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Oops!….I Did It Again


I think sufficient time has passed since this incident occurred that I feel comfortable enough that I can now speak about it.  It is hard at my age to be shocked or go through some measure of unexpected trauma, but believe me it can happen.  I am not immune to the ills of this world. I suffer like everyone else, but my approach is to deal with it internally.

If I see that an issue continues to plague my psyche, then I will write it out as that is an effective way of healing my soul.  Then you have those incidents that after writing it out, you feel a need to publish so that other victims of this crime can know that they are not alone.

I don’t mean to be cryptic but I just wanted to let you know…….I’ll be okay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Here’s my story:

I have told friends time and time again that they are NOT to try and “set me up” with anyone; on any kind of date or potential match making exercise.  There are too many people that parade around as excellent match makers when their lives are in a big mess.  Their relationships sometimes are reminiscent of “Ike & Tina” but for all intents and purposes, they know who is good for me. Why?

I have been on this planet long enough to know when someone is right for me or when the whole idea of a date is a bad idea.

On many occasions I have stated that I’ve been blessed with two superpowers:

  • The ability to slow down to a crawl, any line/queue I join and,
  • The ability to sense mad/crazy people out of any crowd.

I am laughed at for my claims of these two powers but I’ve never been wrong.

I remember once attending a concert at Queens Hall, where Carol Addison was the headliner with a huge cast of supporting acts. I was bored for most of it and then I sensed a disturbance in the Hall. The Master of Ceremonies came on and announced that some gifted young female performer was coming on to sing and that the audience was going to be moved.

Then she appeared….Dressed all in black with long gloves and slowly sauntering onto the stage. At that point I turned to my friend Giselle and said, “Oh boy, this one looks like she got a night pass from St. Anns (reference to the mental hospital less than a mile away from Queens Hall). Giselle scolds me for my assessment; then the young lady began to speak

Lady in Black:

A Pleasant Good Evening everyone. My name… (You must think I’m crazy to even call her name here!) and I am here to bless you in song. In all my years as a songwriter, I’ve been inspired by lots of things but nothing has moved me to write beautiful melodies more than the area where I grew up.  

Toco!.

  And so tonight I am going to bless you with a song I wrote about my beloved village of Toco and it’s called……

Toco.

I turned to Giselle at this point but she was purposely not returning my stare.  The music started and she began to sing… Sing? Umm, well… that’s an exaggeration. Strange music followed by strange noises flowing through this individual who seems to think she was channeling a cat in heat or the Seagull from the Little Mermaid. If this was what Toco represented to her in song, then I think it should be declared a national disaster area!

She ended with a slow coooo and outstretched both hands and tilted her head back like Whitney Houston.

whitney outstretched

Then she walked off.

No thank you! No bow! Nothing!

She just left the stage…

It was then I knew my powers were strong.

Anyway, as usual I digress…….. Back to the story.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was set up on a date.

It was not my first set up but it represented one of the last ones i ever allowed. I did not want to go on this date, but my alleged “friend” suggested that I “Man Up” and stop being such a crotchety old man and embrace destiny.

Normally I would politely decline or give one or two excuses:

  • Umm I think I’m washing my hair that day”
  • “Psalm 1 – Jesus doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked

But as usual my alleged friend insisted that I go out with this mature 25 year old mother of one on a date. Nothing fancy just a movie as she is getting over a bad break up and just needs a gentleman like me to treat her nice.

I have no problem with being nice but she insisted it be a date and that I call this young person and chat as “she had a good feeling about this”. I had a feeling too, but at the time it was just disgust at the fact that people involved in relationships seem to think all single people need to be in relationships as apparently our lived aren’t fulfilled enough.

Anyway, after much protest, I called the young lady and we spoke on the phone twice and messaged each other over the course of a couple days and well she seemed to be cool. I was just being my usual funny self and cracking jokes and making observations so that she felt at ease with me.

Eventually we decided to meet up by going to see a movie. She chose the movie and we met up the following day at Movietowne for this “date”.

