- I think the 30 minute wait for a roti at Don’s should be declared a criminal offence. You must know your daily traffic and volumes by now to fix this problem! But OOOOH the roti tasted GOOD!
- Saw the video from Mad Cobra’s “Flex” in a taxi on Saturday night. The driver had a tablet built into his Nissan Sentra dashboard for passenger viewing. I had forgotten how boring that video was.
- Had two people, on separate occasions, point out afterwards that the respective cashiers were flirting with me. While I’m so oblivious to most flirting episodes directed me; in hindsight, I realised that my food orders on both occasions didn’t reflect any ounce of favoritism. #theywerejustbeingpolite #imeasylikesundaymorning #iputoutforfood
- So Trouble has been bullying Heff since his arrival. On Sunday night, they had a fight (Instigated by Trouble, of course) and lo and behold Heff pinned Trouble to the ground briefly and she was in shock. I gave Heff the biggest hug and rub belly for that move. #proudpapa #saynotobullies
- Apparently Maxi Drivers don’t take too kindly when you go into another Maxi when they were apparently waiting for you. It’s only been a few weeks, why this man assuming a special friendship? It’s only $5 we are exchanging daily and mild small talk.
- I think I bring out the crazy in people. It may be dormant but somehow interacting with me activates this “tick”.
- The shock and awe when you realise the Award Winning Actor from 12 Years A Slave, & Doctor Strange (Mordo) – Chiwetel Ejiofor played the Drag Queen Lola in the Movie Kinky Boots.
- I’m not gaining weight, however over this week, two of my work trousers ripped in the back. I’m guessing that fitted trouser look is not for me.
- Sat in the front passenger seat of a Left Hand Drive Taxi and a Traffic Police officer in St James shouted at me to get off my phone. I stared at him and said “ Do you see a steering wheel near me?”. He tried to give me a “bounce” to try to diffuse the situation.
- Benetton staff no longer insult me about not having my size when I go shopping there. This development confuses my low self-esteem. Any recommendations for clothing store that insults their customers?
- I was challenged by someone (based on my Sports’ post) to “quit my bitching and man up”. Strange though, since he is the one in Family Court for Child Maintenance.
- Saw a woman moisturizing her leg outside the entrance of Rituals St Clair with the Jergens bottle on the table who told me to mind my business as I passed. “Oh so sorry, didn’t realise this was your bedroom!” She let out one scandalous laugh. I wasn’t moved to join in.
- People have been asking me if I’m willing to adopt another dog. As a single parent, I cannot afford another one especially since Trouble needs to see a Psychologist and Heff needs to be enrolled in a Sports Camp or gym (that dog lazy!!!).
- Little Caesar’s Pizza in Valsayn isn’t bad at all. Wings are cheaper and bigger than those you get at …………….. The pizza is ready in less than 10 mins and it’s not as oily as ……………… or as rubbery as.………… (fill in the gaps)
- My PS3 has given me the yellow light of death after 6 years of faithful use. No flowers by request. Monetary donations will accepted and will be forwarded to its favorite charity. ME!!!
Tag Archives: Trinidad
- I never knew Mangoes belonged to the list of Laxative Foods. Overdosed on Mangoes on Saturday and was wondering why I was going to the toilet so frequently.
- Walked into The St Ann’s Catholic Church on Sunday Morning around 9:30am and walked back out promptly and waited until I saw my hue entering said church. I felt slightly unsafe before. #paranoidmuch #fixmejesus #lordhearus #getout
- Haven’t been to a Catholic Mass in over a decade. Seems like they changed up some words as I normally am spot on with the responses during Mass.
- Was told I was wrong for letting my dogs acquire the taste for mangoes. “The last thing I need is to be competing with my dogs for any mango that drops from the tree in my yard” uttered Cindy Theroulde. #noshame
- SUPPRESSED MEMORY FLASHBACK: Opting not to Travel home with Schoolmates because “Fat Kathy” From Arima Senior Sec was loud and always had something disparaging to tell me and when I answered her back she always wanted to fight with me. I guess it’s decades now that I’m angering people to the point of violence
- Maybe I fell asleep the two times I saw Wonder Woman, but to me, it was just okay. It wasn’t brilliant or awesome. Well if compared to other DC movies, then it’s a home run but to me it was “Thor” level good. Plus I got upset every time Steve Trevor put his hand to the back of Diana as if to steer her in a direction.
