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Through…..(Part 2)


“Stef, yuh ok?”

“I’m here if you need to talk”

“Nah boy you in a real mess! I thought I had issues..YOU have a lifetime subscription!”

“Try yuh best and don’t kill yourself eh”

“Is this a cry for help?”

“I believe you are clinically depressed.”

“Like yuh finally cracking. Don’t go shoot up work eh!”

“You are just ungrateful! You disgust me sometimes.”

“Are you gonna get counselling?”

“Maybe you should take some time off from work?”

“Don’t give up Stefan!”

So…..

I am going out on a limb here and guessing that I scared some people with my last blog post?  Trust me when I say that wasn’t the intention at all. It was meant as form of release.

I had actually written that blog in April, while in Tobago for Jazz.  I was staring at my laptop with my sprained right foot semi-hoisted in the air (well on room balcony), when I decided to write out the thoughts that had been pervading my mind for some time. And boy, did they come rushing out. I hardly have these discussions with other people as for some reason, they judge me harshly. Ignore the fact that when I am listening to their “woe is me diatribe” I don’t comment or even pass judgement. Yet for my brief lapses in judgement when I let people in, they seem to want to “Iyanla Van Zant” or “Dr. Phil”  my ass all into next week.

 

Anyway, so there I was, on the balcony of my room at Crown Point Beach Hotel, overlooking an amazing view of Store Bay and  typing away;  just listing stuff that I needed to have some measure of closure with in my life. As you see from the last blog, the list started off simple with Online Games and then it got really heavy with Love & Marriage. And then, after the first draft was finished and I realised that I had written 7 pages of thoughts….I felt better. My ankle still hurt like hell but I felt better emotionally.

Image

 

And that was the point of the blog. It was my version of therapy. It allowed me to release the demons lurking within, living rent-free and taking up valuable cupboard space and hogging the bathroom with the amount of sh…. that  was coming out of them.

 

For some people, it all good to have these thoughts only in their heads and in some way,they are able to compartmentalize them and deal with them in that same space. Well, it can’t work that way for me. I am a Hoarder in every aspect of the word. Plus I have way too many conversations going on up there for me to try and sort out stuff in the same space as well.

In every aspect of my life, I hold onto stuff and either use it as a crutch and/or  as a happy moment when 10-25 years later, the initial feeling that was associated with the event is no longer there and is replaced with…..nothing but false comfort. I’m like a junkie still trying to remember the first high but i’m never ever able to get it back.

And so I wrote out the pain, anguish and frustration and then I edited it about 15 times. It made me happy to do it. I felt relieved. I had finally gotten those thoughts out of my head and made room for other stuff. .

Posting it as a blog was another matter entirely.

That Wednesday night (May 14th), I had gotten home from work around 7pm and  decided to just listen to music instead of sitting mindlessly in front of the TV.  I put in a George Michael CD in called Symphonica (YES MEH STILL HAVE CDs..SO WHAT????) and started doing stuff around the apartment. The song “Through” came on and the emotion within it seem to envelop the room and me as well. I put the song on repeat and sat down to listen to it a second and third time. Right then and there, the words from the song, gave me my opening and closing quotes for the blog and then came the decision to post it.

As with everything, you are fine with the idea of posting it until you actually press “submit”. That was me. After pressing submit, I exhaled (don’t laugh). Then panic set in.

I think i wrote too much!  

What will people think?

Will they get the humor or think me crazy?

I decided that I would leave the post up for ten minutes and if no one commented within that time, I would take it down. One minute passed and Ian Reid commented on it and…

”FRAAAHNNNNCE!!!!!!!!!!” Even more panic set in… He didn’t see the humor!… Ok I can handle this.

By midnight, I had received four phone calls and numerous text messages; some complimentary. but most in a panic, worrying if i was about to commit suicide…

Suicide? Really? Me? .

If the “Titanic sized” level of “horn” and absolute betrayal that I have experienced in my many years on this planet hasn’t driven me to kill myself, I doubt me not wanting to sing or act or giving a damn about relationships would drive me suicide. I can barely swallow pills and I act like a baby if i get a paper cut. Let’s not even delve into hanging as my Boy Scout knots aren’t that good. If there is death by chocolate, or me drowning in cake or paratha with curried beef, then we can talk. Other than that, I will suffer the humiliation and the judgemental stares and looks and move on as I always do. No one is beating me that easily!

