The title of this blog will make sense in awhile. In the meantime, let me inform you that the subject-matter included below is not for everyone and some may choose to stop reading once it becomes apparent.
Ever had one of those days where you have a stomach ache? Well I had one this afternoon and I couldn’t understand why I had no desire to egest or egest gaseously so I was concerned that something was wrong with my stomach.
What did I have for breakfast/lunch/ mid morning snack?
- Breakfast: Quaker Oats with Granola
- Mid Morning snack: Two Pricesmart brownies
- Lunch: Bhaji Rice, Red Beans and Veggies (No meat)
- Drink: Water. Lots of water
Thirty minutes after having lunch, I had another brownie (don’t judge me!)
Anyway around 2:30pm, my stomach began to felt weird. I, of course, ignored it and continued with the mountain of work on my desk.
2:45 pm – My godson, Dillon, came by and we spoke on a myriad of things and then I dropped him home around 3:15pm. My stomach was still queasy but I completely forgot about it during my time with him.
3:30pm – I’m back at the office and it starts to hurt even more. I take a trip to the bathroom but nothing is happening. Not even empty farts. I managed to play three rounds of Frozen Free Fall in the bathroom and headed back to my desk. Pain subsided.
5:15 pm – I drove out of the building. Destination: HOME.
5:30 pm – Stomach started to rumble but this time it was going at a pace, It was hurting. I took another sip of water that I had in the car and it subsided slightly
5:45 pm – Just passed Starlite Shopping Plaza when it happened. The PING!
I describe it as “the PING” because it is the only way I can describe the feeling. It’s the sound a microwave makes to tell you that your food is ready. My stomach rumbling was the food heating up in the microwave and then “The PING” happened.
My stomach was ready to eject the contents and it was in a hurry to expel it. The problem is….. I was still in traffic and a long way from my apartment. I started to map out every friend’s house that was nearby but then i realised that my OCD would NEVER allow me to embarass myself to do this in someone else’s house and I honestly couldn’t guarantee that the smell that would be ejected would be Pot Pouri-esque. So I knew what I had to do…
Cue Kiefer Sutherland’s Voice:
THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE5:58 P.M
BETWEEN 5:58 P.M. AND 6:02 P.M.
This damn traffic not MC moving!!! Why am I still in front of Starlite? Oh Lord Jesus this hurts.. 5:59 P.M.
I have unbuckled my belt and I’m on the Diego Martin Highway clocking significant speed but that damn traffic light at Crystal Stream is on red. Ah can’t take it. I’m moving alot in the car and trying to concentrate on other stuff but it’s like really there….You know..by the edge of my bottom. I’m clenching as much as I can but its there. 5:59: 48:52
I buckle back up my trousers much tighter than it was….It not working.. Oh no.. I’m at the edge of the seat. Chest right up on the steering wheel. Help!! 6:00:25
This light not CHANGING!!! OH GOD Please don’t let me mess up my Car! Please GOD! I promise to be good 6:00:55
GREEN!!! Breathe Stefan Breathe……Police Car in front… Steups! Ah go take that ticket some other time. He go have to follow me home. Another Green light! Turn!! Turn!!! I’m sweating profusely and I have taken off my tie and my unbuttoned my shirt….I need to breathe. Mamee it hurts.. it hurts really bad! 6:01:35 – I park outside the apartment but i can’t move fast. It’s literally RIGHT THERE!! Shit house keys fell in the road. I’m bending to pick up and I let out what feels like a wet fart… OH OH! RUN BOY RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! Shoes off in drive way!. Belt on ground in the porch!
Keys in door…Door remains open….rushes… Pants giving trouble to come off….ow ow ow ow ow
It’s there! Oh NO! It coming down…..NOOOOOOO! 6:02: 05 – SIGH!!
And how was your day?