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Basket Case

Basket Case

Have you seen someone you hadn’t seen in ages and all of a sudden a repressed memory re-surfaces and scares you? 

Here’s my tale.

In a Galaxy far far away. In a time where Gods roamed amongst us, there was a young lad that was loved by all and was always invited to every event possible. That no longer happens to the person but he isn’t bitter or angry with these so –called friends and their “married people/couples limes” with the multiple of…… . Sigh ok I’m digressing here and sounding bitter. Focus!!

Anyway, in this alternate universe, he was invited by a co-worker to a celebratory event at his home. (I’m being vague here just so that anyone familiar with the event will have a hard time recalling same). The event was of a Thanksgiving nature. His parents were celebrating the success of all of their children completing tertiary education, some with multiple degrees. Now, I wasn’t the only one from the office that was invited but most everyone else decided to carpool. I opted to drive there on my own.

Anyway I got there at a decent time and mingled with everyone but stayed mainly within the confines of the people that I knew. 

The speeches started an hour later and began with the Patriarch speaking on behalf of the family and listing out the accomplishments of the children. There were loads of cheers and toasting at this point. Then a close family member came up to speak and he also echoed the sentiments of the father and then added the gem of a phrase that this family always made the :indigenous choice” when it came to finding companionship.

I jumped slightly at the phrase “indigenous choice” but smiled it off and toasted like everyone else.

 

Each of the children spoke afterwards and basically thanked their parents for instilling the proper work ethic and values within them. That part was hella touching. Then came the fiancé of one of the siblings who spoke and proclaimed how happy he was to be invited into the family and how much he was in love. Before he ended his speech, he uttered “Oh and as you can see, she made the indigenous choice”. 

A loud deafening boom entered my ears and pervaded my mindscape.

Everyone else laughed and some howled with laughter.

Me?

Well I grinned and for the first time I quickly surveyed the room and realized that…. Gulp.. I was alone. There was no one else like me there. I looked at my co-workers and realized the same thing. I was the only one!

No one else there was as “handsome” as I. 

How could that be? 

Why would they single me out to attend this event?

Then the voice of Oda Mae Brown filled my head : Molly, you in danger, girl!


I will not say that I departed immediately but I began to feel slightly uncomfortable even though everyone I spoke to at the event acted normal and to a large extent was only laughing at my jokes.

So when the speeches ended and the food was served (yuh must be mad to think I was leaving there hungry), I hung around for another half hour and then feigned a previous commitment (having to pick up my mother and sister from an alleged prayer meeting) and left.

I never spoke about my feelings/fears to anyone from work, but I mentioned the awkwardness to a couple people and was told that I was being my usual paranoid self.

What are your thoughts? 

What do you think?

 
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Posted by on October 16, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

WEEK 40 – ESTEBAN’S INSOMNIA

  1. Asking for God’s help when you are chairing the High Council of Evil is a bit off in my books. #jesussaves #fixmejesus
  2. You are confused as to why you are not getting more Instagram likes when your profile is filled with the same selfie pose? Maybe you are just ugly and everybody but you knows it. #fixmejesus
  3. “You bring your whole camera to this bicycle thing on the avenue?” Well bringing just the lens to the event didn’t make sense. #ichbinvonidiotenumgeben #imsurroundedbyidiots
  4. I know it’s for charity, but charging me $5 for FIVE small pholourie should be an indictable offense subject to mandatory jail time! #justsaying
  5. I played your punch board game and made certain picks, only to realise the paper tells me “ You have a chance at winning a prize” TEEF MUCH?
  6. Charging me $25 for a palette to transport an item and when it arrives the item is on bricks is just not cool. Not cool. However, I realise that the bricks costs more than a palette so we’ll let this incident slide.
  7. Please stop suggesting people that I should consider dating. My hate club is continually growing and I’m trying for it not to be registered as a Medium sized band for Carnival.
  8. The “Perpetually pregnant” dog in the neighbourhood had pups and one wandered into my yard and got viciously barked away by Trouble. Heff couldn’t be bothered.
  9. “Yuh get fat boy!!” – You try taking public transportation for a few months and see if you don’t stress eat at the mere thought of traveling.
  10. “You real bitter boy!!” Just call me “Carailli”!!
 