- But Robin Wright/Claire Underwood as Antiope was “LIFE”!
- There must be at least a 30 minute cooling off period before one begins work when one has used public transportation. One cannot just jump into work after enduring such an ordeal. You have to refocus your chi, after being around so many different forces.
- Facebook must know I don’t like people as I never get these Friend Anniversary notices beyond the ones other people post.
- Took a walk last night to clear my head (still car-less) and ended up by KFC St. Lucien Road. I dug in my pockets and realized I only had enough for a Kids Pack. I got no toy with my meal. Sigh….
- Saw a picture of Crispy Skin Pork on Damian LukPat Photograpghy’s Instagram page and all of a sudden Foreigner’s “I Wanna Know What Love Is” started to play in my head.
- QUESTION OF THE WEEK: How come people always willing to let you take a “Cheat Day” from your diet but will crucify you for a “Cheat Day” from your spouse? Wouldn’t both scenarios hurt you in the long run?
- If I call an UBER, I don’t expect them to be asking me what is the best route to get to my house or even hint to me that they are not familiar with Port Of Spain. That is a Red Flag for me jump out your car and go get a Maxi.
- While I appreciate the Maxi Taxi driver that sometimes waits for me on mornings, I don’t need him insisting that I sit in the front seat so he could have a lively debate. It happened the first few times but its still the morning and I’m not accustomed to speaking to anyone til 9am.
- House of Cards has made me a serious cynic when watching American Politics. I don’t believe anything anymore.
I think sufficient time has passed since this incident occurred that I feel comfortable enough that I can now speak about it. It is hard at my age to be shocked or go through some measure of unexpected trauma, but believe me it can happen. I am not immune to the ills of this world. I suffer like everyone else, but my approach is to deal with it internally.
If I see that an issue continues to plague my psyche, then I will write it out as that is an effective way of healing my soul. Then you have those incidents that after writing it out, you feel a need to publish so that other victims of this crime can know that they are not alone.
I don’t mean to be cryptic but I just wanted to let you know…….I’ll be okay.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Here’s my story:
I have told friends time and time again that they are NOT to try and “set me up” with anyone; on any kind of date or potential match making exercise. There are too many people that parade around as excellent match makers when their lives are in a big mess. Their relationships sometimes are reminiscent of “Ike & Tina” but for all intents and purposes, they know who is good for me. Why?
I have been on this planet long enough to know when someone is right for me or when the whole idea of a date is a bad idea.
On many occasions I have stated that I’ve been blessed with two superpowers:
- The ability to slow down to a crawl, any line/queue I join and,
- The ability to sense mad/crazy people out of any crowd.
I am laughed at for my claims of these two powers but I’ve never been wrong.
I remember once attending a concert at Queens Hall, where Carol Addison was the headliner with a huge cast of supporting acts. I was bored for most of it and then I sensed a disturbance in the Hall. The Master of Ceremonies came on and announced that some gifted young female performer was coming on to sing and that the audience was going to be moved.
Then she appeared….Dressed all in black with long gloves and slowly sauntering onto the stage. At that point I turned to my friend Giselle and said, “Oh boy, this one looks like she got a night pass from St. Anns (reference to the mental hospital less than a mile away from Queens Hall). Giselle scolds me for my assessment; then the young lady began to speak
Lady in Black:
A Pleasant Good Evening everyone. My name… (You must think I’m crazy to even call her name here!) and I am here to bless you in song. In all my years as a songwriter, I’ve been inspired by lots of things but nothing has moved me to write beautiful melodies more than the area where I grew up.
And so tonight I am going to bless you with a song I wrote about my beloved village of Toco and it’s called……
I turned to Giselle at this point but she was purposely not returning my stare. The music started and she began to sing… Sing? Umm, well… that’s an exaggeration. Strange music followed by strange noises flowing through this individual who seems to think she was channeling a cat in heat or the Seagull from the Little Mermaid. If this was what Toco represented to her in song, then I think it should be declared a national disaster area!
She ended with a slow coooo and outstretched both hands and tilted her head back like Whitney Houston.
Then she walked off.
No thank you! No bow! Nothing!
She just left the stage…
It was then I knew my powers were strong.
