“Stef, yuh ok?”
“I’m here if you need to talk”
“Nah boy you in a real mess! I thought I had issues..YOU have a lifetime subscription!”
“Try yuh best and don’t kill yourself eh”
“Is this a cry for help?”
“I believe you are clinically depressed.”
“Like yuh finally cracking. Don’t go shoot up work eh!”
“You are just ungrateful! You disgust me sometimes.”
“Are you gonna get counselling?”
“Maybe you should take some time off from work?”
“Don’t give up Stefan!”
I am going out on a limb here and guessing that I scared some people with my last blog post? Trust me when I say that wasn’t the intention at all. It was meant as form of release.
I had actually written that blog in April, while in Tobago for Jazz. I was staring at my laptop with my sprained right foot semi-hoisted in the air (well on room balcony), when I decided to write out the thoughts that had been pervading my mind for some time. And boy, did they come rushing out. I hardly have these discussions with other people as for some reason, they judge me harshly. Ignore the fact that when I am listening to their “woe is me diatribe” I don’t comment or even pass judgement. Yet for my brief lapses in judgement when I let people in, they seem to want to “Iyanla Van Zant” or “Dr. Phil” my ass all into next week.
Anyway, so there I was, on the balcony of my room at Crown Point Beach Hotel, overlooking an amazing view of Store Bay and typing away; just listing stuff that I needed to have some measure of closure with in my life. As you see from the last blog, the list started off simple with Online Games and then it got really heavy with Love & Marriage. And then, after the first draft was finished and I realised that I had written 7 pages of thoughts….I felt better. My ankle still hurt like hell but I felt better emotionally.
And that was the point of the blog. It was my version of therapy. It allowed me to release the demons lurking within, living rent-free and taking up valuable cupboard space and hogging the bathroom with the amount of sh…. that was coming out of them.
For some people, it all good to have these thoughts only in their heads and in some way,they are able to compartmentalize them and deal with them in that same space. Well, it can’t work that way for me. I am a Hoarder in every aspect of the word. Plus I have way too many conversations going on up there for me to try and sort out stuff in the same space as well.
In every aspect of my life, I hold onto stuff and either use it as a crutch and/or as a happy moment when 10-25 years later, the initial feeling that was associated with the event is no longer there and is replaced with…..nothing but false comfort. I’m like a junkie still trying to remember the first high but i’m never ever able to get it back.
And so I wrote out the pain, anguish and frustration and then I edited it about 15 times. It made me happy to do it. I felt relieved. I had finally gotten those thoughts out of my head and made room for other stuff. .
Posting it as a blog was another matter entirely.
That Wednesday night (May 14th), I had gotten home from work around 7pm and decided to just listen to music instead of sitting mindlessly in front of the TV. I put in a George Michael CD in called Symphonica (YES MEH STILL HAVE CDs..SO WHAT????) and started doing stuff around the apartment. The song “Through” came on and the emotion within it seem to envelop the room and me as well. I put the song on repeat and sat down to listen to it a second and third time. Right then and there, the words from the song, gave me my opening and closing quotes for the blog and then came the decision to post it.
As with everything, you are fine with the idea of posting it until you actually press “submit”. That was me. After pressing submit, I exhaled (don’t laugh). Then panic set in.
I think i wrote too much!
What will people think?
Will they get the humor or think me crazy?
I decided that I would leave the post up for ten minutes and if no one commented within that time, I would take it down. One minute passed and Ian Reid commented on it and…
”FRAAAHNNNNCE!!!!!!!!!!” Even more panic set in… He didn’t see the humor!… Ok I can handle this.
By midnight, I had received four phone calls and numerous text messages; some complimentary. but most in a panic, worrying if i was about to commit suicide…
Suicide? Really? Me? .
If the “Titanic sized” level of “horn” and absolute betrayal that I have experienced in my many years on this planet hasn’t driven me to kill myself, I doubt me not wanting to sing or act or giving a damn about relationships would drive me suicide. I can barely swallow pills and I act like a baby if i get a paper cut. Let’s not even delve into hanging as my Boy Scout knots aren’t that good. If there is death by chocolate, or me drowning in cake or paratha with curried beef, then we can talk. Other than that, I will suffer the humiliation and the judgemental stares and looks and move on as I always do. No one is beating me that easily!
God has blessed me so many times in my life, who am I to bitch and moan about having no love life or with having no singing or acting career. Ummm in case you didn’t know, God sent me to Germany when I was 30 to do the Lion King and i think if that isn’t validation of His Love for me, then I honestly don’t know what is……
There are tonnes of stuff that I haven’t given up on :
- Friendships (true friends never die..the number of people I know will diminish),
- Photography – despite my inability to use or understand Photoshop
- My God Children – Sigh they have the most amazing parents and yet still they have time for me
- My Family – People who are crazier than I am
- Me….I still love this toolum colored person like hog love mud.
Come now, the little big lip, broad nose kid from Laventille never ever contemplated all the stuff and places that he would do and visit and my journey isn’t over yet.
So, I wrote this blog to let you know that I’m ok. Don’t you worry your head about me. I’ll be fine.
And to my haters out there that seem to read EVERYTHING I write and then have a meeting about how pathetic I am… Thanks……You mean the world to me…..
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I wont cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on…..