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Posted by on October 6, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT

 

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ESTEBAN’S PSEUDO INTERVENTION

ESTEBAN’S PSEUDO INTERVENTION

Hi Everyone,

My name is Stefan and I’m an addict.  It’s been ummm….*mumbles* since my last….

Sigh.. let me just tell you my story:

—————-

So a wake up call came last night while attending a really enjoyable play called “Better, Better Village” that I may have totally backslidden from my no flour ways.

Like a true addict, you know that you’ve relapsed but you tell yourself that you have it under control and that it won’t be as bad as the last time.

Then the following things happened:

  • Lady passes with a tray of Accra balls with a mango dipping sauce and tells me have as many as I want. I had 6.
  • I partook in some very tasty corn soup but was annoyed by the amount of corn in the cup and the way it prevented me from accessing the lovely dumplings at the bottom. I threw most of the corn away to get to the 3 small soft but tasty dumplings.
  • There was cake/sweetbread (I couldn’t tell as I didn’t care to discern) and with each bite I felt joy in my heart.
  • While eating said item above, King Michael Anthony passes and in his perpetually shade ridden tone he utters ” I thought u not supposed to be eating flour”

At that point, I realised that I had a problem as I couldn’t utter a witty response to him due to the level of shame filling me.

 

So I finished off the sweetbread and the sugar cake in the party bag and made a vow to resume my “no flour” diet soon.

NB: hey I could’ve lied and said that I was going to do it right away but I need to clear my fridge of some items over this weekend and I’ll possibly enter rehab on Monday.

Thank you for listening.

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Food, Humor, RANT

 

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DEAR ESTEBAN COLUMN -Emotional Cheating


DEAR ESTEBAN
So my boyfriend accused me of “Emotional Cheating”. I told him to grow a pair. He told me to make up my mind about what I wanted from him. I’m confused. What are your thoughts?

Not A Cheater

Dear Not A Cheater,
I have so much to say to such a short note so let me start:
• From whom or where did he learn the term “emotional cheating” ?
• Did you use it on him before or has he been watching Grey’s Anatomy or “This Is Us” on television?
• “Grow a pair”- While hilarious, is tantamount to bullying and it is obvious that you beat/abuse your man.
• He is correct in wanting you to make up your mind but (because I know you) I know that is like asking the wind to blow in one direction only

ANSWER: Santa Claus, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, Soucoyants, Papa Boi and Unicorns
QUESTION: What are all things I consider to be real before I believe in emotional cheating?

Emotional Cheating is a cop out and a term developed by people who are way too comfortable in a relationship and therefore don’t regularly communicate to their partners.
It is NOT a thing.
It’s for those who need a soap box to stand on to justify their shock or indignation at their partner being able to communicate to someone else.

You can never be everything to one person and asking them to only talk to you and Jesus is impractical.

On the other hand, if he or she is meeting this person in a clandestine manner, that’s still not emotional cheating. Your ASS getting HORN!

#staywoke #knowthetruth #stopwatchingshondashows#nolifetimemovieseither

 
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Posted by on August 11, 2017 in Emotions, Entertainment, Humor, RANT, Relationships

 

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WEEK 30 – ESTEBAN’S FINALE

WEEK 30 – ESTEBAN’S FINALE

  1. “Darkie, Lemme go in front yuh nah! . All I have is this toilet paper”

“Is that how you ask a stranger for a favor?”

“Me aint have time for this nah.”

“Well stay right behind me since you obviously have no manners”

“Steups! All dat attitude for simple pass?”

“If you don’t understand what you did wrong then I can’t help you”

“Ah can’t stand allyuh bullers yuh know”

“Because I’m asking you to have manners, I’m a buller? Well this buller aint letting you pass!”