Anyway, as usual I digress…….. Back to the story.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I was set up on a date.
It was not my first set up but it represented one of the last ones i ever allowed. I did not want to go on this date, but my alleged “friend” suggested that I “Man Up” and stop being such a crotchety old man and embrace destiny.
Normally I would politely decline or give one or two excuses:
- “Umm I think I’m washing my hair that day”
- “Psalm 1 – Jesus doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked”
But as usual my alleged friend insisted that I go out with this mature 25 year old mother of one on a date. Nothing fancy just a movie as she is getting over a bad break up and just needs a gentleman like me to treat her nice.
I have no problem with being nice but she insisted it be a date and that I call this young person and chat as “she had a good feeling about this”. I had a feeling too, but at the time it was just disgust at the fact that people involved in relationships seem to think all single people need to be in relationships as apparently our lived aren’t fulfilled enough.
Anyway, after much protest, I called the young lady and we spoke on the phone twice and messaged each other over the course of a couple days and well she seemed to be cool. I was just being my usual funny self and cracking jokes and making observations so that she felt at ease with me.
Eventually we decided to meet up by going to see a movie. She chose the movie and we met up the following day at Movietowne for this “date”.
Cut to this Tuesday afternoon and I’m heading towards the cinema entrance and I feel a tad odd. I ignore the feeling and meet up with her. She smiles. I smile. I shake her hand and say
“Do I make the grade or do you want to phone a friend and get out of this”:
She laughs heartily : “Nah I’m good”
It was at the point of the laugh that I realized that the disturbance in the force was coming from her. While the laugh wasn’t creepy, it felt a tad overdone and lasted way too long, but I just put it down to me being paranoid as usual.
We settled ourselves into the theater, Screen 10, to be precise with only 10 other patrons for the viewing of this “Disaster” movie. All seemed to going well. We ate the snacks we purchased and made a few comments during the trailers and then we settled down for the beginning of the movie.
Then it began…..
All of a sudden she started to sigh a lot. Not really sigh but breathe heavily. I ignored it at first but I slowly started to feel her heart beating through the arm rest we were sharing.
I turned to her and asked if everything was alright and she replied: “Yes”
Then it happened…she slid her hand on my lap and started to squeeze my thigh.
I did not flinch but I looked at her when she did it and she just smiled. Being the gentleman that I am, I took her hand from my thigh and placed it in my hand and held it there for a bit. She started to play with my hand.
Then her hand got loose and it forgot about my thigh and headed straight to my groin area and she squeezed. Alas she did not squeeze what she thought she squeezed so I cringed in pain and laughed and told her to go easy on me.
She gave the laugh again.
She then grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest as she may have assumed I was a cardiologist. I felt that her heart was racing and I inquired why it was beating so fast.
Girl: I’ve never been out with someone as handsome as you are before.
Me: We will take you to Optometrist Today tomorrow to have those eyes checked cuz I think you going blind
Girl laughs out loud while on the movie screen a family has just been crushed by a falling debris.
I grabbed her hand once more and with that one she seemed to settle down as she placed her head on my shoulder.
This lasted for like ten minutes then she adjusted her head and started staring at me directly. I was met with a kiss on my lips when I turned my head in her direction. Then my face was grabbed by two tiny hands and we began to kiss. She is a really good kisser except for the parts where she started to lick my nose.
I told her let’s behave ourselves before we are kicked out of movie.
Girl: Nah dem does only fuss when bullermen kissing in here.
Me: You’ve seen this happen?
Girl: Yeah man. But it’s natural for couples like us to kiss in movies
Me: Couples like us you say?. Hahahahahaha (nervously)
To cut a long story short, I was fondled, groped up and my ear and earlobes licked profusely until I think I lost hearing at one point. All this time I’m trying to be a gentleman, given the age difference and the fact that my days for making out in cinema ended when Robinson was Prime Minister. Besides all this, I have a little class. I’m not “stoosh/stush”, I just know how to conduct myself as an adult in a PUBLIC AREA. I did kiss back and hug her up etc but I just wasn’t into all the “feel up” session in the cinema.
In the end, I asked her to tone down on the groping and that we just watch the movie. This apparently upset her greatly as she halted all bodily contact at this point.
We sat in silence and watched to the end of the movie.