 

God has blessed me so many times in my life, who am I to bitch and moan about having no love life or with having no singing or acting career. Ummm in case you didn’t know, God sent me to Germany when I was 30 to do the Lion King and i think if that isn’t validation of His Love for me, then I honestly don’t know what is……

There are tonnes of stuff that I haven’t given up on :

  • Friendships (true friends never die..the number of people I know will diminish),
  • Photography – despite my inability to use or understand  Photoshop
  • My God Children – Sigh they have the most amazing parents and yet still they have time for me
  • My Family – People who are crazier than I am
  • Me….I still love this toolum colored person like hog love mud.

Come now, the little big lip, broad nose kid from Laventille never ever contemplated all the stuff and places that he would do and visit and my journey isn’t over yet.

So, I wrote this blog to let you know that I’m ok. Don’t you worry your head about me. I’ll be fine.

And to my haters out there that seem to read EVERYTHING I write and then have a meeting about how pathetic I  am… Thanks……You mean the world to me…..

Image

I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I wont cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on…..

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2014 in Emotions, Uncategorized

 

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Through…….


Is that enough?
I think it’s over
See, everything has changed
And all this hatred may just make me strong enough
To walk away

So i haven’t written anything in a long while and as usual it is not because there was nothing much to say but (like everything else in my life) i grew tired of doing it.

 

Yes, my commitment issues always rear their ugly head in weird places and times but it always arises. I don’t know why i can’t stick to a few things and just make it work. It just happens.

Let me list some of the things i gave up on over the past year or more:

1. ONLINE GAMES

Angry Birds Star Wars, Angry Birds Rio, Candy Crush, Farmville, Hidden Chronicles, Ruzzle and a host of other games. – I  think what did me in with those games is the fact that I kept losing to other people (sore loser here) and you can only go so far without having to spend money or depend on other players for your advancement. (Did I mention i also have trust issues, so the whole sending game requests thing is not something i was willing to entertain?. It reeked of dependency and i can only stomach doing it for short time periods.

 

2. This BLOG

I absolutely love writing and it helps to clear my mind from the myriad of thoughts, observations, opinions, rants etc that keep invading my mind on a daily basis. There was a time when i would stop what i was doing at work to write some random thought in my head before i would forget it.,I remember once pulling aside my car while on the highway so that i could jot down a thought that came to me. They all seemed brilliant at the time but in retrospect, most of the ideas were crap and I felt so embarrassed to look back at them later on. The thought “What was i thinking?” always popped into my head. Answer: I wasn’t.

 

There have also been the 10 or 12 blogs that i actually wrote and then thought that I was getting too personal or that no one would want to read that diatribe. Yup self-doubt kicked in and so i gave it a rest.

 

3. EXERCISE

For as long as I have been an actual working adult, I have had an issue with my weight. Somehow graduating from University and getting a real job meant that I ate my weight in KFC and roti without regard for my health or well being. I was never super skinny but the second tri-mester stomach i have sported for almost two decades is not something i am proud of but i have grown accustomed to it. I am happy to say that the double chin is gone and that I no longer wease (I think).

In 2012, I took the plunge and got a personal trainer in an attempt to get my weight under control. After a couple false starts with some less than desirable trainers, i found one that ignored my complaints and whipped me into shape. I actually ran a 5K and saw my clothing starting to fit me differently.

What I lacked was a proper diet and so the body shape never deviated much. So while i am fitter, my body still looks the same. Two carnivals later, i have seen changes in my friends’ bodies but none in mine. Yes i take responsibility for that but i’m tired. I am just thinking i am just too old to have a fit body. It requires way too much work.

It also doesn’t help that my younger brother looks like an extra from 300-The Movie or an extra from Magic Mike.  BIG WET STEUPS!!!!…

Image and then there’s me Image

 

4.  MUSIC-SINGING-ACTING

I am beginning to think that 2012 did something to my psyche

 

In 2012, I entered the T&T Music Festival as a means of getting my voice back into gear but it left me very despondent, and due to the fact that i am a real sore loser, I left the experience feeling crippled, useless and totally depressed. I retreated internally as i felt that what the Music Festival did was reinforce the fact that my voice isnt that special and that the talent i think i have is just a thing in my head.

 

My acting has been lukewarm at best and Soft core porn bad at its worst. I still love doing it but it doesnt love me.

 

Performing and performers are such fickle needy creatures that one bad review or comment can send a season actor into a tailspin in which they question life itself. I’m so not a seasoned actor/singer so i am totally fragile.

 

I need the applause to fuel me. Silence kills me inside.