(Crowd behind chuckles)

  • Either Trouble has magical powers or I need to get new chains as she keeps getting loose and I can’t figure out how.
  • Saw a lonely puppy in the road and opted not to adopt for two reasons. (a) I don’t want to stress out Trouble and (b) I think she might drive the puppy to suicide ( Lord knows she bullies Heff and he is resilient most times but its takes a toll on him)
  • Within the past three weeks I’ve met 5 people with degrees from DeVry University. I still remember when it was just an IT school.
  • “Food by the Pound” places are not for me. My serving hand is too heavy no matter how hard I try take smaller servings.
  • You know things are bad with you when a homeless person can tell you to reduce your salt intake in order to get rid of your water weight.
  • Even worse when said homeless person recognizes you as someone he admired from Primary School but you have no idea who he is and his name isn’t familiar.
  • I think I had way to much fun anonymously commenting on all those people who were foolhardy enough to join SARAHAH. I however didn’t make everyone’s Instagram Story-feeds. I think some were blanked out or I just wasn’t funny enough. Two hours well spent. Heh heh heh heh heh *rubs palms together…
  • I’m not sure if the “Summer Movie Season” has started. I haven’t felt compelled to go weekly to see a movie as in years passed. Can’t see myself rushing to see Dunkirk.
  • Stared at a former co-worker like she was a freshly baked Coconut Bake with melted cheese. She didn’t appreciate the comparison until I explained to her how delectable such a combination is in the minds of most people.
  • Was invited to a take a short trip with a group of people I barely know but I opted to stay home for mental health reasons. The preservation of mine…
  • It’s always interesting when people who delete me from their Facebook profile try to send me a friend request and say “ deleted in error”. Umm you were sure when Facebook asked you twice before unfriending me, so what happen now? #foreverpetty #steups #missmewiththisBS
  • My Nikon D90 is on its last legs. I can feel the difference in its operation and the hesitation when I’m trying to snap a quick picture
  • Why do people expect me to get them birthday presents when they don’t even give me a “dinner mint” for mine. BTW if you give me a mint for my birthday, know full well you are getting the same one back on your day.

 

This is my last Weekly Chronicle for 2017. I thought I could keep up with it but my life just isn’t as interesting as I thought it was.

So keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars!

 

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WEEK 27–ESTEBAN’S SQUINT!

WEEK 27–ESTEBAN’S SQUINT!

  1. Week 27 and still not a Lotto winner. Off to work I go. Jesus, it seems you are really insistent on me working hard for everything I have? #patienceisvirtue
  2. If you are over 35 and you are telling me you going Wi-Fi silent, it means you have no data plan. At your age? Come now! #imjudgingyouopenly #judgeing #judgedread #postpaid #stopbeingcheap
  3. Cleaned the oven this weekend and realized that those oven cleaner fumes are potent. Think I knocked out for a five minutes on the floor of the kitchen.
  4. When you go drinking on a Saturday night and after your 3rd drink you stop because (a) your tolerance level is low (b) People started to look cute and (c) you started to feel chatty. Should’ve had Malta instead. #lightweight
  5. Dear Massy Stores, I don’t opt to pay your higher prices on food stuff so that I could pack my own groceries and tote it all to the car. Get your act together! #massystores #lazy
  6. So one part Heineken Beer and two parts Coke = Green Sands. Let’s see….Attempt Number 9 – when did I finish the Coke? I think I have an alcohol problem. Thanks eh Gerard Morton!
  7. .Nitpicking causes me to shut down. If I have reviewed something thoroughly and someone asks for cosmetic changes, I don’t do it. I’m over the document and have moved on.
  8. I’m ignoring the disrespectful people who asking how did Trouble do for SEA. She is doing SEA next year people!!
  9. While I try to stay out of politics, all I want to say is: Shouldn’t a Deputy Political Leader of a Party know better or understand the importance of Protocol?
  10. I find it rude and offensive when my main and back up toilets in the office are in use by other people. I’ve spent too much time gathering data on their locations in relation to my bowel movements for BOTH to be occupied at the SAME time. People are so insensitive!
  11. Is it a local conspiracy that if you order Beef on a pizza from ANY pizza place, they are so stingy with it that you have to search for the meat on the pizza like search for some politicians’ integrity? What going on? Why you doing it?
  12. I think I officially gave up on the Facebook Tests after they told me that I was 100% Indian and that my calling is to be a Pastor. Umm not even if I can recite Kanchan and Babla ultimate song “Kuch Gadbad Hai” and “Robobobo Shatai “with the best of them means this stuff is true.
  13. TRUTH: I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I kinda still don’t know but I fell into certain fields that gave me opportunities beyond my reach.
  14. So KFC’s Smoke N Fire Chicken may not be spicy going in but coming out the other end…..Well Let’s just say I asked/pleaded for Divine Intervention.
  15. This is the end of the first week of July and TN AUTO still does not have my car ready. I am thinking of Legal Action at this point. No one is this slow intentionally!
 