Cut to this Tuesday afternoon and I’m heading towards the cinema entrance and I feel a tad odd. I ignore the feeling and meet up with her. She smiles. I smile. I shake her hand  and say

Do I make the grade or do you want to phone a friend and get out of this”:

She laughs heartily :  “Nah I’m good

It was at the point of the laugh that I realized that the disturbance in the force was coming from her. While the laugh wasn’t creepy, it felt a tad overdone and lasted way too long, but I just put it down to me being paranoid as usual.

We settled ourselves into the theater, Screen 10, to be precise with only 10 other patrons for the viewing of this “Disaster” movie. All seemed to going well. We ate the snacks we purchased and made a few comments during the trailers and then we settled down for the beginning of the movie.

Then it began…..

All of a sudden she started to sigh a lot. Not really sigh but breathe heavily. I ignored it at first but I slowly started to feel her heart beating through the arm rest we were sharing.

I turned to her and asked if everything was alright and she replied: “Yes”

Then it happened…she slid her hand on my lap and started to squeeze my thigh.

I did not flinch but I looked at her when she did it and she just smiled. Being the gentleman that I am, I took her hand from my thigh and placed it in my hand and held it there for a bit. She started to play with my hand.

Then her hand got loose and it forgot about my thigh and headed straight to my groin area and she squeezed. Alas she did not squeeze what she thought she squeezed so I cringed in pain and laughed and told her to go easy on me.

She gave the laugh again.

She then grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest as she may have assumed I was a cardiologist. I felt that her heart was racing and I inquired why it was beating so fast.

Girl: I’ve never been out with someone as handsome as you are before.

Me: We will take you to Optometrist Today tomorrow to have those eyes checked cuz I think you going blind

Girl laughs out loud while on the movie screen a family has just been crushed by a falling debris.

I grabbed her hand once more and with that one she seemed to settle down as she placed her head on my shoulder.

This lasted for like ten minutes then she adjusted her head and started staring at me directly. I was met with a kiss on my lips when I turned my head in her direction. Then my face was grabbed by two tiny hands and we began to kiss. She is a really good kisser except for the parts where she started to lick my nose.

I told her let’s behave ourselves before we are kicked out of movie.

Girl: Nah dem does only fuss when bullermen kissing in here.

MeYou’ve seen this happen?

Girl: Yeah man. But it’s natural for couples like us to kiss in movies

Me: Couples like us you say?. Hahahahahaha (nervously)

To cut a long story short, I was fondled, groped up and my ear and earlobes licked profusely until I think I lost hearing at one point.  All this time I’m trying to be a gentleman, given the age difference and the fact that my days for making out in cinema ended when Robinson was Prime Minister. Besides all this, I have a little class. I’m not “stoosh/stush”, I just know how to conduct myself as an adult in a PUBLIC AREA. I did kiss back and hug her up etc but I just wasn’t into all the “feel up” session in the cinema.

In the end, I asked her to tone down on the groping and that we just watch the movie. This apparently upset her greatly as she halted all bodily contact at this point.

We sat in silence and watched to the end of the movie.

I asked if she wanted to go for a drink after. She just shook her head and continued walking towards her car.  I tried to make other small talk but she was not having it. Her face was upset and she was giving me tone when she spoke.

I honestly couldn’t be bothered.

I called the matchmaker IMMEDIATELY after my date drove off and asked her to concentrate on Peace in Middle East and leave my lack of a love life out of her future missions. When I started to get into the details, she got another call from “her” friend and well from all reports…I was an asshole.

Following this incident, I called a long time friend whom I had taken to cinema when I was 14 and whom I think I had assaulted in this manner way back then. When I explained to her that I was calling to apologise for our movie outing to go see Total Recall and my apparent “friskiness” back then, she let out one loud scream followed by a serious fit of laughter.

I explained to her what had just taken place and how I never knew what it felt like to be groped up like that and that I just wanted to apologise profusely. She said there was no need to and that Karma took a while but she was happy for the apology and for the good laugh.  Truth be told, at the age of 14 she didn’t mind my advances and that I didn’t assault her anywhere near to what I just described to her. She said she remembers me just holding her hand a lot and kissing it.

