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WEEK 24 – ESTEBAN IS FROM MARS


  1. I think the 30 minute wait for a roti at Don’s should be declared a criminal offence. You must know your daily traffic and volumes by now to fix this problem! But OOOOH the roti tasted GOOD!
  2. Saw the video from Mad Cobra’s “Flex” in a taxi on Saturday night. The driver had a tablet built into his Nissan Sentra dashboard for passenger viewing. I had forgotten how boring that video was.
  3. Had two people, on separate occasions, point out afterwards that the respective cashiers were flirting with me. While I’m so oblivious to most flirting episodes directed me; in hindsight,  I realised that my food orders  on both occasions didn’t reflect any ounce of favoritism. #theywerejustbeingpolite #imeasylikesundaymorning #iputoutforfood
  4. So Trouble has been bullying Heff since his arrival. On Sunday night, they had a fight (Instigated by Trouble, of course) and lo and behold Heff pinned Trouble to the ground briefly and she was in shock. I gave Heff the biggest hug and rub belly for that move. #proudpapa #saynotobullies
  5. Apparently Maxi Drivers don’t take too kindly when you go into another Maxi when they were apparently waiting for you. It’s only been a few weeks, why this man assuming a special friendship? It’s only $5 we are exchanging daily and mild small talk.
  6. I think I bring out the crazy in people. It may be dormant but somehow interacting with me activates this “tick”.
  7. The shock and awe when you realise the Award Winning Actor from 12 Years A Slave, & Doctor Strange (Mordo) – Chiwetel Ejiofor played the Drag Queen Lola in the Movie Kinky Boots.
  8. I’m not gaining weight, however over this week, two of my work trousers ripped in the back. I’m guessing that fitted trouser look is not for me.
  9. Sat in the front passenger seat of a Left Hand Drive Taxi and a Traffic Police officer in St James shouted at me to get off my phone. I stared at him and said “ Do you see a steering wheel near me?”. He tried to give me a “bounce” to try to diffuse the situation.
  10. Benetton staff no longer insult me about not having my size when I go shopping there. This development confuses my low self-esteem. Any recommendations for clothing store that insults their customers?
  11. I was challenged by someone (based on my Sports’ post) to “quit my bitching and man up”. Strange though, since he is the one in Family Court for Child Maintenance.
  12. Saw a woman moisturizing her leg outside the entrance of Rituals St Clair with the Jergens bottle on the table who told me to mind my business as I passed. “Oh so sorry, didn’t realise this was your bedroom!” She let out one scandalous laugh. I wasn’t moved to join in.
  13. People have been asking me if I’m willing to adopt another dog. As a single parent, I cannot afford another one especially since Trouble needs to see a Psychologist and Heff needs to be enrolled in a Sports Camp or gym (that dog lazy!!!).
  14. Little Caesar’s Pizza in Valsayn isn’t bad at all. Wings are cheaper and bigger than those you get at …………….. The pizza is ready in less than 10 mins and it’s not as oily as ……………… or as rubbery as.………… (fill in the gaps)
  15. My PS3 has given me the yellow light of death after 6 years of faithful use. No flowers by request. Monetary donations will accepted and will be forwarded to its favorite charity. ME!!!
 
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Posted by on June 16, 2017 in Emotions, Fitness, Food, Humor, Movies, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Flirt (The Goodbye Edition)


On June 29, 2012 around 3.30pm, while walking back to my desk, I saw “the cleaner” walking in my direction. I continued on my way as she has gotten really good at ignoring me when she passes (or is it that I have gotten good at it?) Anyway, I hear a soft voice calling out my name. I continue to my desk pretending I did not hear it because I refuse to acknowledge people who feel a need to use baby voices to try and get their way with other people.

Cleaner: (baby voice ) Hi Steforrrrn..I was calling you just now. Yuh didn’t hear me?

Me: No. Why are speaking like that? You swallowed helium?