I asked if she wanted to go for a drink after. She just shook her head and continued walking towards her car. I tried to make other small talk but she was not having it. Her face was upset and she was giving me tone when she spoke.
I honestly couldn’t be bothered.
I called the matchmaker IMMEDIATELY after my date drove off and asked her to concentrate on Peace in Middle East and leave my lack of a love life out of her future missions. When I started to get into the details, she got another call from “her” friend and well from all reports…I was an asshole.
Following this incident, I called a long time friend whom I had taken to cinema when I was 14 and whom I think I had assaulted in this manner way back then. When I explained to her that I was calling to apologise for our movie outing to go see Total Recall and my apparent “friskiness” back then, she let out one loud scream followed by a serious fit of laughter.
I explained to her what had just taken place and how I never knew what it felt like to be groped up like that and that I just wanted to apologise profusely. She said there was no need to and that Karma took a while but she was happy for the apology and for the good laugh. Truth be told, at the age of 14 she didn’t mind my advances and that I didn’t assault her anywhere near to what I just described to her. She said she remembers me just holding her hand a lot and kissing it.
Both Matchmaker and the 25 Year old mother no longer speak to me and one has deleted me off of Facebook and blocked me on all of her Social media platforms (the matchmaker).
I still don’t know what I did wrong and actually I am not sorry for anything that I did. There is a time and place for everything and I had begged her not to try and meddle with my life.
I had expressed to her my strong objection to going on a date with 25 year old but she insisted that the girl was very mature and grounded for her age. Plus I was chastised for being an ageist and for not understanding that people are talking about me and my lack of relationships. When I told her that I didn’t care about those things, she just said that I should learn to give people a chance and let love into my life. (I swear Tyler Perry has destroyed the psyche of most black people with his movies)
Anyway, that’s my tale.
I am a survivor and I hope my story allows others to come forward and deal with the pain of rejection and assault that they have experienced while out with strangers.
Let’s be careful out there people!
“Stef, yuh ok?”
“I’m here if you need to talk”
“Nah boy you in a real mess! I thought I had issues..YOU have a lifetime subscription!”
“Try yuh best and don’t kill yourself eh”
“Is this a cry for help?”
“I believe you are clinically depressed.”
“Like yuh finally cracking. Don’t go shoot up work eh!”
“You are just ungrateful! You disgust me sometimes.”
“Are you gonna get counselling?”
“Maybe you should take some time off from work?”
“Don’t give up Stefan!”
I am going out on a limb here and guessing that I scared some people with my last blog post? Trust me when I say that wasn’t the intention at all. It was meant as form of release.
I had actually written that blog in April, while in Tobago for Jazz. I was staring at my laptop with my sprained right foot semi-hoisted in the air (well on room balcony), when I decided to write out the thoughts that had been pervading my mind for some time. And boy, did they come rushing out. I hardly have these discussions with other people as for some reason, they judge me harshly. Ignore the fact that when I am listening to their “woe is me diatribe” I don’t comment or even pass judgement. Yet for my brief lapses in judgement when I let people in, they seem to want to “Iyanla Van Zant” or “Dr. Phil” my ass all into next week.
Anyway, so there I was, on the balcony of my room at Crown Point Beach Hotel, overlooking an amazing view of Store Bay and typing away; just listing stuff that I needed to have some measure of closure with in my life. As you see from the last blog, the list started off simple with Online Games and then it got really heavy with Love & Marriage. And then, after the first draft was finished and I realised that I had written 7 pages of thoughts….I felt better. My ankle still hurt like hell but I felt better emotionally.
And that was the point of the blog. It was my version of therapy. It allowed me to release the demons lurking within, living rent-free and taking up valuable cupboard space and hogging the bathroom with the amount of sh…. that was coming out of them.
For some people, it all good to have these thoughts only in their heads and in some way,they are able to compartmentalize them and deal with them in that same space. Well, it can’t work that way for me. I am a Hoarder in every aspect of the word. Plus I have way too many conversations going on up there for me to try and sort out stuff in the same space as well.
In every aspect of my life, I hold onto stuff and either use it as a crutch and/or as a happy moment when 10-25 years later, the initial feeling that was associated with the event is no longer there and is replaced with…..nothing but false comfort. I’m like a junkie still trying to remember the first high but i’m never ever able to get it back.