 

Don’t laugh,  but just as Tinkerbell needs children to believe in her to she can survive, I too need the feedback. It doesn’t all have to be positive, but feedback helps. Silence kills me and lets me know that i need to go under a rock.

I wanted to do an intimate night of music with me as the main artiste back in 2013 ( for my 40th Year) but i gave up on that. Two attempts to tag along and sing in someone else’s concert never materialised, so onto the back burner went the singing.

2014 has seen some measure of resurgence in my love of music and i’ve started actually playing more CDs and listening to my ipod even more but it is nowhere to the level i was at in pre-2012.

I have like 6 lists of songs that i would like to sing but i’ve never tested any of them out to see if they are appropriate to be sung in my voice and not sound karaoke-esque or just plain bad.

 

5. LOVE & MARRIAGE

To be really honest, i think i gave up on this one a long time ago and i still think it is a futile quest in my case.

It’s not that I haven’t seen the face of love or its poster child on numerous occasions, I have reconciled ( hmm the official word for this post) internally that a certain type of love is just not for me.  God has blessed me in so many areas of my life and allowed me to have the most amazing experiences that growing up i never could fathom, that i think it would be rather boldface to be ungrateful that one aspect of my life hasn’t worked out. So what if I haven’t found love? So what if I haven’t found the ying to my yang or the cornmeal for my coo coo or the anchar for my beef roti? These things happen.

 

Psychologists and “Know-It-Alls” would say it has to do with being the product of divorced parents and the trauma that has caused me and my concept of love I say “bovine excreta”. I have hundreds of cases with other family members and lots of my friends where their parents are still together but for some weird reason, they haven’t found love either. In addition to this, both of my parents found love after their divorce and are happy..

 

Its kind of sad that even in the 21st century, not being in relationship/married/in common law/ shacked up etc at my age, one can be called “a freak” ( well only to those with 3 and 4 children who see me as being unworthy to hang in their circles but that is their issue, not mine.). It doesn’t mean I’m going to die alone. Err well it kinda does…hmmm… oh well. I’m cool with it..

 

When i look back at the people I thought I felt i was destined to be with (they number only 3), I realise how much I was “in love” and how much they were “just cool”. If they weren’t trying to be controlling or dropping subtle hints as to their dissatisfaction with some aspect of my life, i came to terms with the one common theme they all possessed. I was something they needed to fix. The love was never reciprocated. It was merely convenience and acceptance that Stefan would always be there for them but that needed tweaking in too many areas and that they weren’t willing to invest long term in the correction of same.

 

Strange thing though: sometimes I wonder if i was a ranked bastard in a previous life and then I realise that.. nope…I’m a good person who just makes bad choices in people…

 

When I look at someone and I see imperfections but what i see is potential. The potential to be a better person, the potential to love, the potential to make me happy; the potential of a fat joint income that  affords me a killer house (just kidding).  But i’ve stopped seeing it.

 

At my age, like the boy in the Sixth Sense,I also see dead people (well those that are dead inside).

I also see :

  1. Crazy people (I actually have a sixth sense about detecting the level of crazy in others).
  2. Desperation,
  3. the hopeless romantics,
  4. the “in love with love” but not with reality
  5. The Florence Nightingales
  6. The Gold Diggers
  7. The Fake intellectuals
  8. The “I found Jesus so he could help me find a good husband”
  9. The “I don’t need anyone but can we cuddle?”
  10. The “ Let’s just be Bedroom Buddies but I know you will fall for me so it will all work out”

and many more….

 

I have given up.

Completely….

 

I haven’t been looking for anyone since True Blood Season 2 ended.

 

I’m good….

 

No really.

 

I’m good.

 

CONCLUSION

So after writing down the list above, I begin to see that I am back to just existing in a vacuum. That is not a good feeling. The last time I felt like this , I was turning 30 and working mad hours at Citibank. Somehow I don’t think Disney/Hollywood is going to come calling for me at this age or that something new and exciting is around the corner that propels my mood into a different direction.

 

I’m older, crankier and less pudgier but still content.

 

This may be the start of another mid-life crisis for me, but i am so risk averse that i dont think i can actually stomach spending excessive amounts of money on anything that i will later regret (I get buyer’s remorse from buying a pair of sneakers).

 

So hear me now

I’ve enough of these chains

I know they’re of my making

No one else to blame for where I stand today

I’ve no memory of truth

But suddenly the audience is so cruel

So God, hey God you know why I’m through


Through….

 

 
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Posted by on May 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Janet Jackson, Where Were You?????


