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4 MINUTES


The title of this blog will make sense in awhile. In the meantime, let me inform you that the subject-matter included below is not for everyone and some may choose to stop reading once it becomes apparent.

Ever had one of those days where you have a stomach ache? Well I had one this afternoon and I couldn’t understand why I had no desire to egest or egest gaseously so I was concerned that something was wrong with my stomach.

What did I have for breakfast/lunch/ mid morning snack?

Let’s see:

  • Breakfast:  Quaker Oats with Granola
  • Mid Morning snack: Two Pricesmart brownies
  • Lunch: Bhaji Rice, Red Beans and Veggies (No meat)
  • Drink: Water. Lots of water

Thirty minutes after having lunch, I had another brownie (don’t judge me!)

Anyway around 2:30pm, my stomach began to felt weird. I, of course, ignored it and continued with the mountain of work on my desk.

2:45 pm – My godson, Dillon, came by and we spoke on a myriad of things and then I dropped him home around 3:15pm. My stomach was still queasy but I completely forgot about it during my time with him.

3:30pm – I’m back at the office and it starts to hurt even more. I take a trip to the bathroom but nothing is happening. Not even empty farts. I managed to play three rounds of Frozen Free Fall in the bathroom and headed back to my desk. Pain subsided.

5:15 pm – I drove out of the building. Destination: HOME.

5:30 pm – Stomach started to rumble but this time it was going at a pace, It was hurting. I took another sip of water that I had in the car and it subsided slightly

5:45 pm – Just passed Starlite Shopping Plaza when it happened. The PING!

I describe it as “the PING” because it is the only way I can describe the feeling. It’s the sound a microwave makes to tell you that your food is ready. My stomach rumbling was the food heating up in the microwave and then “The PING” happened.

My stomach was ready to eject the contents and it was in a hurry to expel it.  The problem is….. I was still in traffic and a long way from my apartment. I started to map out every friend’s house that was nearby but then i realised that my OCD would NEVER allow me to embarass myself to do this in someone else’s house and I honestly couldn’t guarantee that the smell that would be ejected would be Pot Pouri-esque. So I knew what I had to do…

Cue Kiefer Sutherland’s Voice:

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE 
BETWEEN 5:58 P.M. AND 6:02 P.M.
5:58 P.M
This damn traffic not MC moving!!! Why am I still in front of Starlite? Oh Lord Jesus this hurts..
5:59 P.M.
I have unbuckled my belt and I’m on the Diego Martin Highway clocking significant speed but that damn traffic light at Crystal Stream is on red. Ah can’t take it. I’m moving alot in the car and trying to concentrate on other stuff but it’s like really there….You know..by the edge of my bottom. I’m clenching as much as I can but its there.
5:59: 48:52
I buckle back up my trousers much tighter than it was….It not working.. Oh no.. I’m at the edge of the seat. Chest right up on the steering wheel. Help!!
6:00:25
This light not CHANGING!!! OH GOD Please don’t let me mess up my Car! Please GOD! I promise to be good
6:00:55
GREEN!!! Breathe Stefan Breathe……Police Car in front… Steups! Ah go take that ticket some other time. He go have to follow me home. Another Green light! Turn!! Turn!!!
I’m sweating profusely and I have taken off my tie and my unbuttoned my shirt….I need to breathe. Mamee it hurts.. it hurts really bad!
6:01:35 – I park outside the apartment but i can’t move fast. It’s literally RIGHT THERE!! Shit house keys fell in the road. I’m bending to pick up and I let out what feels like a wet fart…
Image
OH OH! RUN BOY RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
Shoes off in drive way!. Belt on ground in the porch!
Keys in door…Door remains open….rushes… Pants giving trouble to come off….ow ow ow ow ow
It’s there! Oh NO! It coming down…..NOOOOOOO!
6:02: 05 – SIGH!!

 

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And how was your day?

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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Muscles (The Prayer Edition)


Dear God,
Normally I try not to burden you with these minor requests/prayers since I know there are people praying for far more important things, like healing from sickness, end to war, food for their children, a home or safe delivery of their baby, or end to their poverty etc…. but Lord I need your help here.

I thought about asking my friends to help me find a solution but in the end I think that dealing with you directly might help matters. Divine intervention always move things along speedily and sometimes a solution jumps out at you when none existed before. So while my request is not at the top of the prayer line nor even in the top 500,000 requests….here it is:

“De belly not going down. What to do?”

Yes, I know that I can’t expect miracles overnight and it has only been 3 weeks but I see and feel no change in anything. My diet has changed, I have eaten very little bread at all and there is no late night eating despite the gripping hunger that sets in around 10pm. So what is really going on? Ok Ok the potato salad, rice and baked chicken by Cindy on Saturday didn’t help, nor did the food from Creole kitchen (sans macaroni pie) on Sunday but hey I have been good otherwise.

Oh and Lord, I know you are going to ask about the Personal Trainer but you know that I made alot of bad decisions and well he counts as a really bad one. I have tried to be understanding when he tells me he can’t make it Wednesday to Friday because of class at UWI (far be it for me to deny someone an education). I even suggested he leave a work-out plan with me for the time he is not there but he says he prefers if he is there to supervise me on the machines. Eh? We both know that doesn’t happen when he is there as he is also doing his own work-out on other machines when he assigns me. So what am I do?

Actually Lord, I did get your very subtle message/hint about him on Saturday when you got him to text me, out of the blue, to ask for a $400 loan so that it may contribute to his wisdom teeth extraction fund. I, of course assumed it was a slight advance on next month’s training fees but when he announced that he won’t be able to train me for at least two weeks when the teeth come out, I wondered if I was being “Punk’d”.

Am I Lord being Punk’d or will there be a solution to my problem?

What lesson are you teaching me here that I didn’t/haven’t learned already?

Why are you being so harsh on me? I know you taught me to love my body and I do but I still look as if I am in my second trimester and it is no longer funny.

Was it you who sent Natalie Bell Smythe to tap my belly this morning?

Not nice eh but I got the message loud and clear.

So Heavenly Father, I ask for your guidance and for a sign as to what is my next step.

HELP!

Thank you Lord….AMEN

 
1 Comment

Posted by on October 3, 2011 in Fitness, Food, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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Pray For You


And people call me bitter…….

This guy says the things I would NEVER say to anyone. I may think it but never say it..

ENJOY!

After that I needed to hear some KINA!! Why she isn’t famous I will never know!

Not the best quality but I LOVE IT

BTW:

These videos are not for anyone.

As an artiste, I relate to misery easier than that love thing!

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 4, 2011 in Entertainment, Music, Relationships

 

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