Cleaner: (giggles) No. You mean eh…. I just trying to talk to you so no one can hear.

Me: Ummm everybody know you talking to me now so what’s the big deal?

Cleaner: Oh Gosh boy. Why you so?

Me: How can I help?

Cleaner: Well I wanted to let you know that today is my last day here.

Me: Oh?

Cleaner: Yes, I got a job at (protecting company name) and I start in a week’s time

Me: Congratulations! What are you going to do there?

Cleaner: Well I going and do graphics there.

Me: (sarcastic tone) Uh Huh…

Cleaner: So what I look like I don’t know about graphics and stuff? I real good with it.

Me: Oh no I wasn’t doubting you. (lie) It is just that you never struck me as the computer graphics type.

Cleaner: Well if you had gotten to know me as I wanted, you would’ve known all dat.

Me: My bad. Well I guess that is my loss. But congratulations again and I wish you all the best in the new job.

Cleaner: (blushing) Thank you Steforrrrn. Ah go miss harassing you?

Me: Harassing Me? You give me up when yuh find some man on one of the other floors. Yuh feel I doh hear about you flirting with other men.

Cleaner: Ay Ay like yuh was keeping tabs on me?

Me: Nope. People came willingly and maliciously to tell me that the big bottom cleaner horning me with so and so from 3rd Floor.

Cleaner: (gasps) Oh my goodness. These people in here not easy. Anyway me and him are just friends. My boyfriend would be upset if he heard that.

Me: You have a man now? A co-worker or an Army man?

Cleaner: Why you so? Yes he in the Army and he is a really nice guy. Takes care of me. Unlike you.

Me: Me? Umm we were never together!

Cleaner: Daz your fault. But anyway, daz all I wanted to tell you. So when you miss me is because I have gone to the new job.

Me: Well thanks for the heads up. Take care of yourself and leave de darkies alone in S—-  – alone ok?

Cleaner: Ummm they better leave me alone.

Me: Hahahahahaha. Have a good weekend!

Cleaner: Bye Steforrrn.

Me: It Ste-fan! Fan!

Cleaner: Yh dats what I said.

As she walked away, I was amazed at how well I had dodged that bullet for all this time. Later, on my drive home, I reflected on her time and found myself slightly embarrassed by the fact that after all these years I still did not know her name yet she knew mine (well the derivation of it she used).  I would go through my mind and still not come up with any episode or situation that I may have asked for her name.  Wait…It’s….Err..

Nope.

Nothing.

I either referred to her as “big bamcee” or “blondie” (she changed hairstyles and colors really often).  She blushed at both references.  Or if I was in a playful mood way back in the beginning I would just stand in front of her and say “Good Morning” and just walk away.  (No that wasn’t evil nor was I toying with her feelings).

No one on my floor knew her name either. They just referred to her as “Stefan’s girlfriend”. Hahahahaha funny….

The slight snob in me doesn’t believe that she is going to the new job to be a graphic artist but rather to clean for them.  Relax, I am working on the snobby part but I sometimes find it difficult when people try to impress you with stuff that you could find out independently. Just tell the truth.

I am not going to call the new place to find out if she is a graphic artist. That would imply that I care. And well……

———-

For a look at earlier Flirt blogs, see the links below:

Flirt

Flirt(Part 2)

Flirt (Part 3)

Flirt (Part 4)

Flirt (The Conclusion?)

Flirt(The OCD Edition)

 
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Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Humor, Uncategorized

 

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Flirt (The Admin Pool Version)


Date: August 9, 2011  Time: 7:45am

I am on my way to my workstation and I greet all the administrative staff as I pass by.

Temp Worker: Morning Stefan. How is your day going so far?

Stefan: Err I now reach and I hungry. so not so good.

Temp : You want me to get coffee for you?

I spin around from walking to my desk and put one big grin on my face.

Stefan: Nah, it’s ok. I brought cereal. So i’m gonna have that.