And so I wrote out the pain, anguish and frustration and then I edited it about 15 times. It made me happy to do it. I felt relieved. I had finally gotten those thoughts out of my head and made room for other stuff. .
Posting it as a blog was another matter entirely.
That Wednesday night (May 14th), I had gotten home from work around 7pm and decided to just listen to music instead of sitting mindlessly in front of the TV. I put in a George Michael CD in called Symphonica (YES MEH STILL HAVE CDs..SO WHAT????) and started doing stuff around the apartment. The song “Through” came on and the emotion within it seem to envelop the room and me as well. I put the song on repeat and sat down to listen to it a second and third time. Right then and there, the words from the song, gave me my opening and closing quotes for the blog and then came the decision to post it.
As with everything, you are fine with the idea of posting it until you actually press “submit”. That was me. After pressing submit, I exhaled (don’t laugh). Then panic set in.
I think i wrote too much!
What will people think?
Will they get the humor or think me crazy?
I decided that I would leave the post up for ten minutes and if no one commented within that time, I would take it down. One minute passed and Ian Reid commented on it and…
”FRAAAHNNNNCE!!!!!!!!!!” Even more panic set in… He didn’t see the humor!… Ok I can handle this.
By midnight, I had received four phone calls and numerous text messages; some complimentary. but most in a panic, worrying if i was about to commit suicide…
Suicide? Really? Me? .
If the “Titanic sized” level of “horn” and absolute betrayal that I have experienced in my many years on this planet hasn’t driven me to kill myself, I doubt me not wanting to sing or act or giving a damn about relationships would drive me suicide. I can barely swallow pills and I act like a baby if i get a paper cut. Let’s not even delve into hanging as my Boy Scout knots aren’t that good. If there is death by chocolate, or me drowning in cake or paratha with curried beef, then we can talk. Other than that, I will suffer the humiliation and the judgemental stares and looks and move on as I always do. No one is beating me that easily!
God has blessed me so many times in my life, who am I to bitch and moan about having no love life or with having no singing or acting career. Ummm in case you didn’t know, God sent me to Germany when I was 30 to do the Lion King and i think if that isn’t validation of His Love for me, then I honestly don’t know what is……
There are tonnes of stuff that I haven’t given up on :
- Friendships (true friends never die..the number of people I know will diminish),
- Photography – despite my inability to use or understand Photoshop
- My God Children – Sigh they have the most amazing parents and yet still they have time for me
- My Family – People who are crazier than I am
- Me….I still love this toolum colored person like hog love mud.
Come now, the little big lip, broad nose kid from Laventille never ever contemplated all the stuff and places that he would do and visit and my journey isn’t over yet.
So, I wrote this blog to let you know that I’m ok. Don’t you worry your head about me. I’ll be fine.
And to my haters out there that seem to read EVERYTHING I write and then have a meeting about how pathetic I am… Thanks……You mean the world to me…..
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
I’ll survive, I’ll be fine, I wont cry, no way
I’m a be OK,
I’m a be OK,
Don’t you talk, I’ll move on…..
I was honestly going to let it slide but since my brain can’t let things rest until I have aired it outside of my head, here goes…….
Late Sunday night, I got a Facebook alert telling me someone had mentioned me in a comment. Curious as to why I am being mentioned (plus I like the attention) I looked;
Here is the result:
Umm I was shocked at the detail he went into and how personally he took every aspect of the movie. Many things sprung to mind the day after this Facebook post and here are a couple thoughts (some were expressed to him on his page).
• It is a freaking Zombie movie! What part of reality is this based?
• Someone takes my reviews seriously?
• Were there no positive racial tones in the movie? Wait! it’s a FREAKING movie about ZOMBIES!!! WHO CARES?
I read all the comments on his page and only one conclusion came to mind.
People actually take my movie reviews seriously?
I mean, come now, I post three to four sentence dribbles about movies I have seen on my Flixster account and some of those comments may appear on my Facebook page but I really don’t make much out of it. I just see it as one human ranting succinctly on stuff. However, to think that there are people out there who value my opinion on something…well… I feel….honored…even though my opinion is always just that.
MY OPINION! Ebert & Roeper I’m certainly not!
I have been known to be wrong on some occasions, not many, but just a few occasions.
