think it would be rather boldface to be ungrateful that one aspect of my life hasn’t worked out. So what if I haven’t found love? So what if I haven’t found the ying to my yang or the cornmeal for my coo coo or the anchar for my beef roti? These things happen.

 

Psychologists and “Know-It-Alls” would say it has to do with being the product of divorced parents and the trauma that has caused me and my concept of love I say “bovine excreta”. I have hundreds of cases with other family members and lots of my friends where their parents are still together but for some weird reason, they haven’t found love either. In addition to this, both of my parents found love after their divorce and are happy..

 

Its kind of sad that even in the 21st century, not being in relationship/married/in common law/ shacked up etc at my age, one can be called “a freak” ( well only to those with 3 and 4 children who see me as being unworthy to hang in their circles but that is their issue, not mine.). It doesn’t mean I’m going to die alone. Err well it kinda does…hmmm… oh well. I’m cool with it..

 

When i look back at the people I thought I felt i was destined to be with (they number only 3), I realise how much I was “in love” and how much they were “just cool”. If they weren’t trying to be controlling or dropping subtle hints as to their dissatisfaction with some aspect of my life, i came to terms with the one common theme they all possessed. I was something they needed to fix. The love was never reciprocated. It was merely convenience and acceptance that Stefan would always be there for them but that needed tweaking in too many areas and that they weren’t willing to invest long term in the correction of same.

 

Strange thing though: sometimes I wonder if i was a ranked bastard in a previous life and then I realise that.. nope…I’m a good person who just makes bad choices in people…

 

When I look at someone and I see imperfections but what i see is potential. The potential to be a better person, the potential to love, the potential to make me happy; the potential of a fat joint income that  affords me a killer house (just kidding).  But i’ve stopped seeing it.

 

At my age, like the boy in the Sixth Sense,I also see dead people (well those that are dead inside).

I also see :

  1. Crazy people (I actually have a sixth sense about detecting the level of crazy in others).
  2. Desperation,
  3. the hopeless romantics,
  4. the “in love with love” but not with reality
  5. The Florence Nightingales
  6. The Gold Diggers
  7. The Fake intellectuals
  8. The “I found Jesus so he could help me find a good husband”
  9. The “I don’t need anyone but can we cuddle?”
  10. The “ Let’s just be Bedroom Buddies but I know you will fall for me so it will all work out”

and many more….

 

I have given up.

Completely….

 

I haven’t been looking for anyone since True Blood Season 2 ended.

 

I’m good….

 

No really.

 

I’m good.

 

CONCLUSION

So after writing down the list above, I begin to see that I am back to just existing in a vacuum. That is not a good feeling. The last time I felt like this , I was turning 30 and working mad hours at Citibank. Somehow I don’t think Disney/Hollywood is going to come calling for me at this age or that something new and exciting is around the corner that propels my mood into a different direction.

 

I’m older, crankier and less pudgier but still content.

 

This may be the start of another mid-life crisis for me, but i am so risk averse that i dont think i can actually stomach spending excessive amounts of money on anything that i will later regret (I get buyer’s remorse from buying a pair of sneakers).

 

So hear me now

I’ve enough of these chains

I know they’re of my making

No one else to blame for where I stand today

I’ve no memory of truth

But suddenly the audience is so cruel

So God, hey God you know why I’m through


Through….

 

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Muscles (The Prayer Edition)


Dear God,
Normally I try not to burden you with these minor requests/prayers since I know there are people praying for far more important things, like healing from sickness, end to war, food for their children, a home or safe delivery of their baby, or end to their poverty etc…. but Lord I need your help here.

I thought about asking my friends to help me find a solution but in the end I think that dealing with you directly might help matters. Divine intervention always move things along speedily and sometimes a solution jumps out at you when none existed before. So while my request is not at the top of the prayer line nor even in the top 500,000 requests….here it is:

“De belly not going down. What to do?”

Yes, I know that I can’t expect miracles overnight and it has only been 3 weeks but I see and feel no change in anything. My diet has changed, I have eaten very little bread at all and there is no late night eating despite the gripping hunger that sets in around 10pm. So what is really going on? Ok Ok the potato salad, rice and baked chicken by Cindy on Saturday didn’t help, nor did the food from Creole kitchen (sans macaroni pie) on Sunday but hey I have been good otherwise.