The reason for my title has to do with the fact that in most of the profound or cathartic periods of my life, there has always been a Janet Jackson song to go along with it or to soothe the savage beast of over-analysis. Let me give you some examples:
 
Let’s Wait Awhile (Control -1986):
Hmmm I wonder why that song. Let’s just say she wasn’t ready to be my girlfriend at the time. No, it had nothing to do with sex, she just preferred to be friends (steups..my apparent curse during part of my teenage years).
 
Someday Is Tonight (Rhythm Nation 1814 – 1989):
It finally happened. I lost my virginity in not the most romantic of situations but it was good all the same.She cried after it and said that she was happy. Of course that freaked me out at first…er actually it still freaks me out, but it was a really nice time.
 
Again (Janet -1993):
The person I would have considered as the prime and only candidate for “Soul Mate” status arrives back in Trinidad on vacation with her Husband and baby in tow. Cue animation sequence with a hammer striking my ego and heart. Tried talking to her on the phone , just to say “hi” and her husband came on and blocked me. Then I see them at Club cocnuts a few nights later and I was all torn up inside. I handled it well though. I don’t think anybody noticed or even realised that at the time I still harboured strong feelings for her. Sigh…This song from the album “Janet” hit the spot and was on rotation for months.
 
Everytime (Velvet Rope -1997) & Special
This song just summarised my feelings at that point since my lack of relationship prospects were jsut getting me down. Dating is so overrated and gets really tired after a while.
 
Better Days (All for You – 2000)
My rebuilding process. I was emerging out of the doldrums and becoming a more confident and bolder person.. plus sentimental crap was still mving me at the time. Plus I kept on with this anthem when i moved to Germany for the Lion King. It was great.
 
 
Well since then other events have occured but none that warranted a Janet song.  Hmmm then came this weekend.
 
Venue: CIC ALL Inclusive Fete
Place: St. Mary’s College Courtyard
Time: 7:15pm
Event: My “Soul Mate” (well former) greets me  unexpectedly.
 
Hear nah, if i had a weak heart, that would have been the end of me. She greeted me with the words, “you are supposed to be in aruba”. I laughed at it. Apparently she had to come to Trinidad suddenly to see an ailing relative. I saw her and didn’t know what to say. I just kept repeating the words “It is great to see you.. wow”.
 
Well that went on for awhile and so for another hour and a half we sat talking about her family, her life in Canada and about my life since then. During the conversation, I kept thinking of a song to describe this feeling or to make sense of the event. The only blinking song that came to mind was so inappropriate and nonsensical.  Deja Vu by Dionne Warrick was first at bat and it just wasn’t leaving my brain. Nothing esle seemed to come to me. (Great now that crappy Dionne Warrick song is back in my head).  Before entering the party, i was listening to Heather Headley’s New CD in the car (It’s good but can get monotonous) and her CD only fit my recent experience with S, so i was at a loss once again.
 
As the night wore on i gave up trying to find a song and just enjoyed the Fete. I left her with some of her old school chums from University of Waterloo and went on having a good time. It was most obvious that we (her and I) are at different life stages – She hosts Children’s Bible Games with her husband, while the last time i went to church..hmm well let’s not get into that. I was a bit jealous of her. Jealous of her happiness and obvious glow. She was settled, in a happy mariage and had the most adorable children (Yes she had pics of everyone on her Ipod Nano). As for me, well, I was still searching. I however do not knock in anyway my accomplishments to date but i always wonder….
 
Take me back in time maybe I can forget. Turn a Different Corner….”  
 
Going down memory lane can be a bitch but after all it is the past and we need to move on. I didn’t try anything on her nor did I have the inkling to. She also looked non-chalant about meeting me anyway. It was obvious that we grew up and for the most part, I think that a friendship is all that is left. Not a close one but a respectful one.  She will always be someone dear to my heart but the feelings of yore are no longer there.
 
Great another song pops into my head (more appropriate than Dionne Warrick)
 
Though you’re someone in this world that I’ll always choose to love.
From now on you’re only someone that I used to love
 
Wow, Natalie Cole hit the spot ,but jeez how old is this song?
 
So Janet, if you are reading this, I really needed a song to express the strange feeling a seeing an old love after a long time and the added emotion of knowing that things have changed.  I await the new album to address this discrepancy and to fill the void that resulted in the musical soundtrack of my life.
 
Bye ARP
 
 
 
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Posted by on February 6, 2006 in Emotions, Entertainment, Music, Relationships, TV

 

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