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4 MINUTES


The title of this blog will make sense in awhile. In the meantime, let me inform you that the subject-matter included below is not for everyone and some may choose to stop reading once it becomes apparent.

Ever had one of those days where you have a stomach ache? Well I had one this afternoon and I couldn’t understand why I had no desire to egest or egest gaseously so I was concerned that something was wrong with my stomach.

What did I have for breakfast/lunch/ mid morning snack?

Let’s see:

  • Breakfast:  Quaker Oats with Granola
  • Mid Morning snack: Two Pricesmart brownies
  • Lunch: Bhaji Rice, Red Beans and Veggies (No meat)
  • Drink: Water. Lots of water

Thirty minutes after having lunch, I had another brownie (don’t judge me!)

Anyway around 2:30pm, my stomach began to felt weird. I, of course, ignored it and continued with the mountain of work on my desk.

2:45 pm – My godson, Dillon, came by and we spoke on a myriad of things and then I dropped him home around 3:15pm. My stomach was still queasy but I completely forgot about it during my time with him.

3:30pm – I’m back at the office and it starts to hurt even more. I take a trip to the bathroom but nothing is happening. Not even empty farts. I managed to play three rounds of Frozen Free Fall in the bathroom and headed back to my desk. Pain subsided.

5:15 pm – I drove out of the building. Destination: HOME.

5:30 pm – Stomach started to rumble but this time it was going at a pace, It was hurting. I took another sip of water that I had in the car and it subsided slightly

5:45 pm – Just passed Starlite Shopping Plaza when it happened. The PING!

I describe it as “the PING” because it is the only way I can describe the feeling. It’s the sound a microwave makes to tell you that your food is ready. My stomach rumbling was the food heating up in the microwave and then “The PING” happened.

My stomach was ready to eject the contents and it was in a hurry to expel it.  The problem is….. I was still in traffic and a long way from my apartment. I started to map out every friend’s house that was nearby but then i realised that my OCD would NEVER allow me to embarass myself to do this in someone else’s house and I honestly couldn’t guarantee that the smell that would be ejected would be Pot Pouri-esque. So I knew what I had to do…

Cue Kiefer Sutherland’s Voice:

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE 
BETWEEN 5:58 P.M. AND 6:02 P.M.
5:58 P.M
This damn traffic not MC moving!!! Why am I still in front of Starlite? Oh Lord Jesus this hurts..
5:59 P.M.
I have unbuckled my belt and I’m on the Diego Martin Highway clocking significant speed but that damn traffic light at Crystal Stream is on red. Ah can’t take it. I’m moving alot in the car and trying to concentrate on other stuff but it’s like really there….You know..by the edge of my bottom. I’m clenching as much as I can but its there.
5:59: 48:52
I buckle back up my trousers much tighter than it was….It not working.. Oh no.. I’m at the edge of the seat. Chest right up on the steering wheel. Help!!
6:00:25
This light not CHANGING!!! OH GOD Please don’t let me mess up my Car! Please GOD! I promise to be good
6:00:55
GREEN!!! Breathe Stefan Breathe……Police Car in front… Steups! Ah go take that ticket some other time. He go have to follow me home. Another Green light! Turn!! Turn!!!
I’m sweating profusely and I have taken off my tie and my unbuttoned my shirt….I need to breathe. Mamee it hurts.. it hurts really bad!
6:01:35 – I park outside the apartment but i can’t move fast. It’s literally RIGHT THERE!! Shit house keys fell in the road. I’m bending to pick up and I let out what feels like a wet fart…
Image
OH OH! RUN BOY RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Shoes off in drive way!. Belt on ground in the porch!
Keys in door…Door remains open….rushes… Pants giving trouble to come off….ow ow ow ow ow
It’s there! Oh NO! It coming down…..NOOOOOOO!
6:02: 05 – SIGH!!

 

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And how was your day?

 

 
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Posted by on May 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Muscles (The Prayer Edition)


Dear God,
Normally I try not to burden you with these minor requests/prayers since I know there are people praying for far more important things, like healing from sickness, end to war, food for their children, a home or safe delivery of their baby, or end to their poverty etc…. but Lord I need your help here.