Oh and Lord, I know you are going to ask about the Personal Trainer but you know that I made alot of bad decisions and well he counts as a really bad one. I have tried to be understanding when he tells me he can’t make it Wednesday to Friday because of class at UWI (far be it for me to deny someone an education). I even suggested he leave a work-out plan with me for the time he is not there but he says he prefers if he is there to supervise me on the machines. Eh? We both know that doesn’t happen when he is there as he is also doing his own work-out on other machines when he assigns me. So what am I do?

Actually Lord, I did get your very subtle message/hint about him on Saturday when you got him to text me, out of the blue, to ask for a $400 loan so that it may contribute to his wisdom teeth extraction fund. I, of course assumed it was a slight advance on next month’s training fees but when he announced that he won’t be able to train me for at least two weeks when the teeth come out, I wondered if I was being “Punk’d”.

Am I Lord being Punk’d or will there be a solution to my problem?

What lesson are you teaching me here that I didn’t/haven’t learned already?

Why are you being so harsh on me? I know you taught me to love my body and I do but I still look as if I am in my second trimester and it is no longer funny.

Was it you who sent Natalie Bell Smythe to tap my belly this morning?

Not nice eh but I got the message loud and clear.

So Heavenly Father, I ask for your guidance and for a sign as to what is my next step.

HELP!

Thank you Lord….AMEN

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2011 in Fitness, Food, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Muscles


Did I ever tell you about my dislike for Gyms?

I’m sure I have.  I find them to be vessels of all that is wrong with society. And alas, they are a necessity.

Over the past 3-5 years I have done my best to avoid using this institution in my quest for a  non “tut tuts” ridden Stefan. Efforts so far have proven to be a tad futile.

I thought I had found a brilliant strategy by taking Tennis Lessons. I was happy. My form improved, my stamina as well and on a good day I can have a killer back hand. Then reality set in. Why is my body not changing its Buddha-esque shape?  My legs are firmer and I feel more energetic, but why haven’t I become lean? The answer was however right in front of me.  I looked at my coach and then I turned around and looked at the other players my age or older (one cannot include children and teenagers who can lose weight just by farting). They all looked the same. They were all fit but their body types never change. The guy with the wicked serve still has a bear-belly and he plays here everyday for at least 3 hours. Why don’t any of them look like Nadal/ Blake/ Federer or even Agassi (even though I always thought him to be chunky)?

Answer: They are not athletes who do strength and endurance training along with tennis. No one on the court is that committed.

In an attempt to up my game I enrolled in a kickboxing class. And some days I would go to this class right after tennis and be subjected to serious torture on my body.  The class would consist of 10 minutes of cardio involving laps around the room  followed by push ups and sit up and all manner of stuff that seemed to some extent be improving my core.  It was working. I was shedding a few pounds here and there and I felt good. Coach was however looking for a fighter to compete in various tournaments held inTrinidad. I know I didn’t fit that mould, plus a couple of times coach put me to spar with other students, I realise that I don’t like people hitting me. It hurts a lot. So I told him that I was only here for training. Alas his other students all lost the matches he put them up for and well, he gave up. He no longer holds classes.

Can you do that? I never will be able to!!

I think that was partially my fault as this year I went from play to play and so I hardly had time to go to training.

Which brings me back to now. What do I do? I am back from my vacation that had me drinking more coffee than I ever did before, eating food in some GREAT restaurants (Fogo De Chao – I love you) and sleeping a lot. My first 2 days inNew Yorkfound me snoring away in an apartment and not exploring the sites. Why? I was tired from work and there really wasn’t anything new in NYC that wouldn’t be there when I decided to actually wipe the “yampee” from my eye and scrub me mouth.

In speaking with friends and acquaintances, many suggested that I get over my aversion to the gym and get back there. One suggested that I come and  Zumba with her. While Zumba looks like fun, I think I have enough issues in my life without employing a weighted hula hoop as part of my new exercise regime. Someday I’ll get over myself but it isn’t right now.  Another suggested Spin Classes (which I have tried already). Spin Classes make my legs bigger and toner. Everything else stays the same size. I was fond of Spin Class and the fact that I was drenched after the work out and would sometimes slip in the pool of sweat that I left under the bike but after awhile that joy wears off when you have all these skinny people in front of you in tight clothing while you sit in the back in everything slack so that you were devoid of shape/form and jelly rolls.  Sigh I have way too many hang-ups.