I love movies! Always have, always will. I am one of those children that didn’t play outside much. It’s not that children didn’t want to play with me, there was just so much going on, on TV, in books and in the Cinema!!! Who wants to get sweaty when you can lie down with a good book and a pack of Crix or be in front of the TV with a bag of “Rough Tops” or “Shirley” biscuits, or at the movies with my usual staple: A Large popcorn and a bottle of water! Sigh…the simple pleasures
I just relish what I see on screen and transport myself into each and every world that is displayed. Of course, during the course of my life, I have exhibited behaviour like Keron and therefore expressed my displeasure at either the lack of “black” characters in a movie or the fact that they always die off early. Then I realised, if it’s a good movie, what does it matter? If these things bothered me so much then obviously I should be doing something about it instead of just complaining or boycotting movies.
But I digress….My awakening to how stupid I was being came one day in London while watching De-Lovely with my friend Matthew in one of the Odeon Cinemas. The movie was going really well and I was thoroughly enjoying it and then it happened: Nearing the end of the movie, they snuck in Natalie Cole singing “Every time We Say Goodbye”. At what was supposed to be a poignant and heartfelt moment in the movie, I let out a loud “Steups” and said “this is when they bring the black woman in?” Matthew was not pleased at all and afterwards made me realise that instead of enjoying the movie for what it was, I turned it into something about race, instead of what it was meant to be; a moment to have allergies at up.
I wouldn’t say that from that moment on, I was cured of my affliction, but over time I realised that if I made an effort to see someone’s work on the screen (be it Josh Whedon, M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong, Adam Sandler or gulp Tyler Perry) I deserved to let them tell their story the way they wanted it told. After all it is THEIR story. Afterwards, I would make my usual comments about poor script or plot development or bad acting but I would never bring race into the issue, unless it was blatant like what George Lucas did in the Star Wars Prequels. Then again all those Prequels were bad on so many levels, you realise that all the money he had could not save a big budget disappointment.
Now I can expound on the virtues of loving yourself and understanding your place in the universe or ensuring that people create positive images for young children to look up to but that is not my place.
My place is as a viewer. To drink the “kool aid’ on screen and if it doesn’t agree with me, then so be it!
As I look over World War Z in my mind, for what it was it still isn’t a bad movie. I may not have agreed with some choices made by the director but the movie was entertaining. I loved that they chose to make the zombies fast paced and manic. It set my heart racing and well, my bladder could not hold the 32 oz drink for the entire movie, since my stomach contracted way too many times during certain scenes. I would definitely watch it again.
While Keron sought to highlight every bad decision people made in the movie using black characters, he somehow failed to see the bad other races (Well only Caucasians as he put it) did or even asked himself if he would have made a similar choice if he was in that particular situation.
SPOILER ALERT: I too would’ve made the same choice the Deputy Secretary General of the UN made once I thought Brad Pitt’s character was dead. Why was I keeping them on the ship taking up space? He transported them to a secure facility in Canada and not back to a zombie infested city!
So what if the black police officer decided to get some groceries too in the midst of chaos, is his family supposed to go hungry while the entire world goes crazy? At least he didn’t try to kill anyone like the Caucasian man was doing to Brad Pitt’s wife. Steups, why am I justifying a zombie movie!!
It irks me when people get all black conscious in a movie when those same people would sit through a stinking Tyler Perry movie that does nothing to uplift the image of black people beyond the stereotypes of being people who pray a lot after cussing out everyone for the first half of the movie (Sorry that’s called redemption). Every so-called heroine in a Tyler Perry movie needs a man to save her! Why is that? I just don’t get it!
At some point we need to get over ourselves. If we are not the agent for change in our lives then don’t expect others to do it for us!. If you cannot handle or like the way black characters are handled in movies then DON’T WATCH THEM!!! It is always going to upset you.
I am not saying to be totally blind but at some point your decisions have to be either to avoid these things that offend you or DO something about it or just grin and bear it.
I leave you all with a quote from a character called Melvin Udall from the movie “As Good As It Gets”! Yes the movie had a low minority presence and the woman he said this line to was Latina (but it didn’t offend me).
“Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here!”
While trolling through Instagram, I saw this picture post from a friend that put a disturbance in The Force.
It interrupted my equilibrium.
My chakra went out of alignment.