EPILOGUE

Both Matchmaker and the 25 Year old mother no longer speak to me and one has deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on all of her Social media platforms (the matchmaker).

I still don’t know what I did wrong and actually I am not sorry for anything that I did. There is a time and place for everything and I had begged her not to try and meddle with my life.

I had expressed to her my strong objection to going on a date with 25 year old but she insisted that the girl was very mature and grounded for her age. Plus I was chastised for being an ageist and for not understanding that people are talking about me and my lack of relationships.  When I told her that I didn’t care about those things, she just said that I should learn to give people a chance and let love into my life. (I swear Tyler Perry has destroyed the psyche of most black people with his movies)

Anyway, that’s my tale.

I am a survivor and I hope my story allows others to come forward and deal with the pain of rejection and assault that they have experienced while out with strangers.

Let’s be careful out there people!

 
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Posted by on September 1, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

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Selfish


I may have told this story before but every year around this time I am cursed with the recurring memory of my mother shouting to me one Christmas Eve night in 1986:

“Yuh see YOU! You are a SELFISH child! Just Selfish and Ungrateful!”

A speech was given after this introduction but like every Charlie Brown Christmas Special all I heard after that was

Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah…..Nothing else stuck!

I won’t go into the reasons she called me selfish except to say that I was not appreciative of the gift I had received that Christmas.

Move forward to 2011 and I just don’t bother with Christmas nor do I even expect gifts from anyone at all. 

Every year, I get the same excuses that I get for my birthday:

You too hard to shop for and me aint have no setta money to be buying up stuff for all kinda people

My response: So I am now all kinda people? Nice!

 ——–

I just don’t bother anymore.

Apparently it is ok for everyone to be selfish but if I demand attention, I am the one that is not understanding or appreciative of people…LOL, and people wonder why I live alone and love it!!!!

Anyway, I realise that every year people become more and more selfish around Christmas time but in their eyes, they just believe that its their of enjoying the Christmas Season to the Max.

I had the privilege of being a part of a Children’s Christmas Party put on by the Unit my office falls under. We went to Pt Cumana Primary Government School on Saturday 10th December and threw them a Christmas Party. It was fun (well as much fun as a room full of screaming children can be).

 

During the organising process, the team leader for the party suggested that we get extra gifts for the event, just in case other children come along to the party. I quickly raised my hand and said that it should not be done as we need to stop feeding the “Gimme Gimme” mentality from an early age. My comment was shut down as they thought I should grow a heart before speaking about children like that.

 

In my wisdom I couldn’t understand how someone who doesn’t go to the school could come to a party they weren’t invited to and expect a gift. It boggled my mind.

I am glad no one took me on. Cut to the day of the party and with the arrival of Santa, you saw kids with eyes beaming and all smiles. As each name was called, you saw some kids light up and others had worried looks on their faces as if they believed their names would not be called. I actually had to comfort a couple kids when I saw their faces morphing into wailing banshees…

 

That day every kid got a present and all were happy. It was a weird feeling to see the happiness in their faces. Even the ones that didn’t belong to the school got a present and didn’t care. Once they heard their names, joy was in their hearts. I was touched.

 

I would ignore the fact that one kid on seeing that he received a book and some comics, threw it into a corner and sucked his teeth (He was 14 and in Standard 4). And another dropped her present somewhere and went to maco other kids presents and on returning could not find her. She walked up to Santa and told him that she lost her present and so she needed another one to go home with. Sigh… Kids say the darndest things..

There was also the bully who kept pushing kids in the bouncy castle and taking their stuff while they were eating it, but on the sight of Santa, he started to scream and ran to his mother for protection.

The Bully!

 

Anyway I mentioned this event because when we got back to work on Monday, our Group Head sent out an email congratulating the two organisers of the event and everyone who took part. However, only the two organisers names were mentioned and a group of people started to complain that they worked so hard and deserved the recognition.  Then one let it slip that they only attended the event so that on their Performance Appraisal Report they would have done some Community work.