I thought about asking my friends to help me find a solution but in the end I think that dealing with you directly might help matters. Divine intervention always move things along speedily and sometimes a solution jumps out at you when none existed before. So while my request is not at the top of the prayer line nor even in the top 500,000 requests….here it is:

“De belly not going down. What to do?”

Yes, I know that I can’t expect miracles overnight and it has only been 3 weeks but I see and feel no change in anything. My diet has changed, I have eaten very little bread at all and there is no late night eating despite the gripping hunger that sets in around 10pm. So what is really going on? Ok Ok the potato salad, rice and baked chicken by Cindy on Saturday didn’t help, nor did the food from Creole kitchen (sans macaroni pie) on Sunday but hey I have been good otherwise.

Oh and Lord, I know you are going to ask about the Personal Trainer but you know that I made alot of bad decisions and well he counts as a really bad one. I have tried to be understanding when he tells me he can’t make it Wednesday to Friday because of class at UWI (far be it for me to deny someone an education). I even suggested he leave a work-out plan with me for the time he is not there but he says he prefers if he is there to supervise me on the machines. Eh? We both know that doesn’t happen when he is there as he is also doing his own work-out on other machines when he assigns me. So what am I do?

Actually Lord, I did get your very subtle message/hint about him on Saturday when you got him to text me, out of the blue, to ask for a $400 loan so that it may contribute to his wisdom teeth extraction fund. I, of course assumed it was a slight advance on next month’s training fees but when he announced that he won’t be able to train me for at least two weeks when the teeth come out, I wondered if I was being “Punk’d”.

Am I Lord being Punk’d or will there be a solution to my problem?

What lesson are you teaching me here that I didn’t/haven’t learned already?

Why are you being so harsh on me? I know you taught me to love my body and I do but I still look as if I am in my second trimester and it is no longer funny.

Was it you who sent Natalie Bell Smythe to tap my belly this morning?

Not nice eh but I got the message loud and clear.

So Heavenly Father, I ask for your guidance and for a sign as to what is my next step.

HELP!

Thank you Lord….AMEN

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2011 in Fitness, Food, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Hear My Call


Jill Scott is the TRUTH!!!

Off of her new Album The Light of The Sun

Read the lyrics:

HEAR MY CALL

[Verse 1]
Here I am again asking questions,
Waiting to be moved.
I am so unsure of my perception,
What I thought I knew I don’t seem to
Where is the turn so I can get back to what I believe in?
Back to the old me and

[Chorus]
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

[Verse 2]
I’ve been such a fool
How did I get here?
Played by all the rules
Then they changed

I am but a child to your vision
Standing in the cold and the rain
Lost here in the dark
I can’t see.
Gotta take a stand, what is happening?
Oh, this hurts so bad. I can hardly breathe.
I just want to leave so

[Chorus x2]
God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me.
Love has burned me raw I need your healing
I need Your healing.

—-

Now Listen:

Ignore the first minute of talk….wait for the song..

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2011 in Emotions, Entertainment, Music, Poetry, Uncategorized

 

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Caught Up In The Rapture!


It’s the end of the world as we know it.

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine….fine

R.E.M.

  

So, I wasn’t “raptured” on Saturday, and if you are reading this, then I guess you weren’t either.  

 

I must admit that I did not believe nor even react to the announcement earlier this month that the World would end, aka “The Rapture” would take place, on May 21, 2011 at 6pm (how specific can you get!!).  On first hearing it, I scoffed at the notion. I was raised on excessive amounts of Sunday School teachings so I knew that no man knows the hour nor day when God would return.  It did however raise an interesting question:

 

QUESTION: If God were to really announce his return, would we believe it?

 

In this age of Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Bieber, Ke$ha , Glee, Ipads, Droid Technology and self indulgent idiots who post half naked pics of themselves in bathrooms on Facebook, would we even know that something this significant was happening?

 

Would we even care if God decided that he wanted to give us all a chance to repent and fix our lives so he gave us a fixed deadline in which to do it? Would we do it? Would we take up the challenge or would we continue to be caught up in the drivel that sometimes consumes us.

 

I didn’t know the answer.

 

All I knew is that I sneered at the idea of “The Rapture” and just went about my life as usual. The thought did cross my mind to ask for forgiveness for some personal stuff I would have done but in my mind these weren’t major sins (as if sin has degrees or categories), so I felt I was in a good place to be “called up to meet HIM”.