It just annoyed the hell out of me.
It was a quote from a guy called Robert Brault
Easier? Easier you say?
What kind of person is this Robert guy who actually thinks that this is worthwhile advice in a world where people are so damn angry and distraught that if some don’t commit suicide, they look to shoot up co-workers or malls to release their frustration. Do you think these people could forget the hurt they feel or accept the apology within them?
Oh Hell No!!
I find it insulting for someone to suggest it.
Yes i know i am a bit high-strung but this is coming from someone who hasn’t contemplated killing anyone ( well not in any great detail) but I have told many a co-worker and friend that:
The day you all send me mad is the day I come in here naked with my dirty jockey shorts in hand and i am going to wipe it in everyone’s face.
Now they all laugh when they hear it but they have no idea how serious i am about this. I detest people who can’t apologise for their wrong doing. They annoy me. Especially those people who are “Wrong and Strong” with it and therefore believe that it is beneath them to apologise for affecting someone else. It just irks me to the core.
What’s wrong with a simple apology? It doesn’t mean you are weak. it means you have a human side and in some respects if helps you cleanse your soul from the dirt and muck within. An apology can stop wars, feuds and if the person can’t accept it, it doesn’t matter. It was done and (once you meant it) you are free.
But do people do this? Oh noooooooo. They prefer to walk away or just not acknowledge the wrong they have done.
I have had too many people that have wronged me and just thought that by either hugging me or just pretending it never happened it will go away.
It didn’t it. It won’t work.
As you can probably tell, I am what the young people call a “Toter“. I carry it with me as a reminder that these people don’t give a flying fart about me or my feelings. It may prevent me from trusting others but then again, I believe my “friend book” filled up a long time and while there have been many deletions, the additions are like my grandmothers teeth (few and far between)
So yes, I guess i am damaged and damaged with good reason.
I long to meet adults that actually admit when they are wrong and not wait until someone calls them out on it. I beleve that somewhere these humans exist.
I still can’t get Cindy to admit she is not “earthy”
I can’t get Voldemort to apologise for anything
I can’t get Katie H to admit she……
I can’t get Jerry to apologise for driving my car without permission
I can’t get Jack Warner to just admit he may have been wrong on everything
I can’t get Kamla to admit throngat she has no clue what she is doing
I can’t get Sat to admit how much of a racist he is….
And you know what?
I apologise to everyone.
If I have wronged you, I will be the first to admit it and therefore clear my conscience. Clean my karma.
Alas I guess I am a relic.
The only one….
Ok…I’m better now…just needed to vent..
And Let gooooooooooo……………Hand in de air everybody!!
Call it what you want:
- Mid life crisis
- Lapse in judgement
- Backsliding, or
- Meds wearing off
It doesn’t matter. I decided last year, at the prompting of some friends, to play Carnival (mas) for the first time in *cough*cough*cough* (sorry) years. In case you couldn’t make out how long it was since I last played mas; let’s just put it this way, when I did, there used to be a band called Poison. Nuff Said!
Anyway, for those who have started praying for my soul and gossiping about what I am doing, let’s clear the air:
- Jesus and I are fine
- I know what I’m doing
- I have always been responsible for MY actions
- I needed a goal.
Now that those issues are out of the way, let me say “I had a BLAST!!”or as the uneducated masses tout “It was BESS!!” Who knew that being on your feet for over 8 hours a day could be so much fun and contribute to so much weight loss and toning. I recommend anyone trying to lose weight to try this special two day weight loss program. You don’t necessarily have to wine down to the ground like you have no owner, but keep moving for the entire period while remaining hydrated and I assure you that the pounds will fall off.
It is only on Carnival Tuesday mid-day did it dawned on me that this is why most vagrants in Trinidad are “ripped”. They walk all day. Who knew!
I digress. So I played mas with Fantasy in the section called Rio Azul and I had a really good time. The process of deciding to play mas came about as I needed to set goals for myself for my weight loss. From April to August 2012, I was working out with my trainer and I had not lost a single pound and it was frustrating me to no end. When some friends came up with the idea for me to play mas with them, I realised that I found a goal. I found a reason to ensure that I stuck to what I needed to do.