Jigga WHAT!!

I was livid!  I was on my feet for over 5 hours taking pictures of these low levels demons that kept either pulling at my camera or insisting that I do mini photoshoots with them and their friends.

The Camera Puller!!

I was accused of not being a very good photographer; his daddy is better. (Steups!!) One even tapped me on my bottom and told me that it real big and she walked away laughing hard. (Alas I could not express my weight issues to the child, she would not understand, but given the size of her mother, I knew karma would return to her later on).  Anyway, my point is that I did this because I wanted to. I didn’t do it for accolades or for my appraisal form; I did it because I like helping out.

 

I never realised is that this is the common mood of people around Christmas time, they are just super-self serving bastards!  To appease the disgruntled masses, my immediate boss gave instructions to issue a free Movietowne Ticket pass to each of the people that helped out on the day. I refused mine on the account that I am always there anyway and like the “opium of the masses dictates” – My reward is in heaven.

 

On another note, A friend had told me about a co-worker whose daughter had a hole in her heart and that the father was busy trying to raise money for an operation. My friend had put forward an idea to the person in charge of the Christmas party that they take $50 out of their $225 per person allocation for the party and give it to help the guy with his funding raising exercise.  The organiser loved the idea but when she put it to other staff members they flatly rejected it saying that the organisation doesn’t give them much and so they want a good party.

 

Really? That was the response?

 

Oh yes it was. So ignore the fact that most people who attend Christmas functions don’t eat much nor do they drink a lot either (It is just one or two that drink til they are drunk and embarrass everyone else); they however need to see the food go to waste to prove that they had a good time. 

This however doesn’t apply to me as no matter where I am I make friends with the caterers as I am a single man and a few pastelles, samosas, quiches with ham and turkey slices can go along way in preventing me from cooking on a daily basis.

I have therefore given up on the goodness of man and their ability to do the right thing. I was once told by someone that the magic of Christmas means they can’t lie to people on Christmas day. Yeah right! So for the other 364 days it’s ok?

Where has the love gone?

Where is the true meaning of Christmas?

Did we ever know the TRUE meaning of Christmas?

Were we always pretending?

Every year, I get the nice emails/text messages from family members who will remain nameless and it always talks about what they want.  I laugh at each of them because they always start off saying that they don’t need much for Christmas and then the list goes on about alternative gift suggestions should I not be able to get the item that they really want!

In the end, I still get them something though and it is mainly because my mother told me 25 years ago that I was SELFISH and UNGRATEFUL!

I know some of you remember me complaining about getting Detour T-shirts for Christmas from my Mom and therefore think that I should be appreciative, well my basic problem with the gift is that there was no thought put into it.  She walked into a Detour outlet, saw aSaleonJerseys, (probably 3 for $100/150) and bought them and proceeded to give one to me, one to my brother and they other to my step dad.  That required no thought at all. Was I not even deserving of someone actually shopping around and coming up with a present for me alone?  Somehow more time is devoted to children and gift giving than on adults.

Please remember the song said: To kids from 1 to 92 (and not 19 as I previously thought)…

So here am I, stuck feeling guilty all this time while everyone else is…well…you know how you are……

So no matter where you are or what you believe: 

Happy Holidays,

Merry Christmas

Shub Naya Varsh

Feliz Natal

Froehliche Weihnachten

Joyeux Noel

Buone Feste Natalizie

 
1 Comment

Posted by on December 13, 2011 in Entertainment, Holidays, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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This is Not A Fete In Here………


This is MADNESS!!

Now see here!

Listen up People!!

When I go to the movies, I go for the escape of reality. To drown myself in another world where someone else has problems and is finding a solution in a comedic, violent, dramatic or sci-fi way. I just love the MOVIES!!!

What I DON’T like is having my movie going experience interrupted by a cell phone ringing and the person answering it and trying to talk above the movie into their phone. I also don’t appreciate the need to relate or talk through the movie with your significant other. If you want to discuss the movie, RENT IT!!  I did not pay money to hear you ask “Why is will power de color green?” or “How come the chinee boy from the other movie in this one” Sigh….