Temp : Ok ( she looks down at the floor)

I begin to get my work stuff out from my desk and suddenly i see someone hovering over my cubicle wall.

Temp : Umm Stefan…..

I look up and grin again.

Temp : Today is my last day with you all and I wanted to say it was a pleasure working with you.

Stefan: Where you going already? You now start doing stuff for me. What am I supposed to do?

Temp : (blushing) well Miss F comes back tomorrow, so there is no more need for my services.

Stefan: Steups….3 weeks fly so fast? Wow!  It was nice meeting you though

SILENCE

She is still at my cubicle wall

SILENCE

I am now booting up my laptop and taking my cereal out of my bag and thinking…why is she still here?

Temp : Umm before I go, there is just one thing I wanted to tell you

Stefan: yeeeeesssss

Temp : You have really piercing eyes. It is very distracting at times.

Stefan (blushing): Err thanks….but why you say that? A big man like me is not supposed to be blushing. Especially not this early in the morning.

Temp : I just thought you should know

And with that, she walks off and heads to the kitchnette area.

 

Ummmm What just happened there?

 

In other news:

The cleaner has been moved to another floor (not due to anything I may or may not have said to anyone). She comes upstairs once in awhile and mumbles at me if we pass in the corridor.

Hmmm So weird. I wonder why things changed?

 
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Posted by on August 9, 2011 in Emotions, Humor

 

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Flirt


Being the benevolent and wonderful person that I am (stop laughing), I take pleasure in helping my fellow man in every sphere of life. For example, one of the office cleaners saw a book on my desk last week and asked if I could loan it to her to read. Well what she really said is…

Cleaner: Hear nah leh me borrow dat book on yuh desk. I does read plenty yuh know.

Me: Err Please

Cleaner: Hee Hee Hee. Steforrrrrn why you so? Oh God len meh de book nah.Pleeese (blushing as she says it)

The book in question, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, belongs to a little girl who had a crush on me during a production we had worked on together. She insisted on bringing books for me to read since she had noticed that when not rehearsing, I would be reading. I forgot this one in my trunk and now that the production is over, I can’t seem to locate mother or daughter to return it.

Anyway, I lent said book to the cleaner. I get to my desk this morning and find the book with a note attached.

(SIDE NOTE: I did not forge it. This is an authentic note)

 

For those who can’t make it out, it reads :

Thanks for the read It’s a shame you refuse to shit where you eat. Wellok:

———

Hi all, My name is Stefan Simmons and I am a FLIRT!

It is something that I thought was harmless initially but as I get older, I realise that some people seem to take it very seriously. I don’t understand it. It is like a month ago when some people were upset with me because I kissed more than one person in a month. Come On!!! A kiss? Really?

Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to flirt!  It is healthy. It helps you and the people you flirt with have a sense of satisfaction. Plus it spares feelings in a big way (At least so I think).

But I digress…

BACK-STORY

This said cleaner (who knows my name but I have NO idea what is hers) has been eyeing me for a while. She makes it a point to tell me hello whenever she sees me and within the last month or two has gotten really brave in her conversations with me.  So much so that one evening, when I worked late, she stopped what she was doing to have a conversation with me. During this conversation, I discovered the following:

  • She thinks I am a decent and respectable man.
  • She dated someone in her company and it didn’t end well
  • She used her money and rented an apartment for him and he cheated on her.
  • She is looking for something much more meaningful and she thinks I am a nice guy
  • She is very loving and caring and will take care of whatever need her man has.

Throughout this conversation, I kept telling myself , “Hush, Stefan Hush” but at the end of her rant I could not help myself.

I told her that I understood her dilemma but that she was enabling the men in her life to be dependent and abuse her good nature. I told her that she had no right to spend her money renting an apartment for the guy and that it is obvious that she likes men who will abuse her good nature.

Silence………then she says

Cleaner: But I find you nice

Me: And there is your problem. I am trouble. I will take advantage of you. I see your weaqknesses and know that I can exploit them

Cleaner: What is my weaknesses?