 

Then as the 6:00pm deadline fast approached, various thoughts started to plague me:

 

I thought about people that I no longer speak to and whether I should tell them that I hold no grudge or animosity towards them. Then I realised that I didn’t, but I didn’t want those idiots thinking that I missed them or still acknowledged their existence.  Forgive me Father for being haughty!

 

I thought about people who owed me money and were delinquent in paying me back or even acknowledging that they owed me money.- That just made me want to say a prayer for “lost causes” and forgive myself for being stupid enough to loan them the money in the first place.  I realised that over the years I did wish harm or some sort of karmic fury on them but since I know it didn’t happen, I will leave it all to God. Forgive them Father. I finally have.

 

I thought about my family and my relative distance from them emotionally and how I should seek to correct it. – Then I realised that I saw no effort on their part to correct it either so it must work for them as well.  Forgive me Father for not wanting to fix this.

 

I thought about the people who can’t seem to keep my name out of their mouths and thoughts and those who don’t have a kind word to say about me. Then I realised that they all just want piece of this “hunk of burning love” and they hate that they can’t and will never get any of it.  Forgive me for my inflated ego

 

I thought about the secrets that I kept for people and for myself and whether I should tell some people the whole truth about some situations. Then I realised that I would be creating drama and possibly upsetting the lives of some married couples, friends, enemies and family. Nah, these can stay buried. It is truly amazing the things people confess to you when they are in crisis and how easily they forget about it.  Forgive me for thinking about using the info to my advantage.

 

I thought about my love of food and my weight. Then I realised Jesus wasn’t the one who had issues with my size or love of food.  It was me and all the negative images and people that I allowed to harass my soul. Forgive me for listening to idiots and not you

 

I thought about the unfulfilled life: the lack of children, the absence of a partner, the need for a home of my own, the unrealised musical career, the underutilization of my talents….I could go on but there’s no use. Choices are made, decisions are taken and life goes on.  The paths that I have chosen may not have always been the easy ones and I know some were chosen for me because I failed to make a decision fast enough but I’m glad. I have no regrets. Thank you Lord

 

I then asked God for forgiveness for anyone I may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt and also just to have mercy on this often confused and sometimes, weary soul.

 

Then 6:00pm came and nothing happened.

 

6:05pm –         Nothing.

6:06pm –         Wrote on Facebook : sigh….. I’m still here! So I guess work on Monday….

6: 10pm –        Called my Mom. She was still here. I thought for sure she would go….

6:15pm –         Wondered if Pastor Cuffie was still here?

6:25pm –         Tried to get some sleep and see if it happens then

11:50pm –       Nope nothing….Steups!!

 

I realise now that I have been granted a stay of execution and so I have time to make things right with my life and with those around me.

 

I slept all day Sunday…….

 

 

 

What I learned I rejected but I believe again

I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition

If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven?

 

We all had our reasons to be there

We all had a thing or two to learn

We all needed something to cling to

So we did

 

We all had delusions in our head

We all had our minds made up for us

We had to believe in something

So we did

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2011 in Emotions, Family, Food, Music, Relationships

 

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Love Song For No One


In the midst of helping a friend move this afternoon, this song came on my ipod and I swear for the first time it seemed to make sense.

Have you ever wondered if you missed the person you were supposed to be with or if they are never coming? I normally don’t worry about these things but for some reason the song resonated through me and made me send a small prayer up to God. I say small prayer because there are so many more important matters God has to deal with that I don’t want to trouble him with a long explanation on this topic.

I have resigned myself that this “love” thing is so not for me or that I am paying for the sins of a previous life. Any way you choose to look at it, I may end up being the cranky old man in your neighbourhood that the kids are scared of.

Then I hear a song like this and hope springs eternal in my ear. I will come down to reality in time, but for now let me bask in the hope this song brings…..

Check out the Lyrics to the song:

LOVE SONG FOR NO ONEJohn Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I’m jaded
I hate it

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I’m so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here oh yeah

I’m tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I’m so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You’ll be so good
You’ll be so good for me

——-

Here is the song:

 
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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in Music, Relationships

 

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