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Posted by on July 7, 2017 in Emotions, Food, Humor, RANT, Uncategorized

 

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WEEK 26 – ESTEBAN AND THE JETS!


  1. I’m always amazed when people compare a dining experience at Bootleggers to that of TGIF or Ruby Tuesday. I always correct them that the latter are dining experiences and the former is an institutionalized form of torture.
  2. Every morning I get up just to see if my yard has been destroyed by those two dogs. Somedays are better than others.
  3. I always get confused when my neighbour goes from blasting gospel music when she is cleaning her car to blasting “dancehall” afterwards. I don’t think she or her husband haven’t heard a new song since 2000.
  4. Had some Curry Goat on Monday and believed I tasted “stay home” in it. It was way too good to be a normal pot of curry.
  5. Someone messaged me that her family was going to “Sellebea” for the long weekend. I fought every fibre of my being not respond to this and therefore I had to go lie down as I had a headache.
  6. I applaud business people at every turn especially those who provide food to the masses like me who are culinary impaired; but $45 per pound of CHINESE FOOD and it’s not inclusive of Crispy Skin Pork!!! MADNESS! #robsomebodyelse #notmymoney #
  7. Either my feed is highly sanitized or my friends need to cleanse their friends’ list. Nobody in my FB feed mad to talk about boycott. How they eating?
  8. My actual list of friends are like my grandmother’s teeth: few and far between. #leffmeh #leavemealone #friendbookfull
  9. I think an Uber driver on Tuesday night tried a fast one on me to earn more money by missing my turn off and feigning ignorance. Yuh can’t play ignorant when the “kiss meh ass” Waze map next to you recalculating. He got 1 star rating with one stink comment afterwards.
  10. The reason I haven’t been renting a car all this time is because (a) they not cheap, (b) every week is a new story with TN Auto #dreamsellers and  (c) I’m cheap.
  11. Spent Wednesday with an auditorium full of primary and secondary children and realized that teaching is truly a higher calling. So many personalities being coordinated by one person and you can’t strangle or lay healing hands on them. #notforme #iwouldmakeahjailalready #trueheroes #highercalling #wedaymoments #weday #wemovement
  12. It’s not that I’m not serious about my weight loss and healthy living; I’m just trying to decide if I want to be a light snack or a healthy main course instead of just being an “All You Can Eat”/ “Buffet” Special. #dietchallenges
  13. I still don’t get people who have to try and sample EVERY item in these “Food by the Pound” estalbishments. Jesus! Yuh here almost everyday, move faster! Picking up one piece of fried plantain or 3 grains of macaroni salad makes sense to you? #needtothintheherd #patienceneeded #hungrymanissues
  14. KARMA??? – Was told on Thursday that a car would be made available to me until my vehicle is ready. The only car available for use….. A WINGROAD! #GODhasasenseofhumor #jesuslaughinghard #imnotamused
 

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