And so it began. Results weren’t as forthcoming as I had hoped but somehow in December, the weight started to drop off. In January, my trainer said: No Carbs, No Sugar!” I obeyed (well as much as I could) and I saw some improvement. Can you imagine me going to all-inclusive fetes and all I dared to eat was meat and veggies? No curried dumplings, no doubles, no fries, no pasta, no (gulp) roti! It was difficult but for some reason I kept hearing my trainer in my head whenever I would go near to carbs and the thought that he might give me harder exercises for eating carbs made me stay clear. Sigh ..it didn’t matter anyway, the bastard still had me sweating up a storm during each session! There was no let up in sight.
Carnival Friday came and I collected my costume and then the fear set in. I was going to be bareback on the road for all to see. Anyone who knows me, knows that to take off my t-shirt on a beach requires a small ritual involving breathing and me taking off my shirt and running into the water as fast as possible before anyone sees me. (as if they could miss a hippo running on the beach!. Yes, yes, I do possess some measure of body shame.
Normally, while looking in the mirror in my apartment, I approved of how my body looks, however, my eyes seem to get distorted when I looked at it on Carnival Tuesday morning when the costume was donned. BTW -I am still trying to find the root of all these body issues within my mind. I may have to undergo hypnotherapy to find out!Internally I started to scream and I grabbed a vest quickly to cover up my perceived “tut tuts” and belly. I also had issues with the fact that my section was called Rio Azul but the pants for my costume were blu-ish purple with pink rings. It looked as if the band didn’t care about this section at all and just threw together whatever they had left over from last year. .
Anyway, the vest never made it to the car and I took my “fat” self to meet my friends and head to the band.
The first hour in the road with my body exposed seemed like an eternity. I was panicking internally and smiling outside but overall I was just fidgety. It felt like I was watching “The Hours” all over again but this time the Nicole Kidman’s character took an exceedingly longer time to change her facial expressions and Julianne Moore’s character!Good Lord that movie was long!! ..
Between the THREE HOUR wait on Charlotte Street that the band made me endure coupled with them having being NO BREAKFAST for the masqueraders, I stopped fussing over my body and weight issues and started to concentrate on other stuff.It is amazing how much of yourself you have to deal with when you don’t have a camera to distract you. Oh wait! I did have a camera! A small point and shoot Panasonic Lumix with the battery life of an AA Eveready!
So I began snapping pictures and fear subsided and I stopped having the urge to pull in my stomach when I walked. When the damn camera battery died, I resorted to jumping and dancing and making new friends in the band. Some women weren’t as welcoming but the few who were seemed to take to me like white on rice. A good time was had.
In the end, I stopped fussing over a lot of things and just had a good time in the band. I ignored:
- the long wait on a smelly street,
- the fact that we did not cross the stage,
- the lack of breakfast (3 months earlier and I may have staged a protest for this one),
- the uneducated staff on the “Drinks” trucks that perceived that whenever you asked for a drink you wanted Johnny Walker! (Sigh….we as a people are in a mess when it comes to drinking!)
- the costume that kept falling apart, and
- the speed at which some of the music trucks moved – this negro was not running behind anything after being on his feet for the whole day.
I laughed and danced so much on those two days with my friends that whatever troubled me was so not an issue. It made me realise that I fuss over nothing and I do allow too many people and their opinions to rent space in my head for free!
While Carnival may be considered the “devil’s work and playground”, it provided much needed therapy for me in terms of clearing my head and understanding that one can have a good time, sober (reasonably) and just being amongst friends.
There are rumors that I may have been seen dancing on a street sign/ pole or two but since I have no recollection of this, (and the fact that no pictures have surfaced), I believe these things to be lies from observers looking to tarnish my good name and character. Plus they were probably drunk.Ash Wednesday met me in work without any pain in my body or tiredness. For this, I must thank my trainer, Stefan Charles, as I really don’t think my body would’ve recovered so well had he not been torturing it for three days in every week leading up to it.
As of today, I weight 218 lbs and I am proud of it. While I think the 20 pounds lost is a lot, I would like a tighter firmer body and so I begin the gym again from today.
My new goal for an improved body is now geared towards Tobago Jazz Festival (April 22-28th), so wish me luck!
Me thinks, turning 40 has either set me into panic mode about my life or it is just forcing me to have a little more fun than I normally do. Whatever is happening, I embrace it!
How was your Carnival period?