I just can’t win. And the thing is, there is no single  race, color or creed offender.  Everyone seems to do it. Some more than others.  Whether it be granny on the phone telling her nephew that the movie almost done so he has to come pick her up or the one who decided mid-way into Thor that she need to call someone to tell them to reschedule the meeting for 10am instead of 9am; everyone seems to not care about my movie-going experience!

However, I am most perturbed about recent events that have been occurring in Movietowne  –

The Influx of Natives:

 INCIDENT ONE:

One month  ago, while standing in line at the Concession stand, waiting to buy my Chicken Combo (don’t judge me, I take juice not soda with the meal), I see a girl go up to an empty counter and she is trying to catch the attention of one of the servers in the back

Ay… Ay… am….. you …. Gimme a Sweet popcorn dey nah”

“Maam no one is working at this counter, you will have to join another  line.”

“Steups……”

She looks at both lines then walks over to my line  and repeats her order, interrupting the girl and her boyfriend presently giving their order. (I said girl and her boyfriend only because de bastard just stood there and didn’t pay for the food nor did he help her with the tray that included his food.)

“Amm excuse me but can’t you see I am serving someone here. You need to go to the back of the line”

“Steups,  me aint joining dat stinking line.  Is only one ting ah want.”

She turns to the girl at this time

“Amm excuse. Yuh could buy a sweet popcorn for me? Ah go geh yuh de money”

The girl obliges. I believe it was primarily out of fear because she realised that this girl had an obviously vanguard hairstyle that stood up and didn’t move. Plus she looked as if she was not opposed to fighting with anyone. In the meantime, the boyfriend has said nothing and he kept looking around while this incident transpired.

On seeing these events unfold, I whispered to myself…..”Movietowne need to raise their prices, yes“.  It was odd that the people around me heard me and concurred.

(Shucks, I need to remember:. Inner Monologue…..Inner Monologue)

 

INCIDENT TWO

“Ahm Ah keeping six seats for people,so no yuh cyah get dem”

“How come the commercials not in 3D?”

“These glasses hutting meh face. Ah go watch de movie without it”

“Why de light still on? Globe does take it off for Previews”

“Whey allyuh see dat commercial? It BAAD eh!!”

“Dey didn’t give me a straw and me aint see no ketchup bottles anywhere”

“Boy de have dem ting in silver containers to de side, just like in KFC.”

“Oh ok, go and bring some for me nah. Ah cyah eat dis chicken dry so”

“ahm  ah want a dollar from all ah allyuh dat i keep seat for.”

“Wey dis movie have REAL Commercials boy!”

“Look dat man nose like it in 3D!!” (Speaking of Shadow in the Radio Tambrin commercial)

“Dat Digicel commercial real bad hoss!”

“Ay…..Yow…… Ay Kerwin, yuh wah some popcorn (his friend is like ten seats away)”

“Nah man I good”

“Yuh sure? cuz I aint sharing none later.”

“Wey 3D bad boy!! Ah cyah wait for 4D”

“It doh have dat boy”

“Steups you aint see de commercial on tv de odder day? It have it boy!”

“Me aint watching no cartoon shit!”

“A wonder if I get to keep de glasses after?”

“If ah break it ah sure i could keep it!”

—————–

Strangely enough, once the movie started they were relatively quiet but HEAVENS TO MURGATROID they were super loud before this. The weird thing is that no one in front of me dared to every turn around and acknowledge the level of noise that was occuring. They were all scared.

Was I scared? Oh Hell No!  I know that one must never look certain animals in the their eyes or they will attack!

I was really curious as to how they all managed to be at Movietowne instead of Globe or even Cinemas 8. Then it hit me. It’s month-end and therefore this is their idea of splurging on something.

NOTE TO SELF: No more movies at month-end.

 
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Posted by on July 1, 2011 in Entertainment, Movies, Uncategorized

 

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