So I decided on a Personal Trainer. Initial quotes given to me for a personal trainer ranged from TT$100 – $200 a session. I quickly asked for a definition of a session because in my mind paying you that kind of money for 30-45 minutes of your time, I expect to be dropping weight in no time. Instead all my “cheap” ass tells me is that my wallet and bank account will drop size really fast.

I found one for a lesser price and I have just started to interact with him and well he is a tad bit odd. He asked me what I were my goals in terms of working out. I stated clearly that I want to lose weight. I want to build my chest area but overall I just want to reduce my body fat and appear toned. 

Trainer: “Oh so you wanna look like me?”

Me: Err you kinda skinny. If I get that small people will think I have the Hi 5

Trainer: LOL Nah kid I not that small.

Wait he just called me kid?

Me: Umm what is your waist size? 28?

Trainer: Nah I can’t find pants to fit me, so I buy a 30 and get it adjusted

At this point, my gut told me to walk away and forget this thing as he obviously is clueless, but I hired him.  I am trying to be less hasty with people and give them enough room to hang themselves..oops I mean…relax and let’s see how things go. Not everyone gives a good first impression.

Our first session consisted of me doing the following routines:

Bike – 15 minutes

Elliptical – 10 minutes

Then a series of back and shoulder exercises. I was always to do 4 sets of 10 for each exercise. At one point he pointed to a machine I already used and when I corrected him on it he pretended that he was pointing to the one next to it (Small Thing – Mental note made)

Then he took me to the are  where people do “Chin Ups” and I looked at him and said:

Me: I am not ready for this machine.

Trainer: Nah kid, this one easy.

There he goes calling me kid again

Me: I’m not ready for this one.

Did he listen? Nope. He had me climb up and informed me that he were not going to use it freestyle but in combination with a weight so that it propels me back up. Once again, I uttered that I  wasn’t ready for this.

He put the weight thing around half and told me to stand on the lever and do the pull-ups. I managed one and then he realised that the weight wasn’t helping me.

Trainer: Wey kid you real heavy. Leh we try it at ¾ of all the weight.

Same thing happened. He started to giggle.

At this pint I turned to him and said “Let’s forget this one.”

Trainer: Nah this piece of equipment important for strength training

He set it for all the weight and the same thing happened. He giggled and then decided to give up. By this time, a couple other people were waiting on the machine, and nearby there were women using other machines that developed into a giggle.  It was turning out to be embarrassing but being the trooper I know myself to be, I made a joke out of it so that people would think I wasn’t ashamed of what happened.

Me: What ah tell before? You watch my size and think that I could lift myself up?  Do you know how much macaroni pie running through my veins?

There was slight laughter and we moved on to another machine that was easier.

I did some ab work after that and then spent 15 minutes on the treadmill before heading home.

This morning my body is ok. Slight joint stiffness but Absorbine Junior and Ben Gay helped ease that tension last night.

I am due to meet with him today. I pray he gets better.

Everyone knows my resistance to commitment of any kind but for my well being I am hoping this thing works out.

I long for the day when I can walk onto the beach and take off my jersey while strolling and have everyone be in awe of my perfect pecs and flat stomach and v-shaped torso.

Look, I consider the 12 people who actually read my blog to be my therapist, I refuse to pay someone for 45 minutes when I have an entire you all to test my paranoia and random thoughts on without the fear of  judgement. This method is cheaper in the long run..

 
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Posted by on September 20, 2011 in Fitness, RANT

 

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I Wonder……


As I neared the walk-over by Powder Magazine, I happened to see a naked black man walking at the side of the road. Actually he was strolling with his hands behind his back. The fact that he was naked seemed not to bother him one bit. The number of cell phones in cars pointed towards him and the resulting traffic didn’t even move him on bit.

Why were the cell phones pointed at him?

Well ….Me thinks it is because he was NAKED and the fact that it seemed that the gentlemen had no body fat whatsoever and he also had large appendage dangling from his middle. Dare I say it was half way down his thigh.

Then i wondered….