Me: ah just told you. You like men that you know are trouble and will abuse your good heart. You definitely not equipped to handle me. Plus I don’t shit where I eat!

Cleaner: Eh? Excuse me? Wah dat mean?

Me: It means I don’t date or socialize with people I work with. If you had followed my rule that last boyfriend of yours would’ve never happened.

Cleaner: Oh ok. That makes sense. But you can’t fight love.

Me: Ha Ha Ha Ha! That is not love, that is horniness and laziness. You don’t want to go out there and find someone so you pick people that you work with to fall for.

Cleaner: Wow, you harsh yes. Anyway, leh me move before the supervisor see meh. You have a good night Steforrrrn

Me: (grimaces inside at how she pronounced my name) You too.

Previous to the book incident, she had left a note on my desk saying 

“Good Morning Sir. Have a Great Day” 

I had no idea who had left it then but now that I can compare handwriting, I know now.

Now the correct thing for me to do is nip this in the bud and tell her that I don’t appreciate these messages etc or speak with her supervisor and have her moved to another building or something. However, the evil side of me thinks I should flirt even more and make her blush everytime she sees me. Of course this may lead her to think that I’m playing “hard to get” and therefore intrigue her further.

Actually all I  am thinking is that I better stop this because she might knock me over the head one late night in the office and rape me. As I think back now and get scared, I remember one evening she stared at me so hard that I knew I was being violated in the middle of the office with my clothes on.

——————–

I think I have a problem with this flirting thing. My belief is that, it is okay to flirt with people as it is better than hurting their feelings. Flirting is harmless and in most instances it can brighten someone’s day.

In my desire to not hurt anyone’s feelings, like how mine were crushed during my formative years by names I wish to call but will not (SNBLRJCPGSFSFDFRPFFBGLC), I fear I may have wounded more people than I thought I was helping. I honestly think I am helping by not saying stuff like:

“You disgust me”

“I would never hook up with you”

“Eww ” “Oh Geed”

“you not my type”

“You are partially my type but dat belly have to go”

“Have you tried a bath?”

I would NEVER ever tell anyone these things (to their face) and because I can’t be mean and upfront like that. Instead, because of my passive aggressive stance I get labeled:

A TEASE!!

A nasty dutty stinking dog!

An Asshole!!

A Coward!

There are  other names, they are just too graphic to be represented in this forum, but you get my point. When did it become a crime to try and walk away from someone without hurting their feelings?

Then comes the clincher: “Just be honest with me. I can take it!”

Cut to the next scene where I am either running to my car hoping no big stone or pot spoon will hit my glass or I am turning up the radio so no neighbor can hear the sweet cuss-out I getting for being insensitive or I am being blasted on Facebook for being a C U Next Tuesday. How can you win?

I was just flirting! I didn’t sleep with you nor did I promise you a ring or marriage. So how come I am the bad guy?

All of this reflection is bursting through as I try to resolve what my REAL PROBLEM is….

Did I flirt too much? Is there a quota/limit on flirting?

Did I make promises I had no intention f keeping? No

Did I make a move? Nope. Not done

So what the hell did I do? You were too nice!

Oh Yes, I placed the notion of happiness into someone’s mind and they decided to take the thought further in theirs. Oh yes I see it all too clear!

I am the bad guy!!!

So forget the guy who left you stranded after a party or who cheated on you constantly but bought you gifts. Forget, the lies told to you and the times they didn’t show up or when they were angry for no reason. Forget the time he invited you out with his friends and you ended up paying the bill! Forget all of that!!

I am the NASTY person who came up to you, told you something nice and left you with a good feeling inside.  I may have hugged you as well (And boy do I give good hugs!!) but I am evil and nasty.

So let me say from the bottom of my heart that I am SORRY!!!

I vow to stop flirting from now on!!

(Insert Evil Grin here)

 
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Posted by on May 3, 2011 in Books, Relationships

 

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