Why is it all the mad people in Trinidad that roam the streets seem to have these amazing bodies that people spend thousands of dollars to try and get by goiong to a gym or by running around the Savannah? Why do they also seem to have huge members?

If this is a prerequisite for going mad…….then it is safe to say that I will be fine.

Now, seriously, think about it. All the people you know who obssess about weight and about being thin and buff and “cut up”, aren’t they a little insane? Don’t they take things a bit too far? How far off are they really from going over the edge?

I know that if some sugar or dare I say full cream chocolate syrup finds its way on something I am supposed to eat that I will not freak out and let it go to waste.

I remember being at a gathering once and there were some delicious cheese puffs just laying down on a platter…calling me…..whispering to me. I had asked the “gym freak” person next to me if they wanted one (hey I am polite) and they responded that they had exceeded their calorie intake for the day. I stared at them in disbelief for about 5 seconds and then picked up three of the puffs and went in another corner to eat it like the good fat boy that I am. They were soooo good.

So anyway, while one needs to be constantly healthy and fit, one must never go to the extreme where you limit yourself or deny yourself pleasures just for the sake of a six pack.

I know that If i die while eating for example: A tower of Chocolate dessert at TGI Fridays, i know that would have died happy than having died and knowing that my last meal was not Crix and water or just a protein shake.

Anyway as I saw the perfectly sculpted vagrant walk back down to the walk-over, I knew that I would never be in that position or allow someone to get me to that state. God knows that while working at Citibank I threatened to wipe my underwear in a couple people’s faces if they ever sent me over the edge. I thank God that I had other outlets to ease/calm the beast witihn so that never came to fruition.

Thank you God for making me chubby!

 
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Posted by on June 21, 2011 in Fitness, Food

 

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The Workout Plan….


has gone to POT!!!!! Yes, already.  After a valiant attempt by me in joining the gym, I haven’t been back to it since then. Did I ever mention that gyms intimidate me? They do and therefore I find it hard to stay in them. Every piece of gym equipment I approach seems to be complicated. Me, yes me , who actually knows how to bypass a firewall, can’t seem to get a handle on gym equipment.  I always end up staring at it until i see someone actually use it.
 
I think my problem with Monday was that I chose the wrong time of the day to go to the gym. People in my office told me that i chose the “posers period” to go to the gym. The “Posers period” is the time of the day when all the people who know that they are hot and have the seriously hot bodies, come to the gym to workout.  They have absolutely no need to be there but they come at this time to check each other out and size up their competition. Alas no one was checking me out. The body I presented to them belonged to that of a pregnant woman in her second trimester (this is where she is now starting to show a stomach and looking a bit chubby).
 
I spent 30 minutes on the stationary bike building up the courage to go to another part of the facilities. When I finally got off my lower torso felt firm from the workout. Too bad it had me walking like a penguin for a least five minutes.  I then worked my way over to an area called “The Circuit” and stayed there for 30-40 minutes using every machine in intervals. This portion wasn’t bad until a crew of loud women decided that they needed to jump on any machine they liked and continue to talk with each other. I explained to one of them that i was using the circuit system and that she was interrupting my flow. She eyed me up and down and steupsed (sucked her teeth). I then asked her if her education level prevented her from being civil. With this remark she got up, called me some name i couldn’t decipher (enunciation didn’t seem to be her strong suitat all) and walked across to another one of her friends. I then thanked her for allowing me to use the machine, finished up my set and then ran out of there before the cast of “The Parkers” came after me.  Overall, it was a good workout.
 
 
Since then, I haven’t been back to the gym. Tuesday I saw MI-3 (Good Movie despite my dislike of Tom Cruise). Yesterday, there was a football match on in the stadium and so i opted to go home and rest (What??? You thought that I actually attended the match??? Dream On!) Today is Thursday and i don’t think that i am going today either. I have a meeting all day tomorrow in Tobago and so I was hoping to get a haircut before then (which only leaves today to do it). I really should venture back to that unholy place of terror but I just lack the will power to do such.  I know that I must return (to pick up my membership card) but i need to pace myself and hopefully avoid a potential beat down
 
 
Hopefully the weekend will bring a renewal of my efforts plus it is a fact that less people use gyms on weekends, so it will be relatively empty.
WISH ME LUCK!!!
 
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Posted by on May 11, 2006 in Fitness

 

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